A Second Chance at Death Ch. 5 (Hazbin x-over) (Patreon)

The taps at the door remained persistent. Angel Dust groaned from his spot on the sofa. He reached around blindly on the floor until he found an empty bottle, heaving it back and tossing it at the door in hopes that whoever was on the other side got the message.

His aim was way off. The bottle sailed wide, crashing through one of the stained glass windows.

“You know you'll have to pay for that.” Husk said from his spot at the bar, where he was diligently wiping down a glass.

“Lucky for me, kitty, I can afford that and more.” 

Through the newly formed hole, they heard a fluttering of wings before a small white owl flew in, making a bee-line for Angel Dust, who scrambled to a sitting position as the owl dropped a letter on his lap before perching itself atop Husk's bar.

Husk eyed the newcomer suspiciously. “I just cleaned these.” he pulled the mugs and glasses in, weary of the bird choosing to poop on them.

“Isn't that, like, a real owl? Like a human world owl?” Angel Dusk asked as he opened the letter, which was addressed to Charlie and Vaggie.

He whistled as he read through the fancy parchment paper. “Girl boss owes some Loony character one hundred galleons for therapy. I have no clue how much that is, but it sounds like a lot.”

Husk had kept his eyes on the owl, who had been looking at Angel Dust expectantly. “Could you answer? I want this thing gone, and it looks like its waiting for a reply.”

Angel dust shrugged, pulling out a pen and writing a big ‘I.O.U.’ at the bottom of the page. “Is that good enough?” he folded it back up and put it inside of the envelope, loosely sealing it back up.

He held it out to the owl, who looked at him suspiciously but performed its duty, swooping down and snatching the letter before flying off through the broken window.

“That was strange. I'm gonna go tell Charlie.” 

Angel Dust went up the stairs and down the long hallway that led to Charlie and Vaggie's room, or as it had recently been re-dubbed, the ‘war room’.

The door was already cracked open, so all it took was a push for him to enter what was quite a scene.

Up on the wall, a poster of Adam was being stabbed repeatedly by Niffty, who didn't seem to tire at all even as the tattered poster showed this wasn't her hundredth, nor even her thousandth stab at it.

Meanwhile, Vaggie, Charlie and Loona were huddled up on the bed, poring over a hand-drawn map of heaven.

“The most likely place they're holding him is here.” Vaggie pointed at a spot on the map. “It's out of the way, and close enough to Adam's favorite vending machine.” 

“How's the security?” Loona asked.

“There is none. It's heaven, they don't need security.”

“But they do need torture chambers and detainment rooms?” Loona asked.

“There used to be a time when demons would get brought up and tortured, or ‘cleansed’. It was a form of entertainment. It kind of died out when humans from more modern eras started going up to heaven and calling it barbaric. They never did demolish the torture chambers, though.”

Vaggie shrugged. “It didn't seem strange at the time.”

“Alright, so when we get in, it'll be easy as brimstone pie.” Charlie said, “As long as we avoid being seen.”

“Yeah, have you figured out that little getting into heaven part?” Loona asked.

Charlie's face fell, her shoulders slumping. “No. They haven't taken the bait when I asked for another meeting, and my dad isn't answering his phone either.”

“We'll figure something out,” Vaggie insisted as she rubbed Charlie's back.

“I'll STAB my way UP there!” Niffty yelled as her assault on the poster intensified.

“Hey, ummm, Charlie, I got a bill in the mail from a Loony Goodlove. I sent her back an IOU for you.”

Charlie stared back at him, needing a few moments for her brain to catch up. “Loony?... you mean Luna? Oh my gosh, I completely forgot! How much was it?”

Angel Dust shrugged. “One hundred galleons, however much that is.”

Charlie and Vaggie shared a look, neither of them having any idea how much it was either. 

“Wait, how did she deliver a letter to hell?” Loona asked.

“Not sure, an owl brought it.” Angel Dust said.

