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Lost Omens - Beta Read Club! Ch 2 sc 4 (Patreon)

Published:
2017-07-14 23:00:00
Edited:
2017-07-17 16:05:59
Imported:
2021-07

Downloads

Content

End of chapter two! Last batch of important characters (my faves) and the last culture in this skirmish. They're all jerks. 

BACKGROUND:

This is a fantasy comic I completed in thumbnail form in 2014-2015. Check the attachment for thumbnails! For more background: https://www.patreon.com/posts/inventory-lost-7710527

PLEASE:

  • DO comment as much as you like! 
  • DON'T share this work outside Patreon. It's incomplete and not intended for wider distribution. Thank you!!

It's rough! Sorry if the art or writing is illegible in places - feel free to call those places out and I can clarify :) 

CONTENT WARNINGS:

For this scene: death, smoking and drinking

Files

Comments

jam

I had forgotten the attachment, it's there now!!! Sorry sorry sorry

Anonymous

it's difficult to offer much commentary on the fight scenes here at this early stage, i'm sure all these furious scribbles make perfect sense to you though :P in story terms i feel like you could pretty safely lose most of the first two pages. firstly, i know it's a common trope, but i personally dislike it when writers adopt an almost reverent tone in describing how their characters are the absolute best of the best at killing people, especially when it's done through characters who are supposedly their enemies. that's just my personal view though, you could take it or leave it obviously. aside from that however, i also feel like this is the first example of some fairly hamfisted exposition that you've avoided resorting to so far. i think you're at risk of almost drifting into some comedic territory here, with these guys going "aw geez i hope the black nines don't show up"... five secs later: "OH SHI-" if you want to build up the arrival of the black nines so that the reader will be aware of the ass kicking that is about to be handed out, i think you should have already laid down that groundwork earlier in the story. one possibility would be at the start of ch1 sc2: unless the battle aftermath there has some other significance that i missed or you haven't mentioned yet, you could set it up as the result of a black nines attack, and have someone (preferably a non-military character so you don't need to rely on a conveniently ignorant rookie) questioning how so much death and destruction could have been caused by so few attackers, and then someone else can naturally explain that that's what happens when you come up against the black nines. that way, the reader will have a vague idea of the black nines in the back of their mind, which sets up their arrival in the next chapter. also, another possibility opened up here would be to establish whether ithan has prior knowledge of the black nines, since they're apparently coming after him next, though that obviously depends on what your plans are for their meeting and so forth. speaking of which, i like the little kind of mini-twist of having bharr show up and ordering the black nines to go after ithan, because i was expecting her to send them after ahbe. i was wondering what was going on until the explanation at the end, then i was like, ah ok, this is an interesting development :)

Anonymous
>>6250594

oh yeah, and... lmao @ the "relationship map" in your concept art XD