Chapter 133 - Welcome to the Pimpfort, Bitches (Patreon)

From his position on high, Sir Pimpington continues to look down at the party. “Do you guys have somethin’ to do with all this shit? I like the place, don’t get a pimp wrong. But I could take or leave the shit that comes with it.”

Sam whips out her sword with reckless abandon and takes a threatening stance. “STOP TALKING, ASSHOLE! WE’RE HERE FOR THE GIRLS YOU ABDUCTED!”

“Sam, don’t lose your cool.” I try to warn her.

“But... he’s right... fucking... THERE!” Her eyes flash green with anger, eager to run straight at the villain and cut him down where he stands.

‘Sammy...’ Zutiria bites her lips.

“Sam, please don’t...!” Meri whines as she stares at her friend in horror.

“SAM-” I slam my fists on my desk and shout. Peri and Cherry hug each other for comfort at my outburst, while Snow leans at the edge of her seat, staring at the camera screens intently.

The Princess lowers her stance, switching it to a much more defensive one. I breathe a sigh of relief as Meri changes forms to her tower shield, and Zutiria takes a stance in the back row behind the two frontline fighters.

“How the hell did y’all even find out about that? Bitches?” Pimpington looks over his shoulder at his two women for some sort of clarification.

Left Hoe, the black-skinned human with a sizable afro wearing a golden micro bikini, answers him at once. “One of the Catfolk we had our eyes on was nowhere to be found, my Lord. The white-haired one who stood up to you. It’s more than possible she escaped or wasn’t present during the attack but witnessed it went to the Adventurer’s Guild for help.”

“Shiiit. I wanted that bitch, too...” The villain sighs while sadly pulling the brim of his crowned pimp hat over his face.

Snow clenches her paws into powerful-looking fists, her face contorting with rage. “...Can you make it so we can talk to him from afar?”

“No, I don’t believe I-” A new Taskmaster window pops up before my eyes as if on command. It reads, ‘Voice Transmission’ followed by two buttons, ‘On’ and ‘Off’. It’s currently set to off. “...Scratch that.”

I switch the setting to on and close the window, “This is the only chance I’m going to give you, you over-dressed thug. Give back every single Beastgirl you abducted, or my adventurers will put an end to your empire of debauchery once and for all, Sir Pimpington.”

He looks around the large chamber as my speech echoes throughout the room. “What in the fuck?! That voice... you that wordy mothafucka from the tent. Fleetfoot’s reports said yo’ scrawny ass can’t use magic, weird... so what, you sittin’ at home with a Crystal Ball and a Stone of Far Speech while yo’ bitches fight yo’ battles for ya?” Sir Pimpington sneers.

“T-That’s not a very fair criticism for you to make, j-jerk!” Meri stands her ground and joins in on the taunting. “You literally have an army of h-hookers do all your dirty work for you!”

Pimpington stops in his tracks and begins twirling his well-oiled mustache, deep in thought. “A proper pimp is not above self-reflection. I retract my former insult, ya dig? Perhaps we’re not so different, you and I.”

I roll my eyes.

“Not like it makes a difference,” Pimpington shrugs. “You three, what’s he paying you for this quest? I’ll quadruple it for y’all to fuck off and find another Guild to waste away at. Ya feel me? Things are gonna get wild in two months, and you wouldn’t wanna be stickin’ with him by then anyway.”

“It’s not about money, you dickbag.” Sam scowls instantly at the offer.

“That’s right! Master’s Guild is my home, and he needs that gold to improve it a-and make all of our lives better!” Meri blushes. Knowing her, she’s probably thinking about homemaking now...

The party returns his question with skeptical looks before Zutiria answers, ‘The only payment I require is Sir’s love and affection. Something you would know nothing about, I’m sure.’

“...I’d know a lot more about that than you think, witch.” His eyes narrow, making an... almost nostalgic and bitter expression. “Fuck’s sake. Like lookin’ in a mirror, swear to the Gods.”

Before anyone can answer, Right Hoe speaks. “My Lord, the past is the past. You shouldn’t think about such-” The thin, blonde elf with dreadlocks reaches out with her hand to comfort him, only for Pimpington to swat it away.

“I don’t need yo’ bitch-ass to tell me what to think, slut.”

Right Hoe retreats and hangs her head, clutching the golden slave collar that she uses as a whip during combat.

“You still listening, you creepy-eyed fuck?”

“Yes,” I respond. “But I don’t have anything more to say to you.”

“Yeah, well, what if I have somethin’ I wanna say to yo’ greedy, exploitative ass, huh? Are you gonna let a pimp speak his damn mind?!”

For a brief moment, I mute the voice transmission feature and look to Snow, sitting by my side. “The PIMP just called me exploitative, right? I’m not hearing things?”

“...Yes, Myaster.” She replies solemnly, just as confused over the bizarre direction the conversation has taken as I am.

