Story 9 - Nothing Bad Ever Happens at the Alchemy Convention (Part 3) (Patreon)

After our line hadn’t moved an inch for several minutes, the Golden Core alchemists started chatting with the sect members ahead of us. Even Peak Master Enduring Flame and little Grass Sprout started talking with some of the higher realmed attendees. While waiting in line was frustrating, these fellow alchemist nerds weren’t going to miss a chance to chat with their peers.

Arriving even later than we had was a group of six boisterous cultivators who strode toward us from a side path wearing a red uniform with gold accents. The strangest thing about these men and women was that they either had extra animal parts — like ears on top of their head — or their eyes and nails were similar to various powerful predators.

Normally, I wouldn’t pay any attention to that since some spiritual beasts that transform into humans, keep pieces of their animal form. But I knew, without scanning them with my divine sense, that these people weren’t beasts...

Because they didn’t attack me on sight.

Their glares never even landed on me.

Their strange condition looked familiar. I couldn’t place it. The Nascent Soul level alchemist leading the group, had long black hair, yellow highlights, and snake-like gold eyes. He also had the kind of smooth, graceful movements that some women, who were actually into romance, would call seductive. A couple of the girls waiting in line stealthily observed his overly pretty face.

A tall woman with fluffy swiveling lion ears on top of her blonde head walked beside him. Another young man next to him had black and white hair and panda ears.

Fuck, where have I seen cultivators like this before? Was this a sect Bloodsword fought in the Manhua I never read? Did I fight one of them somewhere? Fuck. After living a thousand years, it was easy to forget small things.

Most humans in this universe did not have these odd hair colors. Not unless they were harem members, part of their extended family, or people who appeared in the manhua version, like the Hu brothers and their tiger-colored hair.

Two more groups suddenly showed up.

One was entirely made up of beautiful women who wore matching green and gold robes that appeared to float with their every step. I recognized their uniform as belonging to the mid-sized Harmonious Sound Sect from literally the other side of the globe from Indomitable Will.

A tall woman with an icy countenance led the girls. Her gaze chilled even further when her blueish-black eyes locked onto the cultivators with predator parts.

A sharp bloodlust poured out of her. One of her sisters grabbed her arm. “Senior Ice Lotus Flower! I know you’re angry, but you can’t!”

“I assure you, I can!”

The third group who arrived last didn’t wear a uniform, but they coordinated enough to wear black and crimson. Their group only had one woman who seemed just as vicious as the surrounding men.

Their leader appeared to be a man in his thirties with tawny skin and black hair that grayed at his temples. And when his dark gaze landed on the group with animal parts, he pulled out a sword. Three cultivators next to him had to grab his shoulders and waist to hold him back.

I think I’d heard of these assholes before, too. They were a mid-sized sect called Leashed Claws Sect and specialized in spiritual beast taming.

“Senior Alchemist Iron Fang! Not here!”

He started dragging them forward. “Not here, my ass! Let me go! You know what that bastard from the Irrepressible Beast Blood Sect is like!”

Wow. That sect must have a serious agent of chaos.

Little Spring grabbed my sleeve. He must have been watching. “Sister Lin, should we grab our juniors to come stop these three? I think they’re going to fight.”

I glanced at Peak Master Enduring Flame and Junior Grass Sprout. They were in an animated discussion with an Immortal Bone Creation expert.

“There’s no reason to bother them.” I raised my voice so all three groups could hear my next sentence. “They know that if they start shit, they’ll get thrown out.”

The team leaders that had been expelling bloodlust and readying to fight, stopped and turned toward me.

I grinned.

Little Spring shot me a skeptical look.

::Wait for it.::

They took one look at our Indomitable Will sect uniform, maybe a second glance at Peak Master Enduring Flame, and quietly stood in line.

The sheer respect we received as one of the top sects in the world was one of the reasons I pushed us so hard to join this sect back when we were so young.

I also noticed that none of these teams had an assistant like our group did. That meant they weren’t large or important enough to be on the Alchemy Association’s VIP list. That said, they must have made enough contributions to the study of alchemy to get an invite.

Of course, not being able to physically attack each other didn’t mean they couldn’t shit talk.

The Nascent Soul realm from the green and gold Harmonious Sound sect crossed her arms and glared at the group from the Irrepressible Beast Blood Sect. Now that I thought about it, I’d never heard that name. Maybe Bloodsword wiped them out while I was in closed-door cultivation? Whatever. That gross trash rat killed off too many clans and sects. I could never keep track of them.

