Living With This Chapter 4 (Patreon)

“You don’t have to wear it. I know this isn’t your thing. I don’t want to pressure you into this if you don’t want to do it. I’d completely get it if you… didn’t…..” Maggie said, stopping as Amy placed a quieting finger on her lips. Her lipstick red smirk paired well with a wink.

“Shh, Maggie. It’s okay. I think it’s a brilliant idea.” Amy said, clutching a folded Bambino Bellissimo in her hands. Maggie still couldn’t shake an uneasy look.

“You mean that? It’s just… this will be the first time you ever wore a diaper in public, and I get how that can be scary.” Maggie said back.

“I’m not worried about that. We’ll be wearing jackets, that’ll be plenty to hide the diaper bulk. Besides, I’d rather have them on anyways while we’re at the party. We can drink as much as we want, and we won’t have to stop to use the bathroom.” Amy said. She gently pushed Maggie to the side and placed the diaper on the bed. She started unfolding the front and back onto the blankets.

Maggie didn’t know what to say at first. Offering to wear diapers out to this party was a joke in the first place. She didn’t think Amy would take it seriously. This was her college, and they were going out with Amy’s core friend group. How she was so nonchalant about wearing one of the bulkiest diapers on the market, in front of her friends, was beyond Maggie. Furthermore, suggesting she’d use them when this wasn’t even her fetish in the first place? Maggie stared in awe at the unicorn of girlfriends.

“You’re not real. Do you know that?” Maggie said to Amy. She chuckled before plopping her bum onto the open diaper.

“Hey, I’m not just doing this because of you.” Amy said, looking down at her future underwear, “I think they’re kind of cute. Now hurry up and tape me in, I still need to change you, and we’re already running late!” Amy said, Maggie quickly grabbed the powder off her desk. The room filled with puffs of white soft scented baby powder moments later.

“Your ass looks perfect.” Maggie said, ten minutes later when they walked out into the cold night air. She was right, the puffy diaper wrapped tight around Amy’s jeans. You could still make out the bottom half of her bum from beneath her jacket. The diaper made it pop. With the cover of night, it was difficult to make out any tell-tale diaper creases. She looked like a skinny redhead with an ass that bites.

“Yours too.” Amy said, giving it a playful whack. Maggie felt the diaper compress under the hit. The scent of baby powder wafted into her nose. The two started walking down the sidewalk.

“I was so worried about everyone seeing our diapers.” Maggie said, crossing her arm around Amy’s, “But realistically, I think people might smell our diapers.” She said, Amy, shrugged.

“Who cares?” She said, looking from the road to Maggie. “If someone notices we’re wearing diapers, what are they going to say? ‘Hey, you! Over there! You’re wearing a diaper! Do you hear that everyone? Those two girls over there are wearing DIAPERS!” Amy exclaimed, Maggie’s head snapped to check if anyone was around them.

“Hey! Haha, keep it down will yeah?” Maggie chuckled, Amy still didn’t seem phased by their situation.

“You worry too much, Maggie. This is going to be a fun night.” Amy said.

This was everything to Maggie. Just setting up this moment to be together was already difficult. Maggie and Amy lived more than three hours away from one another now. It was the right college fit for both. Through pain, patience, and communication as their backbone, they’d made it work into their Junior years of college. It wasn’t an ideal situation by any means. But it’s what you do when you’re in love with someone.

Despite the distance, Amy never failed to find a way to indulge Maggie in her diapered desires. Diapered skype calls had become a monthly occurrence. Maggie’s diaper was always a little soggier by the end of it compared to Amy’s, but she made up for it by throwing out baby talk in the end when it inevitably got frisky. Coupled with weekly diaper or pacifier pics, it was all she could ask for. That’s not even mentioning the hypnosis she was happy to listen to at night. Even Maggie noticed her rising thumb sucking habit at night when they got the chance to sleep together. “Is my thumb supposed to have dry drool on it in the morning after listening to this?” She’d ask. Of course, it was.

This night was important to Maggie. She wanted to savor every minute she had with Amy. Head over heels was an understatement at this point.

“Hey if we get lost just call or text me, I’ll make sure I’m looking at it periodically if I don’t see ya.” Amy said, as the two approached the door. Loud thumps of music emanated from the house. Bright lights flashed from behind the drawn curtains.

“I’m sure I can find my way around.” Maggie said confidently. She wasn’t one to stay attached to her girlfriend's hip the whole night, even if she was familiar with this place. She’d attended a couple of Amy’s friend’s house parties before. She understood the vibe. Maggie grabbed Amy’s arm just before she opened the door.