Vaggie's brow furrowed. “I thought they blocked all the entry points to the human world from hell.”

“They did. Blitzø's losing his mind over it.” Loona said. “His boyfriend's book doesn't work anymore.”

“So how did an owl from earth get down here?” Angel Dust asked.

For the first time, Charlie's mood seemed to pick up, “I'm not sure, but I do know that this could be our lead. If Luna can get things into hell, maybe she can get them into heaven too.”

Charlie hopped off the bed and went to her drawer.

“What are you doing?” Vaggie asked.

“Getting dressed! We need to go to the bank and take out some cash. When the owl comes back, we'll pay up and then follow it.” 

Charlie was already halfway out the door when she'd finished speaking, and Loona and Niffty both quickly scurried off after her, closely followed by Vaggie.

…

Harry had been gagged and blindfolded for quite a while now, so he could trust only his hearing to tell him what was going on around him.

For a good while there, he couldn't hear much over Adam and Lute trying to one up each other, coming up with increasingly creative ways to call him a piece of shit freak. Really, if Uncle Vernon had been as inventive as them, Harry might have at least found some humor when looking back on his abusive childhood.

Then things quieted down, and that quiet coincided with a palpable change in the atmosphere. The air around him felt supercharged, made the hairs all over his body stand on end. When he inhaled, it left him very lightly euphoric, to the point where he suspected his head would spin if he took too deep a breath.

He figured that was when they'd arrived in heaven, and the duo were trying to be sneaky so as to not be seen by anyone. 

After a while, a door was opened and he was shoved inside some musty room, chained up against the wall and left alone.

A few hours passed before the door opened once more. He heard a gasp, and soon the blindfold was finally removed from his eyes.

Harry squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light. 

Standing in front of him, towering over both Adam and Lute, was what could only be an angel. She was clad in a white and grey dress. That and her multiple massive white wings contrasted against her cedar brown skin. Her grey hair reached all the way down to her hips, and the sclera of her eyes were a bluish-grey.

She was quite beautiful but also quite imposing. And she had a hand covering her mouth as she took Harry in.

“Why did you bring him here?” She asked, her voice carrying a musical lilt.

“Didn't I just fucking explain that? Jesus!” Adam shrank away as the angel shot him a stern look.

“Listen, Sera, this piece of crap over here had a bona-fide divine artifact stashed away in the normie world. And he used it to fight us!” 

Adam held the elder wand out to Sera, who grabbed it from him and brought it up close, giving it a very thorough inspection.

“This stems from the almighty himself.” 

“We're been fuckin’ tellin you!” Lute yelled in exasperation. 

Sera now looked at Harry with equal parts interest and trepidation. “How did you get your hands on something like this?”

There was a pause as the gagged Harry glanced around the three of them, his point obvious. Lute reached out with a snarl and pulled down the cloth covering his mouth.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” Harry said defiantly, staring directly at the imposing angel before him.

“Oh, please, don't tell me you're gonna try and pull this shit. You've clearly used this stupid stick before!” Adam took the elder wand from Sera and waved it at him. Sera's eyes narrowed as she snatched it back from him.

“It is best if you tell me, demon, how did you come across this object?”

Her eyes flickered, and Harry felt a compulsion of sorts try to slip through his senses. He'd spent a lifetime building a resistance to the imperious curse and shoring up his occlumency, and yet, even while he was aware of the attempt at coercion, he found his mouth moving.

“It's called the elder wand. It has a long and bloody history in our world. I became its master, and buried it in my mentor's grave so that the chaos it caused would finally end.”

Harry gasped when he finally regained control of his vocal chords. Lute and Adam snickered. “That's the power of the divine, bitch!” Adam taunted.

“A wand?” Sera looked between Harry and the deathstick. “And you claim to be its master?”

“Whoever had ownership of the wand is called the Master of Death.” Harry was compelled to answer.

Lute snorted. “Master of death? More like a monkey with a machine gun.”

