Chapter 181: Ship’s ready! (Patreon)

[General POV]

-Dunphy’s house, late at night-

“My legs are still shaky.” Haley whined as she walked with Alex to the kitchen. Claire was tapping on her laptop as she saw the girls, and quietly listened in to their conversation.

Claire grabbed her cup and tea and slowly sipped it. Subsequently, Alex continued replying to Haley, “With all of the grunting and moaning you did, I’d be more concerned for your throat.”

Claire spat out her drink in shock, and looked at her daughter with a horrified expression as she wiped her mouth with a napkin, “W-What?”

Haley said casually, “Ignore Alex mom. She’s jealous because she wasn’t the one laying down on the bed.”

Alex snorted and spoke sarcastically, “Yeah, I’m jealous that I had to watch you having a ‘good time’ alone. Ugh, I know for sure this…will come in to haunt me again in my dreams later.”

Claire’s voice shook and she asked, “Haley…you have– had a … ‘good time’, and you make Alex watch?”

Haley defended herself, “Well she’s the one who insisted on staying. I wanted her to leave me alone too. At first I thought it'd be weird, but turns out, I’m okay with it.”

Claire gasped sharply and covered up her mouth as her eyes got glassy.

“Geez mom. Why do you look so anxious? You know what? Maybe, you should arrange some time and let Ed work his magic on you too.” Haley said, not thinking much.

“W-WHAT?!” Claire exclaimed in disbelief.

Haley smiled and said excitedly, “Yeah mom. The way he just gets in there…and continues digging the sore spot, despite how many times you scream…but what you really want is for him to get in there more…”

“Haley that’s enough!” Claire couldn’t even look Haley in the eye after that. Phil walked in at that moment and asked, “Hey honey.”

“Dad. Edward, is amazing!” Haley spoke excitedly.

“Don’t tell your dad that!” Claire said hurriedly and panicky.

Phil was confused and then smiled, “No wait. I already knew that. Alex told me when they came back. I texted Edward to see if I can learn from him.”

[Phil’s commentary]

“When Alex told me that he’s great at massaging, I’m doubtful at first, to be honest. But then, I saw Haley with a light glow on her skin, and even her steps became airy. Not to brag, but I have a masseuse certificate. But I could never do what he did.”

“Claire has been working extra hard for these few months. So, I wanted to do something nice for her. Even if I’m not the one that’s going to give it to her, I’d be fine with Edward taking over my job.”

[Phil’s commentary]

Haley grinned and said, “You really should learn that! Maybe learn it when mom went there and get it from him. You can stay on the chair beside them like Alex did.”

“OOh. I should get a camera too so that I can rewatch the whole thing at night to learn.” Phil nodded as he was acknowledging what Haley said, but Claire was really horrified right now.

“You guys are sick! This whole family is sick!” Claire scolded before she anxiously stormed away, grabbing Luke with her as she got out of the house.

“Honey, where are you going?” Phil asked. “All I want to do is ask Edward to show you a good time. I know you want it too.”

“NO. I DON’T!” Claire said from afar.

Alex then realized something, “Does mom know we were talking about a massage?”

“Hmm? What else could it be?” Phil asked, confused. Haley was also confused, leaving Alex alone there trying to hold back her laugh.

“You really should explain to her about the topic of the conversation.” Alex said to Phil before she cackled. Then, she stopped and spoke sternly, “Seriously. You should go there and tell her that  right now. Or else she won’t ever come back to the house.”

“I got it.” Phil didn’t question his smart daughter and ran for Claire immediately. The sisters didn’t react much to the normal family drama. Haley changed the subject and asked, “Oh yeah. What did you guys talk about before we went back?”

“Oh. He said he’s going to bake. I noticed that he’s already really tired, so I said no.” Alex replied.

“Huh? Tired?...wait. How did he say it?”

“He said, “I’m going to get baked, just go get your sister’s voice out of my head.” His grammar was already all over the place.” Alex replied with a slight chuckle.

Haley widened her eyes, but then she smiled and said, “You know. Sometimes, you’re so smart… Sometimes.”

“Huh?” Alex was smiling at first but then was confused as to why Haley stressed out the word sometimes at the end.

…

[Edward POV]

“Why did I make some dough last night?” I wondered as I checked the fridge after I woke up in the morning. It was only 4.30 am, and the sun wasn’t even up yet.

“I don’t know. Everytime I asked you about it, you just giggled and slapped the dough. Then, you ate a bunch of snacks before going to sleep.” My dad replied as he was sipping coffee.

Usually, we get up around 5.30 to 6, but today was a special day.

“Oh. Nevermind that then.” I replied, not wanting for him to realize that I was as high as a kite last night. “They are hauling your new ship to the dock right now, are you excited?”

“Excited as I’ll ever be with a ship’s engine so faulty, its role model was the titanic.” My dad joked.

“To be fair, Titanic didn’t have an engine problem. They have the iceberg problem, and most of the rich people on board were against the Federal Reserve decision to print more money, so you know they won’t be able to live that long.”

“Wait. Is that real?”

“Nah. I’m just messing around. You hear that, NSA–agent–tapping–into–our–phones?” I joked.

My dad smiled and said, “Someone seems to be in a good mood today?”

“I’m in a good mood everyday I woke up and still have muh money.” I said as I did a gangsta gesture. “By the way, since I have the giant ass dough, I'm thinking of making cronuts. But it’s going to take an hour for me to bake it.”

“What’s a cronut?” My dad asked.

I looked at him in disdain and said, “So Uncultural.”

“???” My dad was really confused about this. Why wouldn’t he be since cronuts wouldn’t be invented till 2013, and I currently have no idea that it didn’t exist in this world yet!

A cronut was a mixture of croissant and donut, hence the name, cronut. It became viral the moment it was invented. In my past life, I was a big fan of the pastry, but I never knew the history of it.

“So, should I do it or not?” I asked my dad again.

He thought about it and then shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t matter if we’re a bit late. We’re the boss. So, I’d say, do it.”

“Hmm…Alright. So now, go away. I want to record the process and upload it, so you staying here will ruin the video’s quality.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a technical term, or an… insult.”

“Whenever you aren’t sure about something, just go straight to insult. Trust your instinct on this.” I smirked at him and chased him away.

He didn’t go far, and just sat out of the video’s frame. While I was setting up the cameras, he said, “I maybe remembering this wrong, but didn’t you hate, and if I may quote you on this, ‘The parasitical waste of human society– the instagram influencers’, so why are you trying to be like them right now?”

I held a knife at my dad and warned, “Call me an influencer again, and I’ll stick this somewhere where the sun doesn't shine! How dare you compare someone who is giving the gift of ‘food porn’ to the world to someone who even porn industry is going to reject! Just for that, I’m downgrading your cronut amount from two to one.”

“Oh come on!” My dad whined. “Ugh. I hate this new dynamic between us.” He complained fakely.

“Well, go get me a new mother. That for sure will change the dynamics of everything.” I joked/seriously said to him.

He froze for a while and let out a fake cough before saying, “Do you want any help?”

“Ummm…There’s no need. I can do it on my own. But I’m going to need containers to put them in.”

I pressed the record button on the camera and started cooking. However, just like with my dad, I made the whole video on the assumption that people knew what a cronut was.

My dad took out a couple of boxes from the cupboard and asked me weirdly, “Why do we have donut boxes here…And why are they labeled… so simple?”

It was an orange and red coloured box with the label [Foodstuff] on it.

I rolled my eyes at him and said, “Well it’s not like I’m going to make my own bakery! It’s just something I need, and the suppliers won’t custom make it if there wasn’t a brand name on it.”

“And you think a good name for it should be, [Foodstuff]?”

“It is for the food and stuff. Stop bothering me and go fold the boxes!”

I turned back to the camera while I was cutting the dough I had flattened and said, “I’m not going to make it circular, but instead I’m going to make it a rectangular cronut. Cause making circular ones is going to give me a lot of work to re-knead them.”

After I finished making the cronut, I put one on a plate and then glazed it. Then, I captured the finished product and then finally filmed me taking a bite of it and asking people to try it out on their own and enjoy.

Then, I turned off the camera and then started making the cronut in a large batch. As we boxed them up, my dad was following me from behind with a post it notes and recorded where these pastries were going to go and for who.

“First box is for Frankie, Dwayne, Glenn, You, Dina, and the guys at the docks..” I said as I packed up 18 cronuts in 3 boxes.

“Secondly is for Jay, cause he likes to try new stuff. So 3 for Jay, Gloria, and Manny.”

“Third box is for Mitchell, Cameron and Lily, cause if they know that I had given Jay one, and they didn’t get it, there will be so much drama!!...So right now I’m torn as to whether I should give it to them or not. It’s also 3 for them.”

“The fourth box with the pink bows on it is for Pepper, Renaldo, Harvey and Randall. I’m sure Leo’s still high, so I put another one extra for him, so 6 cronuts there. ”

“Fifth one is for Taylor and Selena. Cause they will kill me if I don’t give it to them.” I said as I pointed at the tiny box.

“The next box is for my friends that’s still in middle school, Billie, Finneas, and Enid. I also put some for Mrs Henderson in there. There’s 4 for them.”

“The one next to them is for those in high school, Jenna, Elsa, Abraham, Tara, Jacob and also for Sage.”

“Wait. Sage is in your school? She’s a highschooler?” My dad asked, confused.

“Ah. No. She’s a substitute History teacher. And her real name’s Miss Anna.”

“Ahhhh.” My dad exclaimed in realization. “Got it.”

“And the last one is for the Dunphys. I’m going to go there and give it to them right now. I’m sure that Claire is already up.” I said as I picked up a box. “I don’t think you’re going to Calexico to give Aunt Camila one, so we’ll just store it in the fridge for her.”

My dad went to store the boxes inside the Ford Dodger car  that I was going to drive to school with today, and some inside his own car. But before I walked out of the door, I suddenly stopped as I realized something.

“Hmm…I packed up more than 30 cronuts today.” I muttered with my lips curling up.

“36 to be exact… So?” My dad asked, confused.

“Nothing. It just feels funny when I think that I have more than 30 people that I’m close with. I can’t imagine doing this half a year ago.” I said with a chuckle.

My dad smiled kindly and patted my shoulder before saying, “Yeah. Life has really turned out for the better right?”

“Ugh, don’t be so lame.” I rolled my eyes at him and then walked out of the house.

…

*Ding Dong*

I rang the house’s doorbell, and I didn’t have to wait long for Claire to open up the door while still in her nightdress and robes.

“Umm…Why are you here so early in the morning?” Claire asked.

“I came here bringing nuts.” I said, causing her to be baffled. “Cronuts to be exact. Here. I can’t stay here for so long, so you guys enjoy this during your breakfast.”

Claire was confused, “What’s a cronut– You know what, I don’t even care about that right now. The smell is so good!”

“Of course it’s good. I made it myself. Alright. Bye!”

…

[General POV]

Claire couldn’t react until after Edward had left. “Thank you!” She screamed from afar.

She smiled and then said, “What a sweet kid,” Completely forgetting about last night’s affairs.

A few minutes later in the kitchen, as Claire was taking pictures of the cronuts to share it to her family members, Haley walked downstairs groggily and went to the fridge.

“Oh Good morning honey–” Claire tried to greet Haley, but the daughter held her finger up, gesturing to give her a second. Then, Haley took out the big jug of milk from the fridge and started gulping it down.

Claire frowned in disgust, “Haley used a glass–” However, she slowly widened his eyes in shock as she saw that Haley was downing the milk without rest.

“Ahhh!” Haley exclaimed with a milk mustache on her face as she finished the entire milk.

“What the?” Claire was baffled.

“Mom. I’m starving! Do we have any meat or chicken?” Haley asked, causing Claire to put her hand on her forehead to take her temperature.

“Hmm…You’re not feverish. What’s going on? Did you do drugs last night?” Claire asked in suspicion.

“What’s this?” Haley ignored Claire’s accusation as she saw the box.

“ That. Edward stopped by and gave us some pastries. It’s called ‘Cronut’.”

“Oh.” Haley picked one up and took a bite. She then exclaimed, “Oh my god! This is soo goood! I’m in love with CRONUTS!” She wiped the white glaze off her lips and then licked that stuff off her fingers.

“Let me try one too.” Claire said as she happily picked one up and then tried it. “Oh my god. I can’t stop eating this.” She said.

After they finished one, Haley and Claire found themselves eating a second cronut each, leaving only 2 of them in the box.

Claire let out a gasp after she realized what had just happened. “Wait. Haley. We need to stop.”

“Do we really need to, mom? Other than us, who else knows that Edward had sent these bites of heavens directly on our doorsteps this early in the morning?”

“Ummm…” Claire hesitated for a while. “Alright. If we’re going to do this, we need to make sure that we left no evidence behind!”

“Got it!”

Then, the mother and daughter finished the last two cronuts and then threw the box into the trash– in which Haley then took the trash outside for the garbage truck to pick up.

“Wow, that’s the first time that you had ever actively volunteered to do chores.” Claire exclaimed after Haley got back inside.

At 7 am, Alex walked downstairs to the kitchen, and then her nose suddenly picked up a scent.

“What is that sweet smell?” She asked, causing Haley and Claire who were sipping coffee at the table to widen their eyes.

…

[Edward POV]

After I sent the cronuts, I rushed back home to change my clothes and then drove to the port. I stopped by Jay’s house and Cam’s house, and used a longer route than my dad, causing me to arrive there 20 minutes later than him.

Frankie, who was wearing a business suit, smiled and greeted me as she saw me rushing over. “You’re going to be late to school.”

“It’s fine. The principal and I have an understanding.” I grinned at her. “Aww. I missed the part where the ship enters the water. Has anyone broken a bottle at the hull yet?”

Frankie replied as she thought about it, “No. I don’t think they have.”

“Good. Cause I want to do that.” I said as I rushed to the front after dropping off the cronut box at Frankie’s hand.

“May she always sail safe and sound.” My dad said as I slammed the bottle at the ship’s hull.

