Getting Laid (Patreon)

The reception was empty, but the spicy Thai chicken really needed to go. If they wanted some coins on the way out I was more than happy to give them that. It’s weird how your needs become more urgent the closer to a toilet you are. I’ve walked past this huge gym, housed in a hangar looking building just next to the industrial area many times, but never been inside. I’m not much of a gym-goer, but with their locker rooms and showers they ought to have several stalls available for some much needed relief. With no one in the reception I hastily walked towards what I assumed to be the men’s locker room door, and once inside the empty room, quickly found what looked like the restroom door. 

The restroom was over designed with black tiles, red stalls and dim lighting. A couple of people were gathered in front of the mirror, chatting and posing. Although having no interest in sports or things like that, I did recognize the fittest of them that stood in center of their attention. He’s some sort of model or something that keeps popping up on different social media. David Lake or Lain or something. I tried to be modest and looked at his head instead of his insanely fit, exposed flesh.

“Hey, are you part of the sponsor delegation?” asked one of the guys. The combination of trespassing, being bad food flush, my ass about to explode, and seeing this David guy out of context made my mind just go blank. What should I answer? What was the question?

“That’s a nice hat.” I blurted out as a result of my brain mashing together the impulse of being polite with what was just in front of me. I immediately felt like an idiot.

“Really? Here, take it.” the David dude responded, took off his hat and put it on my head.

“Eh, thanks. I really have to…” I gestured towards one of the stalls, feeling both embarrassed of having been mistaken for a fan and dread of literally shitting my pants in front of him.

“Yeah, of course. See you out there for the presentation” and they left, while I hurried into the stall.

The proximity rule was still in effect, so once in the stall I barely touched the seat before liquid erupted with force. I could feel the chili too. The Japanese flag, one of my co-worker called it. The torrent draining my bowels didn’t last very long. While my stomach felt kind of OK, I was still feeling sweaty, perhaps feverish. One flush and the bowl was clean. I washed my hands, and then carefully left the building unseen the same path as I entered.

I was feeling bad all the way home, like I had come down with the flu. Everything was a cognitive blur, where I could grasp anything I focused on, but nothing came automatically. I was just following the normal route, did the normal motions, opened the door, removed the shoes and the crashed straight into bed for a nap. I would hope for a few hours, then perhaps something light to eat, sleep properly, and fingers crossed, tomorrow I would be back on my feet as if nothing had happened.

I was annoyed waking up by the sun shining in my face. Apparently I did not wake up to have dinner, undress, pull the curtains, or anything. My clothes didn’t sit well and my mouth was dry. I did feel great though, so no Thai chicken hangover. But as soon as I started to move I realized something else was wrong. My body was a completely different shape, longer and thinner and different. My trousers and shirt both fit loser, but were hilariously short for my new frame.

I rushed over to my wall mirror and my jaw almost dropped on the floor. It was recognizably me, though barely, given how much weight I’d lost. On second thought, with my new height I was probably the same weight as before. That would make physical sense at least, not that anything else did. I ripped off my ill fitting clothes and looked at myself naked, except for the hat.

The hat! Was that the reason this had happened to me? Would I turn back into a pumpkin if I removed it? I took a long look at my body, as I had never dared dream it would look like. Lithe, with a faint muscle definition. I ran my hands over the smooth skin, and it felt amazing. Warmer and tighter than before. I reached up and yanked the hat off my head. Nothing changed. I could feel the faint smell of sweat and cologne. Someone else’s sweat and cologne.

I was immediately relieved that the body didn’t revert. What was I thinking, removing the hat like that? If it did change back I would want to try out so many different things before letting go. But I was also feeling anxious about what would happen next. No clothes I own would fit, so I would have to call someone with an unusual, bordering awkward request. Would the body stay the same, or change again tomorrow? Change how?

I decided it was best to call in sick, and spend the day trying out the body, and see how it looks tomorrow. I think I’ll wait with new clothes until then, and keep the hat on to see if it has anything more to give. 

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