“Delusional as fuck.” Adam said.

Sera was rubbing her chin. “Adam, if you may come with me. Lute. Guard the demon, make sure no one is made aware of his presence.” 

Lute squared her shoulders as she gave her a salute. “Yes ma'am!”

And with that, Sera and Adam left the room, leaving Harry alone with Lute.

The first thing Harry did was take in his surroundings. Decades of experience told him that in these situations, taking stock of everything around you could be invaluable in finding an avenue for escape.

The room he was in looked more like a closet than a torture chamber. It was dimly lit and musty, and as he took in more details, he actually did see mops and other assorted cleaning supplies mixed in with rusted out whips, manacles and chains.

“Take a good look at it. Because you're going to be spending a lot of time here, weirdo.” 

Lute had removed her mask, laying it down on top of a box as she stood there, arms crossed and with a sinister smirk on her face.

Harry ignored her, continuing to inspect the room. They'd chained him up against a wall. There were no vents or things of that nature that he could see, though he couldn't crane his neck enough to get a good look behind the shelf that was on the far wall.

“What? You think you can escape? We've got you trapped here, freak, you're fucked!” Lute stepped up to him, blocking his view.

Harry tried to peer around her to see if he could get a better angle of the leftmost corner.

Lute growled. She thrust her hand forward and grabbed him by the mouth, trying to smash his head against the wall.

Harry resisted, keeping his head steady as Lute got even closer.

“Listen here, demon, you're at my mercy right now, I can do whatever the fuck I want to you. So you better stop ignoring me!”

Harry's lip twitched. He tried to use his magic to free himself, but expectedly, his bonds suppressed it completely. 

Oh well, it was worth a try.

“What exactly are you going to do to me?” Harry asked defiantly.

Lute snarled before cocking her fist back and rocking him across the jaw. Harry's head snapped to the side, spit spewing from his mouth, but just as quickly he was turning it back, a smirk on his face as the smallest of bruises began forming on his jaw.

“That's it? I see your bite isn't as good as your bark.”

That earned him a backhanded slap across the face that stung like crazy, but did nothing to wipe away the smug smile on Harry's face.

He knew he'd gotten under her skin.

Lute reached into her pocket as she continued to glare at him. “I'm going to get something from the vending machine, you bastard, and then I'm going to show you what true pain feels like.”

“I'm looking forward to it.” Harry chuckled as she turned around and stomped off, leaving him momentarily alone in this supply closet/interrogation room.

…

“Yes?” 

The bored teller barely glanced up at Charlie, who was leaning so far forward her face was almost pressed against the safety glass that separated her from the bank teller.

“I'd like to make a withdrawal, please!” She said as Loona tapped her foot impatiently behind her. Vaggie was chasing after Niffty, who was blowing off some steam by stabbing at the ankles of everyone waiting in line behind them.

The teller sighed. “We were robbed three times this morning, ma'am. We're low on cash right now.” She flipped her hair to cover her eye.

“Oh, please, you guys embezzle twice of what gets stolen every hour. Don't pull that 

Bullshit on us.” Loona growled, baring her teeth at the teller.

“Actually, my account should be safe. Its, umm…. One of the ‘protected’ accounts.” Charlie said.

The teller raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? And who exactly are you? The newest miss Hell-Gape?”

Charlie giggled nervously. “Not quite.” She pulled out a black card and handed it to the clerk. The moment she took it, a mouse-trap like clamp snapped down, painfully pinching her finger down as spikes rose around the edges of the card.

“Ahhh! I'm sorry, my princess! How much do you need?”

Charlie looked apologetic as the teller flicked her hand desperately trying to fling the card off. “Here, let me.” Charlie reached out and touched the card, the clamp immediately loosening up and freeing the teller's hand.

The teller brought her finger to her mouth and sucked as Charlie spoke. “I'll take fifty thousand hellbucks.” She said.

The moment she uttered the amount, half the people nearby perked up, suddenly very interested in this transaction.