The crew cheered as they watched the sleek, classy, 50 meters long yacht with the sign, Moby Dick 2 on the back.

“Alright, alright. Let’s get back to work–” My dad was trying to get the crew to calm down, but then he saw me humming something as I watched the new ship. “Edward. What’s that? What are you singing?” He asked.

“Huh? Oh, just a sea shanty. Not important.” I said dismissively.

Dwayne and the other sailors who heard it were excited. Dwayne said, “Well if it’s a sea shanty, then you should start singing it, and then we will all join in.”

“Nah nah. I’m not a sailor–” I tried to get away, but I couldn’t. Dwayne grabbed me and said, “Why are you so embarrassed? You’re the top singer in the country right now, and you’re afraid of singing a sea shanty.”

“I’m not afraid. I’m just…you know…HAVE SCHOOL!” I replied sternly.

Dwayne was a little embarrassed, but then my dad said, “Well then, you’d better sing right now, or else you’ll be late.”

Glenn then shouted with his high pitched muppet voice, “Or else, you won’t be able to go to school today!”

“Alright alright. Now, give me a guitar.” I gave up as I saw their excited look.

Frankie said, “Oh. You need a guitar to sing…a sea shanty?”

“I just need something to knock on to play the beat. Best if it was a guitar.” I replied to her. She smiled and said, “Got it. Here you go.”

I started drumming on the back of the guitar and then sang the song.

[Wellerman (Sea Shanty) by Nathan Evans]

“♫♪There once was a ship that put to sea

The name of the ship was the Billy O' Tea♫♪

♫♪The winds blew up, her bow dipped down

Oh blow, my bully boys, blow (huh)♫♪”

The sailors smiled and then filled up their morning cup of coffee with liquor. I hopped on the top of the table and sang.

“♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪”

“Remember this part!” I shouted to them. Frankie was confused and whispered to my dad, “What’s a Wellerman?”

“I don’t know. I think it means traders. I’ll ask him about it later.” My dad replied with a whisper too. Then, I caught both of them making eyes at each other, blushing and giggling, which made me confused and almost slipped from the table. ‘Wasn’t she a lesbian?’, I thought secretly.

“♫♪She'd not been two weeks from shore

When down on her a right whale bore

The captain called all hands and swore

He'd take that whale in tow (huh)♫♪”

“All together now!” I shouted.

The whole crew than sang together in harmony,  “♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪”

I laughed before I sang alone,

“♫♪Da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da♫♪”

“♫♪Before the boat had hit the water

The whale's tail came up and caught her

All hands to the side, harpooned and fought her

When she dived down low (huh)♫♪”

Together: “♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪”

♫♪No line was cut, no whale was freed

The captain's mind was not of greed

And he belonged to the Whaleman's creed

She took that ship in tow (huh)♫♪

“Oh god. This story is like Moby Dick’s story. And even that name is here, on the new ship’s bow!”  Glenn shouted in a weird high pitched voice. Well, higher pitch than the normal high pitch.

Together: ♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪

Together: ♫♪Da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da♫♪

♫♪For forty days or even more

The line went slack then tight once more

All boats were lost, there were only four

But still that whale did go (huh)♫♪

♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪

♫♪As far as I've heard, the fight's still on

The line's not cut, and the whale's not gone

The Wellerman makes his regular call

To encourage the captain, crew and all (huh)♫♪

Together: ♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come

To bring us sugar and tea and rum

One day, when the tonguing is done

We'll take our leave and go♫♪

I slowed down the music and then sang the last verse, “♫♪Soon may the Wellerman come! To bring us sugar and tea and rum! One day, when the tonguing is done! We'll take our leave and go♫♪”

The crowd clapped and cheered shortly after that. Then, they returned to their cakes and drinks, which made me feel a little bit like a cheap whore.

“Pffts. Sailors.” I scowled in disgust as I walked to my dad and Frankie.

“Hey dad. Are you trying to teach Frankie what ‘tonguing’ means? Cause you should teach her in private for that.”

My dad widened his eyes while Frankie chuckled. “I know what tonguing means Ed. But thanks for thinking about me.”

I chuckled a bit seeing their reaction, and then I whispered to Frankie, “I thought you like girls?”

“Hmm? What? Why do you think that? Or ask about that?” Frankie was confused.

“Nevermind. I’m going to get to school. Bye! Oh, and dad, make sure that everything is okay with the ship first before taking her out.”

“Stop nagging. Go! You’re late.” He chased me away quickly to prevent me talking to Frankie anymore.

“Ah, and by the way, I approve of her if you want her to be my new mother–”

“GOO!” My dad scolded me as I tried to speak with him again in the car. Then, I drove off quickly and then stopped by the middle school first to leave the pastry to Mrs Henderson– got scolded by her for a while because I wasn’t in my class, and only after that did I get to my high school.