Santa With Muscles Notes (Patreon)

Hope you're ready for 5 pages of incredibly thorough notes on the film Santa With Muscles, cause here it is in all its glory.

In association with CABIN FEVER (in horror font) 

WORST INTRO ANIMATION 

ooh Mila Kunis is in this? 

orphan child is writing to santa that their orphanage is going to be taken away 

a white van is driving off with the christmas tree 

hulk hogan peering from behind a bush like some kinda creep 

he looks SO DIFFERENT 

really sinister music as he approaches a guy from behind who’s tending to some roses 

“NEVER STOP TO SMELL THE ROSES” he says as he beats him up 

a chef runs out with a meat mallet 

then a kung fu martial artist? 

okay basically a string of guys with various weapons are charging at hogan with things like leaf blowers and plates of food 

CHEST CHIZZLER? hogan’s brand of protein powder?  

inside the house 

-- 

goes out to go paint balling with THE LADS 

knock-off great escape music 

policeman with his speedometer (he’s in loads of things) 

hogan and his gang ride over his car in their bikes 

and there’s a chase 

hogan and gang are riding to the mall to hide from the cops 

doing wheelies 

because that’s how you drive super fast 

“rule 21. when in doubt, get out” AND THEN HE JUMPS OUT OF A MOVING CAR 

-- 

elves need to find a santa to get $50 

“sounds like my luck is about to change" 

cuts to english scientist with the most ridiculous villain haircut ever 

he’s got some old guy hung up upside down 

and on a tv in front of him is the guy in arrested development 

okay a geologist has come out and he’s brushing the old guy with a brush thing 

now a chemist is sparking him with some gas 

and here comes the LADY who is SEXY and has electricity powers 

the holy trinity 

hogan is creeping around and comes across a santa outfit 

the guards stop him and ask if he’s seen hogan 

“idiots” REALLY LOUDLY 

sees a kid “I thought I missed you!" 

“fax me you little brat" 

hogan drops down a trash shute and get knocked out 

an elf finds him and steals his wallet and clothes 

hulk hogan is apparently blake thorne - the richest man in 10 states 

blake wakes up and doesn’t remember who he is 

WUH WOH 

elf tells him he’s santa 

so blake is santa now 

GOD he looks at a black child on his lap with the strangest look 

-- 

elf is trying to steal blake’s money but there’s a thumbscanner on the atm 

it’s the future! 

two jerks are stealing donations for the orphanage 

but a little girl catches them! 

WUH WOH hulk hogan is coming! 

they FIGHT 

blake beats ‘em all up! 

blake sees the sign for the orphanage desk 

and decides he has to go help 

cut to the scientist guys 

sounds like he’s a germaphobe 

the three others are torturing the shoe shop owner still 

-- 

hogan’s on the back of a moped with elf guy 

and the scientists are driving the shittiest ice cream van 

they turn up at the orphanage and the secondary scientist blows a lot of kisses at the orphanage owner 

they steal a statue from the orphanage garden and then nearly run over an old man 

luckily SANTA grabs onto the back of the van and pulls them back 

woah he saved that man’s life 

blake and elf man get invited into the orphanage for dinner 

oh MAN it’s a tiny mila kunis!! 

little blonde girl brought him milk and cookies 

but he’s worried about the fat content 

sam’s just pointed out that there seems to be only 3 orphans in this orphanage 

little blonde girl kisses blake and he visibly freaks 

and then seems to….fantasise about the kiss? 

blake’s dressed in a monks gown? and elf guy is in a weird bunny/sheep outfit? 

it’s breakfast at the orphanage! 

but blake isn’t dressed as santa…at all…..and the kids are freaked out 

he explains that ‘it tickles' 

newspaper reads SANTA WITH MUSCLES 

the woman from the orphanage says she recognises him 

and then the elf notices the box of cereal with blake’s face all over it 

he fantasises about getting blake’s thumbprint for the atm 

and there’s a weird moment where dramatic music plays while hogan drinks milk 

and elf guy looks like he’s going to cry with happiness 

- 

mila munis brings blake his new and improved santa outfit 

apparently SHE fixed it?? the richest guy in ten states and he’s getting unpaid orphans to make his clothes 

monstrous 

his new threads are all pimped out and somehow they include leggings to fit the GIANT 6”8 hogan 

plus black gloves 

he’s being interviewed by a tv crew asking how he’s lost all that weight 

back to the scientists again now who are mad at blake for bringing the orphanage to prominence 

meanwhile elf guy is trying to steal blake’s money using the fingerprint form the glass 

but it’s the WRONG THUMB 

the scientists come up behind him and put him in their van 

blake’s in the church with little blonde orphan 

who is singing a song her mom taught her 

it’s actually pretty sad 

while she’s talking about her sad childhood without parents, hogan’s busy scratching himself 

and then they sing a song together and hulk doesn’t know the words 

she sings a high note and the windows turn dark and sparkle?? and then it cuts to an entirely new scene!! 

everyone in the orphanage is sitting around elf guy, who is being decorated like a christmas tree 

suddenly the head of the stolen statue flies through the window 

and the doctor is outside! 

blake heads outside to confront them 

watch out blake, he has a stethoscope! 