If a hellhound's murderous glare didn't make them back away, the sudden shooting pain of being stabbed in the achille's heel by a one-eyed demoness certainly did the trick.

“Right away, ma'am.” The clerk said, words muffled by the finger still in her mouth.

As she went out back to collect the cash, Vaggie dragged Niffty back, the imp licking her blade clean with a giddy smile. “I'm ready to stab some angels!”

“Shhh, keep it down.” Vaggie scolded her.

The teller returned quicker than expected, hauling a hand-truck piled high with stacks of cash.

“Maybe we should have done a digital transfer.” Vaggie said nervously.

“We would still have had to take out the cash.” Charlie said as the clerk opened a side-door and pushed the cart filled with money out onto their side. “I hope this is enough to cover a hundred galleons.”

As they walked out on the street, Charlie was pushing the truck while the other three set a perimeter around her. Vaggie had her spear out and Loona carried a high-powered rifle as they dared anyone to try and rob them.

…

Lute kicked the door open. As she walked in, Harry could hear a bag crinkling as the angel stuffed her mouth full of some chips.

As she got closer, Harry noted that the bag was yellow, and Lute was pulling out yellow rings that smelled very strongly of onion.

Lute smirked at him. “Funyuns, the most holy snack there is. They're little halos, after all.” She said as she took another handful and threw them into her mouth, letting out a loud crunch as she chewed on them.

“You don't get to have any either, freak.” She said as she sat down on top of a box and propped her leg up, “This is the party-sized bag too, but I'm gonna finish it all myself.”

Harry looked at her in disbelief. Yes, his stomach was gurgling, and the rings did look pretty tasty, but was this really her idea of torture?

“You know, while I was out there kicking the shit out of the vending machine, I thought long and hard about how to deal with you,” her tongue swirled out, collecting a good amount of onion dust from her lips. “Demons like you, we can't just torture you, you freaks get off on it.” She licked her fingers clean before digging right back into the large bag. “So I came up with a better idea.”

Harry raised an eyebrow as Lute continued to eat her funyuns, resulting in several minutes of silence as she went through the entire bag. Finally, she'd emptied it out, and she tilted her head back as she made sure to eat the considerable amount of dust that was left in the bag.

Still confused as to what she was getting at, he watched her crumple up the bag and toss it over her shoulder with a satisfied smirk.

“Ok?”

She walked up to him, drawing nearer and nearer, until they were mere inches apart. She spread her wings and rose up in the air until she was eye level with him, and that's when she surged forward and forced her lips against his own.

Harry's brows furrowed in confusion, his lips parting in surprise, giving Lute an opening to shove her tongue down his throat.

Her breath stank of onions, and her mouth still had some damp, gravelly bits of seasoning as she forcefully kissed him. Harry squirmed as Lute grabbed him by the back of the head and forced their lips harder together.

Her eyes had closed as she scraped her nails against the back of his head, her tongue tangling with his own as she let out a sinister laugh into their kiss.

And then Harry kissed her back.

Lute's eyes opened wide as she felt the demon's tongue fight back and overpower her own, his expert kiss making her toes curl in moments as he dominated her.

Lute pulled away forcefully, letting out a growl of frustration as she once again grabbed Harry by his face.

“You would enjoy that, even with my onion breath, you fucking big, stupid demon!” She hissed.

Harry smirked back at her. “You know what I think? I think I make you desperately horny, and you're looking for any excuse to jump my bones.”

Lute slapped him once more. Harry's head didn't budge.

“What kind of fucking bullshit is that! You think I find any of this attractive?” She grabbed at his shirt and tore it off his body, little bits remaining caught in the rings that restrained him. Lute ran her hand down his chiseled body, pinching his abs and punching him in the gut. “You fucking freak! Why would this stupid body turn me on? Or those gay little fangs-” she flicked one of his fangs, “Or those fucking horns!” She grabbed onto one of his horns, forcefully twisting his head to the side. “Or that stupid little tail-” she tugged roughly at his tail. “You walk around acting like you're big shit, you fuck. You know what? I bet if I reached down your pants, I'd find a tiny, little fucking cock!”

