One Act (Theatrical Version) (Patreon)

This is just a fun update to thank all of our fabulous Patrons, and in case you have some time to read a creepy thing. 

Background: Abe and I are hard at work on a short film we intend to submit to all the finest festivals (Sturgis Movie Brawl, etc.), as well, of course, as all of the awesome Small Beans comedy beans we'll be unleashing beginning MONDAY, Dec. 11.

In the meantime, thought I'd go ahead and share this script. It's a script for a play called "One Act." It's the play we're condensing down into the short film. I can't share the screenplay version with you yet, but this is the next best thing. Hope you enjoy it!

(Hints: Id, Ego, Superego, Good vs. Evil, Complexity)

One Act

By Michael Swaim

The play is SET at MIDNIGHT in a featureless ALIEN DESERT.

It is CONCERNED with the CHARACTERS called UPRIGHT, an evolving person, HUNCHED, a rule-follower, and AKIMBO, a passionate sadist. 

BARE STAGE. FULL DARK. Two SILHOUETTES, one HUNCHED, one AKIMBO. The hunched one DIGS with a LONG-HANDLED SHOVEL.

HUNCHED (grunting as he digs)

How come I always…unf…gotta do all the…unf…manual labor? We should have…unf…a system that’s more fair.

He takes a BRIEF PAUSE from his labors.

HUNCHED

Like a chore wheel or something.

AKIMBO

I’ll trade ya. Next time, you make the guy dig his own grave at gunpoint out in the cold in the desert with snot frozen to ya while he bitches and moans about his fuckin’ kids, and I’ll sit in the car the whole time, then shove some dirt around and whine about it.

HUNCHED

Grass is always greener I guess.

Suddenly, HEADLIGHTS illuminate them sharply from off-stage. Sound of a CAR DOOR SLAMMING. No other lighting throughout. 

HUNCHED

Why DON’T you wait in the car?

AKIMBO

Cuz you’re the only asshole I know could fuck up fillin’ a hole in the ground.

A third man enters, UPRIGHT. By their dress, all three are MADE MEN. Akimbo wears BLACK LEATHER GLOVES.

UPRIGHT

That’s better, huh? 

AKIMBO

Not really. My eyes just adjusted.

HUNCHED

It’s really the only downside to makin’ ‘em dig the grave; there’s no way they can bury themselves.

AKIMBO

Maybe next time we bring a guy just to bury the other guy, then kill him.

UPRIGHT

But then who’d bury him?

HUNCHED (muttered disgust)

Animals.

UPRIGHT

Yeah, but then you gotta train animals.

AKIMBO

You could chop him up, feed him to the rattlesnakes and coyotes.

UPRIGHT

Or just bury a guy mostly, like have him bury himself except the shoulders and the head, like at the beach. Then kill him, few shovelfuls, boom, you’re done. Not a perfect solution, I grant you, but it would save some time.

HUNCHED

Or, alternately, you could just not kill the civilian in the first place, since it opens the business up to huge liability and is generally a pain in everyone’s ass!

There’s a TENSE SILENCE. Upright looks to Akimbo to see how he’ll react.

AKIMBO

He shouldn’a said what he said.

Another BEAT. Upright gives Hunched a LOOK that shuts him up.

HUNCHED

Anyway, I’m done, let’s get the fuck outta here.

AKIMBO

Gimme the keys, I’m driving. 

Hunched looks CONFUSED, checks his pockets, comes up EMPTY.

UPRIGHT

Ugh. Okay, but we’re not listening to Sinatra.

AKIMBO

We ARE listening to Sinatra, that’s why I’m driving.

UPRIGHT

You’re a walking fucking stereotype. A driving, fucking stereotype.

AKIMBO

Who’m I fuckin’?

HUNCHED

Fuck me.

UPRIGHT

Don’t wanna.

HUNCHED

I don’t have ‘em.

AKIMBO

What.

HUNCHED

The car keys, I don’t…you drove, don’t you have ‘em?

AKIMBO

I didn’t drive; you just remember me drivin’ cuz it’s my car. 

HUNCHED

You don’t know what I think. Don’t tell me what I remember.

AKIMBO

Fuck you. The dead guy drove. Assface, what’s-his-name. Phil. Wormfood phil. The wise-ass.

UPRIGHT

I don’t think worms live in the desert.

AKIMBO

Worms are everywhere there’s dead guys. But fuck that, who has the fuckin’ keys to my fuckin’ car? I’m sober now and I wanna drive to alcohol and fix it.