“Senior Ice Lotus Flower,” another of the green and gold girls said to her elder, “that young cultivator from the Indomitable Will sect is right. There is no point in fighting a reprehensible person from an unorthodox sect if it will just lead to us all getting kicked out.”

“Especially since he’s from a sect rumored to have worked with demonic cultivators,” another of Icy Lotus’s juniors added.

The beautiful snake-eyed cultivator jerked toward the group in green. His expression turned furious. He pulled out a handful of trick pills. Panda Ears grabbed his arm. “Senior Noxious Fangstrike. You can’t,” he whispered. Even though he wouldn’t be able to stop someone a realm above him, Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike paused.

“Insulting me is one thing, but if those bitches from the Harmonious Sound Sect think they can offend our precious Irrepressible Beast Blood sect here?”

I had been monitoring the situation up front. From the way Lina gestured frustratingly at the Con badge artist, I could tell that the line wouldn’t be moving for a while. Since I had nothing better to do, I metaphorically ate melon seeds while watching this drama. The kid stood beside me, his body practically vibrating with tension as if ready to run if something really happened.

“Our sect saved for a decade to send us here,” Panda Ears said. “You even put up a portion of the cost from your own funds. We can’t allow their insults to get us kicked out.”

“Ah, but it was only a decade. The guys from the Leashed Claws Sect had to save for three.”

Alchemist Iron Fang looked like he was about to jump on top of Noxious Fangstrike.

“Are you implying that our Leashed Claws sect makes less money than your cursed unorthodox sect?”

“Why not! Huh? You all say that we’re working with those demonic cultivator bastards. Why shouldn’t we start rumors of our own?”

Oh! These guys were a rare unorthodox sect. Those were people similar to Immortal Flower Thief, that murderous motherfucker I met when I had just time-traveled. He practiced techniques that resembled a demonic cultivator’s so closely that they could be mistaken for those assholes.

Both of their methods were creepy as fuck and often strong beyond their level. But, like with all powerful unorthodox things, they came with serious side effects. Like having spiritual beast parts without being one.

I often forgot that there were still unorthodox cultivators in this world. They were rare due to them getting mistaken for demonic cultivators and hunted down. It didn’t help that their powerful techniques often left them injured or irreparably changed.

If they chose to cultivate something without side effects and be a little less overpowered, they would all live longer. Then again, if their cultivation didn’t have side effects, they’d be orthodox.

Well, I was not impressed with them.

Just when I decided to turn around and ignore this unorthodox sect, a truly terrible stench reached my nose. It was like being bombarded by a hundred stinky socks, getting smacked in the face by a rotten egg, and getting harassed by a skunk... all at the same time. I gagged.

What in the silent, but deadly fart was this?

I used a technique that closed off my sense of smell… But it didn’t matter because whatever the fuck this ass smell was, it bypassed my technique as if it were a spiritual stench!

Little Spring’s eyes watered as he pressed his hand to his nose.

“It’s so bad! Why is this so awful?” Emerald Pine said.

“Who dares?!” Radiant Skies glared at the three arguing sects.

Meanwhile, the Immortal Bone Creation cultivators both continued speaking like they didn’t even notice. Peak Master Enduring Flame had probably put up a protection for himself, leaving us young kids to gain some worldly experience. Fucker.

“Oh, No. Fellow Alchemist Icy Lotus,” Noxious Fangstrike said while clutching his nose. The other cultivators in his group glared at her exaggeratedly while holding handkerchiefs to their face. “You should see a physician about that. The condition of your bowels has to be rotten.”

“Don’t hold me back,” Icy Lotus said. “I’m going to kill him!”

Suddenly, the stench became worse.

The unorthodox group gasped and suddenly turned their shocked and upset gazes to the Leashed Claws Sect as if the worsened smell came from them.

Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike smirked at their leader. “You as well Fellow Alchemist Iron Fang. Have you both been eating the same meal during your conjugal meetings? Oh wait, you two aren’t married, are you?”

Alchemist Iron Fang’s face turned red from suppressed rage. Then he coughed up a mouthful of blood.

“Senior Alchemist!” The only girl in the group grabbed his arm and helped him stay standing. But tears ran down her face from how awful the smell was.

“Fellow Alchemist Hawthorn!” Icy Lotus yelled. Then she turned to glare at Noxious’s handsome face. “You’re not fooling anyone here. Everyone knows your body is the one with the special… condition.”

Wait, a guy that pretty produced a stench this awful?! What the fuck?

At this point, I didn’t give a shit who made this stink. This was chemical warfare. This stench was worse than Old Smokey’s. It beat out chicken that had been microwaved for ten minutes and morphed into black sludge. The filthy fart lingered like an immortal’s curse and caused even my eyes to water.

