Big Daddy Dispatch: May 2023 (Patreon)

Dispatch Seventy Five May 1st, 2023

Greetings WHM Family!

Holy crap, we just slung a whole lotta APE content at you folks in the month of Ape-ril! We had four main feed episodes, one Direct-to-DVD Chimp-tastic nightmare, and yes, even a virtual live show on the biggest APE of them all, King Kong! Long story short, we are HAPPY to return to regular, non-ape programming. And we’ve got a doozy of a month planned for you folks including a California tour! We couldn’t be more excited, and you should too!

Banner Credit: We Hate Movies The Big Daddy Dispatch by Felipe Sobreiro

Image Credit: King Kong Virtual Live Show Photo  by @iamtherog via Twitter

THE SPRING TOUR IS QUICKLY SELLING OUT! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!

May is finally upon us, which means in just a few short weeks your favorite (please let us be your favorite) movie podcast gentlemen are boarding a plane for the WEST COAST for the first time since that traumatic event that happened a few years ago that we’re all still processing and recovering from—and we really haven’t done a good job of that, either! We’re SO excited to come out to see you folks and perform live at two incredible venues, in two amazing cities, doing shows on two HOME RUN MOVIES! And as you’ll see below, these tickets are running low and you DO NOT want to get shut out (like our New Jersey friends), so GET THOSE TICKETS NOW!

On Thursday, May 18th, we'll be at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco talking about Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home! Save the whales (or something) with us and watch us talk Star Trek in person for the very first time!

The following Monday, May 22nd, we'll be at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles to talk about, Twins (1988)! It seems that the good folks in L.A. know just how weird this show is going to be because we have ourselves a low ticket warning! I mean, with a cast of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, how could it not get real weird, real quick?

Finally, we close the tour out next month in June with a SOLD OUT show in beautiful New Brunswick, New Jersey doing a LIVE WLM episode on The Birdcage! This is tied into New Jersey Pride and all proceeds will be going to back to the theater, who does amazing outreach for LGBTQ youth in the community. We are stoked to talk about this movie and give something back!

These are all going to be incredible shows and the tickets are either gone or are going fast! So click here to snag your tickets to make sure you don’t get shut out!

LAST MONTH ON WHM

Episode 667 – Dunston Checks In 

To kick off Ape-ril, the fellas check into [insert random city name]’s The Majestic Hotel, wherein widowed father-of-two, played by Jason Alexander, must juggle a thief, an upscale hotel critic, day-to-day operations, two demonic children, one high-strung overseer, and the titular orangutan while preparing for the hotel’s all-important annual gala. How bad was the budget that we never get beyond 10 feet outside the hotel’s entrance? Why does Glenn Shadix’s dog want to kill himself? What’s the deal with the older brother and those security tapes? Plus, a visit to Tim Burton’s birthday party and an in-depth discussion on fake monkey noises.

Episode 668 – Planet of the Apes (1968) Patrons ONLY!

For the Ape-ril WLM, Andrew, Steve, Chris, and Eric crash-land in hostile territory with Charlton Heston, who finds that he and his companions have discovered a planet ruled over by an advanced civilization of apes. Do not these prosthetics, costumes, and make-up beat weightless digital verisimilitude? Can we get invited to an ape’s funeral and should we bring something for the wake? Were this and Soylent Green the best we ever got with Charlton Heston? Plus, thoughts on human-catching net budgets, Ape City’s set design, and one of the best endings in 1960’s cinema.

Episode 669 – Monkey Shines

After a long wait, the boys finally contend with Pittsburgh’s greatest son, George A. Romero, who directed this absolutely demented tale of a helper monkey turned into a violent, avenging force for her beloved master, a former athlete and student turned quadriplegic after getting hit by a truck. Is this the sleaziest that Stanley Tucci has ever been short of Undercover Blues? How did Romero pull off the hottest quadriplegic sex scene in the history of the American cinema? Could one survive having Stephen Root as your boss and keep your soul in the process? Also, a discussion of pet birds, home nurses, and Pat Sajak’s impending funeral.

