Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 81 (Patreon)

Hi all!

Gonna keep it brief, because I need to start signing some books from the Black Friday sale! Will have some updates at the start of next month, but am on a time crunch cause that's just all I do anymore is crunch time between my teeth like temporal Captain Crunch, only without shredding the roof of my mouth.

Hope this chapter finds you well. Thanks to the current group of betas, there were plenty of mistakes to be had (and maybe a continuity error or two).

Anyway, this chapter is appropriately called

What in the Dickens?

“And then there were two.” Lily scowled at the fireplace. While she had been more than a little angry that Mike had asked her to stay behind, the rational part of her understood why. Nothing would give her more pleasure than antagonizing that elf. Lily could tell that Holly had quite the body hidden underneath her Santa slave-wear. Goading the woman into a sexual encounter sounded positively delightful.

The emotional part of her wanted to rip someone’s face off and eat it.

“Not quite, my young demoness.” Death moved toward the tree and knelt down to pick up a package. “Tick Tock is not human, so I assume that he is in a wakeful state.”

As if in response, the lid of the gift slid to one side and a ribbon emerged, hanging over the side like a dog’s tongue.

“We got left behind, bone daddy. We’re just warming the bench until they return. I’m surprised that you offered to stay. Don’t you want to see the North Pole? Meet your big fat hero?”

Death chuckled. “Ah, but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.” He hopped onto the bench of the sleigh and set Tick Tock next to him, then picked up the reins. “On Dasher, on Dancer! On Francis and Plissken! On Gromit, on Stupid! On Dahmer and Blumpkin!”

Lily scowled. “Those aren’t their names.”

“Those are the names Tink told me.” Death turned to examine Santa’s bag. “I wonder if there are any other presents in here for me? Or perhaps there’s one for you?”

“If the legends are any metric, I should have a nice big rock in there.”

Death ignored her, his arm already buried deep in the bag.

“How do you suppose he finds the presents? Is there some kind of order to them? Holly gave me that compass earlier without looking, so maybe I just need to think really hard…” The flames in Death’s eyes swirled as he pulled a gift the size of a toaster out. “Aha, look!”

He tilted the present toward Lily, a smug look on his face as he tapped the label.

“No shit?” Puzzled, Lily took the box. “How do you know it’s for me and not some other Lily?” She examined the label, and saw Lily the Succubus written on the tag in golden calligraphy. “Okay, that’s fair. It’s heavy.”

“Open it! Open it!” Death was gripping the side of the sleigh so tight that his fingers dug into the velvet upholstery. “Let’s see what Santa got you!”

“This is ridiculous.” She slid her finger beneath the wrapping paper to rip it, then stopped. A cold breeze moved across the back of her neck and tickled her ears. “Do you feel that?”

Death paused. “Feel what?” He gave the sleigh a squeeze. “It feels nice. I think it’s mahogany.”

In the kitchen, something fell on the floor with a metallic clatter.

“I thought there was no one else outside the time lock.” Lily set the package down on the seat and walked toward the kitchen. The dining room was dark, as the lights had been off when time froze. However, the kitchen light was on, and she could see a moving shadow within. There was muttering, followed by a wet slurping sound in the kitchen.

Turning the corner, she found herself staring at a large figure huddled over the sink. It had pulled one of the pans out of the drying rack and was licking it with a tongue the size of Lily’s forearm. Its sloped, abnormally large face terminated in a bulbous nose with thin slits for eyes.

Lily froze, stunned by what she was seeing. The window above the sink was cracked open a couple of inches and she could feel the cold from where she stood. The creature hadn’t noticed her yet, and she wondered briefly about the fluid dynamics of air in a time stopped world. Was this creature an undiscovered local? Or had it snuck in somehow?

The lumpy figure grunted in disgust and threw the pan to the floor. It sniffed at the other pans, drool hanging from its lips.

Snapped from her reverie, Lily slapped her hand on the countertop. “Hey! Potato face!”

The figure turned to look at her, its mud-colored eyes going wide. Growling, it grabbed another pan from the drying rack, then threw it at Lily so hard that the impact knocked her to the ground. Before she could rise, the creature was on top of her, its thick fingers wrapped around her throat.

She tried to say something witty, but the bastard was squeezing too hard. Even if this thing ate mold from inside the walls to keep the house clean, it had officially earned an ass-beating. She willed her tail to appear and stabbed the thing in the neck, injecting it with sleeping venom.

“Ur?” The creature blinked, then stumbled backward and fell on its butt, rubbing at where she had stung him.

“Yeah, that’s right, go to sleep, asshole.” Lily stood and rubbed her neck. The torn skin closed up beneath her hands as she waited.

The creature growled at her and jumped to its feet, shaking off her venom.

“Fuck me,” she swore as the thing ran toward the sink. It jumped at the window above it and turned into mist, passing through the gap.

“Lily! Help!” Death’s voice was filled with panic, so Lily grabbed a pair of knives from the knife block and ran back toward the living room. Death was sitting in the sleigh, trying to shove away a pair of figures similar to the one from the kitchen. One of them wore an ugly green hat, while the other had large teeth that protruded from its bottom lip. Both of them were fighting to pull Santa’s bag from the sleigh, but Death was wrestling them away.

“Use your scythe,” she yelled as she held up the knives.

“It only works on spirits,” he replied. “Also, these things are quite strong.”

Lily leapt into the fray, aiming the knives for the figure in the hat. Both of the knives cut through the burlap vest the thing wore, but slid across its skin without injury. The creature spun around and clubbed Lily in the face with a meaty fist, knocking her away.

“No!” Death was now sprawled across Santa’s sack, the drawstring pulled tight beneath his body as the creatures tried to pull him away. “These are not your toys!”

“Okay,” Lily muttered as she moved toward the sleigh. “Let’s try this again.”

She stabbed both of the creatures with her tail, knowing that there would at least be a temporary effect. They both turned to face her, spreading their arms wide as if to catch her.

“If you think being pinned between two idiots frightens me, you’ve got another thing coming.” She could see that Underbite’s eyes were glassing over, while Hat’s eyes were wide with rage. Crouching down, she leapt into Underbite, pushing it to the ground and stabbing it several times with her tail. The creature moaned, its eyes fluttering.

One down, Lily thought with a smirk. One to go.

Hat grabbed her from behind by the tail and whipped her into the sleigh. Grunting, she tried to grab hold of something as she was dragged across the floor, but the object came loose and fell with her. It was her present, and she couldn’t help but grin when she saw her name glistening in the light.

“Sæt stelpa.” Hat grinned at her as it crouched over her torso. The smell of damp soil and mold was overwhelming, and its breath wasn’t much better. Hat cocked a fist over his shoulder while grabbing Lily by the neck.

