Story 9 - Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention (Part 3) (Patreon)
Content
After our line hadnât moved an inch for several minutes, the Golden Core alchemists started chatting with the sect members ahead of us. Even Peak Master Enduring Flame and little Grass Sprout started talking with some of the higher realmed attendees. While waiting in line was frustrating, these fellow alchemist nerds werenât going to miss a chance to chat with their peers.
Arriving even later than we had was a group of six boisterous cultivators who strode toward us from a side path wearing a red uniform with gold accents. The strangest thing about these men and women was that they either had extra animal parts â like ears on top of their head â or their eyes and nails were similar to various powerful predators.
Normally, I wouldnât pay any attention to that since some spiritual beasts that transform into humans, keep pieces of their animal form. But I knew, without scanning them with my divine sense, that these people werenât beasts...
Because they didnât attack me on sight.
Their glares never even landed on me.
Their strange condition looked familiar. I couldnât place it. The Nascent Soul level alchemist leading the group, had long black hair, yellow highlights, and snake-like gold eyes. He also had the kind of smooth, graceful movements that some women, who were actually into romance, would call seductive. A couple of the girls waiting in line stealthily observed his overly pretty face.
A tall woman with fluffy swiveling lion ears on top of her blonde head walked beside him. Another young man next to him had black and white hair and panda ears.
Fuck, where have I seen cultivators like this before? Was this a sect Bloodsword fought in the Manhua I never read? Did I fight one of them somewhere? Fuck. After living a thousand years, it was easy to forget small things.
Most humans in this universe did not have these odd hair colors. Not unless they were harem members, part of their extended family, or people who appeared in the manhua version, like the Hu brothers and their tiger-colored hair.
Two more groups suddenly showed up.
One was entirely made up of beautiful women who wore matching green and gold robes that appeared to float with their every step. I recognized their uniform as belonging to the mid-sized Harmonious Sound Sect from literally the other side of the globe from Indomitable Will.
A tall woman with an icy countenance led the girls. Her gaze chilled even further when her blueish-black eyes locked onto the cultivators with predator parts.
A sharp bloodlust poured out of her. One of her sisters grabbed her arm. âSenior Ice Lotus Flower! I know youâre angry, but you canât!â
âI assure you, I can!â
The third group who arrived last didnât wear a uniform, but they coordinated enough to wear black and crimson. Their group only had one woman who seemed just as vicious as the surrounding men.
Their leader appeared to be a man in his thirties with tawny skin and black hair that grayed at his temples. And when his dark gaze landed on the group with animal parts, he pulled out a sword. Three cultivators next to him had to grab his shoulders and waist to hold him back.
I think Iâd heard of these assholes before, too. They were a mid-sized sect called Leashed Claws Sect and specialized in spiritual beast taming.
âSenior Alchemist Iron Fang! Not here!â
He started dragging them forward. âNot here, my ass! Let me go! You know what that bastard from the Irrepressible Beast Blood Sect is like!â
Wow. That sect must have a serious agent of chaos.
Little Spring grabbed my sleeve. He must have been watching. âSister Lin, should we grab our juniors to come stop these three? I think theyâre going to fight.â
I glanced at Peak Master Enduring Flame and Junior Grass Sprout. They were in an animated discussion with an Immortal Bone Creation expert.
âThereâs no reason to bother them.â I raised my voice so all three groups could hear my next sentence. âThey know that if they start shit, theyâll get thrown out.â
The team leaders that had been expelling bloodlust and readying to fight, stopped and turned toward me.
I grinned.
Little Spring shot me a skeptical look.
::Wait for it.::
They took one look at our Indomitable Will sect uniform, maybe a second glance at Peak Master Enduring Flame, and quietly stood in line.
The sheer respect we received as one of the top sects in the world was one of the reasons I pushed us so hard to join this sect back when we were so young.
I also noticed that none of these teams had an assistant like our group did. That meant they werenât large or important enough to be on the Alchemy Associationâs VIP list. That said, they must have made enough contributions to the study of alchemy to get an invite.
Of course, not being able to physically attack each other didnât mean they couldnât shit talk.
The Nascent Soul realm from the green and gold Harmonious Sound sect crossed her arms and glared at the group from the Irrepressible Beast Blood Sect. Now that I thought about it, Iâd never heard that name. Maybe Bloodsword wiped them out while I was in closed-door cultivation? Whatever. That gross trash rat killed off too many clans and sects. I could never keep track of them.
