Hiya everyone! Im here with tons to share. Important life stuff (Patreon)

heres a bunch of silly photos from the mountains that made me really happy to just kind of ease into the absolute fucking godzilla sized life update 

Soooo hello, I have lots to share, if you were here in March you probably noticed I disappeared for bit. Well today is a BIG dump of a ton of content I accumulated over the month so that’s fun! Including the set from last month that was promised but I didn’t release.

After I took my month off in February I came back in March feeling very fueled, I was streaming regularly, doing my makeup, making fun tiktoks again and it was great, I felt fucking amazing, and then I don’t know what happened, it just all crashed and burned.

Over the past year a lot has changed, the way I view my art has changed because of how the world is now with the pandemic. I love cosplay and what I do always have, always will but it’s not the same as what I feel in love with anymore. (Don’t worry I’m not leaving)

When I first came to love cosplay I was about 13 years old at my very first convention. We didn’t have wigs, or contacts, not a pre made cosplay store in sight. I wore something in my closet reminiscent of the character I loved and went to this convention with my friends and had a blast. Even if I wasnt “canon”

Over time my passion for it grew, I love practical art, stuff you make that you get to use or make, and I loved learning so many different art forms that were applicable to cosplay. It was so inspiring.

My love for cosplay slowly grew into this, my job and I couldn’t be more grateful and happy that this opportunity happened and is happening but it doesn’t feel the same anymore.

I feel like I keep chasing for that euphoria I used to feel and it’s just not there. The only time I’ve felt it again is when I’m with friends.

I keep wanting it to feel the same as it used to but it doesn’t and I break down thinking I’m broken. I have so many ideas and so much inspiration, I love it right? So why can’t I find the energy anymore?

And I just slipped down this rabbit hole of horrible negative thinking.

My thoughts were plagued by dangerous ideas and impulses. I couldn’t go a day without crying. I kept having huge massive anxiety attacks when I out on makeup. I hated my body, which is what I use for my art, and I didn’t want to show it. I wouldn’t eat or id eat too much And eventually I got so scared to talk to anyone about it.

Which is why I sort of disappeared. I couldn’t bear to face important people to me because I didn’t feel worthy. I felt like I was letting everyone down, and I still feel like I am even when I come bearing art that I am proud of and excited to share.

And it’s funny when I used to call out sick for my baking job, it got covered, the work would get done. But I “call out sick now” and the messes and work piled up, it’s just me and it got more and more overwhelming with impending deadlines and promises. Which really just made my anxiety worse and pushed me down further.

I’m doing the best I can day by day and I’m crying writing this right now. I just felt I owed you all an explanation. You all have always believed in me. And I can’t even begin to thank you enough.

I’m working so hard trying to pull myself back together. Funian and Titania are by my side helping me along too.

I feel like I’m finding myself all over again

But hey isn’t that life?

Doesn’t necessarily need to be a bad thing. And I’m going prove that it isn’t

Just watch me. ❤️