She smashed her present into his face, knocking his hat off. The creature yelped and clutched its nose as it stumbled away from her, leaking green blood on the floor.

“Now use this one!” Death cried as he picked up Tick Tock and tossed him to Lily. She caught the mimic while still lying on her back, and then took aim with both hands.

“You know the drill, toaster.” Lily threw the mimic at the now hatless creature. Tick Tock unfolded in mid-air, revealing bladed limbs that scratched and stabbed. Hatless cried out and ran across the living room, toward the fireplace. Like the creature in the kitchen, it folded into itself and turned into a green mist that shot up the fireplace.

“Oh, Lily.” Death knelt down to pick up her gift. “I’m afraid the package tore.”

“What the hell was in this thing, a rock?” Lily took the remains of her gift from him and tore the paper away. “Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

“That…is a very big lump of coal.” Death frowned. “I suppose it’s the thought that counts?”

“Fuck that.” Lily dropped the heavy chunk of anthracite. It gouged a chunk of wood out of the floor and she gave it a kick into the living room, leaving a furrow in the wood where it landed. “These assholes just broke into our home, Death. OUR HOME. They aren’t supposed to be able to do that, and I’m about to find out why.” She moved toward the remaining creature on the floor and stabbed him a few more times for good measure. If the creature wasn’t asleep already, it was faking it really well.

“I am worried for the others.” Death sat down on the bench of the sleigh. “This was supposed to be fun.”

“We have very different ideas of fun.” Lily put her hand on the creature’s head and frowned. Even though it was asleep, its dreams were impenetrable. Instead of sinking into its Dreamscape, all she got were fleeting images, most of them of the sleigh itself, followed by the bag.

“Well?” Death sounded worried.

“They’re here for the sleigh and the bag.” Lily moved her hand away and wiped it off on the burlap vest. “If we leave it here, more of them will come. Since they aren’t frozen in time, they must have come from the North Pole, too.”

“Santa’s helpers?”

“Nope.” While she hadn’t understood most of the images, the intent had been clear. Whoever these guys were, they hated Santa with a passion. “And there are more of them, like one big ugly family.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Death reached down to the floor where Tick Tock came waddling up on metallic legs. He picked the mimic up and set him on the seat. “We must not judge based on appearances. But yes, they would seem to be assholes.”

“We need to move it somewhere else.” She frowned as she contemplated her options. There was nowhere in the house that was airtight, and she certainly didn’t want the place to get trashed. “How the heck do we even move it, though? I’m strong enough to pick it up, but it’s bigger than any of the doors.”

“Ah, but Holly got it through the fireplace, did she not?” Death began searching the sleigh. “I am willing to bet there’s some sort of user’s manual we can look at.”

“Death, I understand that this whole childish naivety thing is your schtick, but there’s no way that Santa has—”

“Here it is!” Death had lifted the seat beneath him to reveal a small journal with a cover made of wrapping paper. He flipped through the pages and nodded to himself. “Oh, good. It has a table of contents.”

Lily blinked in surprise. “Why the hell does Santa need a user’s manual for his sleigh?”

“Have you not been watching all those Christmas movies? Santa is always getting in trouble and someone has to come help him. It makes sense that he would—aha!” Death flipped through the pages and nodded. “Um…some of these words are too big for me.”

“Let me see.” She took the book from Death and looked at the page he was on. “In the event that the sleigh must be transported through confined spaces, it will automatically utilize the properties of relativity and length dilation to…” She felt her eyes glaze over as the description was followed up with a mathematical proof. “I think it’s saying it will just fit, because reasons.”

“Aha!” Death’s voice was filled with glee, and Lily looked up to see that he had pulled a large red velvet coat from under the seat. He belted itover his robes, and the fabric draped awkwardly, the cut designed for a much thicker figure. “I knew he would have a spare!”

“Why would…y’know what? It doesn’t matter. We need to get this somewhere safe, but where?” She looked at Beth, still frozen in place. “Do you think we need to take her with us?”

“Ms. Holly said that time is stopped everywhere but the North Pole and where the sleigh is. Once we leave, the house will be safe.”

“But that also means that those creatures must have come through when the sleigh did. So why didn’t they do anything?” It occurred to her that they had only revealed themselves after everyone else had left. If that was the case, then was it just the three of them? Or were there more? Were those things now time locked outside the sleigh’s range, or was there some other magic at work here?

“Everywhere else on Earth is frozen in time,” Death informed her. “So we cannot expect to receive help from anyone on Earth. Perhaps the centaurs could assist us?”

It wasn’t a bad idea, so Lily got behind the sleigh and pushed it toward the back door. When they reached the hallway, the sleigh narrowed down to fit. Death, while in the driver’s seat, squeezed down as well.

“How fascinating,” he muttered. “The whole hallway has become larger to accommodate us!” He turned to look at her and grinned. “And you are much wider as well!”

Lily ignored him. When they got to the door, a cold gust of wind came from nowhere and the door opened by itself while playing a sound like jingling bells.

“Ugh, enough of that Hallmark shit.” She pushed the sleigh outside and the door shut itself as the sleigh expanded to its previous size. The shortcut to the centaur village was through a small hut that had been built near the edge of the property. The sled felt surprisingly light on the snow, as she maneuvered it toward the hut.

Up above, she heard the scrambling of feet on the roof. She looked up to see six figures staring at her from above, each one glaring at her with malice.

Lily didn’t like that they were outnumbered, and was concerned that the figures hadn’t acted yet. It was like they were waiting for something, and it couldn’t be good.

When they got close to the hut, Lily opened the door and looked inside. A large rat portal had been chewed into the back of the hut, and she ran through the portal into the yurt on the other side. Shoving the flap open, she started to call for help but paused.

The centaur village was silent. At a nearby fire, the flames were frozen in place as a storyteller was in the midst of sharing a tale with a small group of centaur children. Across the yard, a tent flap was in mid-curl behind a centaur woman who had just exited and was now frozen mid-stride.

Lily ran back through the portal, licking her lips nervously. The centaur village wasn’t even on Earth, it was a pocket dimension. Did that mean time was frozen everywhere? How would such a thing even work?

“Centaur village is a no-go,” she announced as she stepped back outside. Death was staring at the roof where more figures had appeared. There were nine of them now, including Hatless.

“What are they waiting for?” Death asked. He was answered by a low growl as a dark figure appeared over the roof. It blotted out the sky as it moved across the roof of the Radley home, then turned its head to reveal a pair of bright yellow cat’s eyes. They looked huge in the moonlight, and the darkness of the pupils sloshed like ink.

