Story 9 - Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention (Part 7) (Patreon)

The three of us had a pleasant discussion on the Dao of Alchemy. Since we were out in the open, our discussion attracted a crowd of curious alchemy nerds who, when they heard about the topics we were discussing, listened in with rapt attention. At first, it was just one or two. But they sent secret sound transmissions to their friends and more joined them. Eventually, the crowd became so large that security had us move to an open rest area near the main lecture hall.

We were in the middle of discussing a problem White Lily had when dealing with a generic healing dan for Nascent Soul realm cultivators when a cultivator was brought out of the main hall by the rarely-seen Alchemist Association’s physician. The injured man clutched a calligraphy brush that had somehow been stabbed into a spot near his eye and couldn’t be removed.

A small team of security followed Brush Guy while roughly escorting a man who covered his face with his hands, as if trying to avoid being recognized.

Several stragglers followed behind them, gawking while eating spiritual melon seeds. I noticed Alchemist Graceful Pear Blossom, who I had seen in my past life. She was an uninhibited gossip and a dramatist. If anyone could tell us what happened, she could.

“Fellow Daoist, can you tell us what went on?”

Her eyes lit up. “You want to hear it?”

“We all do!” someone in the crowd called.

She gestured with her bag of seeds to the guy covering his face. “I overheard Onyx Brush talking about how excited he was to listen to the Azure Pill Saint’s lecture. But he had to leave his place to greet a senior. When he returned, that man,” she moved her bag toward the guy with an ink brush wound, “Alchemist Immovable Stone, had taken his spot.”

She then held up a finger to forestall questions. A big showman’s smile appeared on her face. “The two argued.” She showed us her left side and waved her fan in anger while pretending to be Onyx Brush. “‘I arrived first.’”

Then she moved so her right was more visible and crossed her arms, acting like Immovable Stone. ‘‘Well, you weren’t here when I arrived.’”

She used a technique to create an illusory image of herself, which stayed behind when she moved right again. With a sword-like jab of her fan, she pointed back toward the lecture halls and glared at her double. “‘I only left to greet a senior.’”

Her double with the crossed arms tilted her head up, acting just like an arrogant asshole. “‘I don’t believe that this is your spot.’”

She placed her hands on her hips. “‘Are you really going to be this unreasonable?’”

Her clone narrowed her eyes. “‘You can’t make this stone roll!’”

Then she addressed everyone. “And that was when it happened. The normally genial Alchemist Onyx Brush, who had been genuinely looking forward to the Azure Pill Saint’s lecture, snapped.”

With a twist of her wrist, she held her fan up and jumped forward toward her illusory double, stabbing her near her eye with her fan. Then her stab victim vanished.

“He stabbed him with his brush, of all things?” someone in the crowd asked.

She shrugged. “It happened in anger! It’s probably a spiritual tool since it seems to be stuck near his eye. Regardless, I don’t think Alchemist Onyx Brush will come back to the convention next decade.”

“But Alchemist Immovable Stone was also in the wrong,” another person pointed out.

One of the blue-and-orange-robed attendants walked over and bowed to us. “Esteemed Alchemists, the association has decided that Onyx Brush and his Alabaster Eagle Clan will forever be unable to join our convention. And, while Alchemist Immovable Stone’s Three Thunders Sect can join us, he will be banned from any convention the association puts on in the future.”

She paused, allowing the crowd to ruminate over the serious consequences of doing something horrible on convention grounds. And, that they didn’t just kill these troublemakers off meant that the association was daring these clans to try something so they could show them getting their ass beat.

Many people in the crowd shuffled their feet or looked away from the attendant’s stare.

“The association has asked me to remind you that Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention.” Then she turned to leave.

Well, that was fucking unusual. Frankly, it was so rare for something like this to happen that I could imagine everyone secretly talking about this for decades after.

Before the Con attendant could get far, a powerful Immortal Bone Creation man stepped in front of her. He had dark brown hair streaked with gray and his eyes were a bright blue — likely from his cultivation technique. A sycophantic retinue stood behind him and another attendant closely followed him.

The crowd grew completely silent and several of the people tugged on their friends’ sleeves to get them to pay attention to the man.

“It’s the Azure Pill Saint!” a girl whispered to her friend while looking at him with fanatic eyes.

[Image Link] 

Ah, this guy looked younger than I remembered him. He must be on his way to the main hall, since his lecture would start soon.

He addressed the attendant. “While I agree with the Association’s punishment of banning those two from the Convention, it is partially because of me that they got into this mess. Both of them were just too desperate to see my lecture.”

Wow. It had been a while since I’d seen anyone this conceited. Where was he going with this?

The Pill Saint smiled. “How about, after poor Immovable Stone is treated, we have them both attend my lecture? They can stand in the back beside the security guards. Afterwards, they can be thrown out.”

“Oh, I wish there had been more room in the main hall!” A man in the crowd whispered. “I would stab someone in the eye if it also got me in there.”

“He’s so magnanimous!” the fanatic girl from earlier said. “Do you think I could become his wife?”

