limitations (Patreon)

My first week of my new schedule is over. I must say I barely survived it. Working this much on top of being awake and responsive all day really took it out of me. Thoroughly exhausted. This is not supposed to sound like aww poor me, this is me trying to come to terms with what I can and cannot do. Teal Swan (the most amazing woman on earth) posted an exerpt from her live online workshop where she talks about a certain childhood experience some of us had to go through, just when I was thinking about this topic. She says when caregivers can't see a child's limitations, the child has no choice but to detach from and suppress its own limitations. Out comes a person who is completely out of touch with their own boundaries and who says yes to everything. ... I am that person. I was, for a very long time, the person that said yes to everything. Who pretended to be ok with everything. It totally makes sense now. 

In my life, there was no room for "I can't do this", "I'm tired", "I don't want to" and it couldn't have been any clearer, as my mother literally said to me "No one cares what you want" ... Her response to any and all of my limitations was always "there's no 'want', only 'should'" - suppressing them was my way of avoiding conflict and being shamed. 

Look, I've just always been this way. It's hard to justify not being able to function like a normal person when you haven't been through justifiably terrible things like war or a tragic accident. People in my life constantly told me that I have no right to complain because I wasn't beat up every day of my life or I'm not a starving African child. There's nothing more invalidating than not being able to cope and everyone around you refusing to acknowledge that you're not ok - and even going so far as telling you you're lazy or just want attention. I can't help the way I am. Even as a child I was always kind of withdrawn, always low energy, always did poorly in PE... Recess was a nightmare cause I couldn't cope with all the loud screaming kids running around and I was afraid that they'd run me over cause they didn't look like they were paying attention to their surroundings at all... And all while looking perfectly normal on the outside. I've heard it so often at some point I actually let them convince  me that I can do all the things and I'm just not trying hard enough. That maybe I'm not exhausted but just mildly uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm not sensitive but I'm overreacting for attention. I didn't know any better ... Because I didn't know myself. 

I don't have those "filters" that people keep talking about. I can see how, if they assumed I had the same filters they have, they would make piss poor judgements about me or not know what's wrong with me. The truth is, I can't cope with stress at all. I get genuinely stressed out while playing games. I play the sims because it's the only game that doesn't stress me out (assuming it's not crashing all the time...) - in my sim world, I can control everything. I've modded it to perfection. No fires, no burglars, no story progression and auto testing cheats enabled. Nothing that could cause me stress like accidents or an unhappy sim. Or pudding face. This is my safe space (that hasn't been working too well lately). 

I've realized in the past week how much I really need to dissociate and forget reality exists. Yesterday I played games for 5 hours straight and it got mildly stressful at times but I've played Chocolatier: Decadence by Design so many times I've kind of figured it out by now so I can cope better. Since I'm in a very fulfilling relationship for the first time in my life, I have more motivation than ever before to stay in reality - but it comes at a cost. My nervous system is just overtaxed most of the time. The already low standards I hold myself to are still too much it seems. 

The last time I tried to hold down a "real" part time job, it quickly got to the point where a two day weekend was not enough to recover from the stress of being around people every day. And functioning at the same time every day. Last week I've been treating myself a lot and that's how I make myself a little less miserable. If I have to go outside, I make sure it's totally worth it - usually with yummy coffee or foods that I can't make at home. Or a trip to the mall for the massage chairs. Though sometimes people ruin it by trying to talk to me. 

I was hospitalized 5 or 6 years ago and it was supposed to be a "break" from everyday life and make me "more stable" so I could start working full time. In reality, I had to function more there than I would have at home, plus the added stress of always having people around and never having the chance to talk to my then girlfriend and being away from my pets and having to trust an acquaintance with their wellbeing... Long story short, I went in working 30 hours a week - and I came out working 0 hours a week. It completely destroyed me. I could no longer do anything. The only reason why I pushed through the entire 4 weeks is so that no one could go "oh, you didn't even give it a chance" - and stick me right back in there. 

So that's my story. I've come out of a lifetime of fighting limitations and trying to meet expectations. I've never been able to make anyone understand why I am the way I am, hell, I don't even understand it. I've been judged unfavorably and still am when I openly talk about these things. I've been shamed and blamed and told that it's all my fault. That I didn't "open up to therapy" or "didn't want help"... Of course, it's never that therapy failed, it's always the patient not trying hard enough to get better. 

I'm looking forward to the future and moving, not just because I fucking worship Jack and he's my everything, but also because I will no longer have to scramble to justify myself in front of the impossible to please parent that is the state and have them tell me that I should be employed full time and fine with everything because I look healthy. I'm sure since you guys know a little more about me than the average person, you know that I'm not lazy - just very desperate. And tired. Tired of functioning and being misunderstood. I try very hard - this time not because I'm being shamed into pushing my limits but because I appreciate everything Jack does for us and want to contribute more to our income. I want him to be able to rely on me, too. Not just the other way around. 

In terms of self-love, it's important to honor your limitations. I'd go so far as to call it self-abuse if you don't. Because when other people ignore your limitations, violate your boundaries and make you do stuff that causes you to break down, we call that abuse, don't we? It doesn't matter that they belittle us and laugh at us when we say we can't deal with it, because in their eyes, we barely have to do anything to begin with and thus have no right to express hurt, because look at aaaaaallll the things they do on a daily basis, so who are we to say we are tired if we don't even do aaaaaaaallll those things... It's still a violation. I've made a commitment to be nicer to myself so I've been less hard on myself if I do end up requiring 10 hours of sleep daily, don't finish my tasks for the day because I pass out exhausted for a few hours, start our evenings a little late because I want to finish a video or end up spending money I should be saving to make the day less miserable for myself. I've persistently said no to things that would cut into my sleep time, decorated my desk space to make it more appealing to spend time there, and even started rolling on my back in my sleep to reduce back pain from the shitty mattress. It's not very comfortable and I can't fall asleep lying on my back but I usually wake up in that position anyway. 

My main task these days is figuring out how much I can handle, stop saying yes to things that I can't effectively follow through with, and adjust my own expectations of myself to something slightly more realistic. I want to work out every single day, but realistically, three times a week is already ambitious. I want to make three videos a week, but if I do that I'll have no time or energy left to clean up, so it may only be one or two, depending on energy levels, how much I've slept and how intricate the video is. And yeah, after years of being fed delusions and outrageous expectations by everyone in my life, it's astonishing how puny the results seem. I've always said that a day needs ten more hours to do everything I'd like to do. And my parents have always assured me that "you can do everything you like to do in your free time" ... What is that free time you speak of? Between catching up with my responsibilities and recovering from stress and sensory overload, there is no time really to do anything else. Am I the only one running into this problem? Please let me know. 

It's more difficult than people make it seem to figure out a balance and a functional life that actually works. It can be hard to make time for everything you need, much less want. What are your needs that you have the hardest time getting met in your life? Mine is possibly for adventure and physical affection. That's what I'm craving the most right now. 

I hope this wasn't too personal or whiney. I've been thinking about this a lot and surely I can't be the only person in the world struggling with this. 

Time to catch some air, shower and get some etsy orders sorted. I have more time to spread them out this week because I'm mailing the next batch on Thursday with my carer appointment. 

Thanks for listening.

//Ally