Bigs Bunny (Patreon)

Hey, guys! Thanks for your patience and understanding this month. For Reboot month, Bugs was our top pick, and now the tricky rabbit is really growing into his latest role. Enjoy!

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“Aw, c’mon, you stupid—!” Bugs grunted, tugging with all his might on the lid of the jar of pickled carrots in his hand. The rabbit was straining from the effort, but the carrots remained annoyingly out of reach.

“Blegh!” From behind Bugs, his roommate and supposed best friend, Daffy Duck, made a face. “Pickled Carrots? You’re dethpicably obsessed. Not even other rabbits like that stuff.”

“Yeah, well, guess I’m just a shameless glutton!” Bugs gasped, finally relenting as he slammed the jar back on the table. “Unbelievable! What, is that thing welded on?”

Daffy shrugged. “Well, I could give it a shot. Give it here.”

“Hey, be my guest,” Bugs muttered, sliding the jar across the counter as he sat down at their breakfast nook in a huff.

The black-feathered duck grabbed the jar, twisted the lid with all his might, and after some overly dramatic grunting that made Bugs arch his brow, the lid popped free. “Oh, hey, look at that!”

The rabbit stood, taking the jar. “Heh, thanks, Daffy. Knew we kept ya around for some reason.”

The duck, however, didn’t hear Bugs. “Well, guess that settles it.” He flexed his noodle-like arm, testing the firmness of imaginary biceps. “I always knew deep down I was the manly one around here.”

“Hah, yeah, you’re a regular Paul Bunyan,” Bugs muttered, already chomping into one of the carrots.

“I knew I was doing thomething right at the gym. Guess my pythons just needed the right moment to strike!” Daffy struck a pose, flexing his arms. Nothing substantial rose up to meet his expectations.

“Heh, guess so. Anyways, thanks for the snack…” Bugs began to get up to leave, but Daffy had already pushed to the front of the kitchen, stepping out in front of Bugs, his thin chest puffed up.

“Thtep aside, Slim. I’m going to the gym to pump thome iron and bulk up thome more!” Daffy declared.

Bugs was clenching his teeth as Daffy pushed past him, his head held high. “Yeah, this… this is going to get old real fast,” the rabbit muttered to himself, biting into his second carrot.

Bugs’ words proved prophetic. In the span of a few days, one random incident in the kitchen had turned into Daffy’s full on obsession. The duck, “borrowing” Bugs’ credit card, had bought all new workout gear, a gym membership, protein shakes, a home gym system, a treadmill, everything he could possibly need to work his body into a bodybuilder’s dream. He might have even made a good start at it, too, if Daffy had any clue at all how to do things properly. 

“Yeah, I guess I’m what you’d call a gym rat,” Daffy said as he went through his stretches, attempting to reach down to touch his toes then quickly changing it to a knee stretch when he realized he couldn’t reach down that far. “I practically live there, pumping iron for these sick gains.”

Porky Pig rolled his eyes as he flipped through a magazine on the coffee table. “Th-th-th-that’s a load of hogwash, Daffy. You signed up a week ago and you only went there for a drink at th-th-th-their smoothie bar.”

“I’m warming up by doing bodyweight exercises,” Daffy replied defensively. “You got to pace yourthelf or your muscles won’t have time to rest and develop. But I wouldn’t exthpect someone of a… porcine body shape to understand.”

“Eh-eh-eh-eh-I beg your pardon?” Porky didn’t take offense easily, but the last thing he wanted to hear was a crack about his weight, or his heritage, from Daffy of all people.

“Ah, don’t sweat it, Porky! Some of uth just have the right genetics!” Daffy said, slapping Porky on the back before marching for the door. “Well, I’m out for my powerwalk! Cardio’s got to fit in somewhere, if I want these pythons to stay ripped,” he said, flexing his arms and making a great impression of two bent, black pipe cleaners. As he opened the door, Bugs was coming in, arms laden with groceries. 

“Hey, the Nonexistent Hulk, mind giving me a hand?” Bugs grunted under the weight. “There’s more in my trunk.”

“Couldn’t make it in one trip, huh? Well, I’m not thurprised. When’s the last time you made it to the gym, buddy?” Daffy patted him on the shoulder, then made his way out before Bugs could ask again. 

Bugs’ eye twitched as he dropped off the bags on the kitchen table, with Porky grabbing what he could. 

“Buh-buh-buh Bugs, we got to do something about Daffy! If he makes wuh-wuh one more crack about my weight, I swear, pow!” He punched the air. “D-d-do you know what he did with the cake I made for my book club? Replaced it with protein bars and a note about my ‘summer bod!’”