Episode 670 – Any Which Way You Can

Brother, can you spare me an orangutan? Andrew, Eric, Steve, and Chris hit the road to catch up with the improbably prosperous career of professional bare knuckle boxer, Philo Beddoe (Clint Eastwood) and his orangutan sidekick, Clyde, who likes shitting in cop cars. Was the drugging of the lady orangutan for sex purposes Buddy Van Horn’s idea or Clint’s? Do they allow orangutans into bars in Jackson Hole? Did Clint and Ray Charles record any other songs together? Word of advice: do not trust men who burst into women’s boarding houses with police on their tail.

Episode 671 – Rampage (2018)

The boys get into the toxic Doritos and start climbing the skyline peaks with a super-wolf named Ralph, a kaiju-gator named Lizzie, and an ever-growing six-story gorilla named George, while Dwayne Johnson tries to talk us all down. Surprise! He doesn’t do a great job. Is this somehow one of the best video game adaptations out there? Can we find the extended cut of Malin Akerman’s last scene? Where does the Dwayne Johnson: Thespian project go after Black Adam? Plus, Poppy and Junior play the original Rampage cabinet game.

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month: TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't pornography.

Andrew: Well, because I’m a total psycho, our amount of ape-related programming for APE-ril just wasn’t enough, so I decided to go through the entire Planet of the Apes franchise. Nine films, hundreds of apes, endless opportunities to become completely disillusioned and disgusted with the entire human race. Anyway, here’s a brief thought on each:

Planet of the Apes (1968) - You got my thoughts on this on our WLM episode, but again I’ll just say, if you haven’t seen it, the movie isn’t just what pop culture remembers it to be. Don’t sleep on this!

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) - Solid-ass sequel that does give you a little bit of Heston, but mostly features this other fella that looks exactly like him. Wild-ass “I can’t believe they did that!” ending.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) - Just when you’re laughing at Cornelius and Zira becoming pseudo-celebrities in 1970’s America, the film punches you in the face with one of the grimmest endings in the series.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) - Roddy McDowell goes from playing Cornelius to Caesar, the grown son of Cornelius and Zira. Probably Roddy’s best performance in the series as he gives that incredible monologue to close the film.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) - The final entry in the original run of films. Caesar’s got a lot on his plate with a mutant cult attacking his community, plus a rogue gorilla named Aldo who’s had it up to here with apes not killing other apes. It’s really amazing what they did on such a small budget.

Planet of the Apes (2001) - My opinion hasn’t changed since episode 165 of We Hate Movies. Great costumes and set designs, and the make-up is top notch, but this is made from a terrible script, Wahlberg is miscast, and that ending is abysmal. Plus, the Heston cameo is straight trash.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) - I see a lot of people thinking this is the best of the new trilogy, but sorry, you got Franco in there and that’s a major strike—I didn’t buy him as a scientist in 2011 and I don’t now. It’s an interesting enough idea for how to start a chain reaction that gets you a planet of hyper-intelligent apes, but I only really wake up for this one once the apes, ya know, rise. Everything before that is kind of whatever.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - I really like the small-ish story here, with Jason Clarke and his team trying to fix this hydro-electric plant while getting to know Caesar and his crew. Such a great sense of tension throughout the entire film, with the humans (mostly) trying not to upset these apes. The finale on the construction tower is fantastic.

War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) - I think this is the best of the series. A super-solid jailbreak film, with the best Andy Serkis has ever been in these movies. Love the addition of Steve Zahn’s “Bad Ape” character, it’s the correct amount of comedic relief required so this this isn’t 100% Grim Town. Not a dry eye in the house after that ending.

So that’s it! I really dig these depressing sci-fi flicks and I’m pumped for Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes next year!

