Grimsby (Patreon)

I probably do too much research. Some of it is easy to get right. What is the best route and fare from London to Grimsby, at what times etc. Some are much more tricky, like what brands feel like the correct ones for scally smokes and beers and cars etc. Most problematic is to get names and dialogue correct. For names for any chav story I make I typically go back to an old 2005 Daily Mail article on names feared by teachers. Stereotypes and not worthy of a newspaper, sure. Useful when creating stories. Of course. Stereotypes are bread and butter.

Boys:  Ashley, Chayse, Conor, Connor, Curtis, Damon, Declan, Dillon, Dylan, Dwayne, Grant, Jordan, Josh, Kade, Kane, Kieron, Kyle, Liam, Mason, Mitchell, Myles, Painton, Rhys, Reece, Ryan, Scott, Shane, Troy, Tyler, Wayne.

Girls:  Adrienne, Alanna, Ashleigh, Britney, Candice, Chantelle, Chelsie, Chelseigh, Chloe, Cindy, Courtney, Cortnee, Cortnie, Danielle, Jade, Jodie, Jordan, Kayleigh, Keeley, Keira, Kimberley, Kylie, Leanne, Leigh, Lou-Lou, Mia, Paige, Poppy, Stacey, Tyler.

For speech you can get a few lists of specific words, but to really get a good grip on sentences and context you need more text to extrapolate from. I'm not saying I'm good at it. It's some of the most tortuous parts of writing a story like this. At least I have found a source to go on. I've dug up the old comments section of the now defunct website chavscum.co.uk. It's impossible to know if these are writing sincerely, or just people pretending. Doesn't matter for my purpose.

From: Josh Pugh

ur a sad fucker aint u, dissin people like us, n how da fuck iz burberry for jippos wen it cost 45 quid for a fuckin polo shirt u prick, id fuckin twat u if i saw u m8, wtf iz da point in makin a site bout scallies so u cn dis em? dats jus pure sad need 2 go out side n get a life or a fuckin gf u sad twat

From: Waddupfoolno1

iight,
Jus 2 let all u's lot no dat chavs rule an dats a fact!!
Hueva made up dis shitty shit mus b such a fukin retarded looser, i mean cum on bt hu actually reads all da shit dat u 'chav' h8rs av 2 say, we dnt give a fuk wot u fink, n all i can say is dat chavs r ere 2 stay!!
oh yea n if u aint noticed dhers more 'chavs' den smelly grungers around so put it dis way - WE RULE!!
oh btw jus 2 let all u 'chavs' no dat r amazin name 'chav' stands 4 Council House Alcoholic Violence!
i rly culdnt give a fuk if u's al wana dis us cos 2 b honest wiv u, we r so much beta!
So wot if wer in2 r bling bling an phat clothes at least we dnt go rnd lookin lyk we jus rose from the dead!!
all i av 2 say is dat CHAVS R ERE 2 STAY, N IT'S ALWAYZ GNA B DAT WAY SO FUK U U SAD LIL FUKIN WANKERS!!!
nuff luv 2 all u 'chavs' out dher - respect n keep it up! -x-

 from da no1 chav gal

From: reice donnelly

you should change your site to chavsrule.com dick face! wats your fukin problem, aint you got any m8s ??? you probly cuss chavs coz u wanna be 1 and no groups will accept you coz ure gay.

From: leeanne hughes

every1 in this website can go n fuck! if they havnt bn 2 ireland n west belfast they have never met proper hoods! so dnt go bout hinkin yas r mad wen yas r pathetic!

From: rob sreeves

u fckin twat if i eva find out oo u r den ill bata u , ur a cunt wiv a small dic and watch ya bk cuz im lookin out 4 ya SKUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: LUSTYANN

who the fuck do u fink u r dissin us nd calling us scum there iz no point ya dick head go nd wank ya sell in fact burn in hell u fucking prick dont u dare call us scum u fucking wanker hope u die in hell

From: Jorgia Ayling

look ok you have some prob wiv us "chavs" but we are not all the same you just think we are so look stop talking shit ok.
im NOT puttin up wiv your crap and shit bout me my mates and my family life or any1's ok so giv up or as u call us "scum" will "get ya" like you put it and i know its not what u want but if your gona act like this sayin shit bout us then u will get wats coming wont ya if u do sumin like this then u have 2 pay for it we aint doenothin to u and if so only if u deserved it!
upset us and we'll track u down
u dont know whats comin to u we "chavs" know alot of people.
i wonder who u sleep atnight!
hope it hurts u as much as it will hurt when u get beats!
p.s. wtf omfg i cant believbe u fuckin cunt what the hell 50 cent aint a chav!