“Egh, he keeps thinking he can get me in headlocks and giving me noogies, like we’re back in high school or somethin’.” The rabbit stroked his chin. “We need is to give him a good, hard dose of reality… but how?”

“W-w-we could always sit him down and talk to him like adults,” Porky offered with a shrug.

“Look, if we wanna figure this out, we need to cut the jokes now, okay?” Bugs snapped.

“Right, sorry.”

The rabbit began to pace back and forth, his long ear scratching at his forehead. “Naw, what we need is a real beefcake for him to compare himself to. Yeah, a real big guy to knock him down a peg or two!”

“What big guys do we know that aren’t also huge jerks?” Porky countered.

“Eh, well…” Bugs frowned. “Maybe what we need is to build one up. I know Marvin’s got all kinds of weird gizmos… one of ‘em has gotta be able to make someone stronger.”

“Y-y-yeah, you know what, Bugs, you try that if you want, but I think there’s gotta be a way out of this that doesn’t involve getting help from an alien.”

“See, this is why you don’t get as many episodes anymore,” Bugs declared, moving for the door. He had never been to Marvin’s home before, but Daffy had told him the only way was a strange, alien teleportation device. After driving out to the middle of nowhere, Bugs had to infiltrate a top-secret government facility, sneak into an underground lab, and find the device, about as big as a manhole cover. Once he activated it, Bugs was bracing to see a strange, alien landscape, but as the portal shimmered and the world around him changed, he was now standing three houses down the street from his own home.

“What?” Bugs’ jaw dropped as his eyes swivelled from his own home not a minute away, and at the utterly mundane house before him, with a perfectly manicured lawn and a mailbox labelled “Marvin T. Martian.”

“I landed myself on the FBI’s Most Wanted List for that?” Bugs muttered angrily to himself. He marched up to the front door, and before he could think of what to do next, it opened. Marvin, only coming up to Bugs’ waist, looked up in surprise.

“Oh! Well hello, neighbor. What a delightful surprise. Won’t you come in for a visit?” the martian said, holding the door open for Bugs.

“Eh, yeah, thanks,” the rabbit said, stepping inside. He craned his neck, initially disappointed; it looked like a perfectly ordinary, if rather immaculately clean, living room. But then, Marvin led him into the kitchen. Strange devices, machines, and computers covered every square inch of the room, all of them buzzing, whirring, or blinking busily.

“You’ll have to excuse the mess in here, I recently decided to convert my kitchen into a workshop,” Marvin explained, setting a place for Bugs at the table.

“Can I ask what this one is?” Bugs asked, fiddling with what looked like a toy space gun. 

“Oh, yes, that is my latest model of a disintegration ray for intruders and rude house guests. Isn’t that delightful?”

The rabbit’s brow bounced, slowly setting the gun down like it was about to explode. “Y-yeah, yeah, sure…” He craned his neck, looking around at the place. “Say, uh, you got anything in here that could make a fella really big and strong? Y’know, something for eh, I dunno, a super soldier to help with world domination or somethin’ like that?”

The martian looked aghast. “Now why would you assume I would do something like plan for world domination?”

“Because I’ve met you?”

Marvin paused for a moment, then slowly nodded. “That’s fair enough. I do have something that I was planning to test on some of my Instant Martians…” he punched a few buttons on his console, producing a small vial with a neon purple liquid. “A Body Upgrade For Fortitude compound.”

“B.U.F.F., you mean?” Bugs said snatching the vial and holding it up to the light. 

“Yes. I plan to use it on my minions when it comes time to dominate the planet. It’s lovely, isn’t it?”

“Right, well, uh…” Bugs weighed it in his hand. “What exactly would it take to convince you to, say, lemme take it off your hands?”

“Oh, no, no, no, that is entirely out of the question!” Marvin gasped, snatching the vial back. “This formula has taken me years to develop! I can’t just let it fall into the hands of any old earthling!”

“Aw, c’mon, doc, it’s safe in my hands! I’ll be using it for a good cause, I promise,” Bugs said, crossing his heart.

“You will not, that I am quite sure of!”

“Yes I will!”

“No, you won’t!”

“Yes I will!”
“No, you won’t!”

“I will!”

“You won’t!”
“I won’t!”

“Yes, you will!”

“I won’t! I refuse!”

“Confound it, for the last time, I say you will! Now stop dithering and take the formula off my hands!” Marvin pushed the vial into the rabbit’s gloves, and then started shoving him out of the house. “And don’t come bothering me with anymore trivial matters until you’ve finished the task at hand!” Marvin declared, slamming the door in Bugs’ face. He then instantly re-opened the door. “Oh dear, that was terribly rude of me, have a very pleasant day, neighbor.” Then slammed the door again.

After a beat Bugs looked down at the vial, tossing and catching it. “Heh, ain’t I a stinker?”

Bugs quickly retreated back to his house, and after making sure there were no lasers or an army of aliens coming after him, he wasted no time in uncorking the vial and gulping down the contents. He held his breath, looking down at his body, waiting for… well, he wasn’t quite sure. A few moments passed, and Bugs started to relax his muscles, scratching his head. “Well… that’s funny. Ain’t there supposed to be some kinda earth-shattering kaboom from all this?”

There was a dull thud, and suddenly Bugs’ rabbit feet tripled in size, knocking aside some of the barstools in his kitchen. Before the rabbit could even respond or react, his feet shrank to their original size and pushed all that mass upward, as his legs felt like they were filling up with liquid concrete. They ballooned in size, thighs and calves filling out to sculpted columns. He staggered a bit, patting his right quadriceps and feeling how rock hard it was. “Oh! That’s more like it!”

There was another miniature explosion as his torso swelled up, and up. The floor started to grow further away from Bugs as he shot up in height, and he now towered above everything as muscles thicker than most people’s waists billowed out, filling his wing-like lats and a back as huge as a mountainside. After that were his arms; his shoulders, biceps, and forearms swelled up like rising bread in quick succession, making his gloves tight at the wrist as his arms were in real danger of being wider around than they were long. As a finishing touch, his chest suddenly surged out as a massive pair of pecs, making Bugs stagger forward from the sudden growth. Standing up straight, the rabbit’s jaw dropped, mashing up against the crest of his pecs. He grabbed a stainless steel pan to work as a mirror, and his brow bounced as he saw his face; even his jaw had thickened, giving him a massive maxilla he could probably cut glass on. 

“Woah!” Bugs chuckled, his voice dropping an octave. He flexed an arm and marveling as his bicep surged up like a mountain peak. “Oh, I can’t wait until Daffy gets back from his power walk…”

Bugs didn’t have to wait long. Daffy groaned dramatically as he slammed the door open, striding in like he had just crossed a desert, even as he tried to hide his crumpled up the fast food bag from the local Belly Buster’s. “Boy! That deserved a break,” he said, flopping down on the couch. “I keep thith up, and I’ll be able to have cheat days once or twice a week and still keep up my Olympian physique.”

“Hey! Daffy, is that you?” Bugs called from the kitchen. “Could, uh, you come in here? I need a little muscle to get this jar open.”
The duck frowned. Well, that was the price of being the man around the house. “I’m comin’, I’m comin’. Though, y’know Bugs, your voice is sounding a little congested there, maybe you’re comin’ down with…” his voice trailed off as he saw Bugs, and all he could muster a small, whimpering “...Mother.”

Bugs filled the kitchen. The titanic rabbit already had the jar in his hand, and with the slightest tensing of his immense, steel-like muscles, he twisted the jar itself into a corkscrew as the lid popped off. “Ah, hey, Daffers. Looks like I didn’t need the help after all.”

“B-b-but… how did you- gah!” Daffy was instantly scooped up, caught in a vice grip between Bugs’ swollen, ham-shaped forearm and boulder of a bicep. Bugs effortlessly hoisted him up, the duck flailing helplessly in the rabbit’s grasp.

“Oh, carrots’re really healthy, didn’t you know? A gym rat and natural hunk like you, I figured you’d be gobbling these up like candy,” Bugs chuckled, making his immense chest bounce. “So… let’s talk about you and your new attitude. You gonna be nicer to me and Porky, Mr. Alpha Male?” He tensed his muscles a little further, tightening his grip just enough to make Daffy wheeze.

“Okay! Okay, I give! I give!” Daffy gasped, slapping the rabbit’s intense musculature, like smacking a stone.

The giant rabbit let his humbled roommate down, with a big smirk. “Now that’s more like it. Things’re gonna change around here, Daffy, because I’m not gonna put up with your…” Bugs was distracted but a sudden, sharp rapping on the door, and a muffled shout.

“Mr. Bugs Bunny! Open up, this is the FBI!”

“Oh… oh, yeah.” Bugs muttered deeply, his ears drooping. “Okay, Daffy, you want us to be even? Go stall for me!” He almost chucked the duck back into the living room; looking for somewhere to hide, Bugs opted to charge through the kitchen wall instead, leaving a huge, hulk-shaped hole in the wall as he leapt over the fence, and into the distance.