Chris: I’ve been stuck in a Dwan-hole recently, by which I mean I have been watching a lot of Allan Dwan, the ingenious director who served as Peter Bogdanovich’s introduction into the world of early silent black-and-white filmmaking and its inevitable transition into sound and color in his great book, Who the Devil Made It? In the mainstream, he’s improbably best known for the Don Ameche-led Three Musketeers and Sands of Iwo Jima, in which John Wayne leads a brave offensive against the Japanese in 1943, starting with the famed invasion of Tarawa on the Gilbert Islands. Neither are particularly good unless you have a thing for Ameche, Wayne, or C-grade Marx Bros. stand-ins the Ritz Brothers, in which case Dwan’s stormy 1939 comedy-mystery The Gorilla is a much better showcase for the trio.

I was introduced to Dwan via his vehemently anti-McCarthy westerns, specifically Silver Lode and Tennessee’s Partner, both of which are worth your time, but what’s struck me about what I’ve watched thus far is the breadth of his mastery in nearly every genre he tried. Slightly Scarlet, from 1956 and shot by the great John Alton, brings an acidic stew of infiltration, kleptomania, betrayal, and violence to a boil in the guise of a noir-tinged melodrama about a pair of redhead sisters who become the lynchpin for a plan to derail a do-good reform politician. The story is all delicious twists, sumptuous line-readings, and jagged emotional edges, rendered into a narrow maze of shadows and shrieks of color by Alton and Dwan. It’s cheap on Amazon, and free on Flix. Well worth your time.

There have been a few more excellent volumes from Dwan in my recently-watched list, including Frontier Marshal, The Restless Breed, and Human Cargo, but the other one I wanted to single out is Suez, from 1938, which stars the great Tyrone Power as Ferdinand de Lesseps, the French diplomat who spent much of the mid-19th century (and his life) laying the groundwork for what would become the Suez Canal. In comparison to so many true-story historical epics of recent vintage, Suez is struck by not only the enormous sweep of history, but how indifferent popular history is to the personal sacrifices and tragedies endured in its name. Rather than primarily seeing awe in the construction of the canal, Dwan saves the fireworks for all the things that nearly stopped the project, including a love triangle involving Napoleon’s nephew in France and a mighty and unforgiving tornado in Egypt. There’s such a sense of loss to the film that even the ostensibly happy ending feels minute, while the will and hardships required to survive history and become a part of it is underlined through appearances from well-known rebellious figures, including Benjamin Disraeli and Franz Liszt. The narrative architecture is familiar and you won’t break your brain figuring out how it all ends, but everything Dwan does makes the inevitability of the canal’s coming to be seem uncertain, perilous, and more than a little heartbreaking.

Eric: I've been a tad busy this Ape-ril so I didn't watch a ton but here's some stuff I did.

Hard Target (1993) - Revisited this classic on 4K and wow, it looks amazing. If I ever win the VHS trailer game (not going to happen) this might be a contender for a re-do episode as I was not on that original WHM. Just a delightful movie.

Hard Target 2 (2016) - I've been going through Scott Adkins movies in general and figured after Hard Target, I should fire this up. It does not have much in common with the original, more of just "a most dangerous game" movie. Temuera Morrison is in this though, and he's got great teeth even back then in 2016!

The Vanishing (1993) - American remake of the Dutch movie from 1988. It features Sandra Bullock getting kidnapped by Jeff Bridges who is sort of turning in a Crispin Glover style performance. Kiefer Sutherland is the boyfriend of Sandy and makes it his quest to find her. Interesting curio just because of the cast.

The Brave Archer (1977) - Kung fu corner over here. Would you believe this movie and all of its sequels feature zero archery? I'm talking ZERO. I don't think there's a single arrow. It's OK.

Return of the Street Fighter (1974) - Sonny Chiba continues to rule. I've been going through his movies and of course, the Street Fighter series is definitely worth your time.

