Massive Douche (Patreon)

“I am not a douche!” I shouted, furious at Annette for calling me that. “You’re a fucking massive douche, it’s just that most people don’t see it”, she shouted back at me. “By this time tomorrow it will be pretty obvious to everyone. You and I are done!”. She was storming towards the front door. “What does that mean?! What are you going to do?  Answer me!” I followed her, but she was already halfway down the stairs. “I hope you enjoyed your Mountain Dew!” she shouted back. “What did you do? What does that have to do with anything? Annie! ANNIE!”

Half an hour later I could feel my guts churning. I first thought she had put laxatives in the soda, but the feeling subsided and became more of a general sickness and nausea. By around 10 pm I was sweating up a storm and my body was aching all over. I don’t think Annette would lethally poison me, and I desperately wanted to avoid calling her. Instead I prepared with a barf bucket, bottles of water, some sweet and salty snacks, towels. I stripped and went to bed, ready to ride out the Curse of the Crazy Ex.

I had barely lied down when things kicked into high gear and I started getting muscle contractions and cramps all over. The pain was bearable, but there were too many things happening at the same time to focus on any one of them. I could feel muscles tensing and relaxing, like the entire body was flashing out of sync. I don’t know how long it lasted, but once it was over I was completely spent. I lied still for probably an hour, both out of exhaustion and to wait out the last flickers of spasms.

When I did manage to get up and stagger to the bathroom to have a look in the mirror it was already past 3 am. Looking back from the mirror was an almost unrecognizable muscle hunk. Wide chest, smooth abs, pumped biceps, meticulously tanned, waxed and groomed. It was a body that screamed vanity and a face of smug, self-centered arrogance. The face was still recognizable as old me, barely, but now said “I’ll fuck you and forget your name” before I could open my mouth. She was right that everyone would see a massive douche. No one would ever trust me enough to lend me a pencil from now on.

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