“Why don't you try me?” Harry challenged.

“My pleasure!” She shoved her hand down his pants, fingers seizing around the first thing she found.

Her eyes went wide as she felt the thick, turgid slab of meat. She let out a little hiss as his ribbed member pricked her palm. Her knee jerk reaction was to let go, but then her eyes narrowed in defiance, and she wrapped her hand around his shaft once again, letting the raised bumps on his cock dig into her palm.

“Why do you look so fucking smug?! It makes sense a brainless monkey like you would have a stupid animal cock. I bet you can barely last a minute.” 

Harry's grin only grew. “Try me.”

“I will, just to show you how easy it is to wrangle you, you fucking mongoloid!”

Lute tore his pants off, fully freeing his monster cock and gargantuan testicles. She gave his balls a squeeze, and Harry had to hold back a wince, not willing to show any weakness to this (admittedly sexy) bitch.

Lute began a rough and fast handjob, not letting up her pace even as her efforts were clearly hurting her, her palm already chafing from the friction with his bumpy cock.

“Is that the best you can do? I guess it makes sense, angels don't get any action, this is probably your first time ever seeing a cock.”

Harry wasn't expecting Lute's cheeks to flush as she glared hatefully at him, ramping up her rough handling of his cock with renewed vigor. “There's nothing to this shit, fucknuts. Now shut the fuck up and let me work.”

Harry was taken aback. Considering just how crass she was, he figured Lute would have some experience. But, it seemed he's been wrong, and that deep down, she was still an angel. Her demeanor now seemed childish, emulating Adam's behavior like a younger brother who learned his first curse word.

Lute now had both hands wrapped around his shaft in a desperate attempt to get him off. She'd succeeded in getting some pre-cum to leak from his cock, providing her palms with some very needed lubrication, but it was more a result of her beautiful face and how satisfying it was to see her humiliated than any real skill on her part.

Not that she cared, as soon as she saw the clear liquid slosh from his head, Lute grinned triumphantly at him, holding up her gooey hand as a strange proof of her victory.

“Hah! What did I tell you? It was even easier than I thought!”

Harry looked at her in abject confusion. “Wait, you don't… you realize that's just my pre-cum, right?”

Lute glanced down at her sticky palm before scoffing, “Bro, do you think I'm fucking stupid? I know all about cocks and cum and all that stuff, did you really think I'd fall for some bullshit like pre-cum?”

Harry couldn't help it, he laughed, he laughed right on through even as Lute pounded her fist on his chest.

“If you really think that's it, then why is my dick still hard?” To illustrate the point, Harry's cock bobbed up and down, almost as if it were taunting her. Lute glared at him, but very quickly, her hands were back on his shaft.

“You know, you could do a lot better if you used that pretty mouth of yours.” Harry said, now commited to fucking with her as much as possible.

“Are you fucking insane? You want me to put my mouth on that thing?!”

“Aren't you familiar with ‘suck my cock’?” 

Lute looked more and more uncomfortable by the moment. “That…I thought that was only a metaphor or something!”

Harry laughed again. Lute pinched one of his balls but Harry didn't stop. The angel continued stroking him for a bit longer before she let out a huff of frustration and bent over.

Her head drew nearer to his cock, and when she was close enough, she gave it a little sniff, making a face at the strong scent and glaring up at him, “Stinky fucking monkey cock.”

She seemed hesitant to go all the way, her closer vantage point making it clear just how big of a task lay ahead of her. Just as Harry opened his mouth to taunt her, she screwed her face up in determination, opened her mouth wide and dived down, filling her mouth up with cock in one go.

She coughed and gagged, eyes welling up with tears as his girth proved too much for her. Harry laughed and she glared hatefully up at him, though the effect was a bit different with a mouthful of cock.