The giant cat hopped off the roof and landed on the snow without leaving so much as a pawprint. Its dark, ashen fur was tipped with white and it had the wild look of something feral. It bared its fangs and swiped at the sleigh with claws the size of daggers.

“No! Bad kitty!” Death summoned his scythe and swiped at the cat’s paw. The cat hissed and pulled its foot back.

“I thought you could only hurt spirits,” Lily said.

“He doesn’t know that,” Death replied.

The giant cat circled them as Lily moved next to the sleigh. The cat stood nearly twenty feet tall and had the stocky build of a lynx. Its tail twitched behind it as it looked for an opening.

“The village is time-locked as well,” Lily said. “We’re on our own.”

“Hmm.” Death waved his scythe at the cat, then looked at Lily. “Maybe it’s not that everything else is frozen in time, but that we are trapped in a single moment.”

“Sure, whatever.” Lily didn’t care about the how or why of time-locking and picked up a snowball and threw it at the cat. It exploded harmlessly against its fur. “But it doesn’t help our current situation.”

“Hmm.” Death jabbed at the cat, but it was getting bolder. It was only a matter of time before it figured out Death couldn’t hurt it. “I can think of someone who could protect us from a bad kitty cat.”

“Cerberus?” Lily looked down the hill at the gate. “There are so many reasons that it won’t work, but let’s go to that single moment theory.”

“The Underworld has never cared much about the proper flow of time. If something can be killed during this moment, then the Underworld would still let us in,” Death replied, then swatted away a paw. The blade of the scythe passed harmlessly through it, and the cat pulled back its paw, eyes wide in shock. The cat lifted its foot and inspected the pads with discerning eyes.

The damned thing grinned.

“Oh. Oh dear.” Death looked at Lily. “Perhaps you should just push us toward the gate and pray for a Christmas miracle?”

“Damnit, bone man, demons don’t pr—” She ducked as a claw slammed into the side of the sleigh, making it slide across the snow. Death used the butt of his scythe like a pole to guide the sleigh. When the cat struck again, the figures on the roof began their descent, scrambling down the drains to get to the ground.

The cat batted at the sleigh, launching it forward. Lily tumbled into the back of the sleigh where the bag was. It pressed against her, pinning her in place and crushing a couple of ribs. She couldn’t see anything but could hear the figures shouting to each other. By the time she pulled herself free, they were sliding down the hill toward the gate to the Underworld.

“This is much more fun than those saucer sleighs,” Death declared as he grabbed her and pulled her into the front seat. “I would advise you to hold on tight.”

“Death, we’re crashing!” She tried to unfurl her wings to fly away, but the cat was right behind them. With an outstretched claw, it tore a hole through the membrane of one of her wings. Pain lanced through Lily’s body as she fell forward, her eyes widening as she held on tight to the sleigh.

Death didn’t acknowledge her. Instead, the Grim Reaper loudly sang Jingle Bells as the world around them distorted, the bars of the gate spreading themselves far apart as they slipped through an opening that was a couple of inches wide. Behind them, the cat’s face looked like pulled taffy as it let out a growl of rage and raked its claws against the indestructible iron gate. Sparks sprayed into the air and danced in the snow, then the swirling mists of the Underworld wrapped around them, obscuring the house from view.

---

The ice wall that had blocked the elevator exploded into large chunks that hovered in place. Yuki held her breath as she watched them rotate for a couple of seconds, then form into a giant archway. It wasn’t so much that the ice had been reformed, that didn’t bother her. She had felt it react with excitement, as if eager to obey the commands of whoever was behind those doors.

Ice didn’t do that. At least, it never had for her.

The elevator door slid open, and a cloud of fog billowed outward. Everything the fog touched frosted over with intricate patterns, and Yuki had to bite her lip to keep from swearing.

“I know you’re down here.” The speaker had a slight husk to their voice, but Yuki couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. However, the frost patterns had her worried. The intricate nature of laying patterns in frost wasn’t something casually done. It took tremendous amounts of effort for such an artistic endeavor, and the newcomer didn’t look like he was straining himself by any means. “You made quite the mess of the Cocoa Lounge.”

Mike pulled an air filter off and silently lowered it to the ground. He took Yuki by the hand and pushed her into the gap.

“What are you doing?” Her voice was so quiet, she may as well have just mouthed the question.

They’re tracking my magic, he replied in sign language. His sign language was sloppy, but passable. He had been working on it with Daisy for over a year now. His magical ability to understand it hadn’t translated to being able to use it himself, so it was something he practiced regularly with the fairies.

When the figure emerged from the frost, it was a young man with pixie cut hair, light blue skin and pointed ears. His hair was white, and he had sharp cheekbones that made him look aerodynamic.

There was a napkin balled up inside a crystalline sphere made of ice in his hands. Yuki nearly groaned when she realized it was probably a napkin Mike had used. With a single hair, a witch could track someone to the ends of the Earth. Whatever was in that napkin had made it easy for them to be found. The ball had a silver arrow hovering above it, which oscillated back and forth between where Mike stood and where Kisa was hiding.

“Now that’s interesting.” The man turned to look at where Kisa and the others were when Mike cleared his throat. “How are you in two places at once?”

“Okay, you’ve found me.” Mike had moved further down the throat of the furnace, where the light didn’t quite reach. “Sorry, I got here a little while ago, and have no idea what’s going on and kind of ended up down here. Care to explain where everybody went?”

The man looked taken aback, and his bloodless lips pursed together. “You’re not an elf.”

“Nope. I am definitely a human man,” he replied while moving away from Yuki’s hiding place. “Just an ordinary guy who fell through his fireplace.”

“An ordinary human couldn’t do that.” The stranger pointed at the arch behind him. “Summon and command the elements. No, I suspect you are more than you seem, and definitely believe that you aren’t alone.”

“Now, now, no need for accusations. I’m just a random guy lost in a Hallmark movie, and you’re coming off pretty strong.” As Mike spoke, Yuki could feel the subtle pressure of his magic radiating down the length of the furnace. She felt a need to believe him, to take him at his word and trust that he meant no harm. It was an interesting extension of his magic, and she wondered how much was a conscious effort on his part. Or maybe it was just her own wishful thinking? She would have to ponder it when their lives weren’t in potential jeopardy.

“Humans aren’t allowed in the Workshop.” The stranger held up the ice sphere. “And why are there two of you?”

“Don’t know. I’m not sure how that spell of yours works. If you explain it, maybe I can answer your question?”

The man walked toward where the others were hiding, little spheres of ice spinning around him like tiny moons. Yuki realized after a moment that he wasn’t even walking—instead, he hovered about an inch off the ground and glided forward.

