Big Daddy Dispatch: June 2024 (Patreon)

 Dispatch Eighty Seven June 1, 2024

 
Greetings WHM Family!

We just got back from our Texas Two-Step and hot damn, was that fun! The picture above was taken at Tiki-Tatsu-Ya, a bar in Austin where we celebrated Andrew’s REDACTED Birthday! Now that we’re back home…it’s just about time to start of the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza 2024! Looking at that written out makes one realize how long we’ve been doing this! It’s been a long time, but damn, if we aren’t just getting started. We’ve got some HEATERS coming your way this summer, both on the Main feed and on your beloved Patreon!  Also, Virtual Live show enthusiasts, keep your ears open for some exciting news!

Banner Credit: We Hate Movies Logo by Felipe Sobreiro

 Image Credit: WHM, Tiki Bar Enthusiasts by Chelsea Jupin

LAST MONTH ON WHM

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Episode 737 –Mad Max: The Road Warrior (Patrons Only)

Just in time for Furiosa to make her return to the big screen, a full WLM on the other great Mad Max sequel. Andrew, Eric, and Steve hit the road to find precious guzzoline and help our titular friend find a place to defend when the rules of the road begin to wear on him as well. Is there a stockpile of hockey masks somewhere for the apocalypse? How do you keep up with repairs on some of these death machines? Are there orgies going on at this commune place he ends up at? Always aspire to be the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla.

Episode 738 –  Lethal Weapon 3  

The boys are back on the beat with a temporarily demoted Riggs and Murtaugh as they harass pedestrians, destroy a healthy portion of the city their precinct resides in, and eventually expose and take down an illegal arms ring led by a former cop. Couldn’t we have done this without Joe Pesci? Doesn’t Rene Russo have a much, much better place to be? Would you go to the funeral of the teenager you shot to death if you were not a wannabe serial killer? Prayers up for that dead young cop that Riggs makes fun of for no reason after the kid is murdered.

Episode 739 – House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Ewwwww, William Castle remakes! Gross! The gang head into the titular nightmare factory/haunted asylum to help Ali Larter, Chris Kattan, and Geoffrey Rush get out and collect that sweet, sweet cash. Are they really trying to make Rush into a Vincent Price replacement? Can we get some more actual ghost action here? Why does this look so god damn bad and dark? Look out for those big vats of goo that are hidden away in all old asylums.

Episode 740 – Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

Andrew, Chris, Steve, and Eric take the red-eye with John, Garfield, and Odie to creepily follow John’s girlfriend, Liz, on a work trip to ensure a really awkward proposal that no one will feel good about. Oh, and there’s a second Garfield named Prince too! Who allowed the travesty of Bob Hoskins voicing a bulldog who compliments Garfield’s farts to go down? Can we find them and punish them? Can we put the good ol’ kibosh on Black Eyed Peas songs being used in any movie? How is Roger Rees not playing a villain here? Billy Connolly, thank you for trying!

Episode 741 – Beneath the Planet of the Apes

The fellas wake up still on the planet of the apes but with a B-grade Charlton Heston now...who is looking for actual Charlton Heston, who was captured by some unknown force after escaping Doctor Zaius and the gorillas. Seriously, why did they make the main character look and talk exactly like Heston? Can we get more of this gorillas vs. chimps stuff and all that guerilla training? Is this the bleakest ending in a franchise of bleak endings? We always said the world would end in Queens, New York!

WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

This is a space for us to talk about some NON-We Hate Movies related content that we've shoved into our eyeballs in the last month: TV, Movies, Cartoons, and Sports (maybe?). Just about anything that isn't pornography

Andrew:   I’m bummed to report that I completely struck out with hotel TV while we were in Texas for the Two-Step. When I wasn’t watching basketball or hockey playoffs, I came across zero Ass Magnet Hotel TV titles. But here’s what I did get up to watching:

The Mummy (1999): I caught this on the Big Screen with some buds when Universal did the 25th Anniversary re-release. We were stoned out of our gourds and it was an amazing experience. The movie still totally kicks ass and wow, it’s such a horny film. Wonderful stuff. 

The Nice Guys (2016): This was my first re-watch since theaters and holy crap, what a picture. The movie totally holds up minus the daughter dropping the R-word awkwardly that one time, but other than that, magnificent movie. Would watch a sequel in a heartbeat. 