Instead of pulling back to insult him, Lute looked back down, eyes crossing as she grabbed his hips and began to bob her head on his meat.

“Aaahh!” Harry hissed as her sexy throat and mouth worked on his shaft. That seemed to encourage her, and Lute continued to suck him off, even as her throat burned from the friction caused by of the thick, ribbed monster cock. 

Harry wished his hands were free so he could grip her short, white hair. As it was, he was more than content to look down as the angel sucked his cock, her eyes having returned to glaring up at him, the intense, searing eye-contact only adding to his pleasure.

Lute could only take the top third of his cock before her gag reflex stopped her cold. Harry could see her throat moving, involuntarily swallowing the veritable streams of pre-cum that he continues leaking.

She coughed again, and this time she had to pull back, holding Harry's cock up as she struggled to extricate it from her throat.

Her mouth was drenched in slobber and fluids now as she strokes him. “Stop fucking looking at me!”

“I can't exactly help it, can I?” Harry responded sarcastically.

Lute, lifted off the ground and flipped herself upside down. Harry was confused for only a moment before she lowered her pants, dropping them to her mid-thigh, just enough to expose her tight slit.

“This way, I don't have to look at you and you make yourself fucking useful.” She barked before her pussy went flying directly at his face.

Harry braces, but he's still smacked by a hot, wet cunt. Her drenched lips smack him in the eyes first before he tilts his head, eagerly opening his mouth to devour her angelic cunt.

“What the fuck!” Lute yelled. Her naivete had led her to miscalculate, having never expected getting her pussy licked to feel like this. She remembered the times she'd taunted those dykes from hell by inviting them to ‘much on my cunt’, and she felt a shiver creep up her spine.

Harry was face deep in Lute's sweet, creamy pie, and he was loving it. His long tongue wriggled its way down her pussyhole, her tight walls squeezing around him.

Lute's eyes were screwed shut. Her breath had left her as something akin to an electric current was running through her body. 

As her mind threatened to go completely blank, she latched on to one thought, one powerful mantra.

She couldn't let that disgusting, piece of shit demon win.

She opened her eyes and then closed them again when her vision came out blurry. She grit her teeth, pawing blindly until she found a thick shaft, and then she dived at it with all her energy, taking his cock into her mouth.

They were sixty-nining now, Lute upside down with his cock in her mouth while Harry licked away at her pussy, his tongue now out of her hole after digging up a treasure trove of honey and lathering it all up on her inner lips and her sensitive clit. Harry wished he could reach around and grip her pale ass-cheeks, that he could completely remove her pants, but he settled for blowing the angel's mind as he finally wrapped his lips around her clit and began to pulse it in his mouth, using copious amounts of spit and tongue.

He knew she was done when he felt her nails dig into his upper thigh. He redoubled his effort, and he managed to get her off before she flew off of him, body jerking wildly as she flew around like a drunken bee, overwhelmed by her very first orgasm. 

Lute was a mess. Upside down and taken by an overwhelming crush that had every one of her nerve endings on fire.

She crash landed on the floor as her body twitched, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her hand jumped to her crotch, falling over her throbbing clit and giving it light, rapid pats as if to put out a fire.

Harry watched on from his spot on the wall, his cock now throbbing madly, his balls aching in desperate need of release.

Lute had managed to shimmy her pants down to her ankles in her writhing, giving him a clear view of her sweet pussy as she spread her legs open to fan it out. It was right there, so tantalizing, so tempting. If only he could break out of those chains and take it for himself…

Lute was breathing hard, but she'd calmed down enough to roll over and push herself up onto her feet. Harry could see her nipples poking hard against the material of her shirt.

She was a bit wobbly but she tried her best to retain her superior aura as she dusted herself off.

“You still haven't gotten me to cum.” Harry said, sounding perhaps a tinge too eager as his hungry cock begged to have her speared on its length.

