CDN Art: 2021 and 2022 (Patreon)

It's no surprise 2020 didn't get a folder with all that was going on that year. 2021 was just as bad since my mom passed and having to cope and adjust to it all. I only did one piece of art for CDN that year. Like, I did other art, as the rest of my gallery here can tell you but when it came to the forum I was fighting against the idea of quitting. I kept saying "give it one more chance" so I would make threads, try to post ol art in the VL and I made MORE characters (but I won't say who!)

There were days when I thought I was making a difference. People would pop in to interact but it never lasted too long. I don't know how to explain it and I dont want to sound like I'm being mean. But the best way I can describe it was it was more about reacting, and not conversation. 

And there were only a small number of people who would join me in conversations so I would banter with them the most. We thought we could encourage more members to post because we were posting. But this is where it hit me hard. I got more critiques from people that I was too exclusive. Because I was only posting with these specific people it gave me an air of superiority. Another critique was about how I drew krogan related art they had an impression I didn't (or couldn't) do anything else. 

Little did they know how many non-krogan I played on the boards and bantered with them >> <<

But really hurt my feelings. As I look back on all the work I did; drawing free art for people, eager to make friends with characters and their players, only to find out that this was seen negatively. I was intimidating, unreachable, I was part of some inner circle that no one could enter into. When I spent two of those years trying to get into other people's groups. I even hosted a contest where I gave FREE art in exchange for posts.

I had this paranoid feeling people didn't like me. That my art and world building were annoying. And finding this out and being confirmed by other members' experiences made me break down and cry because it felt like it proved my suspicions true. And it's why I had to leave. How can I be part of a community that dislikes me? Or at least has given the impression they do? I left a message on the forum focusing on the good the site gave me. But I am a little mad. I think I'm allowed to be a little mad.

It sucks. 

I don't like that my experience on the forums ended like this but I can't make people like me. If those are the opinions they want to have it's their prerogative. I have to move on for the sake of my own mental well being. I don't know if the people who gave me their critiques/opinions are still active. I haven't seen them on the boards but it's also a reason I never joined the community discord. I don't think I could stand going through another level of anxiety if they were there haha.

I hate ending this on a sad note but thanks for taking this journey with me. And there are a few patrons here who are from CDN too. Thank YOU for being part of the memories that were good <3