South Seas Adventure (1958): If you follow me on IG, you may have noticed me getting deeper into tiki cocktail culture over the last year or so. Recently, I read somewhere that one of the pioneers of the 20th century American craze, Donn Beach, appeared in this film in a brief cameo, so I took a gander at this thing on Tubi. It’s a total novelty doc, part of a series of films produced by Cinerama as a way to show off their 3-screen simultaneous 35mm presentation technology, which I wish is how I watched this, and not with constant commercial breaks. The film is a series of four or five segments, most of them set to narration by the one and only Orson Welles— absolutely zero night vision, which was weird. It’s a lotta pretty people and pretty locations. Would recommend mixing up something tasty, sparking a jay and putting this one on, at least for a bit— it does run two hours and you definitely don’t need to watch the whole thing to get the idea.

Moneyball (2011): I truly regret waiting 13 years to watch this movie because I loved it. It’s a Paperwork & Data movie mixed with a baseball drama and wow, what a combo. Fantastic movie. Why hasn’t Bennett Miller had a movie out in ten years? Foxcatcher was great too!

Nightkill (1980): Another film from Beneath the Planet of the Apes director Ted Post, this movie was a fun watch. In full on YouTube, it’s like a neo-noir, with a fun EC Comics vibe to it that I found really watchable. Jaclyn Smith does a pretty solid job here. You also have Robert Mitchum running around, half-drunk, wearing a tiny cowboy hat. It’s a real look. 

 Atlas (2024) - Stay, the fuck, Tuned

Chris:  Run and Kill: Steve recommended this wicked little number to me a few months ago and I finally found time to do some real honest-to-goodness psychic damage to myself this week and watch it all the way through. If the Coen Bros. had remade Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, you’d be close to the trajectory of this nihilistic fable, but the notorious CAT III director, Billy Tang gives this a cruel streak that borders on the demonic, but never loses tonal control. If ever there were a testament to “the way out is through,” this is it. It outdoes even early Herman Yau in its dedication to stepping beyond perceived moral lines in the sand, and Kent Cheng and the invaluable Simon Yam give their all as the Bugs and Elmer in Tang’s cartoonishly severe one-wrong-step tale.

The Strangers: Chapter 1: May be the most blatant instance of beating a dead IP for paltry returns from only the most obsessive horror fans. There’s nothing interesting in the filmmaking or the expansion of story that something like this really hinges on. One would think that would mean you put more effort in making the central couple charismatic and engaging and inventive and guess what? Nothing about it feels unique or personal or even convincingly felt. Let this one die, please.

The Major and the Minor: The premise is a god damn minefield: Ginger Rogers dresses up as a 12-year-old to get a discounted fair on a ticket home from the big city that has chewed her up and spit her out, and on the way, she becomes the unwilling ward of handsome military school instructor Major Phil Kirby (Ray Milland), who believes she’s a kid against all odds. There’s some potent symbolic power to the idea that a grown woman will be treated like a child no matter what she does, and director and co-writer Billy Wilder plays it straight for the most part. He pulls it off ultimately, but there’s a side of this thing that could really put a blade between the ribs of casual masculine dominance in even leisurely situations and it goes underdeveloped. Still, pretty remarkable considering what it gets away with.

Eric:   Oppenheimer (2023): This is the 8th or 9th viewing, I think 8th. I unlocked a new format: in-flight movie! It ate up 3 hours of my flight to Houston, TX but then the flight got delayed in the air due to weather and we circled around for 90 minutes before landing. I kept telling them just before dawn the storm breaks, I know this desert. I was ignored.

Steel Frontier (1995):  A Mad Max knockoff that's surprisingly not as low budget as you'd expect. Some decent stunt work too. It's just pure stupid though. Brion James plays a fascist militia leader. Kane Hodder is in this and they have him wearing a beret that has Jason's hockey mask on it. Come on guys. Give us a little credit. Might as well put a name tag on that guy. Bo Svenson also appears.

Alley Cat (1984): A female martial artist gets revenge on the scum of the neighborhood. This would be a good one to throw on late at night when nobody is around as it's full of sexual assault and is I guess trying to be like Lady Death Wish. It's honestly worth a spin!  

Vice Squad (1982): I never got Wings Hauser as an actor until this. This is why he's cast in stuff, right? He's really good here as a nefarious cowboy pimp that goes on a city-wide rampage. Worth a spin!

Alien 2: On Earth (1980): Italy makes a direct sequel to Ridley Scott's Alien, the xenomorph alien has come to earth, and is conveniently hiding in a darkened cave. You don't see a lot, but dudes do get their heads ripped off. A curio. A whatchit. Not good, but interesting to see this movie get attempted.

Land of Bad (2024): A Dadfernooner for sure. Is it military apologism and hoo-rahing a drone pilot operator? Yes. So yeah, I wouldn't agree with the politics here, but Russell Crowe delivers in this as the guy on the radio with the Hemsworth boys in the field (not Chris. Luke and Lenny, or whatever the other brothers are called.) 

Night Vision (1997): Fred Williamson, Cynthia Rothrock, and Robert Forster in a movie together... in 1997! And it is called NIGHT VISION, of course. 

Crackerjack (1994): Has everything you could want. Thomas Ian Griffith (Karate Kid III's big baddie) as a cop named Jack "Crackerjack" Wild who has to stop an evil Nazi terrorist played by Christopher Plummer. Why yes it's basically Die Hard but model houses explode and breasts are bared, so whaddya gonna do?

Crackerjack 2 (1997): Judge Reinhold replaces Thomas Ian Griffith as Jack Wild in Crackerjack 2 and out-acts everyone, but still brings in a very distinct cheese flavor of his own. I particularly enjoyed the scene where Judge Reinhold wears underwear and fights a guy. 

Steve: Crazy month, right folks! Well, not too crazy to talk about some of the movies I shoved in my face. Also, a moment of silence for my dearly departed New York Knicks and the most fun playoff run they’ve had for 20+ years. Goddamn it… 

I Saw the TV Glow: Add me to the chorus of folks saying this is one of the best movies of the year, well, because it is. Jane Schoenbrun’s dark look at the TV a good deal of people my age (and thereabouts) grew up with, and what that TV meant then and what it means now, really knocked me on my ass. The world itself becomes so absorbing, I really found myself getting sucked in. It’s elegiac, beautiful to look at, and wonderfully acted. I never really had a lot of kind things to say about Justice Smith, but he’s fantastic here.  Not to mention Sir FRED FUCKING DURST, who I literally thought was Stone Cold Steve Austin for a second. Also, the soundtrack? Sad songs of the summer, baby! Count me in! All in all, a must see as far as I’m concerned. 

Three Days of the Condor: I have a tradition of sometimes putting on 70’s blindspots if I have the evening to myself, and that’s how I finally watched this gem. Easily my new favorite Redford. It overcomes what feels to be a totally tacked on love story (elevated by an excellent Faye Dunaway), but the meat and potatoes of the story is so good it doesn’t matter. I love watching Redford’s himbo confidence shaking and then obliterated by the CIA and a very terrifying Max Von Sydow. Also, a phenomenal turn by Cliff Robertson as a company stooge with the most bizarre hairstyle (probably a rug????) I’ve seen in a film.

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes: Yeah, no thanks. I never finished Matt Reeves’ trilogy (not out of malice or indifference), but you can feel how sorely he’s missed here. This is pure IP baiting, plain and simple. What’s worse, is the film feels afraid to make too many choices in this first outing, so it just coyly teases what might be coming. If this Noa character is going to be a great ape leader, he’s far too unengaging here for me to give a shit. And don’t get me started on Nova, a warm glass of water with zero personality. When this movie is actually about a Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (approximately 45 mins of the 2-1/2 hour runtime) it kind of rules. I love Kevin Durand as King Ape with William H. Macy as his cynical human lackey. That’s the movie! I don’t need to see this idyllic Avatar rip-off ape village for the first hour. It gives me nothing. After watching the balls to the wall insanity of Beneath the Planet of the Apes, this movie has soured even more for me. You can save your sequel, folks, because you didn’t put the hard work into making me enjoy your actual movie.

PATREON MAILBAG LIGHTNING ROUND

Here's a fun space where folks on Patreon get to ask us Questions directly. This month's entry comes from 

Alan, from Pittsburgh who asks: “Happy Father's Day to the Big Daddy Dispatch! Who is the worst movie dad of all time?”

 Andrew:  The worst movie dad of all time, huh? That’s tough. Darth Vader is up there, total absentee father for most of his kids’ lives and then out of nowhere tries to drag his son back into the family business? Real asshole stuff there. Robert De Niro’s Dwight Hansen from This Boy’s Life is also a total nightmare father scenario. He’s tossing Leo all over that movie and screaming at him the whole time. Real terrifying behavior, total piece of shit! Btw, you didn’t ask about TV dads, but come on, it’s Jim Walsh.  

Chris: The answer to your question is Christopher Walken in At Close Range. That’s not very fun though, so I will say that Martin Short in Captain Ron is rightfully considered a pretty horrid paterfamilias. He gets worked over on his contracts to rent the boat, and then spends most of the vacation allowing a drunk conman ride roughshod over his attempt at bonding with his rightfully alienated family members. It’s also a terrible idea for a vacation in the first place. You are going to go sailing for what is realistically your first time ever, and not insist on a proven professional named Jeff or Sam who isn’t squeezing your wife’s hips when you’re off reading about boats and making allergy noises? Insane. The fact that his family is alive and still together at the end of that movie is less believable than the computer Jesus as the end of The Matrix: Revolutions.