From: sophie freeman

no offence but how sad and pathetic is ur website and how sad and pathetic is ur life.i bet u sits in ur house all day n all nite makin ur gay fcukin website n then u get all ur stupid wanker gothy punk frends round n u all sit round ur pc and laugh 2g4 u sad losers!im not a "chav" im a mush!i lives
in swansea and i got an amazin mushy accent 2 go with my mushy clothes and my gold jewellery.i'd love u and ur sad gothy frends 2 chops 2 the "chavs" in swansea u'd sooooooo get ur head kicked in!wouldnt have the guts tho coz people lk u r afraid ov chavs coz they r harder than u coz ur all faggots!!!id rather wear a gold chain than have a stupid fcukin dog collar round my neck.so go and play with a knife u marilyn manson loving freak!MUSHES RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love ya loads chick sophie x x x

From: Jon Yuill

hey cock sucker, who u think u are making this website? whats ur prob with chavs u fuckin townie punk if i ever seen your face on the internet and see you in the street im afraid id have to kick the fuck out of you m8, so would us 'chav scums' you little sad cunt.

From: Grayfoxx5491

Yeah i tlkin to u, scum piles, Hah, doesnt feel nis 2 b cald stuff, innit? u betr watch wt u sai on yr website pal, I hav sum strong frenz hu cud hunt u dwn n br8k al ur fingaz, bitch! hah. Luk here - u gta be sum sad shit to diss me n ma homies 4 no reesin, i meen, thtz so unwicked, jiggy wif it pal. U got 2 finc aboout ur site bcuz its total shit, I finc u r the scum, nt me n mi chav breverin, so shutup, cuz im better thn u and i always will be and you know it. I H8 H8 H8 H8 U! IF I EVR FIND OUT HU U R, THEN IM GUNNR HUNTU. O N GES WOT, I WATCHED THAT CHAV THING ON SKY 1 ONCE AND U WERE ON IT BUT U CENSORED UR FACE SO WE CANT BRING YOU TO JUSTIS YOU PUSSIE. JUST CUZ WE R RIGHTOUIS AND PLAY IT FAIR, U THINK U CAN TAKE US DOWN CUZ U CANT DEAL WITH IT. JESUS U SAD JIGGER BUILT BREAKING bARMIER. YE U DNT UNDR STND CUZ OUR MOUTH TONES R 2 JIGGIE FOR U. SO HERES A "FUCK U" FROM ME N ALL MY M8S:

ME
SHELZ
MRKIE
SPRK
MICH'
KIZ
BRIT
STELLA
BARB
CHAR
ROB
MAT
KEV
K8
BIG J
DJ-SCALLIES
and
BRIM-BRIM

SO WATCH OUT BECAUSE WE HAVE SAFETIES IN THE NUMBER SO GET DOWN WITH IT OLD MAN.

From: jamie t

u is a fuckin aswipe i am a cahv i wud fuckin kick ur stupid fuckin ass i bet ur a lonley old mothere fucker wid nutin betta to do than hav a wank u fukin prick hope to hear frm u asshole

From: Smithsp5

i cant belive u ur a sad geek makin this website wot gives u the power to call us scum u wanker how dare u if i new hew u were ud ave a fukin nife stuk up ur ass side ways u lil fannie u betta hope to god u dont c me in a dark ally
  anonomous

p.s i no hew u are!!!

