The Performance Review (Patreon)

So I did a bit of digging in old conversation logs.

I was talking with realhankmccoy in the tumblr chat when he suggested a collab. Since I like his material enough to have done a rewrite of a few of his stories, I already knew that there were areas we both liked to explore. We pretty quickly settled on forced or accidental muscle growth. We didn't want it to be too fantastical. There would probably be magic or scifi, but we wanted to at least try to get the mechanics, motivations and emotions feel real. Without doing a 6 month gym montage.

Realhank started by selecting the photo. In my experience it is often easiest to nail down as many things as possible early, so you don't get overwhelmed by possibilities. If something turns out to not work you can remove it later, but start by accepting limitations.

My reaction to the photo was to try to figure out why he was in an office setting, and if he even was aware of how he looked and was dressed. Perhaps he fucked up at work and did this to himself, and is frantically trying to solve it, or he was transformed by someone at work, like the boss or a co-worker. A cliché would be a co-worker wanting to get rid of the competition near a performance review, or his boss looking for eye candy.

josh: Have to figure out where the shorts came from... I guess he could have gone to the gym over lunch

hank: or forced to wear them / taken by his coworker to the gym. transformed there, even, in the shower room

josh: Right, so the story starts with him and the co-worker in the gym. We can establish the performance review and the rivalry right away. "Hey Mr. Spreadsheet, are you all pumped for the performance review?" I can imagine some sort of dick measuring contest at the gym. Number of reps or something. Our guy beats the other guy.

hank: perfect. sketch it out as you'd please and shoot my way. I'll flesh it out. It'll be hot. or give it your best and i'll just improve it to the best of my ability.

josh: There is friendly banter all throughout, but with a streak of competition. The co-worker admits to defeat, and offers our guy some post-workout thing. bar, drink whatever. It should be established that the gym is in the office building.

hank: sounds good

josh: Shortly after he blacks out (perhaps not even written explicitly) and he wakes up in the shower or whatever. Somewhere he could plausibly have transformed out of sight.

hank: that's hot. i love confused awakenings

josh: So that takes us to him being in the office building looking like that and having workout shorts. Nothing else fit his body. It might even be evening or night, looking at the blinders in the photo. The rest of it is the "usual" discovery of how different he is and why he will not have an office job ever again.

hank: sounds good. yeah. dumb as fuck, unwilling and failing to concentrate.

josh: Yes, it would be good to put some extra work in that part so it isn't completely cliché. Try to work out some new ways the mind is slipping.

hank: sounds like u got a great grip on it. this should be a hot one.

josh: In the photo we can see that he is writing on the pad instead of using the computer. He failed to enter the correct password three times I guess.

hank: haha

I wrote an introduction up until the transformation (which is now lost), sent it to realhank, who reworked it and sent this back.

I was in the company gym, something I was loathe to do.  I’m a slim guy, if not quite dorky or nerdy, and I’m rather work-oriented.  Yet our firm had a fitness initiative, you see, and who would I have the luck to end up partnered with but Alan fucking Brown.

I hate Alan’s guts.  I have no idea how he managed to climb this high in the company. They say people are promoted until they reach their level of incompetence, and Alan must be positive proof that you can go even further than that. It’s upsetting that we have to go toe to toe in some bullshit senior analyst evaluation, too.  I’m clearly the most competent candidate.  I can’t think of a single thing he has done better than me.

“Hey, Mr. Spreadsheet,” Alan starts in on me with.  “You must be pretty confident for the review tomorrow.”

I roll my eyes and don’t even care if he sees.  “Hey Alan. I thought perhaps you wanted to drop the attitude for once.  After all, I’m not the one who clicked ‘Replay All’ this week.”

“It was only a problem since people actually read what I send them,” Alan goes.

“Oh yeah right.  Like anyone cares,” I say.

“Hey skinny, how about a little competition right here and now?” he goes, smiling his cocky smirk at me.

“Like what, Alan?  I’m just here to get my minutes in.”

“Don’t try that excuse. I’ve seen what you can do. Let’s to back squats, bar only. See who can do the most.”

“Well… OK, you’re on.”

I smashed him at it. He still doesn’t have anything over me. I don’t even think it was an unfair competition. Did he hold back?  Maybe.  It was hard not to think so. I was quite a bit taller, but Alan was almost athletic in form.

“Man, I’ll be sore tomorrow,” he said.  “Was that your plan to beat me tomorrow?”