Rolling Thunder (1977) - Masterpiece. Best movie I've seen all month! William Devane returns home from Vietnam to find his life completely gone. Tommy Lee Jones helping him get revenge. This scratched the sweet spot. Co-written by Paul Schrader? Schrader does not miss. Currently on Tubi.

The McPherson Tape (1989) - Reportedly thought to be an actual alien abduction caught on camcorder in 1983, but it's just a movie doing Blair Witch way before that overrated movie came out. It's annoying, tedious, you'll hate the family you're trapped with, but it's oddly compelling. It is kinda funny to see a spacecraft and go home to play board games and shit... but it's compelling enough. Might be good as the B feature to your alien movie night - it's 74 minutes and on PlutoTV.

Steve: You know, it’s been about three weeks and I’m still thinking about Beau Is Afraid. Who’d a thunk it? So far it’s easily my favorite movie of the year, but there’s a lot of big ones still to come, so I do expect it to get jostled a bit. Just a wild, audacious, raucously funny, and wrenching film. For three hours (you do feel them folks, but there’s not much I would cut) you’re trapped in an anxiety laced nightmare, that has some of the best jokes I can remember in years. The catharsis you feel is not being Beau, in watching him flail and fail, watching the insane obstacles he has to overcome, and good god, watch him deal with his mother. You may see yourself in a lot of this (if you’re me anyways) and you’ll say THANK GOD THAT’S NOT ME!

Other stuff I’ve been fooling around with that thankfully didn’t have apes in it include:

Succession: I’ve been absolutely loving this season and thrilled that it’s the last. You can see potential ways forward even after some of the large changes that happen in those first few episodes (SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO NOT FUCKING SPOIL THINGS????), but the point is the ending, it’s fast approaching and it just relieves us of any more table setting and this season we’re just getting steak after steak after steak. I’m really curious to see where this all goes, and I’m guessing it’s nowhere good.

Ghosted: An intellectually and charismatically bankrupt enterprise, starring two people I’ve liked in stuff! This feels like the movie The Russo brothers prophesied that is completely artless, devoid of movie stars (who don’t even EXIST btw) and written by barely functioning AI algorithms. The future is here folks, and it fucking sucks.

PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND

Here's a fun space where folks on Patreon get to ask us Questions directly. This month's entry comes from

Kelli from Indiana, who asks: “With the The Super Mario Bros. Movie movie not being the worst thing ever, what is a video game or video game franchise that you would like to see attempted to be made into a movie (even if the end result is hot garbage)?”

Andrew: For literally decades, I’ve dreamed about a really solid Zombies Ate My Neighbors movie. It’s one of my all-time favorite games, and I think you could get a really great little horror comedy out of the game’s story. I’ve always envisioned it to play like a Monster Squad for adults. Maybe we here at WHM should adapt it into a screenplay and see what happens?

Chris: Hmmm, if we’re talking about something I just want to see on the big screen, I’d have to go with Mega Man, and yes, I’m sure there are animated movies out there that I’ll never see. I just mean an official big-studio release. There’s plenty of possibilities for cool worlds and action, and I really need to see Dr. Wiley as a real-life character or some gaudy animated creation. My answer would usually just be Zelda but a bad Zelda adaptation would haunt my ass for sure and I’m certain it will when the day comes.

Eric: Video game made into a movie? Let's go whole hog - Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire! Aside from that, I liked Diablo and Diablo II back in the day. Zero memory of the plot but I thought the aesthetics were cool once. Maybe there's a movie in there? Also I think it was in Diablo II online where the infamous "Sir Poopjuice" reared his ugly head. Put Sir Poopjuice in the movie, of course! Actually your question prompted me to google around and they remastered Diablo II for Switch? Guess I'll have to try it out! Thanks!