“patient suffers from tummy ache” *punches his gut* 

"and a splitting headache” *punches him* 

they head back inside and taylor (the troubled boy) has taken the statue head with him and vanished 

blake and elf go to the scientist’s house on a moped and leave it on the floor, just lying there 

blake throws elf over the massive fence and then leaps over (somehow) 

they’re wearing the most conspicuous outfits ever to break into a house 

ooh taylor is there too! he’s going to shoot the scientists with a slingshot! 

“I was trying to be like you” he says to blake 

“I’m only tough when I HAVE to be” he replies, sagely 

the orphanage gang go down into the basements where they basically have caves now for some reason 

he sees his initials on a big old door! 

I bet he’s an orphan too 

he knows how to open the big door! 

woah it’s windy in there 

WOW okay there are like….hundreds of geodes or something 

all shiny! 

according to mila kunis the crystals are very valuable (worth MILLIONS) and full of electricity 

a kid drops one and it explodes 

elf guy explains he found blake’s outfit covered in blood 

which I guess means he was carrying around a blood soaked outfit all this time 

elf guy heads upstairs and receives a call from villain man 

“when I want your opinion I’ll have it surgically removed" 

upstairs the doctor is there, threatening blonde orphan 

blake chases him up to the roof 

and they fight, using a giant candy cane 

kefir’s pointed out that they really aren’t evenly matched at ALL 

“santa you SLEIGH me" 

he falls over 

blake gets pushed off the roof by a santa robot and falls into a trash lorry 

where he spots the protein shake he sells 

he then faints 

he wakes up in his own bed, but still dressed as santa with muscles 

the butler explains that they found him in the trash 

blake panics and calls the orphanage 

but the scientists have hacked their phone line! 

they make it seem like orphanage woman tells blake to fuck off basically 

and everyone at the orphanage is saaaaad 

elf guy is still at the orphanage for some reason??? 

doesn’t he have a home? or a family?? 

electricity woman knocks down the door, and everyone’s in masks 

ooooh main heel is here! 

he explains that under the neighbourhood are more crystals 

and makes the children go down into the mines to get them 

fucking hell 

main heel gets geologist to take down the door 

and it looks like he’s getting off on it? 

blake’s eating his breakfast slime when his chef comes out to attack him 

but blake’s just not feeling it 

“he loves to hit me!” says chef 

blake gets a call from elf 

but he gets caught by the scientists 

blake is threatened by them and destroys the phone with his bare hands 

one of the scientists has a fu manchu? 

elf gets thrown out 

blake’s minions get ready to go on a fight outing 

ooh it’s that cop again! 

blake and his minions drive by in their car and the cop chases them (again) 

luckily blake’s chef has branded salad oil to put on the road 

and them some “blake’s whey protein powder" 

which makes no sense as to how that would fuck up a car but okay 

the police stop their cars and block the road 

and one of them has a fucking GRENADE LAUNCHER 

blake drives ahead anyway, narrowly avoiding a grenade which ends up in the main cop’s car 

back to blake and co, who have arrived at the orphanage 

the chef tempts a guy behind the door with a big platter of food 

but the handle is electrified! wuh woh! 

the kids are being helped hostage with some weird lookin’ guy 

blake knocks him out and saves ‘em 

then he hands taylor a fire extinguisher “this is your weapon” just saying I had a full day’s training to learn the correct usage of those things 

they fill up the chemist’s outfit with stink gas! 

blake finds electricity woman who gets her first line 

“would you hit a woman?” she asks 

elf guy appears! “no, but I would!” well that’s good now we don’t have to find out that the hero of the movie is a woman beater or something 

and then he pours water over her and she? dies? 

blake’s with old black man who reveals that blake grew up in the orphanage 

and his best friend growing up was evil scientist! (whose name is apparently ebner, of course) 

orphanage woman pretends to be into having sex with the doctor (weird) in order to trick him into falling into the freezer 

blake is in the caves now 

where he comes across ebner! 

geologist manages to open the big cave door but he’s knocked out by ebner 

ebner and blake head into the caves 

“being santa opened my eyes" 

they fight! 

elf is tying up geologist 

and the kids run into the caves 

blake and ebner have a light sabre battle using crystals 

taylor brings out his slingshot and hits ebner! 

ebner starts smashing all the precious crystals 

orphanage lady unplugs his suit 

but unfortunately the caves are about to explode 

they all run outside as the caves make some scary noises 

then they watch as the orphanage becomes consumed by electricity and collapses 

cop arrives in his exploded car and some backup and points a gun at the orphans 

news is here! 

the doctor is “frozen” (clearly not frozen, but painted white) 

and the chemist is there and he’s smelly! 

they all get arrested 

the orphanage is destroyed 

blake’s house is full of children now 

where they have a wonderful view of a co-ed prison where the villains are being kept 

blake chucks his santa hat on a bush 

credits roll 

kefin: “fuck this movie" 

do we ever find out about santa? where did he go?