“I don’t think I’ll need any help, Alan. Best of luck though.”

“No need, but thanks. Hey, you want a can of recovery drink? I got one too many.”

“Sure.  Thanks.”

It was a quite ordinary can with the brand “RECOVER” on it, all the usual slick, energetic fonts touting the post-workout benefits. I think sports drinks are almost always a load of crap, but I was thirsty and this was as good as anything, you know?  I was showing off when I started to feel almost faint, lightheaded, and I also felt like I was going to puke.  I stumbled into the toilet and closed a stall door behind me.  I almost wanted to gag myself before I puked on my own just to get it over with.  But I thought, nah, give it a few minutes, maybe this will pass. Five minutes of dry-heaving and then… everything started to come up.

hank: i took plenty of liberties, hope you aren't the easily-offended sort. what i was thinking would be hot is maybe he hulks out as he pukes and passes out like that, forgetting that he even hulked out for a bit but remembering it pretty fast as he's even bigger now. not sure when the stupidity onsets... maybe not at first. maybe in front of the mirror while he's jacking it (to his own horror) even.

josh: The thing with being stupid is that you don't know it

hank: so that he thinks the new bod is something he could get used to until he starts to turn dumb from it. nice yeah that's hot that he doesn't even start to realize he's dumbing down.

josh: You can perhaps compare it with things you used to be able to do.

hank: tried to work with your desires in mind for believability, etc.

josh: First paragraph needs to be a little less obvious set up. I think it is exciting to see how people want to retell or edit a story. It's like "Oh, THAT's your kink." or "I can't believe you think that is better" or "shit, that's hot. Why didn't I do that from the start."

hank: not so worried about a lot of revisions, figure if you finish off the 2nd part skeleton and i flesh that out we're good to go.  with the pic right there we'll want to give folks an idea that it doesn't start out Muscle Man or they'll think that by mistake

josh: Since we describe his reaction to the transformation it will be obvious that he wasn't Mister Universe to begin with. We don't need to under-sell him. I try to avoid doing pre-descirptions so people can project themselves. Usually avoid naming the protagonist as well. So you want me to write the next part as well?

hank: yes please. i could maybe tone down the intro a little.

josh: When possible I try to enter late and cut early, as they say in screen writing.

hank: if ur draft is good to where you've written so far i can get started even if you're not finishd.

josh: Well, right now it's just a straigt line. But you can have a look.

hank: perfect.  i'll work on buffing up everything you got to hunting for floor 12

At this point the draft ended with him taking the elevator from the gym to his office floor.

josh: Yeah, I'm not sure if there was anything else he needs to do in the gym, but we'll sort it. The problem is to slowly show he is an idiot without anyone to talk to.

hank: yeah. to do it in a subtle way so that the reader doesn't catch on right at first.

josh: I'm not sure what a natural end point for the story is.

hank: i think you had a great one before, him struggling with his passwords even and getting angry. irrational thoughts (certainly not enacted) of slamming down the keyboard.

josh: Oh, I have that.

hank: maybe calling Alan over and having Alan laugh at him and feel him up. call him stupid and a dumbfuck. he could even turn the tables and rape Alan or take him by the neck and demand he show him the drink and force Alan to guzzle it.

josh: Let's say I went in very different direction. Don't know if we want to keep it.

In this version of the draft it ended in the office. I'm not entirely sure on how, but I think he ultimately ran into a security guard.

hank: i'm thinking let's do my twist ending -- BUT let's keep some of the parts about him still thinking he's a brilliant manager.

i do like this police state sort twist end but it almost seems like something that would be hot if spun off into a separate story completely. that's what i really think lights up what you wrote here -- the technical stuff about him still thinking he's a bright winner.

josh: Chernobyl class of confidence. The big thing missing is that we're not sure what his objective is. How would he fix things.

hank: hmm i'm not sure... maybe he even wants to tattle on Alan but can't. this is really fun man.

josh: YES! Callback. He wants to do a "Send all" with email. But can't log in. So, he'll write a note and xerox it. At least that is his goal. Of course he can't formulate anything better than "fucking alan sux".

hank: workin on it still, i'm up to only the ballcap (and backpack) would still fit

At this point we are working in the same Google docs document, so the chat is harder to follow since it references what we are doing in the document.

hank: basically i just staved off his dumbness and attraction to Alan a lot longer and it's his erection that starts to make the stupidity really kick in. i wrote a 5pt plot point.  let's make this one third and final. the one part i haven't quite sorted out yet is what Alan had in mind when things go wrong for Alan (our unnamed narrator in his growing stupidity still manages to drive to Alan's home to confront him). so maybe u can figure that out or maybe it's not needed.