Steve: As I am exactly two weeks away from receiving my pre-ordered copy of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, and I’m literally counting the seconds, I think that should be my answer. Zelda. Just do it as a big old Peter Jackson-y adventure in LIVE ACTION, please. Have a bunch of fun practical effect Moblins and Zoras and I’d be fucking happy. Also, I do think there’s a world in which there’s a fun/good Street Fighter movie (even though the Van Damme version does rule), like a titsch more serious, more violent bad ass action movie about a tournament of fighters with kick-ass moves kicking the shit out of each other for two hours? Why not. Oh, and Adam Driver can be Guile or something. Just do it.

MAY SCHEDULE

Say what? The Schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peak at what we're putting out in May!

Episode 672 – The Edge (1997) with Brant MacDuff

Episode 673 – Son in Law

Episode 674 – World War Z

Episode 675 – Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Episode 676 – Saw IV: Live in Toronto!

Patreon Episodes:

Patreon Exclusive We Love Movies – Guardians of the Galaxy

Animation Damnation: Rugrats: “Angelica’s Worst Nightmare / The Mega Diaper Babies” (s3, e21)

The Nexus: TOS: “Whom Gods Destroy” (s3, e14), TNG: “Sarek”(s3,e23)

Gleep Glossary: Yarna d’al’ Gargan

MelR0210: 90210 “Mexican Standoff” (s2, e27), Melrose Place: “Strange Bedfellows” (s2, e14)

Making It So: Series Finale! Andrew and Steve re-cap all of season 3 in one great pod!

PATREON RSS BUG

If you’re having trouble with the RSS feed updating or episodes not appearing in your app, Patreon has acknowledged this bug and they have a fix: "Try unsubscribing and re-subscribing via your app by re-entering the unique RSS feed you were given and is on our Overview section of the Creator page. Or try using a different podcast app or RSS feed reader."

Please consult this page and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate your continued support!

UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION

Our Youtube Channel continues to kick-ass folks! That's where you can catch all the new WHM On-Screen Live episodes where in we break down Box Office news, react live to trailers, and talk about stuff we're watching, all on a weekly basis! It is MUST SEE viewing for the WHM fan. We also just did a live Mailbag! You never know what’s going to happen on that channel, folks!

We also have all officially sanctioned VHS Trailer Game episodes up to this point. Eric has also put out great clip packages like Dr. Loomis is the Worst Doctor, Dilf Den, George Bailey as Michael Meyers, John Wick-Mentary,  Toby Jones in Bee Movie, Sausage Claus, David!, Muppet Hitchcock Presents, and many more! You can also watch the entirety of our Witchboard episode! Complete with visual gags (most of which are almost funny.). You'll find all sorts of cool shit like Mailbags, VHS Trailer Games, Full Episodes like Leprechaun 2, Thief, The Royal Tenenbaums, Eternals,  and Saw III. Like we said above these are great for sharing and introducing folks to the show. There's so much content there we can't list it all here. Just go and subscribe already!

It's back in stock, baby! You can get a KICK ASS edition of the super fun B-Movie Scanner Cop, which includes our commentary track, which isn't available anywhere else! Get yours here!

Eric and Ben are back in the the blue and they've got FIVE STARS and the helicopter is swooping in, as they talk about "Grand Theft Auto" with our good friend Andrew Jupin! And they’ve un-archived an episode of Blame It On Outer Space concerning the dubious theory regarding The Montauk Project! Listen here!

Did you know that Andrew has a website? No, it's not an OnlyFans (yet), it's a cool blog for some musings and Jupin-centric goings on. Lookit that fancy graphic from Raphael Sarmento! Check it out at andrewjupin.com

If you're a fan of the show and a fan of looking sharp, you should check out our merch on our TeePublic store! Our newest designs are the very ape-tacular KING KONG virtual show AND 2023 Spring Tour art by Felipe Sobreiro! We also have the new "Crispy Critters" design from friend of the show, Nathan Hamill! There are tons of other amazing designs like The VHS Trailer Game Logo, Demon-o's Pizza, Egg Lawyer, The Order of the Boop, The Kornkast design and many more, with more to come!

That's going to do it for this month's Dispatch!


Take it easy,
Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies