Story 9 - Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention (Part 5) (Patreon)

Farts were undeniably gross, if a part of nature. While the stinky wind wouldn’t spread fecal matter unless the gaseous individual wasn’t wearing pants, it would still spread hydrogen sulfide, the cause of the rotten egg stench.

While mortal food would be fine after being exposed to gas particles like that, immortal cuisine might not be — depending on how delicate the dish was. And in this case, we were talking about something a thousand times worse than a simple smelly toot. Obviously, any uncovered food and drink would have to be disposed of.

I crossed my arms and raised a skeptical brow at the Brewmaster. “Be grateful that I cleaned up your contaminated tea before someone unfortunate drank it. Besides, if you can make it once, then you can do it again!”

“Ridiculous! No cup of tea can ever be the same twice! There are always variations in the water, the leaves, the cup, the temperature.”

“How can you call yourself a brewmaster if you let those differences hinder you from creating a consistently perfect cup of tea? If the water isn’t good, make it better! If the cup isn’t good, get a different one. If the temperature varies too much, find a way to maintain the same heat every time. And if your leaves never have the same quality, blame the merchant for not cultivating good tea trees.”

At that point, both the Golden Core Brewmaster and the tea sellers glared at me.

“You’re not welcome here. Get out!”

I narrowed my eyes at them. “Are you willing to make enemies of the Indomitable Will sect?”

He grinned excitedly. “We’re not from your continent. So... yes!”

I glanced at Little Spring, who had inconspicuously moved closer to the lady from earlier.

::Don’t worry, Sister Lin! I’ll get revenge for you then grab a lot of tea and cakes.::

::Good.::

Part of being a thoughtful martial sister to a protagonist was allowing them to take center stage, even if I could obviously avenge myself.

Besides, there was more than one group that needed payback! Peacefully, of course. We had to make sure that nothing bad continued to happen at the Alchemy Convention.

::And then I might look into the guards here. Because using Nascent Soul cultivators as security is not weird at all.::

When did this brat learn sarcasm? It certainly wasn’t from me.

I rolled my eyes.

Little Spring, the talkative lady, and the tea house employees went inside.

I clasped my hands behind my back and left the line to stand beside the shameless assholes who got me involved in this mess.

“Using your condition like this is reprehensible,” I said while watching the kid’s antics through the open doorway.

“And you righteous cultivators can’t appreciate a good joke.” I could hear the grin in Noxious Fangstrike’s voice.

Fuck this flatulating snake asshole!

I glared at him. “A joke told twice is already stale.” I gestured toward the teahouse. “I hope you enjoyed the outcome of your stunt.”

His smile turned vicious. “As far as I’m concerned, as long as I prevented you from getting what you want, I’ve succeeded.”

Oooooo… this stinky little shit snake! My ass was innocent! How dare these fuckers set up a petty trap for me because I stopped everyone he hated from suffering through his special condition? Just how much did he loathe those two other sects? Or was it those two alchemists in particular?

Fuck. Were all unorthodox sect disciples this unreasonable?

Just as I was about to pull out a nasty trick pill that would sneakily make him itch worse than poison ivy, a familiar voice said. “Little Alchemist Lin?!”

I turned to see two people I hadn’t expected to find here. Friends I could finally talk to about the Dao of Alchemy!

“Ruthless Divine Medicine! Fairy White Lily!” I grinned. I would always appreciate how they helped me by sending Red Three and Red Seven to help us reach our sect.

As the two Nascent Soul cultivators approached, the group from the Irrepressible Beast Blood Sect scattered. Fucking unpleasant assholes. If I had an incident with them again, I’d remember to throw an itchy trick pill at their feet before calling on my juniors to take care of their asses.

“Where is your adorable brother?” White Lily asked. “Did he enter the sect with you?”

I gestured toward the teahouse where Little Spring had just challenged the Brewmaster to a chef duel for tea and cakes.

Was this kid insane?! When he said that he’d get revenge for me, I thought he’d find a way to make trouble for this place, not enter a duel! He didn’t even know anything about tea and cakes. At least, he never prepared any for me.

Even if he was the young protagonist, could he even win against a Golden Core professional who made tea brewing their Dao without some practice? I mean, Little Spring was good, but he wasn’t Zhang Xuan.

The kid brought out several of the tools I crafted for him over the years and started using those to extract certain spiritual substances. He also used his purifying spring water that was abundant in the space but rare outside it, and a thermometer I MacGyvered so he could practice reading precise temperatures with his divine sense.

Even with that water… and all of my fancy tools, he wouldn’t be able to win… right?

Protagonists did lose sometimes… though their losses always made them stronger in some way.

“So, did you get those messages I sent you through the Alchemists’ Guild?” I asked them while watching the fight with my own divine sense.

“Actually, we only just received them a few months ago,” White Lily said. “Not too long after you left, we traveled to a secret dimension for training. We stayed there for a couple of years.”

Pill Otaku frowned as if recalling the horrible incident. “We had a very difficult time.”

“Don’t downplay it. Both of us almost died!”

Was this why I’d never heard of these two in my past life?

Pill Otaku explained, “We became separated in a snowstorm. During that time, some of the other cultivators in the area discovered that Lily carried a treasure with her.”

He was probably talking about her pure Yin body. A constitution that meant she was extremely talented; however, her body could also become a treasure for any high-realmed male cultivator — a really fucked-up concept often seen in cultivation novels.

Her Yin-type body wouldn’t fare well in a snowstorm so powerful that it could affect someone in the Nascent Soul realm, as it needed an amount of Yang energy to stay balanced. If she showed any weakness, the cultivators around her might discover her condition and try to turn her into the perfect cultivation furnace. A powerful one at Nascent Soul too.

“Fortunately, Ruthless Divine Medicine found me just before our enemies surrounded us.”

“Between the two of us and our trick pills, we managed to take care of them. It was an excellent test of how effective those pills can be toward a Nascent Soul cultivator when using the right prescription.”

Yeah, a Pill Otaku would say that during a story like this.

“Some worked better than others.” Lily chuckled. “Well, as you can see, I wouldn’t have survived without my friend.”

His expression didn’t change, but his cheeks turned a bit pink.

If I hadn’t helped him increase his realm, he wouldn’t have been there for Lily. Just imagining poor White Lily, alone, freezing cold, surrounded by greedy disgusting enemies…

With one of that Otaku’s few friends gone, what would have happened to him?

Well, as obsessed with Alchemy as he was, the man was still a cultivator. He would have found her killer and gone after them. And he would have died trying to kill them, because if he had lived, a guy like this would never be a relatively obscure alchemist.

I was glad these two made it through their trial alive in this life.

“What have you been up to over these past couple of years?” White Lily asked.

Too much. But I still went over some of what happened, excluding the Crab Mission, of course.

“Sister Lin!” Little Spring walked out carrying a large round jade cylinder in the shape of a massive coin. Behind him, the Brewmaster followed, looking sheepish.

Holy shit. The brat actually won?! The fuck?

I knew Fairy Garlic was an excellent teacher for general cooking techniques, but I didn’t realize she was that good. Then again, if I included all the specialized tools I made the kid, on top of his spring water, that made everything the purest version of itself… shit. This Brewmaster asshole must have had a rude awakening. I almost felt bad about inflicting him with this world’s protagonist.

Almost. He had been an ass.

With the biggest grin on his face, Little Spring opened the jade to show me an oolong tea cake that had a relief carving of a dragon and a phoenix on the front. The relaxing scent of tea and spiritual energy seemed to cleanse the surrounding area.

Once I nodded, he closed the jade container and handed it to me.

“As expected of my little martial brother.”

I solemnly took it and sent it into his space’s kitchen. Then he turned toward the sheepish Golden Core cultivator. “You agreed to kneel and apologize if I won.”

Losing to a brat a tenth of his age must have been a difficult Teabulation.

The Brewmaster appeared to struggle with himself, but he reluctantly accepted his defeat with grace.

I held my hand up before he could kneel. “No need. I’m a very magnanimous elder. A sincere verbal apology and a bit of compensation will do just as well.”

Cultivators in Xianxia were all arrogant assholes. While bringing them down a peg or two was nice, I didn’t believe they should have to physically prostrate themselves to anyone, aside from certain traditional ceremonies. There were better ways to make amends, like money or a cake of top-quality tea.

He shot me a confused but relieved glance. “I apologize for my rudeness earlier. You were trying to give me excellent advice, but I was too upset by my lost masterpiece. Now I know that I’ve been thinking about things too simply. I used to believe that spiritual tools were a crutch. That the tea brewer’s skill and the ingredients’ quality mattered most of all. Now I see that a brewmaster can only be as excellent as the tools they skillfully use.”

I nodded and clasped my hands behind my back like the little immortal pre-teen I was. “I accept your apology. I’m glad you realized the meaning of my words.” This guy had obviously been humbled... a rare occurrence. Usually, in Xianxia, stuck-up assholes would double down to save face or attack the party they lost to out of spite. Sadly, the real way to save face that they would never understand was to study their mistakes and find ways to avoid repeating them. After all, even immortals could mess up.

He cleared his throat. “Now that you’ve accepted my apology, can I purchase some of your special spiritual tools?”

I squinted at the Brewmaster, but he didn’t squirm. Well, at least he was trying to improve.

“This isn’t a good time since I’m about to discuss the Dao with my fellow alchemists.” I gestured to Pill Otaku and White Lily. ‘And I’ll be lecturing in the main hall after the Guest of Honor.”

His eyes grew wide.

After hearing this, the employees in the teahouse glared at each other. A few appeared ready to slap each other for kicking me out.

“But I’m staying for two weeks. If you provide the materials and the spirit stones, and if I have time, I’ll make you one or two tools. For a price, of course.”

He nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll find you once I have the materials! After your lecture, of course.”

Then he bowed and rushed away.

“Speaking of your lecture,” White Lily said. “Have you seen that Violet Pill Fairy is here?”

“She’s here?” That bitch! How the fuck did she manage that? I thought I grabbed her only opportunity to get an invitation!

“I think she’s supposed to lecture after you in the same hall.”

Little Spring grabbed my sleeve. “Actually, she’s right over there.”

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Author’s Note: Thank you all for reading! You are the best readers a writer could ask for!

I tried something new with the images this week. Hopefully, it isn't super stretched again.

Also, thank you so much for your patience. You seriously are the best! 🥰

Idk, why I’m so tired recently (though a certain little dragon may be partially responsible). It’s been getting worse and worse each week. All those days of burning the candle at both ends finally caught up to me. Usually, at 10-10:30PM I’m ready to start writing/editing, but this past week has been like a fog of exhaustion and I only recover around 11:30 pm-12:30 am leaving just 1-2 hours for writing (def not enough time to get much done). I’m just too tired at night. But that's no good. I need to write! I need to get you all more content! So I’m going to try going to bed early and waking up early to write instead to see if that helps get my brain working better.

If this doesn't help I may have to take like a week off and just sleep as much as I can to recover but I'm going to avoid that if at all possible.

I hope you all are doing better than me in the sleep department.