From: tasha

look fatty,
im 15 with bleach blonde hair, i lost my virginity when i was 12 and ive slept wiv 12 ppl. so sue me? im proud of my record nd i fink that some 40 yr old that spends thier tym dissin 15 yr olds on a website has some serious finkin 2 do cos u obviously wasted ur life. u fuckin grunger twats y dnt u get ur own lives rather than obsessin ova ppl who actually have em. so u can shove my fake gold earings up ur ass dikead

From: Wigan Pier Head

How much of an arse are you? So what if we like wearing loads of jewellery, who gives a fuck? At least Gold jewellery is better than all that spiky dog collar bollocks. An just because you‚re a little shit who probably got battered as a younger child by your local group of „Chavs" you have got a problem with all of us. By the way if you did get battered as a kid then you probably deserved it, and if I would have been there I think that I would have given you a good fucking whack just for being a cock end. Why don‚t you just crawl back up that dirty fucking whore‚s hole that you call a mum and die! I really do hope you die really painfully and slowly. I hope all of your family burn as well.
Any way thanks for your time
See you round.

From: oliver

Hi my name is oliver and I fink u r a fukin nonce and should get a life before its time out coz r lot will find u, u‚ll hav every chav in east London after u so do us a faver and fuk of.
Hav a good day wanker

From: Drifto04

aight.
whoever made this side about us "chavs", "scum" or anythin else u like 2 label us as..u r a fucking socially retarded mongel. It must of taken u a long time 2 put this site 2gether and get a group of little followers 2 critise people of a "chavey" culture. i imagine u all to be little computer nerds who live in a shitty 1 bedroom flat, with a job stackin shelves in netto's at night, and spend all day on ur computer coz u simply have no freinds or life. i am az wat i suppose wat u would call a "chavette" yea so and wat. most of wat iz on ur site is wank. and i'd like 2 see any of u nerds stand up 2 a chav, u'd get the shit kiked out of u. (even thou i dunt fink fightin iz rite ) ur all a bunch of spunk bubbles so fuk ya all

From: angie j

look cock i may wear my von dutch cap (cost me £45 for your information) i may wear my burberry clothes and i may wear my gold bling bling, but this shit dont come cheap so sayin "chavs" are lower class jus aint fair. I dnt spend my money on clothes from new look or nice shops like that, i is a real girl who buys of real peeps in da market and i aint scared to admit that.
But wen i do av money i spend on the top quality shit like my burberry, my von dutch and my elizabeth duke so fuck you.

From: GoRgUsGuRlY

wtf? i cnt belive sum1 cn b so sad as to fukin make dis shit site bout "chavs".......ur lifes rly dat fukin sad? wtf "chav" mean neways....it rlly fukin annoys me wen i get called a "chav" by fukin stinkin arse likin grungers jus coz of da gold jewellery i wer....y da fuk dus it mata wot we wer n wot we drive? it dnt make no difference to u? dus it?! but u jus fukin decided to make dis shity site bout dem.......n wer did u get dem pics frm of peeps neways? u got spys every wer takin pics of "chavs" to put on ere or sumfink....u prob av..coz if u sad enuff to make a web site bout "chavs" den u sad enuff to do dat!!!!

n also i dnt get y u put all celebs on ere sayin dey "chavs" n shit wen dey fukin aint coz der no such fin as a "chav" it jus sum fukin name dat grungers given to people hu diff to YOU!  a fukin old man wiv no life!!!!!   u sayin wayne rooney a "chav" jus coz e a scouser!!!!! fukin perthetic!!!!! god i got so much more to say but cnt b arsed to type it....waste of fukin tym!!!!! lo life fukin loser!!!!!!!

lokin forward to herin frm u!!!!

From: MissB1TC4

oi boi i swear rite idf i saw u dan da street i wud mes u up jus cos we chavs yer it dnt giv u da rite 2 slag us off wots up wid ya u u gt beatin up by us r sumit or r ua jelous we r wot we r yer u get me so shut ur fukin mouth luv canterbury gal

From: sammi

ur site blaitantly sux arse tru and propa u gt beefz wit all chav manz tis not rite sort it out u silly fat sad low life internet fuck next time i c sum1 not nown as a chav ima kick ten barrels of shit outta dem just 4 U aint u gt nethin else betta to do dan sit der finkin u lot know wat chavs do, say and  want ?i c u kept ya mouthZ shut tite and identity sealed on sky ones,"CHAVS" dat was on a while ago u lot fuckin suck arse u sill gay twats get sum more ideas stop da discriminating and get a life u silly mother fuckerZ suck out u fuckin smack head prickZ fuck u all u dirty cunts!  standardSTOP CHATTIN YA SHIT MANZ U GT IT WRONG AND YA MAKIN PRICKZ OUTTA YASELFZ