josh: It needs to be compressed a bit. There is some redundancy going on. Is the goal now that he finds Alan's address, goes there and literally fucks him?

hank: exactly. agreed about some compression. but some of the redundancy is intentional. like he's supposed to be thinking the same things over and again but in slightly dumber ways as his mind... barely... starts to devolve. i caught your line about the three thoughts circling around repetiively and thought. why not just do that in print so it has a more visceral effect.

josh: We just have to make sure it is he who appears unfocused and not the authors.

hank: i used a lot of *I* with him as narrator. it's the unreliable narrator trope a bit too but not much as that really confuses people.

josh: There is no need to specify floor 12 if he is going directly there...

hank: i wanted him to have to be conscientious about something stupid like pressing a button sharp he wouldn't have to think at all.

josh: Surely Alan would have thought of a way to handle him if he went to Alan's house?

hank: i'm not sure, maybe you can figure that part out, or maybe Alan wants him there

josh: The plan can be to go there, but I could someone get distracted on the way there, if he is deteriorating

hank: and wants to get fucked

josh: That kind of throws out the entire notion about him wanting to get a promotion...

hank: no, in america you would want to have sex and get promoted both. it's almost a cliche really. lots of stories have the office rival end up losing the job and getting fucked. i've read some hot stories. the rival cums in the other rival's mouth before the interview and makes him go to the interview with cum on his breath.

josh: Well, presumably there is a boss somewhere too

hank: yes.  i was toying with notions of having him think of his boss... but decided it's hotter, the hot shot competition between just him and Alan. prob u can figure out what's best and what alan's plan was and how it goes wrong. definitely should end with alan forced to drink a can.  the thought of two of them... wonder if anyone will request a sequel

josh: It would need some rework, but I would much rather have Alan's office prepped in some way, so that the reader knows Alan will be transformed right before the review or after the promotion.

hank: that would make a good other story. having to face the boss that way. i like this as is, we should just finish it rather than rework it to death. would be very hot to see him go into his review as a musclebound, shirtless dumbass and try to present it that way.

josh: Let's assume the sport drink to be very potent. Then we could have him end up transformed but with a good amount of liquid left in the can. He would then be able to pour that somewhere else. Coffee machine etc. I can't think of a super obvious way of getting that specifically targeted at Alan.

hank: good in a different story. let's just have him go to Alan's house. car scene would be hot.

1.deals with weird homosexual thoughts as mind starts to devolve

2.finds alan has locked his computer and then locks himself out by accident as he’s getting dumber

3.  feels stupid as fuck but tears up alan’s office just a tad to find his home address

4. drives there getting stupid as fuck playing stupid music

5. rips alan out of his clothes basically molestts / plays with his body

6. ends with asking him to show him the can so he can cure this and then forcing alan to drink it

write out those and i'll fill it in and boom, we've got an awesome story. i just can't think of what alan had planned so need you to think of that. if it needs to be mentioned at all, it doesn't necessarily have to.

Here I was still clinging to the notion that the protagonist should use leftover from the can he got earlier to transform Alan.

josh: So I just changed a sentence when he is drinking the sport drink, so he leaves half the can. He now has something he can bring with him to Alan. Alan is surprised to see him, as his plan was for the entire drink to be consumed at once. He would expect Mr. Spreadsheet to be gogo-dancing in a gay cage at this point. This of course makes the entire office thing a detour and we could just as well just take any other gym selfie as photo instead...

hank: the complexity and multiple scenes are what make it good. there's no need to edit this to death. Alan will have more than one can of this stuff at home.

josh: But if he doesn't know where Alan lives it sets up a reason to go to the office. He goes to the office to find the address, drives with the can to Alans house. Mentally declining all the way. And once there it is basically open for any action. I'm hesitant because if I write according to the outline you gave it doubles the length of the story.

hank: there just did three. it's unwieldy and off the rails but that's hot. could use more stupidity and sex near the end maybe.  i could add some.

josh: I still think the Alan encouter needs to be tweaked. He shouldn't really be trying to frighten Alan at that point.

hank: i liked that you had him frighten Alan, it was hot. i think we should leave it.

josh: I think he should scare Alan, but by being misunderstood, but by abuse. From his point of view he is trying to trick Alan.

hank: i think we're good