“We’re not off to a good start to begin with, and you’re about to piss me off.” Mike’s voice now contained an edge that was hard to ignore, and he was nearly at the entrance to the furnace. His magic filled the air, and the pressure in the room increased. The man stopped and turned his attention back toward Mike.

“Stop that,” he said.

“Stop what?” Mike held his hands out, showing they were empty. Yuki felt a cold breeze inside of the furnace. It was coming from the man with the crystal ball. She pulled the tarot cards from her pocket and began sorting through them to find the right one. Sometimes when she held the cards, a sixth sense guided her to the one that was right for the situation. Other times, like this, she was forced to rely on her own imagination.

“Whatever your magic is doing. Stop it.” The man held up the crystal. “Or I will make you stop.”

“Then have a proper conversation with me.” Mike stopped at the entrance to the furnace. “My name is Mike, by the way.”

The man mulled this over, then looked at the crystal ball. The arrow kept twitching away, his features hardening as a layer of frost formed over his skin.

“You can call me Jack.” Jack lifted a hand and made a casual gesture, as if shooing a fly. A powerful gale of wind slammed into Mike, but he had crouched down a moment before it hit and grabbed a seam in the floor. His legs nearly slipped out from beneath him, but he remained upright.

Mike conjured a spider made out of lightning and sent it running across the floor. It leapt up and clung to Jack’s face, causing him to panic and back into his own ice arch. A couple of blocks fell loose, but the structure remained intact despite the gaps in its support.

Yuki jumped from her place of concealment and drew the Two of Wands. A staff appeared in each hand as she dashed toward Mike. When she made it to his side, she handed one to him.

“They shoot fire,” she explained, then held her staff out and summoned a jet of fire. Jack dodged, summoning a sphere made of ice to deflect the flames. Dark blue veins stuck out in Jack’s neck as he hovered into the air and pointed at the two of them. The ice arch burst apart with chunks of ice rushing toward them.

Mike ducked under the first one, then jumped over another. He had ignited his staff as well, and sweat beaded along his brow as the two of them tried to evade the icy projectiles while still attacking Jack.

“We can’t fight this guy,” she said. “Do you know who he is?” Instinctually, she wanted to summon a dozen icicles and turn the man into a pincushion, but had a strong feeling that anything she made would no longer belong to her. Even now, she could feel the magnetic pull of his magic as the shattered ice slid back across the floor toward him.

“Jack fucking Frost, apparently.” His eyes flicked over to where the others were hidden. “Think a loud enough noise would make him drop that crystal ball?”

“Maybe.” She pulled a pair of earplugs from a pocket in her sleeve and deftly jammed them in her ears. If they could destroy the ball, they could get away. But where would they even go?

Mike took a deep breath and unleashed the banshee’s scream. The sound caught Jack off guard, and he covered his ears, causing his shield to drop. Yuki directed a stream of fire at Jack, concentrating it on his hands. The flames licked at his flesh, and when he dashed up into the air, he dropped the crystal ball on the floor.

Yuki turned her staff onto the orb. It melted in seconds, then the napkin ignited and turned to ash. She grinned, happy for the small victory.

The scream ended when Mike ran out of breath, and he was taking another deep breath when Jack let out a howl of rage reminiscent of a blizzard. The whole room frosted over as gale-force winds shoved Mike and Yuki down the throat of the furnace. The floor froze beneath them, and they were now sliding on ice.

“Yuki!” Mike stuck his hand out and grabbed her tail as they slid down the tunnel. She didn’t know how far they went, but the icy wind suddenly vanished as the world went dark.

---

Kisa crouched down behind the block of ice next to the elevator, her wary eyes on the back of Jack’s head. She had moved away from the others the moment she realized that Jack was using their bodily fluids to track them. Now that the napkin was gone, she was safe.

As for Mike, he and Yuki had slid down the long hallway of the furnace and simply disappeared. This seemed to puzzle Jack, who was gazing warily down the throat of the furnace. He picked up a chunk of ice and contemplated it for a moment. When he threw it into the furnace, it slid into the darkness and then blipped out of existence.

“Hmm.” Jack turned around and pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like a child’s walkie-talkie. He held it to his mouth and pushed the talk button. “The intruders escaped into the furnace. Human man and a fox demon. They disappeared, I don’t know why. Over.”

The walkie-talkie emitted a piercing burst of static. Kisa winced and held her ears, but Jack nodded as if he understood the sounds.

“I see. Should I send the ghosts after him? Over.”

Another blast of static, then silence.

“Understood.” Jack put away the walkie-talkie and pulled a trio of Christmas ornaments from his pocket. He set them on the ground and took a step back.

From each ornaments emerged a single light, each one about a foot across. They circled over Jack in a tight spiral, changing colors like bulbs on a Christmas tree.

“Find them,” Jack commanded. “Teach them the true meaning of Christmas. Then kill them.”

One after another, the lights shot into the furnace and disappeared into its depths. Satisfied, Jack walked back to the elevator and pressed the button. Once he was gone, Tink and the others emerged from hiding. Alabaster was clutching his head as if in agony.

“Oh, they have the spirits, how did they get the spirits?” He groaned and looked at the furnace. “I’m so sorry about your friends.”

“Why?” Kisa moved to get a closer look at the furnace, but Holly intercepted her.

“It isn’t safe,” Holly explained. “From here, it looks simple enough, but once you go past a certain point, you can end up anywhere. They could be hundreds of miles away already.”

“What the hell? How?”

The elf shook off the minor swear. “We use a sunstone to heat this place. It’s essentially a tiny star. The furnace is infinitely long, and always changing. That’s why Tinker has had to help us, those goggles of hers are the only thing that can lead you out!”

“Tink go get husband,” the goblin declared, pulling the lenses over her eyes. “Fix furnace, too. You see.”

“You can’t go in there!” Alabaster shook his head. “Jack sent the spirits of Christmas themselves in there! How was he able to command them? Only Santa can do that! As for your friends, they’re as good as dead. I’m sorry.”

Tink rounded on Alabaster and grabbed him by the straps of his overalls. With surprising strength, she lifted him up and slammed him into the wall. Holding him with one hand, she pulled the hammer from her tool belt and pressed it against his chin.

“Take back.” Her voice was quiet, but her yellow eyes had gone wild, and she was breathing heavily through her nose. “Pointy ears wrong, take back wrong words!”

Alabaster scowled at the goblin. “I’m not afraid of you,” he told her, then pointed up at the ceiling. “I’m afraid of whoever is up there, running the show. That voice is one of the scariest things I’ve ever heard, and the fact that Jack was taking orders from it is even worse!”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Kisa said. “It was just radio static.”

Holly and Tink both looked at Kisa. “Really?” asked Holly. “It was all growly.”

“Not growly,” Tink added. “German.” She set Alabaster down. “Tink go in furnace, find husband.”

“You won’t be able to find him. The goggles will guide you out, but they won’t help you find him. And even if you do, the spirits will have gotten to him first. They will show him things about himself that he isn’t willing to accept, and will drive him to madness.”

“Tink no care.” She was already walking toward the furnace. “Husband come for Tink, now Tink turn to help.”

“Hey, wait.” Kisa caught Tink’s tail and held it. “Is it even safe in there?”

“With the heat off? Yeah, sure.” Alabaster shook his head. “You’re more likely to starve to death, though. Elves who’ve gone in almost never come out.”

“Husband different.” Tink whipped her head around. “Always beat odds. Pointy-ears want Tink help? Husband first.” She jabbed her finger in Alabaster’s direction, then turned back to the furnace. “Fix stupid furnace after.”

“Tink.” Kisa tugged her tail again. “Hold up. If I come with you, I can sense where he is. That’ll help us find him, and then you can bring us all out.”

Tink nodded, then looked at the elves. “Tink go now.”

“Wait.” Holly reached into her pouch and pulled out an impossible length of Christmas garland. She wrapped it around Tink’s waist and tied it off, then moved on to Kisa. “Don’t get separated,” she told them. “Even if you’re only a foot apart, the furnace can split you up. Also, I have some cookies you can take with you. They’ll keep you from getting hungry, at least.”

Holly looked like she was going to say something else, but behind them, the elevator groaned. Everyone turned to look as the dial moved again.

“Are they coming back? Why?” Alabaster frowned as the dial turned. They watched the ornate arm rotate until a hideous screeching sound filled the air when the elevator was halfway there. The shaft vibrated as the lights flickered overhead.

The white elf slapped his earmuffs on and, with a panicked expression, took the garland from Holly. He tied a knot around her waist and gave her a push toward the furnace.

“Run!” He cried, then pushed them again. “All of you! Go, now!”

“Allie, what’s happening?” Holly tried to undo the knot at her waist, but Alabaster shoved her toward the furnace again.

“There’s no time. You have to get away!” Alabaster winced when a loud screech filled the chamber. The magical lights overhead dimmed to a glow as a low bass tone filled the room, then burst into a symphony of whispers. “One of us needs to survive, and it needs to be you!”

Kisa had heard enough. The sound itself reminded her of the time she fought an angel, and she half expected a winged abomination to burst out of the elevator shaft and demand revenge. She grabbed Holly around the waist and started running toward the furnace.

“No, stop, wait!” Holly tried to fight them, but Tink helped Kisa lift the elf as the two of them dragged her into the darkness of the furnace. Tink handed Kisa a flashlight, then snapped the lenses of her goggles into place.

Behind them, there was a loud whoosh, followed by sizzling metal. Alabaster had pulled out welding torch that looked like a candy cane and was attempting to weld the doors together. The sparks that fell from the magical tool danced around on the floor and laughed like children before puffing into nothingness.

“Keep going!” he cried. “Don’t let anything happen to Holly!”

The elevator door reached their floor, then buzzed loudly when the door wouldn’t open. Something hit it from the inside, causing the doors to split apart and release a cloud of smoke.

Kisa looked back to see a long dark arm burst forth from the doors and grab Alabaster by the head. Long fingers easily palmed Alabaster’s skull and dragged him toward the elevator.

“Mother of Kris Kringle!” Holly’s eyes were wide with terror as the doors opened further. Inside the darkness and the smoke, something laughed as Alabaster was pulled inside. “Run faster!”

Alabaster screamed, then went silent. The elevator doors groaned as they were forced apart by a pair of those dark, sinister hands. Kisa let out a shriek as the doors burst open, and then she slammed into a wall and fell. Everything went abruptly quiet, the air stinking of magic and sulfur.

“Ow, dammit!” She scrambled to her feet and tried to run, but Holly and Tink grabbed onto her and wrestled her to the ground.

“Safe now! Safe!” Tink pointed back the way they had come. “Look!”

Kisa looked past Tink and saw that a solid wall had appeared. “Won’t that thing come out where we did?”

As if in response, a distant roar could be heard off to her left.

“No, but he’s probably in here with us already.” Holly shivered. “I’ve heard the stories, but I never believed he could come back.”

“He who?”

Holly sat back on the ground and let go of Kisa, then hugged herself tightly. Instead of speaking, she broke into quiet sobs of grief.

---

It was pitch black, and the ground was sloped enough that Mike slid at an accelerating rate. He kicked his legs out to try and feel a wall and felt around for something else to grab with his free hand.

He had a fistful of Yuki’s tail in his other hand. Logic dictated that pulling her tail was an absolute no-no, but every fiber of his being screamed Danger! at the thought of releasing her.

Yuki grunted next to him, and he heard a loud pop, followed by the sound of screeching metal. As they came to a stop, he fell over a ledge and dangled by one arm in the darkness. Above him, Yuki howled in pain. He summoned another spider, having it jump and stick to the wall.

The spider provided enough illumination to see that he was dangling over a pit. He couldn’t see the bottom, and bits of dirt and ash drifted past them from somewhere up above. Down below, a few tarot cards fluttered out of sight.

“Damn it, Mike! At least grab my leg!”

“Sorry!” Unburdened by a fear of heights, he pulled himself up by gathering her other tails into a bundle and climbing them. He was able to get a solid grip on her ankle. “What are you holding onto?”

“Summoned some swords,” she replied. “But I can’t let go or we’ll fall.”

“Understood.” He summoned another spider and sent it up the wall and over the ledge. They didn’t provide much light, but there was no other illumination to see by. “Better?”

“I see a ledge with a handrail.” She grunted, and there was a popping sound from up above, followed by a shower of sparks. “I think I can get us there, why don’t you get a better grip?”

Unable to do much else, Mike obeyed. He pulled himself up to her waist, and was chagrined when his head ended up inside Yuki’s robes. The lingering odor of her bath with Naia clung to her skin, and if he wasn’t dangling over a bottomless pit, he would have chanced extricating himself to assume a better position.

“You’re heavy,” Yuki grunted, then said nothing else. Progress was slow, and he tried really hard not to notice how smooth her legs felt against his face. Kisa had a thin layer of hair over her entire body, but Yuki’s skin alternated between fox and human, creating patches of fur along her body. Her thighs had no such deviation that he could feel, and he wasn’t about to ask about her choice in fur distribution.