HUNCHED

I thought you had ‘em! It’s your car.

AKIMBO (to Upright)

Do you have ‘em? You were in the car.

UPRIGHT

I was. I was in the car. But I was just turning the headlights on. It was already unlocked.

HUNCHED

So if you didn’t ever have ‘em, and I don’t have ‘em, and you didn’t get ‘em from the guy, and I buried the guy…

AKIMBO

What is this, the Three Fuckin’ Stooges? You don’t have to list it; they’re fucking buried! They’re in the pocket in the coat on the guy in the ground. Capische?

UPRIGHT

Walking. Stereotype.

HUNCHED

Well, who’s gonna dig him up?

AKIMBO

YOU, fuck-o! It’s your fault the keys—

HUNCHED

MY fault! It’s not my job to—

AKIMBO

If you don’t shut the fuck up in about half a fucking second--

UPRIGHT

Whoa, this isn’t going to accomplish—

HUNCHED

--not my jurisdiction!—I’m not transpo, I’m not murder, I’m just fucking the guy that digs, and I dug, and that’s all I…that’s all. This is patently unfair, I’m not taking the blame for this.

AKIMBO

You’ll take the blame and you’ll take a bullet if I decide that’s what’s appropriate. Dig the guy up.

UPRIGHT

Now, there’s no reason to talk like that now!

HUNCHED

Look, I understand that we exist in a quasi-legal state, but there are rules of our organization, I can’t…you can’t just—

AKIMBO

I can’t? In the middle of nowhere, I can’t do something? There’s something I can’t do in the jungle, with my gun?

HUNCHED

No, because there are RULES! How do you think we make money doing this?! It’s not by killing guys who insult you until coins pop out.

UPRIGHT

Look, no one’s actually talking about killing anyone; he’s just upset. He’s expressing himself. That’s good. I’ll dig. Look, I’m digging.

He GRABS the shovel and starts to DIG. Hunched and Akimbo FACE OFF.

HUNCHED

I am your equal in this organization. I don’t kill guys, but I do a lot of good shit, brain shit, and the boss likes me. You need to show me the respect due a co-worker.

AKIMBO

You need to show me the respect due a lion with a big fuckin’ dick.

HUNCHED

You’re gross. You’re a gross man.

UPRIGHT

I know it looks like I’m miming digging, but I’m really digging. I wouldn’t play you guys like that.

AKIMBO

I took you guys out drinking tonight. That was an honor. That was a kindness. Then some wise fuck said too much and now we’re doing this. I thought you’d return my kindness and help me out without being a fuckin’ pussy about it. Can you do that?

HUNCHED

You understand that you can’t kill me, yes? You’re not so fucking thick you don’t understand who’s made and who isn’t and what happens, right? I need a verbal yes on this.

AKIMBO

I’m not digging. Ever.

Hunched BREAKS AWAY and the FACE-OFF dissolves. He TURNS from Akimbo.

HUNCHED

No, heaven forbid the taker of souls should dig a grave for the men he kills.

UPRIGHT

Only one shovel anyway, and I got dibs, so just shut up, both of you, and one of you go to the car and one of you don’t.

HUNCHED

It’s always this half-assed shit with you, this movie scary shit, you don’t think about consequences at all. You’re like the guy in the movie who doesn’t think about the consequences to an unrealistic degree, but you’re real.

AKIMBO

I think you’re the one not thinkin’ about consequences. Capische, again?

HUNCHED

This is not a movie set, or your nightmarish childhood come to life. This is your job.

AKIMBO

My job is to unleash the beast. That’s what I was hired for. I’m the one takin’ fuckin’ human life in my hands here. Maybe someone else could worry about the fucking goddamn fucking motherfucking car keys!

UPRIGHT

Won’t be long now! Dirt’s just fallin’ off the bone!

HUNCHED

No one told you to unleash the fucking beast! This was not a hit or an energy drink commercial! This was just some guy you don’t like because he made eye contact with you, you sadist fuck! You’re an animal, mutant, abnormal! And worse, you’re bad at your job and your road trip conversation is shit, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

AKIMBO

I’m a sadist? Say dis!

He pulls a REVOLVER on Hunched, who FREEZES stock-still. Upright DROPS the shovel and steps in between them. He SPEAKS back and forth to one, then the other.

HUNCHED

The fuck does that even mean?