âSenior Ice Lotus Flower,â another of the green and gold girls said to her elder, âthat young cultivator from the Indomitable Will sect is right. There is no point in fighting a reprehensible person from an unorthodox sect if it will just lead to us all getting kicked out.â
âEspecially since heâs from a sect rumored to have worked with demonic cultivators,â another of Icy Lotusâs juniors added.
The beautiful snake-eyed cultivator jerked toward the group in green. His expression turned furious. He pulled out a handful of trick pills. Panda Ears grabbed his arm. âSenior Noxious Fangstrike. You canât,â he whispered. Even though he wouldnât be able to stop someone a realm above him, Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike paused.
âInsulting me is one thing, but if those bitches from the Harmonious Sound Sect think they can offend our precious Irrepressible Beast Blood sect here?â
I had been monitoring the situation up front. From the way Lina gestured frustratingly at the Con badge artist, I could tell that the line wouldnât be moving for a while. Since I had nothing better to do, I metaphorically ate melon seeds while watching this drama. The kid stood beside me, his body practically vibrating with tension as if ready to run if something really happened.
âOur sect saved for a decade to send us here,â Panda Ears said. âYou even put up a portion of the cost from your own funds. We canât allow their insults to get us kicked out.â
âAh, but it was only a decade. The guys from the Leashed Claws Sect had to save for three.â
Alchemist Iron Fang looked like he was about to jump on top of Noxious Fangstrike.
âAre you implying that our Leashed Claws sect makes less money than your cursed unorthodox sect?â
âWhy not! Huh? You all say that weâre working with those demonic cultivator bastards. Why shouldnât we start rumors of our own?â
Oh! These guys were a rare unorthodox sect. Those were people similar to Immortal Flower Thief, that murderous motherfucker I met when I had just time-traveled. He practiced techniques that resembled a demonic cultivatorâs so closely that they could be mistaken for those assholes.
Both of their methods were creepy as fuck and often strong beyond their level. But, like with all powerful unorthodox things, they came with serious side effects. Like having spiritual beast parts without being one.
I often forgot that there were still unorthodox cultivators in this world. They were rare due to them getting mistaken for demonic cultivators and hunted down. It didnât help that their powerful techniques often left them injured or irreparably changed.
If they chose to cultivate something without side effects and be a little less overpowered, they would all live longer. Then again, if their cultivation didnât have side effects, theyâd be orthodox.
Well, I was not impressed with them.
Just when I decided to turn around and ignore this unorthodox sect, a truly terrible stench reached my nose. It was like being bombarded by a hundred stinky socks, getting smacked in the face by a rotten egg, and getting harassed by a skunk... all at the same time. I gagged.
What in the silent, but deadly fart was this?
I used a technique that closed off my sense of smell⊠But it didnât matter because whatever the fuck this ass smell was, it bypassed my technique as if it were a spiritual stench!
Little Springâs eyes watered as he pressed his hand to his nose.
âItâs so bad! Why is this so awful?â Emerald Pine said.
âWho dares?!â Radiant Skies glared at the three arguing sects.
Meanwhile, the Immortal Bone Creation cultivators both continued speaking like they didnât even notice. Peak Master Enduring Flame had probably put up a protection for himself, leaving us young kids to gain some worldly experience. Fucker.
âOh, No. Fellow Alchemist Icy Lotus,â Noxious Fangstrike said while clutching his nose. The other cultivators in his group glared at her exaggeratedly while holding handkerchiefs to their face. âYou should see a physician about that. The condition of your bowels has to be rotten.â
âDonât hold me back,â Icy Lotus said. âIâm going to kill him!â
Suddenly, the stench became worse.
The unorthodox group gasped and suddenly turned their shocked and upset gazes to the Leashed Claws Sect as if the worsened smell came from them.
Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike smirked at their leader. âYou as well Fellow Alchemist Iron Fang. Have you both been eating the same meal during your conjugal meetings? Oh wait, you two arenât married, are you?â
Alchemist Iron Fangâs face turned red from suppressed rage. Then he coughed up a mouthful of blood.
âSenior Alchemist!â The only girl in the group grabbed his arm and helped him stay standing. But tears ran down her face from how awful the smell was.
âFellow Alchemist Hawthorn!â Icy Lotus yelled. Then she turned to glare at Noxiousâs handsome face. âYouâre not fooling anyone here. Everyone knows your body is the one with the special⊠condition.â
Wait, a guy that pretty produced a stench this awful?! What the fuck?
At this point, I didnât give a shit who made this stink. This was chemical warfare. This stench was worse than Old Smokeyâs. It beat out chicken that had been microwaved for ten minutes and morphed into black sludge. The filthy fart lingered like an immortalâs curse and caused even my eyes to water.