It had to die!

I cast my cleaning technique in a wide area. The surrounding cultivators turned visibly cleaner as the spell extended out.

“Hey!”

“Rude!” someone yelled. “Oh! Wow! That noxious scent is gone!”

“There’s no way a simple cleaning technique can get rid of a scented weapon like that… Oh! It worked.”

Finally, I could breathe. And so could the surrounding crowd.

My technique even reached the Nascent Soul cultivators from those three arguing sects. Their faces became pink and refreshed like they’d recently scrubbed them.

But the smell was gone! And that was the important part.

My work done, I turned back around to see everyone in my group staring at me in horror. Apparently, I’d even gotten Little Enduring Flame. But that was on him. He could have stopped my technique if he didn’t want to be clean.

“You can all thank me now.”

“Thank you, Senior Lin!” they all said.

I nodded in satisfaction.

Then I turned, expecting thanks from the three sects, only to see Alchemist Noxious Fangstrike glaring at me. Actually, all the unorthodox cultivators narrowed their eyes at me like I’d just made them my enemy.

The fuck did I do?

I crossed my arms behind my back so I appeared to be the little master I was. “What? Do you have something to say to a Senior of the Indomitable Will sect?”

“How could you use a cleaning technique on us without our permission?”

The gall of these people! Fuck. I’d expect this amount of shamelessness from a Xianxia Protagonist… Little Spring excluded.

“If you want to have your skin peeled off by my cleaning technique, then continue to inflict that smell on my sect’s disciples.”

“This is bullying!” Lion Ears cried fake tears and rested her hand against Noxious Fangstrike’s shoulder. “We’re being bullied by the strongest sect on the central continent. As powerful as they are, they must know that our poor beautiful senior here has a condition.”

“It’s not his fault.” Panda Guy said dramatically. “When he feels threatened, his condition acts up. And those two were being too much. You all saw it.”

Alchemist Noxious looked away as if he were pretending to be strong when he’d been hurt emotionally. His gold eyes even glittered as if he were holding back tears. With his seductive face added to the mix, their crying was very effective to the women in the surrounding sects...

The three Golden Core girls glared at the guy. They may dislike me, but they were still my juniors. The Indomitable Will Sect always had each other’s backs.

“Our senior merely fought back the only way he could!” Lion Ears said dramatically.

Fuck. I couldn’t deal with this group.

Their acting was as stinky as that guy’s condition.

The worst part was, the other cultivators focused their judgmental gazes on us. Likely using any excuse to think poorly about a sect at the top of the world.

Little Spring looked like he was about to say something and step in, but the line finally moved. Whatever technical issues they’d had up front had been solved.

We quickly scrambled to close the gap between us and the other sects.

::Hey, I guess that saying is wrong, huh? Bad things do happen at the Alchemy Convention.::

This fucking brat. ::First of all, we’re not technically in the convention yet. And secondly, nothing bad happened.::

::I’d say, getting attacked with a terrible smell was awful.::

Had I been too soft on this kid? I could have sworn I put him through a couple months of hell training over the past year. ::Do you have all your limbs?::

::Yes?::

::Has your mind been damaged in any way?::

::Does wanting to throw up when I look at that Senior Alchemist count?::

::No.::

He scowled. ::Then, no.::

::Have you lost all your spirit stones and your capacity to make more?::

::Of course not!::

::Then trust me when I say that nothing bad has happened… But it was gross as fuck, so let’s avoid those unorthodox motherfuckers.::

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Author’s Note: Thank you all for reading! You are the best readers a writer could ask for! This part, after editing, is around 2500 words. Also, Past Dragon is an asshole. 😎

I’m not entirely happy with the edits, but I’m done. It’s been a rough week and I still haven’t finished story 9. (T.T)

I’m about halfway through it with 10,000 words written in the rough draft. I am taking my time with this story to make it as funny as possible, but I’m getting my ass kicked by sleep deprivation. My son waking up an hour earlier has ruined what had been my normal sleep/writing schedule. I’ll need to go to sleep an hour earlier that I used to, which will take up an hour I would have had to write and edit (because he’s not going to bed any sooner 😭).

Once I’m finished with Story 9 I’m going to write chapters for Tanking Hits. I’d like to post them on Patreon first so I can have a backlog for Royal Road. That said, I think getting emails for chapters of a story you don’t want to follow might be frustrating, so I’m not sure how I’ll incorporate it into my Patreon just yet. I might create a separate tier for it. But that won’t be for a two weeks. I’d also have to create a TOC.