“Oh, and again, don’t worry about using them if you don’t want to.” Maggie said, coming off as empathetic. Amy looked smug as she leaned into Maggie’s ear.

“I’m already wet.” Amy said.

Maggie couldn’t speak. Every nerve in her body ignited. The love in her chest burned white-hot.

Amy snapped back to the door and swung it open. She grabbed Maggie’s hand and dragged her in before the party swallowed her whole.

***

Maggie poured the beer into the second cup. The same action occurred between her legs. Legs of pee cascaded into the damp padding below. She was swimming in a hut tub of piss. Amy had been dead on, no one expected a thing in the party. To them, they were girls with abnormally thick bottoms.

“I gotta watch how much I pee peee…” Maggie thought to herself, finding it all too easy to let go at a moments notice. She didn’t mean for it to spill out so quickly, all the beers inside of her simply demanded to come out. “I don’t want to smell too much like diapie.” She thought, before Amy’s words drifted back.

“Who cares?”

Any resistance to the flow diminished. Maggie’s trickle grew into a monstrous river of pee. The diaper easily handled the accident. By the weight of it, Maggie could tell she was roughly halfway full. Maggie knew from experience the bambinos could take 6-8 heavy wettings before she had to worry about leaking. She wouldn’t turn down a change though if this party happened to have changing table around…

“Hey, here’s your beer!” Maggie yelled to Amy through the noise. She looked back from her conversation. She could tell from her girlfriend’s lazy expression that it was hitting her. She flashed a smile back at her girlfriend.

“Thanks, Babe.” She said, grabbing the red cup from Maggie. She knocked it back instantly, downing nearly half the cup in one gulp. She leaned in again, “You might want to change me soon. I think this thing might be getting to it’s max.” Amy said.

“Damn girl, how much have you had?” Maggie said, Amy responded with a giggly shrug.

“I don’t know, but I’ve dumped at least four beers worth of pee into this thing. It’s soooo easy to go when you’re drunk! I might have to wear these more often when I drink. Just going fucking rocks!” She said, her body beginning to jump to the rhythm of the music. She knocked the beer back again. Maggie didn’t fight the words. The liquid courage let them spill out of her.

“We could just wear them all the time.” Maggie said hopefully.

Amy didn’t respond with words, she shot back with a wink. She placed the nearly empty cup on a windowsill next to her.

“Come on.” She said, motioning Maggie toward the main dance floor. “Moving will make it all come out faster.” She said, slipping into the bodies of people dancing around one another. Maggie happily followed behind.

Maggie felt the moment etch deep into her memory as it played out in front of her. Amy moved perfectly to the beat. She ditched her winter jacket long ago. Dancing only in a purple tank top, and jeans. If you looked down at her waist, you could see the slight peek of her diapered waistband. If you stared long enough, you could easily figure out she was wearing a diaper. In the heat of the moment though, the music blasting, everyone blurring around each other, Amy didn’t care. Maggie felt the anxious walls of her fetish fall. One of the rare moments in her life when they did.

Time didn’t matter to anyone. The music blended from one song to the next. Maggie didn’t pay attention to her bladder. Her drunk brain knew she was protected. She primed herself earlier that night by letting go completely. Her body was simply following orders at this point. Trickles of pee jetted into her diaper while her feet crashed onto the floor. She only realized how full she was when the crotch of her jeans started to feel damp and cool.

“I’m leaking.” Maggie thought, looking down between her legs. She placed a hand in between her thighs. Small crescent wet stains sat below her ballooned diaper. They weren’t noticeable at this point, especially under the dim lighting. Maggie’s diaper was at maximum capacity. She desperately needed a change. “If I’m leaking now, then how is Amy?” She thought, swinging her head to the person next to her.

Maggie couldn’t tell the state of her pants at first. She had to wait until a stray flash of light illuminated her waist. When she finally got the light she was looking for, she gasped. Amy’s pants hand thick crescent stains growing around the outsides of her diaper. Nothing streaming down her legs yet, but it was clear that she too was dancing in a leaky diaper.

“Hey, wanna head back?” Maggie said, to Amy. She looked back with hazy eyes. It took her a second to register the words. Amy looked down at her watch.

“Yeah, we can go. I think I need a change too. I might be leaking!” Amy said. She yelled the last part as if it were a joke. Maggie couldn’t comprehend how lackadaisical she was about wearing a leaky diaper in the middle of a crowded party.

“You certainly need a new diaper on.” Maggie said playfully, tugging at Amy’s arm to leave. Amy followed her between the bodies to the door. It took them a couple of minutes to find their coats in the pile. Eventually, they got their jackets, opened the front door, and stepped back into the cold New England night.