From: ChrsSalw

k jus coz we chavs....dress a sertain way an got attitude dnt mean u can dis uz lyk dat..jus tight az man, we iz da same az ova peeps out in da st , y dnt ya rip it outta goffs or sk8az dere da 1's wid no class,we wear da decent shit 4 christ sak,fink ya stooped lil low on dis 1 m8,specially 2 do a site bout uz,wot ova peeps bn sayin bout u iz tru,ya retarded an probs fat an ugle an still livin at home,tink ya shuld brav up 2 puttin a pic ov ya self on ya own website show ya face go on!

From: RjnBoris

YOU MUST AVA OBSESSION WID US CUS U MAKE A WEBSITE DISSIN US, SO U MUST B CURIOUS ABOUT US, WE AINT ALL DICKS LIKE U

From: Karl D

thers nothing better than a cheap slag in a belt as a skirt for a quik shag even better wen ye give them a kid or two. fuckin sluts

From: Harp

i hate chavs to mate. but i also hate goths (which u are). so why dont u goths and chavs suck each others cock and resecpt the trendy/ mosher. from Harp plus nice site but ur maing urself look like a little shit by making fun of chavs (u little goth shit).

From: hb50bx

U cock sucker I know how to bring doub ur site change ur ways or I wil bring u down

From: Emma B

To: da biggest cunt in da world,

wot is ur problem wif chavs?! it ent lyk u r disin other ppl. wen ya guna strt on @ da sk8rs n goths n all da other ppl hu dnt dress lyk U? u av issues. u seriously need 2 get ur life in order n stop mouthin of bout chavs.... m8 if ur guna act lyk a dick u mite as well stick a condom ovr ur hed n look lyk 1 2 (no joke)

up urs prick

:-)

From: Anne (again)

we ent peasents we ent livin in the 5th century mate lol u retard ppl like u make me laf how rich is u anywayz i await ur email deiselstar

From: Anne

Hey basically, i dont think it has got through to you that we do not care what u call us, we do not care what you tell everybody about us.We would care more if you walk up to what you may call 'scum' in the street and told us that we are tramps and told us that you hate us an maybe you will be luky enought to wake up from that coma ;) cheers

 Deiselstar

From: Cold1410

you think your funny huuu? what's the problem did you get bullied as a kid? by chav's? your a fucking cock m8 if i ever seen your face on the net and see you in the street im affraid id have to kick the fuck out of you.Who do you think  you are you arrogant wanker? you think your superior to us? this is how you try to offend the younger genoration by uilding a website coz your cant say your shit to a chav's face prolly coz you get your fucking face smashed in.

From: Kim

what da FUCKS u chattin man IM A FUKIN CHAV AND U LOT ARE THE SADDEST FUKIN WIERDOS N SADACTS TO ACTUALLY MAKE A FUKIN SITE A BOUT IT U SCUM!!! U TRHINK WERE THE ONES WIYH THE PROBVLEM UR THE FUKIN CUNTISH STIGGY FUKIN TRAMPS AT LEAST WE AV STYLE U GET ME AL U LOT NO TO DO IS TO SHAG UR NANS AND U CANT EVEN DO THAT!!! AND U AINT GOT STYLE AT LEAST WE TAKE CARE OF OURSELFS AND DONT FUKIN SHOP

AT FUKIN OXFAM U DIRTY SCUMMY MOTHERS CUNT , ID LIKE U TO SAY IT TO A CHAVS FACE ALL OFF U AND THEN SEE WHO ENDS UP WITH A KNIFE UP THEIR ASS......

From: 03ClarkeK

u are twats u probly fat twats with no lives and still live at home

From: Missy4252

ok..i thort it wos funi until u dissed 50 cent. im sorry but he is way 2 sexy 2 be made fun of. gosh..dont u know good music

From: chris m

oi wat the fuck u on bout u fuckin sayin dat gangsters are chavz, chavz wear burberry hatss trakies with them tucked into there soxks and there hat half way off there head.