UPRIGHT

You fuckin’ ask him that with a gun on you? Have a fuckin’ survival instinct, jesus. Look, this is just shit talk getting out of hand. What’s the point of even talking? Let’s just agree to disagree and the bosses can sort it out when we get back, ok? Everyone can file a complaint card against everyone and it’ll all get worked out.

HUNCHED

You see this shit, right? He’s an animal. He’s out of control.

AKIMBO

I’ll show you a fuckin’ animal. Call me the fuckin’ zookeeper.

UPRIGHT

Hey, you’re not helping right now. He’s right though. There are consequences to killing a made guy, and this you know. Pain in the ass, guys after you, boss yells at you, you die, you get literally killed, later, by other guys like you. Okay? And I’m not threatening you, I’m just being practical.

AKIMBO

Yeah, yeah. 

He HOLSTERS the gun.

AKIMBO

I guess an apology would work.

Upright LOOKS IMPLORINGLY to Hunched.

HUNCHED

No, he needs to apologize. Then I give my word I won’t tell the boss all this shit went down and get him blacklisted.

UPRIGHT

No. Fuck no. Not this bit. Just both of you shut the fuck up so I can dig. Is that acceptable? No one needs an apology. An apology is shit, it’s nothing.

HUNCHED

HE. FORGOT. THE KEYS. Not me. Yet I get blamed for his shoddy work. And it’s always this sloppy bullshit with him.

AKIMBO

Fuck you.

UPRIGHT

Don’t wanna. Ha!

Akimbo PULLS THE GUN and FORCES Hunched to his knees, puts the barrel in his face. Upright PULLS his other arm as he GROWLS with a RISING URGE TO KILL.

UPRIGHT

Oh God, please, man, come the fuck on--

HUNCHED (crying, slobbering)

This ain’t right! You can’t do this! This is fuckin’ murder! I didn’t do anything!

UPRIGHT

Think of all the digging! We’ll have to dig a whole ‘nother fuckin’…come on, please! This is dumb! We’re gonna be in so much shit when we get back!

HUNCHED

I even fudged the numbers for you that time you fucked up the count because you was banging that ugly chick you used to bang!

UPRIGHT

You’re terrible at pleading for mercy!

HUNCHED

It’s all I could think of! No offense, man, I’m just sayin’, she was ugly! By anyone’s standards, a universal ugly. Should I get killed because you like to stick your dick in vaginas that belong to hideously-visaged women? I should DIE for this?

UPRIGHT

It’s just not prudent! It’s not a useful avenue of conversation!

HUNCHED

It’s not against the rules to talk! I’m fuckin’ beggin’ for my life here, let me do it my way! This shouldn’t be happening to me! I’m good, I work hard, he’s the fuckup! He’s the sick, evil, twisted--how about the time he was supposed to pick up sheet cake for the baptism!? Nothin’. Just forgot.

Akimbo SOCKS Hunched in the jaw, sending him SPRAWLING. He WALKS OVER and LIFTS HIM by the SHIRTFRONT. He gets CLOSE.

AKIMBO

I got the cake. I ate the cake. Now you’re gonna dig that guy up, and we’re gonna see how I feel after you dig, and then maybe I’ll have you dig another hole for yourself.

He DROPS Hunched to his feet. Hunched goes and sullenly HEFTS the shovel.

HUNCHED (under his breath)

It’s not fair.

UPRIGHT

Nice. Good deal. This will work.

HUNCHED

My arms are seriously shot though. I’ll need to rest for a while.

AKIMBO

Okay, that’s fuckin’ it—

UPRIGHT

NO!

Akimbo PULLS THE GUN and puts it to Hunched’s face POINT BLANK. Hunch quickly BITES HIS HAND. He recoils, SHOUTING in pain, SHOVES Hunched off, and SHOOTS HIM in the HEART. Hunched DIES on his back.

UPRIGHT

Great. Good.

AKIMBO

Evil little fucker bit me! You believe that?

UPRIGHT

Now I guess I’m digging the guy up, and the other hole. Is that functionally how this is gonna play out now?

AKIMBO

Functionally? Yeah.

Akimbo’s hand HURTS, so he TOSSES the gun carelessly to the ground. There’s a TENSE SILENCE as Upright EYES IT. Akimbo EYES it, and him eye-ing it, and laughs.

AKIMBO

I’m gonna go get smokes from the car. I like to smoke after. Start digging.

UPRIGHT

Yeah, okay.  Okay if I just finish digging up the first guy and then widen that out a little at the bottom? I mean no sense in a whole second shaft, right?