“Thank you so much for all of this.” Maggie said, she still felt drunk even after dancing some of it off. Amy was still feeling it too.

“I love doing this for you. It always makes you so happy.” Amy said, placing a hand on Maggie’s face.

“Do you think you would be okay with wearing diapers more often in the future? Even when we’re not at a party?” Maggie said, the drunk haze pushed out all the conversations she was too nervous to have sober. Amy didn’t respond to her at first. She let the question linger between them while walking underneath dim lamp posts.

“I like making you happy.” Amy said, “I don’t want to wear them as you do. This isn’t my fetish.” She said, she watched Maggie’s face sink. “But,” She continued, “that doesn’t mean it isn’t attractive to me to watch you turned on. If wetting diapers makes you happy, then I’m happy to do that for you. I think they’re cute, and maybe someday I could see myself getting more comfortable with them, but that’s where I’m at right now.” She said. Maggie knew that was fair. In fact, it was more than fair. To have someone even partially indulging her fetish, let alone wearing in public, was a blessing. She reminded herself of these realistic expectations while they walked in silence for a few minutes.

“You know.” Amy said to break the silence, “That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wear one to bed tonight.” She said in her usual playful tone, “I’m going to be peeing these beers out all night. Might as well be in my bed.” She said. “Besides, that hypnosis makes me think I’m wearing one at night anyways. I won’t have to be disappointed to realize I’m not in one and I have to get up. I can just wet the bed.” She finished.

For the second time that night, Maggie felt her body enter a level of emotion she didn’t know was possible.

***

“You truly felt for her.” Lisa said, taking the story in.

“She was my first love. You don’t have any barriers to that. I was ignoring all the glaring red flags along the way. Yes, she was good to me with my fetish, loved me, and genuinely wanted me to succeed in my career; but she had a horrible family life that was partially her fault, she put a lot of her mental health issues on me, and she struggled with substance abuse all through college. Hard abuse too.” Maggie said, doing her best to not sound melancholy.

“You couldn’t fix her. That was her responsibility. As much as we try to save the others we love, it’s not up to us. In the end, they’re the only ones who can produce real change in their lives.” Lisa said.

“When we broke up, we talked a lot about my fetish.” Maggie said, looking up from the hands in her lap.

“What was it? If you don’t mind me asking.” Lisa responded, sounding genuinely interested.

“She told me that my diaper fetish was just sexual. She could tell it was a deep part of me. The fact I talked to her about incorporating it into my everyday life on multiple occasions meant something. She also told me the guilt I had was misplaced.” Maggie said, she could feel the tears forming. She didn’t stop them.

“I shouldn’t feel bad for who I am. AB/DL is who I am. It’s more than just those words. You can choose your career, how you act around people, your appearance, but you cannot change the way you see yourself. She knew I pushed that part down every day. It sucks, Lisa. I fucking sucks. I don’t want to feel bad about how I am. I wish I could wake up one day and say, ‘Yeah, I like diapers, I want to wear them every day, and I wish I was a baby again. And don’t know why, but I do, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’ There is a serious part of me that wishes I never grew up. On the other side of that coin, I have a strong sense of guilt toward those emotions. It feels like an illness in my brain that needs to be corrected.” Maggie said, letting the tears this time fall down her cheeks.

“Maggie,” Lisa said, handing the box to her. “You are more in-tune with your child-self than anyone I have ever met. That’s not wrong. That isn’t a mental illness. That’s beautiful. The person you were as a child has lived on into your adult life. In the end, the notion that these personalities are split inside of you isn’t even true. Your ‘adult-self’ and ‘child-self’ they make up yourself.” Lisa said, pausing for a moment, “Some people believe they need to be told it’s okay to feel this way, and then all your guilt will go away after that. I’ve found there are more steps to it after you’ve learned that truth. Embrace who you are. Wrap it into your self-identity. Make it who you are every day, then you will no longer have to worry about what the world thinks of you. The people who truly love you will rejoice to know you’ve accepted this part of you. We all want you to know that. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’ll have to work on it every day, learning that these two parts of you are one, but over time you’ll feel that guilt subside. You’ll accept that you don’t have to move on from your childhood thoughts and feelings. Because Maggie, you never had to in the first place.” Lisa said.

Maggie’s neck was craned down to the side. Her hand shielded her eyes from view. She moved it away from her face to the couch cushion. She pushed off with her arms and stood up. Lisa did the same. The embrace happened naturally. She didn’t try to stop her tears from hitting Lisa’s shoulder.

She didn’t have to. Maggie didn’t have to stop herself from feeling.