I switch it back on after sighing. “Go on,”

“You Guild mothafuckas are all the same... stickin’ yo noses in books all day, schemin’ up new ways to exploit the dumb, naive, fucks who just wanna go out on fun adventures with their friends and make a name fo’ themselves. I know my optics are bad, girls, I ain’t what you might call ‘trustworthy’... but I been in yo’ shoes before. Y’all know he’s just using you, right? He’s your employer, yet he’s sleepin’ with y’all and not payin’ you for all the shit you do for him? Shit, even I pay my sluts a respectable wage.”

My chair falls over backward, narrowly missing Cherry and Peri as I stand up, enraged. I lean into the center screen and scowl, zooming in as close to the Pimp as I can. “Excuse me, but who the FUCK do you think you are?” I scream loud,

Sir Pimpington’s face narrows once more, “Someone who knows yo’ type. Let me guess. You think it ain’t like that, right? You think you’re one of the GOOD ones, don’t ya... get this. Everyone thinks they one of the good ones. Ya dig?”

“How fucking DARE you think you can lecture me on how I run my business, I-”

“Stop this right fucking now!” Snow grabs me by the arm, urging me to calm myself, but I reject her, yanking away.

“Myaster...!” Peri approaches from the side, trying to do the same.

“Dude, chill the hell out!” Cherry grabs me from the shoulders from behind.

None of it works. I just keep seething with rage... until Sam shouts, “BOSS,” Looking up into the screen, I see my Princess still relaxed as she can be, holding her sword defensively. “Don’t lose your cool.”

...For fuck’s sake.

I sigh and look back at the three Catfolk maids, each panicking from my outburst. This is so unlike me. I... I don’t ever just fucking lose it at the drop of a hat... it can’t be that some part of me actually sees some truth in the Pimp’s words and is ashamed about it, can it?

No, no. Don’t think about it. Don’t lose your cool, I remind myself.

Sighing, I frown apologetically towards each of the maids and turn back to face the screen. “Are you done with your monologue yet, or do we have to keep listening to your bullshit?”

‘I was wondering about that.’ Zutiria admits. ‘Why are you just standing around in an empty room like you were waiting for us? And why waste time acting all stereotypically evil, for that matter? Throwing the glass at our feet was a bit much.’

“...Yeah, I was kinda thinking that, too.” Meri hangs her head, thinking about the novels she’s read lately with overdramatic villains.

“Oh, believe me. I would like nothin’ mo’ than to come down there and finish off the three of y’all once and fo’ all, but... when I came home, shit got weird, alright? Like. I ain’t never seen my good ol’ Pimpfort this tricked out, ya hear me? But even though it’s all fucked, I know where everythin’ is in my head... and even weirder is I can do all kinda crazy-ass shit to the place now, like this!” The pimp snaps his fingers, and all three doors in the chamber open magically, and then they close once again as soon as he snaps them a second time.

“Then along comes this weird fuckin’ voice in my head tellin’ me, yo dude go get your armor and yo’ sword, they’ll be here soon! I ain’t even worn this shit in years! What the fuck, right? Then it’s all like go meet ‘em at the front, look evil and antagonize ‘em.” He sighs tiredly as he begins to slump his shoulders.

“Shit’s too complicated. I’ve been standing up here for the last twenty minutes waitin’ fo yo’ bitch asses to get here. Do you fuckin’ think this pimp WANTS to be up here accumulatin’ leg cramps? Fuck no! Now I apparently gotta go wait in the furthest room in the Pimpfort while y’all go solve puzzles and shit while slowly makin’ yo’ way back to me.” The pimp’s face becomes puzzled before being hit with a realization. “This is all too fuckin’ familiar for my likin’... hold up a sec. Am I fuckin’ dungeon boss now?!”

“Uh...” Sam blinks as if none of that made any sense to her whatsoever.

I look up at the sky. Luxy, what the fuck?

Her answer rings in my head so that only I can hear, ‘I said I didn’t know how this would work! Not my fault it turned him into a stereotypical dungeon boss!’

...Alright, I guess that makes sense. More importantly, it gives me an idea.

“So, you can’t attack right now?” I ask.

“Yes, that’s what this pimp is saying, you deaf mothafu-”

“Zutiria, elect-” I don’t even need to finish my command before her sharp mind catches on.

“Zappit.” The little Mage says as she raises her staff, Sam and Meri scooting out of the way. A small arc of lightning shoots off from the tip of her weapon, zapping the pimp right then and there. He spasms and screams as it courses through his body, electrifying his bones.

“MY LORD!” Both of his henchwomen attempt to catch him, but he falls down about fifteen feet onto the hard, gold floor face first.

‘That’s odd. I didn’t put THAT much mana into the spell.’ Zutiria tilts her head in confusion.

“...That stupid motherfucker.” I laugh to myself under my breath.

“What the shit just happened?!” Cherry asks from behind. Snow and Peri echo similar questions.

“Gold conducts electricity. I thought his armor would be fake gold, but...”