The process was only a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours. Yuki’s movements had slowed significantly, and sweat now poured down her legs.

“You good?” he asked.

“No.” She had stopped moving. “We’re by the ledge, but I don’t know if I can make it.”

“We kind of don’t have a choice,” he told her. “Unless you want me to let go.” He wondered if he would fall a few feet and teleport somewhere else in the furnace. It was better to take the chance than potentially killing both of them.

“Don’t!” She grunted, then moaned in pain. “Even if you did, I don’t think I could pull myself up. I’m sorry.”

Mike sighed, his magic uncoiling inside of him.. “Don’t be sorry, you’re doing your best. This is going to hurt, by the way.”

“What?”

He summoned the magic, allowing the raw electrical charge to build up in his hand. Saying a little prayer, he clamped his palm down on Yuki’s thigh and let it all loose.

The kitsune tensed up as the charge ran through her body and into the metal hilt of the swords. With his other hand, he pushed her robes open so that he could start climbing up her body. Her eyes were wide and her teeth bared when he moved his hand to her side and transferred the magic over. The current running through her body had locked up all her muscles, and he knew he could only hold out for a few more seconds before the magic was gone.

Two more transfers later, he saw that she had been summoning swords and stabbing them into the metal ducting to use as handholds. The blades were short like daggers, but had gotten the job done. Mike and Yuki were now only a couple of feet below a cat walk.

It was difficult, but Mike managed to maneuver himself up onto the previous set of blades while holding onto her left wrist. He hooked his arm around the corner rail of the catwalk and then released the magic.

Yuki gasped and went limp beneath him. Mike pulled her up by pushing off the swords with his feet, then slipped his arm around her back once she was high enough.

With a shove, he was able to push her up onto the ledge. Yuki crawled away from the corner as he pulled himself up behind her. His limbs felt like they were on fire, and he lay on the cool metal gasping for air.

“You…shocked…me…” It was both an accusation and a statement of fact.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, feeling sick to his stomach. Quetzalli had taught him how to control the flow, but his mastery over it wasn’t the best. He was nowhere near throwing lightning by any means, and had accidentally given Tink a nasty zap one day while messing around. Luckily, the goblin had thought it was just kinky foreplay. “You okay?”

“Everything hurts,” she whispered.

“I’ll make it up to you.” The little lightning spider nearby popped out of existence as his magic went dormant. Using it to run a current through Yuki had drained him to nothing.

In the dark, he reached for her. The soft fur of her robes felt good beneath his fingers. He crawled toward her, then groaned in agony as he sat up and leaned against one of the railing supports. Yuki said nothing as he pulled her between his outstretched legs and leaned over her protectively.

“Let’s just rest for now,” he told her, fighting back a yawn. It had been almost bedtime when Holly had appeared in his house and he was officially tired. The darkness in the furnace was absolute, yet he felt like he was being watched.

They sat there for a while. Mystery lights flickered along the edges of his vision, but he realized they were still there even when he closed his eyes. There was a term for them, but the memory escaped him.

With nothing but phantom lights for company, he found himself nodding off more than once. The temperature of the room was fine for now, but it definitely felt cooler. Or was that just a side effect of strenuous climbing? It was hard to say.

He wondered how many presents Lily had opened. There was a small amount of guilt over leaving her behind, but clearly all was not well at the North Pole. If Santa’s bag was in danger, she was well equipped to handle it. Death was probably keeping her out of trouble.

Romeo. Lily’s voice echoed from the darkness, but he wasn’t sure if he had imagined it. The succubus hadn’t been around much lately, and had seemed surlier than usual. He supposed it was related to the birth of Callisto, his son.

The centaur tribe had sent for him and Ratu on the day he was born. The pregnancy had gone well, but Zel had known the birth would be difficult. Her human vagina was never going to be sufficient to accommodate a centaur foal. Preparations had been made, and several of the Herd’s healers had been brought together to figure out how to deliver the child surgically.

Despite all their preparations, things had gone downhill quickly. Helpless, Mike had stood by and listened to the healers and Ratu debate how to remove the child quickly in case Zel didn’t survive. The centaurs were capable healers, but major abdominal surgery was not an art they had brought with them from their former Herd.

Salvation had come in the shape of Lily. Mike had left the yurt to pray when Lily had teleported directly to his side. Admonishing him for trying to involve a big hairy bastard who didn’t give a shit, she had walked into the yurt and started barking commands. Apparently she had used the Dreamscape over a year ago to take a class on veterinary medicine to stitch Dana up, and had a couple of souls in her collection with the knowledge to guide the healers through the complex operation.

Zel had survived, and Callisto had come into the world with his father’s hair and his mother’s eyes. Lily, usually uncouth, spent several minutes silently casting sidelong glances at the child. Satisfied that Zel would survive, she had promptly excused herself and vanished for two weeks.

“Mmph.” Yuki stretched beneath him. “I fell asleep.”

“It’s fine.” He rubbed the top of her head, right between her ears. “I’ve got a bit left in me and who knows when we’ll get another chance.”

She sighed in his arms, then fell into another deep slumber. Mike waited a few minutes and tried to summon a spider for light. He couldn’t even make the sparks appear, and a throbbing pain shot through his right wrist and forearm.

Fucking figures, he thought. Nearly fell to my death after a pissing match with Jack Frost, now I can’t get it up. He put his hand back on Yuki’s head and used the soft fur at the base of her ears like a worry-stone. She mumbled something, then wrapped an arm around his leg and held him tight.

His thoughts drifted back to Callisto, then back to Tink and Kisa. He could feel Kisa moving around somewhere beneath him, which made zero sense. Since they had essentially teleported away from everything, it was likely that she was in the furnace with them as well.

He thought back on the encounter with Jack. There was something nagging at him about the whole event, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He had been too worried that Jack would find the others to think past the moment. Now that he had the time, he would use it to analyze what he had learned. The North Pole hadn’t just been abandoned. At a minimum, Jack was out looking for trouble makers. But why?

Somewhere in the darkness, water started dripping. He yawned, then scratched Yuki’s head some more. The rhythmic rubbing of her head had become a form of self hypnosis, and he felt his attention waning.

Shaking his head, he blinked away the sparkling lights that appeared once more. They shifted back and forth like a metronome, and he tried to look away but couldn’t. He remembered learning about them in boy scouts, something about how lights would appear if you got lost in a cave with no light source. Cavers would chase those phantom lights, thinking escape was just around the corner. If they were lucky, they would slam into a wall rather than fall into a crack and vanish from the world.

