Grand Lard-ceny (Patreon)

This month, we see how Sly Cooper has matured over the years, and grown into a modern day don and king of thieves- turns out crime does pay, but mostly in lavish feasts and lots of snacks! Thanks for the support this month, everyone!

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After a decades-long career of fighting off supervillains, stealing the most priceless artifacts in the world, and even a few time-travelling misadventures, Sly Cooper and his two partners had made a name for themselves as the greatest thieves in the world. Now, finally richer than most nations, Sly Cooper had used his wits and charm to bring the criminal underworld to his beck and call; for any thief out there, why would they work for mad villains and heartless monsters when they could instead work for someone as generous and yet cunning as Sly Cooper? A modern-day thieves’ guild, the Cooper Gang ran what amounted to a small city out of its luxurious compound on a secluded island so obscure it didn’t show up on most maps, and Sly used it for the biggest charm offensive he could think of. Everyone in the criminal underworld knew that no one threw parties like the Cooper Gang, and every crook, burglar, and thief worthy of the name would kill for an invitation to a Cooper party.

Finn Necker was one of the lucky ones, however. A fox as cunning as the stereotype allowed him to be, he had made a name for himself as a cat burglar in Hollywood, stealing from vain celebrities and corrupt studio executives, inspired by Sly Cooper’s modern day Robin Hood act. One night, he had found a blue and silver raccoon token on his desk; Sly’s calling card. The King of Thieves himself had invited Finn, impressed by his theft of the Kori Kori idol, a small statue of an island deity carved from pure ruby. Finn had the statue in question as proof of his skill, tucked in his suit pocket to show his personal hero.

The Cooper Compound put all the Beverly Hills mansions Finn had burgled to shame; huge, cavernous rooms filled with sharply dressed partygoers and gang members were decorated with the most impressive trophies from Sly Cooper’s greatest thefts, ranging from a recreation of Clockwerk’s gigantic suit of armor to magical artifacts like the Mask of Dark Earth. Craning his neck, Finn tried to look over the crowd to catch a sight of the great thief himself. 

Finally, a burly hippo approached him- the fox recognized him instantly. The “muscle” of the Cooper Gang, Murray was still impressive to look at as he towered over most of the guests, despite starting to get on in years.

“Ah! There you are. You’re the Hollywood kid, right?”

Finn wore a bracing smile to hide his nerves. “Uh- yeah, yeah, I’m the Silent Flash.”

Murray snorted. “The Silent-!” He guffawed, slapping Finn on the back, his gut brushing against the fox. “Oh, ain’t that cute? Sly’ll love that. The big man himself wanted me to find you- wants you to join him for dinner so you can tell him all about your job with the ruby statue.”

The fox’s smile was slightly strained, but the excitement of finally meeting Sly Cooper- and being able to tell him about his greatest heist- kept Finn’s excitement at a record high. He was led into a sumptuously decorated dining room, the walls lined with priceless, most likely stolen paintings and a grand banquet table dominating the room, with a delectable feast sprawled across it. Seated at throne-like chairs were names and faces Finn knew by memory; Dimitri Lousteau, Jing King, Bentley Turtle, then he turned his gaze to the head of the table, to Sly Cooper.

Finn’s smile faltered, his eyes growing wide. This had to be a disguise- a rouse, a joke, right? The raccoon at the head of the table had Sly Cooper’s face, but it had been rounded out and ringed by multiple chins, though it also sported a dashing pencil-thin mustache. Furthermore, the rest of him looked less like the man who destroyed Clockwerk and more like the man who ate a huge mechanical owl. The porcine procyon had been poured into a tuxedo that was made out of enough material to make a tent for a large family, and even then, his belly spilled out in an apron of blubber that filled his wide lap. His gold buttons were strained, his jacket only just able to cross the expanse of his globular middle. His sleeves looked like they were filled to bursting as Sly tented his sausage fingers, resting his hands on the shelf of his gut. His legs were obscured by the table, but Finn could see chunky, wide hips spilling over armrests. Still, Sly wore an easy smirk as Murray pulled out a chair for Finn at the obese raccoon’s left, a seat of honor. 

Murray whispered something in Sly’s ear that made him laugh, causing tremors across his jiggling frame and further straining his suit. Finn, thunderstruck, quietly lowered himself into a seat, unable to take his eyes off Sly’s overflowing gut. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing- was this his hero?

“So! Finn Necker, nice to meet you, pal, I’m Sly Cooper- going for the silent but deadly vibe, are ya, Flash?” Sly quipped.

“O-oh!” the fox shook himself out of his shock, then looked down at Sly’s outstretched hand, several gaudy, jewel-studded rings wedged around fat fingers. “Yeah, yeah, it’s- it’s a real honor to be invited, Mr. Cooper, sir.”

“Mr. Cooper!” Sly chuckled, which was echoed by the others at the table. He grabbed Finn’s hand, enveloping it as he shook vigorously. “Mr. Cooper was my father, kid. Call me Sly.” Smoothly, the enormous raccoon turned back to the rest of the gang. “I invited Finn here after he made headlines for stealing the Kori Kori idol from a Beverly Hills fortress- and he’s going to entertain us with the story over dinner.” Sly’s sharp eyes glanced over to Finn. “Do you have it on you?”

Finn still couldn’t quite keep his eyes off Sly’s belly, but then produced the ruby statue from his suit pocket to a few appreciative gasps and one muttering of “gaudy trash” from Dimitri. 