From: RunWild3000

Hi, I'm a 'Chav' as you like to call us. There is nothing wrong with what we wear or choose to look like. It's a statement, a bit like skater wear, or goth/grunger/punk whatever. It's petty and quite hurtful to pick someone apart by what they wear or look like. I'm from a well off hard working backround and I'm a 'Chav' so it does'nt mean that every 'Chav' under the sun is a Gip or Pikey. I do agree that to much Jewllery is tacky. But can I just ask you, take a look at yourself before you turn your nose up at other people ( basically get your fuckin' head which is so far rammed up your ponsy arse out and have a good look around)

ThankYou,

>From Da,

Ringleader of the Petridge Gals Crew.

P.S : WE ALL FINK YOUR A FUCKING CUNT AND SHOOD ROT IN DA DEEPEST PIT OF HELL FOREVER.

From: David R

Hi i just wanted to say that i find your "Chavscum" website highly amusing. Not, however because i dislike chavs but because you pair of sad old bastards (you and your saggy old moose of a missus, if you want to call chavs names then i'll call you names too) have taken it upon yourselves to create this "definitive guide to chavs" website. Firstly, how dare you criticise a trend or culture that you, or your saggy old slapper of a wife have never been a part of. I'll tell you why you dare: because you are scared of something you dont know. I have taken much offence to your website and find it ridiculous that you think you can label people that you dont even know how you do. I own around £2000 worth of gold jewellery, I drive a 2002 Vauxhall Corsa which cost me £7000 from brand new and yes it is modified, but my car isnt modified to impress all my "chavvy" mates, it is modified because i take it to shows, cruises and events as it is my hobby, I own a Burberry coat that is worth £400. Wheres your £400 coat? Just to let you know before you categorise me, i work full time for Holiday Inn and earn enough money for me to own what i own and i am only 20, i dont go robbing people or sticking banks up or whatever else you pair of twats think us "chavs" get up to, i earn an honest living so fuck you and your website cos you are full of shit and so are the rest of you stuck up, brown nosed, excuses for humans who think what you think. I await your response eagerly you mardy old cabbage.

From: Carld0129

you are completly wrong we dont buy alloys then bodykit then bonnets and exhausts even a complete retard knows that you go choons allys exhausts lowering springs the kit then engin mods

From: Salesmoominuk

wot a sad cunt u n y wife must be

From: Meady

you a twat for calling moyles a chav this man is a top bloke you muppets get a fucking life of your own.    Meady

From: KONNADE

ere ther is no point in you people callin our chav crew we are proad to be who we are and if you cant take that then you goin g to have to live with it . if you havent got nowt to say nice dont say nowt at ll. im a chav nd im proad its who i am and it what makes me remember we dont go complaining about you or what you look like some of yus cant afford somthing nice to wear like you can and we have caused our selves to get habbits to things we shouldnt but i think you should keep this in mind we are human aswel we aint SHIT because thats what it sound like you are trying to make us to be

From: festering_anal_monkey

Dear Bstard,

I am not a chav, nor ever feel that i want to contemplate being one!! Bstard. Who died and gave you WebSpace monkey fcker? Chavs CUM . com all over your mama's best friends cat (cnt). So, I wonder to myself just how long you spent creating this piece of sht that your calling a website? 10-11 years? I bet you did whilst msturbating over dyslexic German schiezen animal prn, you sick homphobic, arrogant, metrosxual, cnt licking, cck rubbing, knob gobbling, dldo loving, animal protesting BSTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours truly,

Festering Anal Monkey (AKA Kate) ook ook x x x

P.S. I'm hitting on you, Saturday Hyde Park at 7 p.m. (fancy a shg?) You up for it ;)

P.P.S. If you could come over with a spoon it would be very helpful as my right tit is lodged between the fridge and photocopier.

From: Shalical2

im am s chaver or as a geek like u would call it a chav we r a amazing and a trap like u is sick we hav all da sexy girls and we got it easy expensive clothes cause we can affored them later scum bag