Lute winced at just a glance at his monster, and she quickly hauled her pants up and made a beeline for the door, wanting to put some distance between herself and Harry.

“You're just going to give up?”

“Fuck you, dude! I… it stinks in here, I'm going out for some air!” She slammed the door shut before Harry could get another word in, leaving behind a horny, frustrated demon.

…

The girls had made it back to the hotel with Charlie's giant cart full of cash completely intact, except for a constant stream of single bills that kept drifting off from the top of the pile, which Charlie wasn't sweating.

When they entered the hotel they stumbled into a war zone.

Sir Pentious and the egg-boys had barricaded themselves behind a pile of upturned furniture as they faced death from above in the form of a snowy-white owl that was hovering overhead, deftly avoiding any projectiles the egg-boys threw at it.

“What is going on here?” Charlie yelled.

“Oh, Charlie! You missed a really good part.” Angel Dust ran over, munching on some popcorn. “The owl snatched Pentious up and was going to haul him off, it was great!”

“Hold steady boys! Next volley takes it!” Sir Pentious hissed to his minions.

“No, wait!” Charlie stalked over.

“Charlie! You're in the line of fire!” Pentious yelled.

“There is no line of fire. You idiots are stopping this now.” Vaggie yelled as she marched after them as well.

Vaggie pulled away the main table they were hiding behind. 

“Noooo! You've killed us all!”

Loona held her arm out and the owl flew down, perching itself on her arm as she rubbed under its beak. “You're a cute little guy.” 

“That thing is an absolute menace! It almost had me for dinner!” 

“You're, like, twice its size.” Vaggie scolded Sir Pentious.

“It has very strong talons.” 

“Its also got a letter.” Loona held up the envelope. Charlie ran over and took it, wasting no time in opening it.

Final Notice!

You must pay the sum of ONE HUNDRED 

GALLEONS and one STUFFED ANIMAL. You have ten hours to pay or your debt will go into collection and L. LOVEGOOD INC will be forced to send our strike team of snorkacks after you.

“I thought you said this lady was chill.” Loona said as she read the notice.

“Oh, Luna just has a particular sense of humor.” Charlie said. “Now let me go find a little stuffed toy!”

Charlie ran upstairs and came back down with a little stuffed vampire bat.

“Mr. Tibbles, I'm sorry, but your sacrifice will not be in vain.” She whispered to the plush toy.

“What now?” Angel Dust asked. “How's that thing going to carry that mountain of cash? Which, by the way, I can stash if you need me to.”

The owl flew off from Loona's shoulder, overhead the cowering egg-boys, and snatched the stuffed toy from Charlie's hands. Then, it flew over to the wheelbarrow full of cash and, to everyone's shock, grabbed it and lifted it up in the air as if it weighed nothing, and without tipping it over at all.

“Oh, wow.” 

“WHAT DO WE DO NOW?” Niffty hopped up and down as, while everyone stared at it dumbstruck, the owl began to fly out through the hole in the wall.

Charlie scrambled, “Sir Pentious, we need your ship to follow that owl!”

“Can I blast it out of the sky?” The serpent bowed its head under the immediate glares he received. “Fine, lets go.”

And so, high above the skies of hell, Sir Pentious’ zeppelin chased after a solitary owl carrying a wheelbarrow full of cash and a stuffed animal. The owl flew surprisingly fast, and Pentious almost had to go full throttle to keep up.

“All we need to do is follow it back to earth, and then we can figure out how to use them to get to heaven!” Charlie said as she leaned over the control panel.

The chase continued for several more minutes, until the owl reached the outer edges of the pride ring. 

Then, with a little pop, the bird vanished into thin air, cargo and all.

“What!” Loona growled, slamming her fist on the control panel.

“That is very sensitive equipment!” Sir Pentious whined at her.

“No! M-Maybe… maybe if we keep looking, we'll find it.” Charlie said, her voice dying.