Akimbo EXITS. Upright EYES the fresh body, then starts digging, slowly.

UPRIGHT

And I’m still gonna have to listen to three hours of Sinatra.

Some more DIGGING. Then:

UPRIGHT

Heh, “say dis.” Stupid.

Akimbo ENTERS. Upright starts DIGGING FASTER, looking straight ahead.

AKIMBO

I’m out of smokes. You done digging yet?

UPRIGHT

Nope!

AKIMBO

Okay.

More DIGGING. Akimbo SITS on his haunches, puts his ENTWINED FINGERS on the back of his head and DROPS IT FORWARD, trying to alleviate a HANGOVER HEADACHE by stretching his neck muscles. He THINKS DEEP.

AKIMBO (head down, eyes closed)

What about you, you smoke?

UPRIGHT

Nope!

AKIMBO

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

More DIGGING. Akimbo EYES the fresh body.

AKIMBO

What about him? You know?

UPRIGHT

Do I know him? Yeah, I—what?

AKIMBO

Does he smoke?

UPRIGHT

I don’t know if he smoked. His breath was not good.

AKIMBO

Well then.

Akimbo WADDLES over to the body, staying low, and starts ROLLING IT OVER, searching in all the pockets. Upright STOPS DIGGING.

UPRIGHT

Ah, too soon! Isn’t there a five second rule with stuff like that?

AKIMBO

What, this piece of meat I hated three minutes ago? You romanticize the deceased too much.

UPRIGHT

Hey, how fucked up would it be if you found keys in there?

AKIMBO

Pretty fucked up.

UPRIGHT

Yeah, speaking of, leave him some dignity at least.

AKIMBO

Deal.

Akimbo LIFTS HIM by the legs and SHAKES.

AKIMBO

Fuck, nothin’.

UPRIGHT

You know, and I know this is risky to say, but I’m hoping lightning won’t strike three times here, but you maybe could work on that temper. The dearly departed was not without point there.

AKIMBO

I’m passionate. Plus my dad beat the shit outta me.

UPRIGHT

Right, and I like that. The passion I mean. It’s good for this business. But a lot of people, even made guys, a lot of people, you know…would call this fucked up. This whole night here. Kinda fubar. No upside, like he said.

AKIMBO

That’s what guys say that are scared of killin’ other guys. Soldiers don’t talk about upsides and sparin’ the enemy. What are you, him now? You absorb his fuckin’ spirit?

UPRIGHT

Well, jesus, I mean. I know what we do, but. I still think there’s what we do, and there’s there’s right and wrong, you know? That exists.

AKIMBO

There’s no right and wrong, there’s me yellin’ louder’n you and gettin’ my way. What the fuck you think this business is? (Beat.) Why? You thinkin’ you saw some shit out here? Some crazy shit, the bosses might wanna know? That what you’re thinkin’?

UPRIGHT

No, shit no, that would be a very impractical way of thinking. You know me; always practical.

AKIMBO

Yeah. So far. But this good and evil talk is new.

UPRIGHT

Yeah, well. We all got our inconsistencies.

AKIMBO

Fuck, I wanna smoke!

UPRIGHT

And I ain’t seen you kill a made guy before. I’m kinda seein’ you in a new light. You got self-control problems.

Akimbo GRABS HIM.

AKIMBO

No, YOU do, or you’d stop pokin’ the bear and fuckin’ dig the goddamn HOLE! You know why I left the gun there?

They both EYE the gun.

UPRIGHT

So I wouldn’t get lonely?

AKIMBO

I left it there because I know none of you is like me. You ain’t an enforcer, you sit in fancy hotel rooms and schmooze with the other guys like you. You’ve never killed someone. That’s a barrier. You gotta work up to that, or get used to that. You’re not like that, I am. I know you ain’t gonna kill me, or even try. You got too much “practical” in you. So fuck it, I’ll just tell you now, you ain’t leavin’ this desert. I ain’t getting’ blacklisted and you ain’t gettin’ another sunrise, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be, so we’re both gonna have to live with that. You SURE you don’t smoke?

UPRIGHT

I didn’t think so, but now I’m not so sure. Can I bum one?

Akimbo BEATS HIM. BADLY. Afterwards:

UPRIGHT

Hey, if you were gonna kill me anyway, why’d you make me dig? Or, hell, I guess that’s what we do to folks, huh? S’fucked up.

AKIMBO

So stop me.

