Diaper Update 8/21 (Patreon)

I saw on reddit a woman's post about her deepest AB fantasy. She wanted someone to raise her from the age of 0. For literal years, she wanted to role play a caregiver teaching her how to crawl, walk, eat, potty train, etc. She wanted to re-live all her major milestones. After a couple years, they’d restart again! I thought it was a really interesting idea. It got me thinking about my own life milestones I need to re-learn…

I haven’t seriously thought about training out of diapers, but it’s been on my mind recently. There are drawbacks to being 24/7. It’s not just all autonomy from the bathroom and restful nights. I’ve mentioned going through mental roadblocks before. I think I might be  going through a little one again right now.

I’ve been contemplating trying a “Second” potty training. What I’m thinking is for the next couple weeks or month, I’d attempt to retrain part of my muscles, and try to make it to the potty on time when I need to go. I’m not sure how I’d approach that yet; but I might just go through it like we all did before. Wear diapers, and try to making it before I have an accident. I did a little trial run for laughs and giggles. I switched out of diapers for the afternoon, and just wore a pull-up. The goal was to try to get as much as I could into the potty. Sounds easy enough right?

It went as good as you’d probably expect for me...

To be frank, I don’t feel the same “full” signals like I used to. Like I don’t have a mental meter of how much I have to go anymore. It’s either I’m going, or I’m not going. There’s no inbetween. So that’s what I had to pay attention to. The best I could do was recognize I was peeing myself, run to the potty, then get as much as I can into the bowl.

When I first put it on I was laser focused on my bladder. I tried to recognize even the slightest signal from my body or pull-up… I didn’t even get 10 minutes in before my pull-up was already wet, and I didn’t even know!!! It’s so hard to stop dribbles. My muscles aren’t strong enough anymore to hold them back. It’s crazy to say, but I cannot stop myself from peeing. My muscles are set to ON, and there’s nothing I can do about that right now.

It wasn’t surreal when I proved the fact I have zero potty training anymore. I’ve known that for months now. It was weird though getting that reaffirmed. I guess in the back of my mind I’ve always thought if I really needed to hold it for say five or ten minutes, I could maybe do it. But that’s not happening now. It doesn’t matter if I’m in front of an audience of a million people. I’m peeing my pants.

When I tried listening to my bladder. The most I could feel was that something was happening. But what was that something? Am I going? Am I filling up? Have I already gone? I don’t know. It’s a mix of my muscles atrophying, and mentally, I haven’t been paying attention to my bladder for over a year. Use it or lose. I don’t have the mental ability to recognize what’s happening to my bladder muscles anymore.

I stopped after an hour. I was using my pull-ups like diapers anyways, so I went back into a Northshore. I still tried though! When I changed, I sat on the toilet and tried to push. It was weird pushing down on my body like that again. What I noticed is I couldn’t push for very long before those muscles got tired out. I got a couple squirts in, but again, for the most part it was dribbles that I didn’t know I was dropping in the first place.

I tried paying attention again…. But my habits got the better of me. I started doing other things around the house. I told myself I needed to keep an eye on it, but it honestly fell into the background. I forgot I was even trying. That’s how automatic it is for me to just go. That’s what I’ve learned the most from this little experiment. I’m no longer just physically dependent on diapers. I’m mentally dependent on them now.

I haven’t used any brain power on monitoring my bodily functions for so long. It felt like a chore. I know it used to be automatic for me to recognize the need to go. But god damn. It takes so much forethought now haha. That’s going to be the first hurdle I need to clear if I’m going to do this. I have to re-train going through all the steps. It’s like I have to relearn them from the beginning again.

Honestly, I love it. I know it’s so weird to people who aren’t part of this kink. But being physically and mentally unpotty trained makes me feel like myself. I only want to go through it all again because I think it’d be fun to have genuine accidents again. I mean I have accidents all day everyday. But I don’t know if they’re ‘accidents’ anymore. Part of it being an accident is you’re peeing yourself when you don’t want to. I pee freely now into a diaper. It’s all planned out. I don’t know, I guess I’m just looking to break the routine!

What do you guys think? I think it’d be interesting to at least try it out! I highly doubt I’d ever get back to panties if I even wanted to. I can’t imagine myself getting past urge incontinence issues for potentially the rest of my life. I’m okay with that!! I knew it was a downside when I signed up for it. But yeah, I might try it for a month or two.

I did want to mention my bowel incontinence in this update. I’m trying to slow my progress there. Being in the office means I probably shouldn’t smell like messy diaper in the middle of a meeting. Right now, whenever I’m at work and feel the urge to mess, I instantly get up and go to the bathroom. Generally I can make it before having an accident. I usually go about 3-4 times a day. In a week, I’ll mess on my way there maybe once. It’s never super bad though, usually I bring my “purse” (diaper bag), ball it up in a plastic bag, then throw it out later. It all depends on how much I’ve had to eat, and how long I wait to go.

Emphasis on TRYING to slow my progress. When I’m at home, it’s still a free for all. Again,  mentally I’m getting lazy. I always feel when I’m messing myself, but it’s automatic now. I wouldn’t have much time to stop it before it comes out on it’s own. Also when I’m messy, it’s really hard to tell when I’ve gone again. It just feels like mush back there. Oftentimes I’ll get up and be surprised at how messy I actually am. So in general, I don’t think that’s helping out my control in the office very well, but it’s fine enough for now.

“Yeah a couple messy accidents a month at work is alright” lol. The things we tell ourselves.

Last note here on stories and stuff. I’m not starting any new stories, but I’m going to be wrapping up the current ones soon! By the end of September, I’m planning on ending the following stories:

Mental

Serenity

Living With This

Summer Days

Then we’ll spin up new ones! I’m not sure what the subject of new stories will be yet. But I’m open to it. I’m also thinking about seriously doing a choose your own adventure for the All Access tier. I don’t think I want it to be a “Will character do X, Y, or Z?” I think I might have it where people give me little suggestions as to what they want to see in a story (For example, have an accident in public, messy accident, crying, etc) and go from there. Plenty coming soon.

Thanks for reading guys. Be well, and I’ll catch you next month!

MC