It had to die!
I cast my cleaning technique in a wide area. The surrounding cultivators turned visibly cleaner as the spell extended out.
âHey!â
âRude!â someone yelled. âOh! Wow! That noxious scent is gone!â
âThereâs no way a simple cleaning technique can get rid of a scented weapon like that⊠Oh! It worked.â
Finally, I could breathe. And so could the surrounding crowd.
My technique even reached the Nascent Soul cultivators from those three arguing sects. Their faces became pink and refreshed like theyâd recently scrubbed them.
But the smell was gone! And that was the important part.
My work done, I turned back around to see everyone in my group staring at me in horror. Apparently, Iâd even gotten Little Enduring Flame. But that was on him. He could have stopped my technique if he didnât want to be clean.
âYou can all thank me now.â
âThank you, Senior Lin!â they all said.
I nodded in satisfaction.
Then I turned, expecting thanks from the three sects, only to see Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike glaring at me. Actually, all the unorthodox cultivators narrowed their eyes at me like Iâd just made them my enemy.
The fuck did I do?
I crossed my arms behind my back so I appeared to be the little master I was. âWhat? Do you have something to say to a Senior of the Indomitable Will sect?â
âHow could you use a cleaning technique on us without our permission?â
The gall of these people! Fuck. Iâd expect this amount of shamelessness from a Xianxia Protagonist⊠Little Spring excluded.
âIf you want to have your skin peeled off by my cleaning technique, then continue to inflict that smell on my sectâs disciples.â
âThis is bullying!â Lion Ears cried fake tears and rested her hand against Noxious Fangstrikeâs shoulder. âWeâre being bullied by the strongest sect on the central continent. As powerful as they are, they must know that our poor beautiful senior here has a condition.â
âItâs not his fault.â Panda Guy said dramatically. âWhen he feels threatened, his condition acts up. And those two were being too much. You all saw it.â
Alchemist Noxious looked away as if he were pretending to be strong when heâd been hurt emotionally. His gold eyes even glittered as if he were holding back tears. With his seductive face added to the mix, their crying was very effective to the women in the surrounding sects...
The three Golden Core girls glared at the guy. They may dislike me, but they were still my juniors. The Indomitable Will Sect always had each otherâs backs.
âOur senior merely fought back the only way he could!â Lion Ears said dramatically.
Fuck. I couldnât deal with this group.
Their acting was as stinky as that guyâs condition.
The worst part was, the other cultivators focused their judgmental gazes on us. Likely using any excuse to think poorly about a sect at the top of the world.
Little Spring looked like he was about to say something and step in, but the line finally moved. Whatever technical issues theyâd had up front had been solved.
We quickly scrambled to close the gap between us and the other sects.
::Hey, I guess that saying is wrong, huh? Bad things do happen at the Alchemy Convention.::
This fucking brat. ::First of all, weâre not technically in the convention yet. And secondly, nothing bad happened.::
::Iâd say, getting attacked with a terrible smell was awful.::
Had I been too soft on this kid? I could have sworn I put him through a couple months of hell training over the past year. ::Do you have all your limbs?::
::Yes?::
::Has your mind been damaged in any way?::
::Does wanting to throw up when I look at that Senior Alchemist count?::
::No.::
He scowled. ::Then, no.::
::Have you lost all your spirit stones and your capacity to make more?::
::Of course not!::
::Then trust me when I say that nothing bad has happened⊠But it was gross as fuck, so letâs avoid those unorthodox motherfuckers.::
Authorâs Note: Thank you all for reading! You are the best readers a writer could ask for! This part, after editing, is around 2500 words. Also, Past Dragon is an asshole. đ
Iâm not entirely happy with the edits, but Iâm done. Itâs been a rough week and I still havenât finished story 9. (T.T)
Iâm about halfway through it with 10,000 words written in the rough draft. I am taking my time with this story to make it as funny as possible, but Iâm getting my ass kicked by sleep deprivation. My son waking up an hour earlier has ruined what had been my normal sleep/writing schedule. Iâll need to go to sleep an hour earlier that I used to, which will take up an hour I would have had to write and edit (because heâs not going to bed any sooner đ).
Once Iâm finished with Story 9 Iâm going to write chapters for Tanking Hits. Iâd like to post them on Patreon first so I can have a backlog for Royal Road. That said, I think getting emails for chapters of a story you donât want to follow might be frustrating, so Iâm not sure how Iâll incorporate it into my Patreon just yet. I might create a separate tier for it. But that wonât be for a two weeks. Iâd also have to create a TOC.