They kept surveying the area for a while longer, but it was to no avail. The owl had vanished, they had lost their lead.

Charlie kicked a can in frustration before running over to grab it and throw it in the proper trash can.

They had landed on a random street corner, frustration threatening to boil over.

“Charlie, we'll figure something else out.” Vaggie said.

“What exactly are we going to figure out?!” Loona's fists were clenched, and when an irate Niffty tackled a bystander and began stabbing them, Loona happily joined in, pummeling the unlucky demon with her fists.

Charlie was shaking her head, trying to hold back tears. “…we won't be able to save Harry, will we?”

“Never despair, Charlie. Harry is my blood brother, and as a fellow sssserpent, it is my duty to save him!” Sir Pentious proclaimed.

After making his grandiose claim, Pentious’ attention was drawn towards two pedestrians that had just side-stepped Loona and Niffty's assault.

“Brother Voldermort?!” He called out.

One of the figures stiffened before turning around, dropping a hoodie to reveal the pale, snake-faced former dark lord.

“Hello there.” He said.

“Voldemort? Fancy meeting you here.” Vaggie said.

“Who's your friend?” Charlie asked, glancing at Voldemort's very diminutive companion, who was complete obscured under a hooded cloak.

“Oh, it's no one, princess. No one at all.” Voldemort said. “I must be going, busy day ahead.”

Before they could leave, Loona spin kicked the stabbed and beaten bystander right into Voldemort's companion, who squealed as they fell to the ground, their hood falling back to reveal a very prominent unibrow.

“Hortense?” Charlie exclaimed.

Voldemort scrambled to bring the girl back to her feet. “I know we don't want any trouble with the angels, oh princess of mine, this has all been a big misunderstanding. I'm on my way to take her back right now, don't worry.”

“How did you manage to bring her here?” Vaggie asked Voldemort.

Hortense scoffed, dusting herself off as she stood tall and proud. “I was the one who figured out a way to get here.”

Vaggie and Charlie shared a look, and then the princess cracked a smile as she rubbed her hands together. “Can you show us how?”

…

Adam had been in heaven since the beginning, or as near to the beginning as a human could hope for. And yet, Sera was leading him somewhere he'd never been.

The clouds were gone. The sky changed from pristine blue to the deep, infinite void of space. They were walking up a stairwell that seemed to disappear into infinity. With each step, it was as if they'd grown bigger, or everything around them had shrunken down. Adam reached out and burnt his finger on a star the size of a marble.

“We're here.” Sera said.

Adam looked, and he was completely taken aback. Out of nowhere, a set of massive oak doors, suspended in space just like the steps, had appeared before them. Somehow, Adam knew that the true size of these doors was inconceivable, even to him.

“The fuck is this?” He asked, his tone carrying more nerves than arrogance.

“This, first man, is the door to the almighty.”

“Wait… you mean… to him?”

Sera nodded slowly. “To him.”

She reached out and touched the door. Adam did the same, and he felt a symphony of sounds course through his body, the back of his ears tingling something fierce.

The texture of that wood was indescribable, the smallest bump or divot, the faintest curve, it was like he could unlock the meaning of life itself if he simply closed his eyes and felt.

Sera's hand stopped at the seam between the two doors. There, there was a small, circular hole. Sera held up the wand, with its concentric beads, and looked back at Adam.

“For millennia, there has been nothing but silence. I have looked for guidance, looked for his word, but still, there is nothing.”

“Wait, the big guy's been M.I.A?” Adam barked.

She placed the wand against the hole, the tip slotting perfectly into it. “All along, this was the tool we needed. This was the key to his realm, the key to quell the growing emptiness. With this, we will once again bask in the divine light of the almighty.”

She inserted the wand into the hole, her soul singing as each bead let off a click that resounded throughout eternity.

Sera took in a deep breath, tensing in anticipation as the wand inserted fully, latched in perfectly.

She turned the wand to the side, hearing another click.

She pulled at the door.

It would not budge.