 Eric: Here's two wildcards since everyone will say Darth Vader or the misunderstood Daniel Plainview: Martin Short in Captain Ron. All he had to do was chill out and vibe with Ron and he couldn't do it! If he was my dad, I'd be furious because this Ron guy seems pretty cool! Also, I think Harry Potter's dad is an asshole. Dude dies and I guess willed that kid to live in an abusive household. What, was there nobody else? Everyone at Hogwarts S's your D. I bet Dumbeldorff would've done it! Raised that boy! And to add insult to injury, dude comes back as a ghost to pester you. Leave the kid alone. You've done enough, Mr. Potter.

Steve: For me it’s gotta be Johnny Lee Miller’s Sickboy from Trainspotting. He’s such a bad movie dad he’s not even a movie dad at the end of the film. RIP Baby Dawn.

Since my answer was so grim, and I’m the last one, I’ll give you my best movie dad, Holmes Osborne in Donnie Darko! He’s starting out from a huge deficit: He’s a George H.W. Bush Republican and a Redskins fan — two of my most hated things — but, he drives Donnie to his therapy appointment and seems genuinely interested in his recovery.  He also doesn’t think Mary McDonnell is a bitch! She’s bitchin’ sure, but not a bitch.

JUNE SCHEDULE

Say what? The schedule in advance?! It's the least we could do! By subscribing to this newsletter you get a sneak peek at what we're putting out in May!

Episode 742 – What Lies Beneath

Episode 743 –Dick Tracy

Episode 744 – Beverly Hills Cop III

Episode 745 – I, Robot

Patreon Episodes:

We Love Movies – Back to the Future III

Animation Damnation: Men in Black: The Series : “The Long Goodbye Syndrome” (s1, e1)

The Nexus: TOS: “Turnabout Intruder” (s3, 24), TNG: “Final Mission” (s4, e9)

Gleep Glossary: Nichos Marr

MelR0210: 90210 “Destiny Rides Again” (s3, e12), Melrose Place: “Psycho-Therapy” (s2, e27)

Once In A Lifetime: Unwed Father (1997)

Q2 Synch-able Commentary: Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

PATREON RSS BUG

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Please consult this page and contact Patreon Support if the problem persists. We apologize for any inconvenience you’ve experienced on Patreon and truly appreciate your continued support!

UPCOMING NEWS AND PROMOTION

On Screen Live continues to kick ass apace each and every Monday at Noon (mostly)! We took a short break after our tour, but we are back and better than ever, chatting it up about movie news, reacting live to trailers, and we’ve also got occasional guests! We are going to have a blast this summer! Check it out on our YouTube Channel!.

We also have all officially sanctioned VHS Trailer Game episodes up to this point. Eric has also put out great clip packages like WTF Exorcism with Marc Merrin, Dr. Loomis is the Worst Doctor, Dilf Den, George Bailey as Michael Meyers, John Wick-Mentary,  Toby Jones in Bee Movie, Sausage Claus, David!Muppet Hitchcock Presents, and many more! You can also watch the entirety of our Witchboardepisode! Complete with visual gags (most of which are almost funny.). You'll find all sorts of cool shit like Mailbags, VHS Trailer Games, Full Episodes likeRampage (2018),Any Which Way You Can, Bram Stoker’s Draculaand Saw III. Like we said above these are great for sharing and introducing folks to the show. There's so much content there we can't list it all here. Just go and subscribe already! 

Hooked on TJ Hooker…Will Return sooner than you think! But until then catch up on the latest episode, where Eric and Ben are talking about Turtle Races (?!), Pseudo Doctor Ruth Radio shows and WOMEN KILLERS, when they review “The Surrogate”  Listen here!

If you're a fan of the show and a fan of looking sharp, you should check out our merch on our TeePublic store! We have some hot off the presses designs by Felipe Sobreiro such as the Too Old For This Shit and Sheenpril Logos as well as A Certain Fat Director enjoying his favorite film filter of all time! We also have "The DILF Den", and a "Crispy Critters" design from friend of the show, Nathan Hamill!  There’s a ton of other great designs like The VHS Trailer Game Logo, Demon-o's Pizza, Egg Lawyer, The Order of the Boop, The Kornkast design and many more, with more to come! 

That's going to do it for this month's Dispatch! See you next month!  

Take it easy,
Andrew, Chris, Eric, and Steve
We Hate Movies