“Well, that was an impressive heist- why don’t you go over your plan? Why the idol?” Sly asked, as servers began filling up his plate. “I always eat better with a good story.”

“You must have heard a lot of good stories over the years,” Finn muttered before he could stop himself. The fox looked around fearfully, clapping his hand over his mouth, but it was met with good-natured laughter. Sly responded by cupping his belly with his hands and hefting reams of it on top of the table, giving it a good slap to send ripples across the grey-furred lard.

“Oh yeah, I got this spare tire while reading War and Peace!” Sly joked, causing more laughter at the table.

Finn laughed nervously, and began going over all the details of his heist. Here, he was finally among his people- he could really boast about the careful planning, his agile acrobatics, and clever moves without feeling like he was going to disappoint his parents. The thieves and career criminals at the table listened appreciatively, making compliments or offering the occasional constructive critique. But while it was a lovely meal, Finn couldn’t keep his eyes off Sly. He wasn’t a slob- some vestige of his acrobatic and agile abilities remained to keep his clothes reasonably clean during the meal- but the sheer amount of food he packed in was staggering. Appetizers of rich, creamy bisques followed by platters of steaks, pasta, roast turkey, lobster, caviar, and all followed by a frankly irresponsible amount of cheesecake for dessert disappeared down the raccoon’s maw. Watching the raccoon eat, his belly jostling as it spilled over the table and slowly fill up like a furry water balloon, was almost hypnotic.

The meal’s end was signalled by one of Sly’s buttons finally giving in and popping off with a small, metallic clatter that no one but Finn seemed to notice, no doubt because it had become a regular occurrence. Sly burped softly as he washed it all down with one last glass of wine, leaning back in his chair and making it groan ominously. “Well, Flash, you’ve got moxie, you’ve got smarts, and you know how to pick the right targets- you know the first rule of the Cooper Gang, right? We only steal from other thieves- and a lot of those Hollywood types make us look like boy scouts.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Murray snorted.

“So, congratulations- you’re officially invited to join the Cooper Gang,” Sly said, smiling magnanimously. “We’ve been looking for a new pair of legs out in the field.”

Finn barely heard Sly, but then turned to the raccoon. “Oh- oh! Uhm. Yes! Thank you, I accept! I-I’d be honored. But, uhm,” the fox couldn’t help himself. His curiosity was overpowering. “Are you looking for a new member because… y’know?” He gestured vaguely at Sly.

The rotund raccoon slowly arched his brow. “Y’know?”

“Well. Because you’re… retired,” Finn said diplomatically.

The table fell silent. Sly, however, chuckled, a smile dimpling his round cheeks. “Kid, I might be a little older, but I’m still the Sly Cooper.”

“I-it’s not your age, sir, it’s…” the younger thief trailed off.

“It’s what?” Sly began to stand, causing Finn to leap to his feet.

The fox groaned with exasperation, and finally, it spilled out. “I-I mean no offense, but- look at you! How can you still be the thief you were when you look like you ate your way through your last few heists? I just saw you eat enough to feed a small village! What kind of thief are you?”

The raccoon sighed, as if he was explaining things to a child. “Alright, yeah- I put on weight.” He began lumbering towards Finn, his titanic gut sloshing as trunk-sized legs rolled off one another, a rear wide as a car bumper wobbling and nearly spilling out of his pants. “A lot of weight. Success has challenges of its own, y’know?” 

The fox clambered backwards from the slowly approaching raccoon, a small part of him afraid that Sly might try and eat him. At the end, he was backed into a corner.

“So after redeeming my family name twice, going back in time, and taking down a rogue’s gallery of villains, I settled down- Cooper style. I’ve got a good thing going with Interpol’s Inspector General, started making some investments, and built something for myself. And you think this weight is going to, what, slow me down?” Sly’s gut caught Finn a good few feet before the rest of the raccoon. The fox gasped softly as a wave of soft fat pressed up against him, pinning him against the wall. It was like being caught in a current- Finn was stuck as hundreds of pounds pressed against his body. Soft, warm, and plush, It was almost comfortable, if not for a growing fear that Sly would smother him.

“True, I’m not going to be able to walk a tightrope, unless the rope is made out of titanium-reinforced kevlar. True, I’m not going to be able to creep through cracks narrower than the grand canyon- but I’ll tell you this, Flash. I’m still the best thief in this room.” 

Finn looked up, and his jaw dropped; clutched in Sly’s pudgy hand was the Kori Kori idol.

“W- what?! But how?” the fox asked, as finally Sly relented, backing up enough to give Finn room to breathe.

“Because you forgot one of the first lessons of thievery- always watch the hands.” Sly smirked, wiggling his fat fingers. Chuckling again, his belly wobbled, bouncing against Finn. “Ah, I like you, kid- you remind me of a younger, skinnier me. So don’t worry, the invitation is still open, if you’re not too proud to work for a tub of lard.”`

Humbled, the fox nodded. “I- yes, of course, Sly. I’m sorry for, uh, everything.”

Sly grinned, lightly punching Finn on the cheek. “Ah, welcome to the team.”

“Uhm…” Finn cleared his throat. “Can I get the idol back?”

Glancing over his shoulder, Sly tossed the ruby statue in the air. “I dunno, Flash. A real Cooper thief would be able to steal it off me- I’m just a fat old raccoon, after all.” He grinned, smacking his gut. “Or maybe you can steal me a few real, authentic Italian pizzas- I’m still feeling a little peckish.”