Sam’s shoulders slump as she looks on with immense disappointment. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I wanted a badass boss fight! What the fuck is this shit?!”

Meri places her hand on the Princess’s pauldron, “Sam, I-I think we should just take the win here and not worry about-”

“S... SIKE!” The smoking pimp stands, clearly in pain as the bottom of his coat begins burning from a small, persistent flame. “Y’all think you got me, but-”

“Zappit.” Zutiria whispers, the same arc of lightning barreling out towards the villain at blistering speed.

“YOU THINK I’M SOME KINDA JOKE, DO YA?!” Sir Pimpington thrusts out his left hand with such speed that I almost have to do a double-take. On each finger is a gold or silver ring with an expensive-looking gemstone set in the middle. Without a word of warning, the amethyst ring on his middle finger begins shining. The magic within shoots out a decent-sized transparent barrier that absorbs the lightning before it can hit him, and worse, it reflects it back at Zutiria.

‘Shit.’ Zutiria says with a blank face.

With reflexes almost as quick as the lightning itself, Meri closes the distance between herself and the Mage, barricading the two of them with her tremendous shield. “N-NO YOU DON’T!” Meri clutches her teeth, closing her eyes out of fear. The shield takes the lightning and prevents it from hitting either girl.

As the smoke wafts away from the shield, Zutiria sarcastically flutters her eyes towards Meri. ‘My hero.’

“Ehehe...” The Shield Maiden blushes, happy to do her job.

“Hoes!” Pimpington shouts.

“Fuck you too, asshole!” Sam bites back.

“No, not you three-” He sighs and cradles his face in his palm. “I meant MY hoes. I’ve had enough of this. Pull me up.”

“Yes, my Lord.” They respond in unison, sounding almost artificial by now as they do so. Both Henchwomen throw their collars’ golden chains over the railing, and the pimp grabs hold of them. They pull him up much faster than Zutiria could feasibly whisper another spell, and no one has another long-distance attack that we could use to harass the Pimp from afa-

Meri thrusts her shield out, and it glows from the center of its small, red gratitude crystal. “KITE RAIL!” She shouts, prompting confusion from everyone, including myself.

Her tower shield morphs once more and becomes a triangular kite shield, as one would figure by the name. She’s holding it oddly for a shield of that shape, though. It looks like it’s strapped in place just like her buckler form... but it doesn’t take long to understand why.

The bottom wedge of Meri’s kite shield unhooks itself from the main body, and I notice instantly that the wedge was in the shape of a harpoon. The Shield Maiden grits her teeth and aims her fist at the retreating pimp before pulling down on the shield’s handle like a lever.

Her harpoon missile rends the air as it bolts towards Sir Pimpington, but it’s no use. The villain slices it in two with his rapier as he ascends before flipping backward and landing on his feet with style and grace. “Full of surprises, ain’t ya?” Pimpington comments as his hoes situate their chains.

“I’ll say, Meri.” She blushes when she hears my voice.

“What the fuck was that?” Sam’s eyes open wide, staring at the new shield strapped to Meri’s gauntlet. “You said you only learned three Arts yesterday!”

“I-I wanted it to be a surprise...! I figured out how to unlock another of Mom’s forms yesterday when Nikita was training me... w-we were in such a rush to get here I forgot to mention it...”

‘Fair enough. Will the missile come back?’

“Oh, yes. I can spend more stamina to-”

“YO ARE Y’ALL FUCKIN’ IGNORIN’ THIS PIMP OR WHAT?!” Pimpington shouts from up on the balcony. “Fuckin’ rude ass bitches... I’ve had enough of this, anyway. I’ll be waiting fo’ y’all in the boss room. Reaaaaally hoping once I beat yo’ asses, this’ll all go away cause this pimp don’t wanna stay in one room fo’ the rest of his life, ya feel me? C’mon, hoes. Guard the center of the dungeon. Y’all skanks are on mini-boss duty.”

“Yes, my Lord.”

“WAIT-” Snow clasps my hand, but her voice doesn’t transmit like mine does.

My voice lowers into a threatening growl, saying, “Tell us what you’ve done with the Beastgirls, Pimpington.”

He sighs and looks over his shoulder after turning to walk away. “Nothin’. I stashed them furry bitches in a big ‘playroom’ behind the boss room. Not like I can convince ‘em to work fo’ me when everythin’s as fucked as it is, ya dig?”

Peri and Cherry hold hands and smile, delighted at the good news. Snow, too, breathes a sigh of relief, wiping a small tear from her eye while biting her lip.

“One last thing before I go,” The evil pimp cracks a wicked smile and snaps his fingers. “Y’all are in my world now, so you bitches have fun with that...”

The quiet fountain begins to rumble vigorously as Sir Pimpington and his apparent mini-bosses vanish into the hallway past the balcony door. The door magically shuts, and a comically oversized lock appears overtop of it, brandishing a large keyhole.

Once he’s gone, the statue of the woman with champagne-spewing tits stands from its podium, alive and ready for battle.