Thinking about being stuck in a crack in the earth made him think of Leeds. That fucker had likely lost his mind months ago, but Mike had no way of knowing. Once a month, Abella would make a trip out that direction to make sure Leeds’ living tomb looked undisturbed. Mike had considered going with her just to piss on the bastard’s mountain, but had spent the time at Velvet’s grave instead. The had buried her next to her parents in a spot with a beautiful view of the valley.

The lights were closer now, or maybe just larger? It was so hard to focus right now, the chill in the air was making him huddle over Yuki and she was like a tiny heater.

He rubbed his face, then shook his head. Falling asleep here was a bad idea, but he was just so tired.

“Callisto? Stop being like that, this is your father.” Zel held her hand out to the foal standing behind the apothecary table in her yurt. Callisto shook his head vehemently. Newborn centaurs looked more like six year olds than infants. His unruly locks bounced across his shoulders as he grabbed a stack of Zel’s journals and pulled them into a small wall so Mike couldn’t see him.

“No!” Callisto shouted, then tried to duck down behind the book stack. “Scary monster!”

Mike’s eyes snapped open, and he sat upright. Sleep had snuck up on him so quickly that he hadn’t even had the opportunity to manipulate the Dreamscape. How long had he been out?

It couldn’t have been long, right? He flexed his hand and tried to summon the magic once more. Even a little bit of light would help him stay awake.

The phantom lights now loomed overhead, and he looked up at them with a frown. He had never really thought about the fact that maybe they weren’t a hallucination. He squeezed his eyes shut and they remained. Still just a figment of his imagination. While his eyes were shut, he thought of Zel once again and felt the dream spring up around him.

“I’m so sorry.” Zel took Mike’s hand in hers and squeezed. “I don’t know why he does this. He won’t talk about it while you’re gone, either.”

“I don’t either.” Mike looked at the stuffed bear on the ground. He had brought it in the hopes it would break the ice, but Callisto had refused to touch it. Centaur children developed language skills remarkably fast, so it was easy to forget that Callisto was only a couple of months old.

When Mike knelt down to pick up the bear, its fur slid off and revealed the sleek surface beneath it. Startled, he dropped it on the ground. The thing inside uncoiled, revealing a large isopod that looked up at him and screeched.

“Gah!” Mike shook his head and pinched his inner arm. He had dozed off again. What was the deal with the weird dreams?

Yuki trembled, then muttered something.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Emily.” Yuki replied, then whimpered. Mike sighed, then rubbed Yuki’s head. She sighed and became still again. He wasn’t even sure she had woken up. The silence of the furnace made every sound seem that much louder, and he could hear the beating of his own heart. He tried to ignore it, but that steady cadence had him closing his eyes for just a moment.

“Let me go!” Callisto fought his way free of his mother and rushed out the door of the yurt. Outside, Mike heard one of the centaur guards follow after him. The last time he had come, Callisto had gotten lost in the woods for an hour until Zel had found him.

“Damn!” Zel stared helplessly at the flaps. “I don’t know why this is so hard!”

“Don’t worry about it,” he told her, then moved next to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. “I’ll keep trying, no matter how long it takes.” Down below, he heard the shifting of chitinous armor as the isopod tried to crawl up on his foot.

“I’m not afraid of you,” he declared, then snatched up the isopod. Its mouthparts shifted as it waved its legs helplessly. “In fact, you look rather like a lobster. Maybe I’ll see if Sofia will cook you up and serve you with butter.”

“Three!” The isopod’s voice was like a croaking frog. “Tonight, you will be haunted by three spirits!”

“Eat my ass, Ebenezer.” He forced the isopod into a ball, then drop kicked it through the flaps of the tent. The flaps rattled and spun like a plastic rolodex.

Mike opened his eyes again and saw that the phantom lights were gone. Instead, an ethereal being hovered above him, the light from its body illuminating him and Yuki. If this was a hallucination, it was a damned good one.

“Radley,” it whispered through a lipless mouth. It had a face that could have been made of porcelain, but there was little humanity in its eyes. It shifted, sometimes having arms, then legs, then nothing at all but a face with silken white hair that hung to the ground.

“Casper,” he replied. “I don’t suppose you’re here because you want a friend? You bring me a sleeping bag and a pillow and I’ll hook you up. We’ll go bar crawling, chicks love ghosts now. Dudes too, for that matter.”

“I am the ghost of Christmas Past,” it told him with a voice that sounded like it was coming through a long tube. “And I am here regarding your welfare.”

“Of fucking course.” He moved his hand behind Yuki’s ear and gave it a pinch. When he felt her startle, he slid a hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. “The weird dream with the bug? Was Marley on vacation? Aren’t you supposed to read me my rights first? I demand my lawyer be present, but unthaw her first, she can’t do much right now.” He pictured her ass, bent over and just sitting in his living room like a work of art.

His magic moved. It was minor, but it was definitely there.

The spirit stared at him, then freaked out. Its features distorted and jumped about as if they were in a videogame and it was glitching. He heard his own voice repeat the words he had just said, only there was a fair amount of growling involved. It let out a cry, then whirled around the room before popping back into position above him as if nothing had happened.

“I am here regarding your welfare.” The spirit moved closer, its amorphous body shifting in the light until it had a body. The spirit’s body was small, like a child’s, but its limbs were muscular and much longer than an adult’s. It made Mike think of a demented cross between a porcelain doll and a Stretch Armstrong toy from his youth.

Once fully formed, the spirit wore a white tunic belted at the waist with a shiny belt and a flowing skirt beneath. It carried a sprig of holly in one hand, and a beam of light shot from its head and into the gloom up above like a reverse spotlight.

“Rise, and walk with me.” The spirit extended a hand just as Yuki summoned a circle of swords above the spirit with a tarot card. The blades shot into the ghost of Christmas Past, only to vanish in a blast of light.

“No-no-no-no-no-no…” The spirit clutched at its brow, agony written across its enigmatic features. Mike tried to help Yuki to her feet, but they were too slow. With a scream, the spirit grabbed both of them with its overtly long arms and then pulled them over the side of the catwalk and into the void beneath.

---

“Well that was something.” Lily hopped out of the sleigh and took a look at it. The sides had giant gouges from where the cat had hit it, but the wood shimmered as the damage repaired itself. “Let’s not do that again.”

“We may not have a choice.” Death sounded serious. When she looked up, she saw that dark shadows circled in the mist, their eyes blazing with malice.

“I wouldn’t,” Lily warned, allowing her wings to unfold behind her. Horns burst from her forehead as she returned to the sleigh and stood next to Death. Ever since the shadow’s defeat, the demons had been thick in this part of the Underworld, but they rarely came this close to the gate. “If I don’t rip you a new asshole, he will.” She gestured at Death with her thumb.