“Keep Dreaming,” her friend logically said and crossed her arms under her chest. Then, nonsensically she added, “Between the two of us, he’d obviously choose me.”

This level of braindead fanaticism hurt my head. I thought I’d only see it when it came to Bloodsword, but I guessed people didn’t change, only the object of their adoration did.

The attendant tilted her head as if she were receiving an incoming message. Then she bowed. “This one greets Azure Pill Saint.” Then her eyes shifted to the attendant next to him before she said, “This is a small request from our guest of honor, so, of course, the Association can oblige.”

He nodded. “Good. Then I should get ready. My lecture will start in a while. I wonder who in the crowd will have an epiphany this time?”

Nearly everyone whispered in excitement.

After nodding to several people in the crowd, he walked toward the main hall. His retinue followed, and several of the cultivators that surrounded us earlier broke off and went after him.

This treatment by the Association wasn’t unusual. I knew because I had frequently attended as a guest of honor. What was unusual was how much the crowd adored him, as if his words were made of gold. It wasn’t like a casual sentence from him could give them an epiphany.

Well, maybe I was just too old. The magic of seeing someone I admired was lost to me because I had been that respected… even if I had always come in second place. Fucking Violet Pill Fairy!

“Alchemist Lin, why are you suddenly glaring at Azure Pill Saint?” White Lily asked.

I straightened my spine. “Of course, I wasn’t!” Not at him, anyway.

She gave me a skeptical look.

I cleared my throat. “Now where were we?”

Before I could tell everyone my solution to Lily’s Alchemy problem, Violet Pill Fairy and her team came storming over toward me.

Well, if it isn’t the devil-like bitch herself.

And that was when I noticed a livid Five Leaves Medicine. Oh, no. I’d have to be extra wary of him.

“You!” Violet practically yelled. “Did you bribe someone to do it?!”

The fuck? I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at her. “What are you talking about now?”

“Your lecture’s time overlaps with mine!!”

Was that right?

I quickly brought out my schedule. “My lecture begins right after Azure Pill Saint’s and goes for two hours.”

Violet Crossed her arms arrogantly. “Mine starts an hour after his.”

“Then you’ll have to begin yours later because I only prepared a two-hour speech.”

Five Leaves Medicine glared at me and an intense, near-bone-crushing pressure hit my little Foundation Establishment body. My muscles strained to keep me standing. A sourness tickled the back of my throat. I coughed up a mouthful of blood.

Fuck, how could this asshole be so sensitive?

This wasn’t good. If he’d used the pressure from his divine sense, I could shrug it off like it was nothing, but because he used his realm to pressure me, it put an immense force on my body.

This was coercion to make me give in to Violet and cut my lecture short. Well, fuck that! I’d never give up! Besides, he wasn’t the only powerful cultivator around.

::Peak Master Enduring Flame. Your Martial Aunt could use some help.::

It only took a couple of seconds for him to arrive and remove the pressure, physically coercing me into complying with Violet’s demands, whatever those were.

Lina arrived soon after and she stood next to the blue-and-orange-robed assistant who came with Violet’s group.

Once I was no longer suffering from that Pill Saint’s pressure, I popped a healing dan into my mouth and quickly summed up the situation to Enduring Flame through my telepathic technique.

The two Immortal Bone Creation experts stared into each other’s eyes as if fighting mentally. Each of these masters was likely calculating what their next move would be. It was possible that we’d see a horribly intense fight soon. Was this where the Alchemy Convention’s little advertising phrase really became a lie?

Oh, sure, the brush incident just happened, but that was mild compared to two Immortal Bone Creation experts throwing down. A fight between them would destroy this island in a few minutes. If that happened, we’d have to evacuate as quickly as possible.

“Well, if it isn’t the Enduring Flame of the Indomitable Will Sect.”

The Peak Master grinned. “It’s good to see you too, Fellow Daoist Five Leaves Medicine. I hear that there is a problem regarding scheduling?” He looked at Lina, who still wore her professional smile.

Lina bowed. “The convention staff apologizes. There was a scheduling error. Obviously, Alchemist Violet Pill was supposed to lecture after Alchemist Lin. Instead, she was scheduled to start an hour into her lecture.”

Violet shook her head and placed one hand on her hip. “I don’t want to be scheduled for two hours after the Azure Pill Saint. In fact, I should be scheduled for the hours Lin was. My team’s discovery is more important than solving some plague that mostly affected mortals.”

Did this bitch just...

“I disagree!” I said. “While the solution to the Five Leaves Break Down is an important discovery, it’s not nearly as impactful as the millions of lives that will live because of my cure.”

This fucking monopolistic scum was using this as an excuse to get the better time slot! She wanted my high tier spirit stones! Knowing this spiteful bitch, if she got her way, she’d do everything in her power to convince the cultivators to leave before my lecture happened. Like fuck would I let that happen.

“I agree,” Enduring Flame said. “It’s obvious what the convention thinks as well since they put little Senior Lin here right after the guest of honor.”

Lina nodded. “The staff has agreed to give compensation to Alchemist Violet Pill for the trouble. It is our mistake that the schedule was listed incorrectly. As long as she will accept the correct time slot—”

Violet crossed her arms under her breasts and glared at Lina. The white beast on her shoulder hissed. “What compensation could be worth the honor of lecturing those who stayed for the Azure Pill Saint’s lecture? Not to mention that, while Little Alchemist Lin here may have saved many by solving the Demonic Vine Plague, my team’s discovery will eventually benefit countless. How can you possibly compare something that happened in the past with an innovation that will change the face of alchemy on a fundamental level?”

Of course, Violet would be fucking unreasonable. Which one of Bloodsword’s wives wasn’t?

“Actually, I think Little Violet Pill makes an excellent point.” Five Leaves Medicine clasped his hands behind his back and appeared to speak with authority. “If anyone deserves to lecture right after the Guest of Honor, it’s her.”

Peak Master Enduring Flame smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Are you trying to steal my senior’s lecture slot?”

He chuckled, gaze filled with mockery. “You call this child your senior?”

The Peak Master’s strange flames stilled as if frozen in time. “She’s the disciple of Immortal Zhenren Sword Within the Light of Virtue. If she’s not my senior, then what is she?”

The shocked expression that appeared on Five Leaves Medicine’s old face was priceless. Muahahaha!

“Impossible! He never took a disciple. He even refused to teach me his logical alchemy methods when I offered to exchange with him.”

I crossed my arms and grinned. “If you don’t believe that Immortal Zhenren is my master, then how about I give you my lecture on the merits of logical alchemy versus traditional orthodox variations?”

Enduring Flame — who had suffered through all six hours before — quickly said, “As much as we would all love to hear that lecture, you don’t have enough time to finish it before you have to get ready.”

The Pill Saint stroked his beard and looked between the two of us. “Ah, I see it now.”

Violet stepped up. She must have sensed that if she let things continue, she’d be at a disadvantage. “Fine, I concede that both of our topics have merit. But that just means that the best lecturer should go first!”

What was this nonsense?

“Fellow Alchemist Lin is still young. While she might be knowledgeable, lecturing to a crowd of thousands on a complex topic is a different skill than alchemy.”

This ageist bitch was looking to throw down. Since she went there, I was going to pick it the fuck up.

I clasped my hands behind my back and glared. “How about we have a battle of lectures?”

Both of her eyebrows rose. “How should we go about doing that?”

I gestured to the crowd, who hadn’t left. Some of them even joined the melon seed eaters to munch on snacks as if watching a show. “We both agree to speak about an alchemy topic the crowd can vote on. Then we use secret sound transmission to talk to everyone. Whichever lecturer can hold this crowd’s attention the longest wins both lecture times.”

Meaning that only one of us gets all the spirit stones. Muahahaha!

I looked to Lina, “The Alchemy Association will allow us to do this, right?”

Her professional smile did not waver as she paused for a minute. “The Association agrees; however, the attendees are expecting two different lectures. Are both of you sure you can teach a second topic?”

“Easily,” I said. How many lectures have I given in a thousand years?

Violet snorted. “Of course, I can.”

Two more assistants fell in beside Lina. “Then we’ll ensure your wager is fair,” the three spoke in unison.

Yeah... okay. Maybe Little Spring had a tiny point — some things in the Con seemed off. Just a little.

Previous | Next

Author’s Note: Thank you all for reading! You are the best readers a writer could ask for!

Thank you for your patience. Because I delayed the chapter’s release until today, I could add my Developmental editor’s notes to this chapter. I think the overall story will come out better for it.

So, the brush-stabbing incident is actually my take on something that actually happened at San Diego Comic Con. You can look up “guy stabbed with pen near eye at SDCC in 2010” if you don’t believe me.

You see, I have attended SDCC almost every year since I first went for one of my Game Art and Design classes back when you could get a ticket the day of the convention. So around 17 years. Though I haven’t gone for the past three years for multiple reasons (Covid, my boy, not going through the effort to get my professional pass renewed). It’s a place where you can strike up a conversation with someone standing in line with you that you’ve never met and have something meaningful to say or learn. Almost everyone I’ve met there have been friendly and happy to finally talk about their passion with like-minded individuals. This is a place where I’ve lost my wallet or phone multiple times, but every time I’ve gone back to look for it, (sometimes an hour later) it was still there, often protected by the person who grabbed my seat.

I was in line at Hall H (I think I was trying to see Kevin Smith but it may have been for something else) when the pen incident happened. I saw a guy getting carried away on a stretcher and another guy escorted out. It was the craziest thing because that stuff had never happened at SDCC.

The next year, I saw a couple of people wearing sunglasses with a pen stabbed into one lens. These guys were cosplaying the guy who got stabbed near his eye.

Overall SDCC is an amazing con attended by some of the friendliest (And sometimes strangest) pop culture fans you’ve ever met. That incident was so out of place that it stayed in my mind for 13 whole years. I wanted to bring a little of that shock to this Alchemy Convention. Because even if it is in a world where murder happens regularly, bad things aren’t supposed to happen at the convention.