They both EYE the gun, then Upright LUNGES FOR IT. Akimbo goes SLOWLY, intentionally letting Upright reach it first. Upright HOLDS IT UP at Akimbo.

UPRIGHT

I’m not gonna shoot you.

AKIMBO

I know. I told you that. 

UPRIGHT

Just get in the car. We’re gonna drive back and tell the bosses about this, and they’ll decide what happens. We need more guys out here to dig or something.

AKIMBO

You know why I really left that gun there? No bullets. A professional could tell just from the weight.

UPRIGHT

But you only fired once.

AKIMBO

Not counting wormfood Phil, who got one in each leg, one in each arm, and a fare-thee-well. (Beat.) Phil Dirt. That’s even better. Shoulda said that.

UPRIGHT

This suuuuuucks. Can’t we just stop this?! 

AKIMBO

Can’t cage the beast once it’s out. Call me a fuckin’…really shitty zookeeper.

Akimbo starts to SLOWLY ADVANCE. Hand SHAKING, Upright INCHES BACKWARD and CONSIDERS. After HESITATING for a long time, SHAKES getting worse, Upright finally tries to quickly CONFIRM whether the gun is loaded. 

Akimbo LUNGES FORWARD and GRABS it from him. He POINTS IT at Upright.

AKIMBO

You gutless shit, of course there’s bullets in the fucking gun! But now I got your fingerprints on the piece that killed a made man. So sure, let’s go talk. Or we can save ourselves both a lot of time and I can just shoot you now.

UPRIGHT

But then you’d have to dig so much. So much digging for he who shall not dig.

AKIMBO

I’ll learn. I’m into personal growth.

He PUTS THE GUN in Upright’s face.

UPRIGHT

Alright, you got me! I unloaded the gun while you went for smokes. I knew it was empty. You’re right; I never could have really shot someone. I thought I could scare you.

Akimbo TESTS THE WEIGHT of the gun, confused. Upright takes advantage of the small distraction to BITE HIM on the hand. He DROPS the gun.

AKIMBO

Aw, you bit me! In the exact same fuckin’ spot!

UPRIGHT

Why reinvent the wheel?

Akimbo LUNGES for the gun again. At the same time, Upright lunges for the SHOVEL. He RUNS FULL-BORE at Akimbo as Akimbo WHIRLS on him to fire, with the shovel’s HANDLE held horizontally in BOTH HANDS. Before Akimbo can SHOOT, Upright has FORCED HIM ONTO HIS BACK on the ground and is using his FULL WEIGHT to CHOKE HIM with the broom handle.

UPRIGHT

Never…unf…let the desperate guy…unf…get on top!

Akimbo STRUGGLES and CHOKES. Upright is not enjoying the experience.

UPRIGHT

Aw, this is taking so long!

AKIMBO

…please…

UPRIGHT

This suuuuuucks.

AKIMBO

I…hate…this…

He finally DIES. Upright DWELLS in the moment for a minute, DEEP BREATHS, then stands, exhausted, and RETRIEVES THE GUN. He STARES AT IT in his hand.

UPRIGHT

Complications ensue.

Upright CONSIDERS options. 

He PACES, examining his surroundings, holding the gun LIMPLY. Finally, he uses his shirt to wipe FINGERPRINTS off the gun, then goes to HURL it into the audience, but stops short. 

Realizing the act of hurling leaves prints, he WIPES the gun again, then holds it using his shirt, and makes to TOSS it awkwardly into the crowd. He STOPS SHORT again, worried about getting enough distance. 

He carefully REMOVES THE GLOVES from the hands of Akimbo’s body, puts them on (having to temporarily hold the gun with his MOUTH in the process), then make to hurls the gun a THIRD TIME. This time he just THINKS OF A BETTER PLAN. 

He looks PLEASED, returns to Akimbo’s body and PLANTS HIS FINGERPRINTS on the freshly wiped gun. He leaves the gun in his hand, removes the gloves, and carefully goes to place them back in Akimbo’s pocket. 

With his hand in Akimbo’s pocket, he FREEZES, looks AWESTRUCK. Slowly, carefully, he pulls a set of CAR KEYS from Akimbo’s pocket and holds them up to the light. 

He SHAKES HIS HEAD sadly, then takes one last look at the soon-to-be crime scene. It meets with his satisfaction, so he turns towards the HEADLIGHTS. 

Just then, the car’s BATTERY DIES, and the headlights DIM and EXTINGUISH. Upright is left in FULL DARK again.

UPRIGHT

…Ha!

THE END.