There was a growl as six fiery orbs appeared above them all. Cerberus barked, and the demons scattered as the hellhound smashed one with a paw and snagged another in their teeth. Two heads ripped it apart while the third stared at Death expectedly.

“You are a good girl.” Death reached into his robes and pulled out a trio of biscuits in a stack. Once the demon was torn apart, Cerberus stared intently at the reaper. He tossed the biscuits in an arc, and all three of them were snapped out of the air by the different heads.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Lily said.

“I am incapable of shitting.” Death hopped out of the sleigh and approached Cerberus. The hellhound rolled on their side, giving Death full access to their belly. Death held his arms wide and pushed himself face first into their belly. He started scratching, which made Cerberus’ tail wag. “Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl!”

“When the hell did this happen?” Lily demanded. As far as she knew, Cerberus only listened to Mike or her.

“I do not require sleep, my dear succubus. I have plenty of time on my hands, and other dogs are afraid of me.” Death continued scratching until Cerberus let out a whine. “Besides, Mike Radley and I will sometimes come to take them for a walk. He does this when he is feeling anxious about fatherhood.”

Lily just shook her head. She had no idea, but hadn’t exactly been around much lately. Ever since the foal had come along, she had made herself scarce. She just couldn’t handle the way everyone fawned over him, and would even admit more than a little jealousy. It wasn’t that she wanted to pump out babies, but that she hated the fact that someone was able to give Mike something she couldn’t.

Cerberus shifted into human form, then bowed their heads reverently at Lily. It was always weird seeing a three-headed human in a goth dress, but at least the outfit matched the atmosphere.

“Mistress.” The center head spoke while the side heads whispered simultaneously. It was far less confusing than how they usually spoke, which was each head taking a syllable at a time. “Why have you brought this here?”

“What, this?” She jerked her thumb at the sleigh. “We were running from a bunch of trolls and a giant fucking cat. Why are there so many demons running about? Shouldn’t you be keeping the place clear?”

“They are attracted to this Divine Object.” Cerberus walked over to the sleigh and put a hand on it. She sniffed the air, and then touched Santa’s bag. “And maybe this as well. This shouldn’t be here.”

“Of course it shouldn’t, but I’m stuck babysitting it.” Lily leaned against the sleigh. “And we needed help.”

“No.” Cerberus squinted at the giant bag. “This shouldn’t be here. It has no smell to it, it shouldn’t exist.”

“What do you mean, it has no smell? It’s a bag, it shouldn’t stink.” But Lily knew better, for nothing in Creation had a better sense of smell than a hellhound. Capable of sniffing out even the toughest shape-shifting demon, the fact that Cerberus couldn’t even detect the lingering scent of the house on its fabric was a sign. Whether good or bad, she didn’t know yet.

“It is like the emptiness of the Void. I can sense a great nothingness where it sits, yet can both see and touch it.” Cerberus sniffed the air, her eyes glowing. “More demons come. They can sense it. I will hold them off, but stronger ones approach. You cannot stay.” With those words, Cerberus transformed back into a three-headed dog and wandered into the mist.

“Well, fuck me with a stick.” It hadn’t occurred to Lily that Cerberus would ask them to leave. “What do we do now?”

When she got no response, she saw that Death was perusing the user’s manual. On the cover was a picture of a Santa hat, and it had a candy cane spine.

“Ah. Aha!” Death looked up at Lily. “I have found the section of the manual that will allow us to shoot our foes!”

“Wait, what?” She moved by his side and laughed. He was looking at the troubleshooting chapter. “That doesn’t mean actual shooting.”

“It doesn’t?” Death frowned and flipped through the pages. It took him a bit to scan each page, but his reading speed was already impressive for a guy lacking eyeballs. “Oh. Oh dear. You appear to be right.”

“Told you.” She heard a random growl in the mist, and turned in time to see a demon vanish just before Cerberus reappeared nearby. The hellhound snorted, then gave chase. “I have no fucking clue what to do next. Maybe that book has some advice for us.”

Death said nothing, his eyes blazing as he continued to read. The book was tiny in his hands, yet he used both hands to hold it open.

Lily climbed on top of the bag and opened it up. Inside, the multi-colored packages were packed in tightly, yet it was easy to reach deep into the bag and pull one out. When she turned it over, it had her name on it.

“Ha-ha, I’m so naughty, ho ho ho.” She shook the small box and was surprised that it felt so light. Thinking it would be more coal, she ripped open the package and was puzzled to discover a small felt box inside. She opened it up and saw something shiny inside.

“What the fuck?” It took her a moment to realize she was looking at a jeweler's loupe. Used for examining gemstones and other fine jewelry for defects, she had no idea why Santa would give her one. “Should have included a gift receipt, big man.”

Toying with the loupe, she looked at her own hair and fingernails before leaning down to examine the fabric of the bag. Instead of crushed velvet, she was stunned to see herself looking at an ever shifting surface that looked like waves of red, liquid fractals that crashed into each other and created new patterns. The fractals would bounce off of each other, and she could have sworn that faces were forming. However, when she would shift to look closer, they would vanish.

Someone pulled her hair and she spun around and hissed, her tongue elongating into a snake’s. It was just Death, and he let out a sigh of relief.

“There you are, I was worried about you!” He held up the user manual. “I’ve finished reading the troubleshooting section, and believe I know what to do next.”

“What do you mean you’ve finished it, you just started.”

Death shook his head. “You have been staring at that bag for hours now, and I did not wish to disturb you.”

“What?” Lily looked at the loupe in her hand, then over at the bag. “You’re fucking with me.”

“I do not fuck,” he informed her, then held up the book. “Does this look familiar?”

Drawn in perfect detail on the page was the large cat that had chased them. It was caught in mid-yawn, which made it look far less intimidating than she would have expected.

“Jólakötturinn?” She took the book from him and read the page. “The Yule Cat? What the hell am I looking at?”

“He eats children, Lily, children!” Death took the book back from her. “And it says right here that in the event of an encounter with the Jólakötturinn that we should avoid it entirely.”

“Too late.”

“I agree, which is why we come to the second passage. If hunted by the Yule Cat, we must remain one step ahead of him. He is attracted to the bag, and will stop at nothing to get it. However, he is poor at tracking, so the best solution is to simply evade his claws and carry on. We will lose him eventually.”

“What do you mean by carry on? Carry on, what?”

Death’s toothy smile somehow twisted upward into a full blown grin as he let out a laugh that raised all the hairs on the back of Lily’s neck. “What, indeed, dear succubus! What, indeed!”

Serious doubts manifested in Lily’s mind over Death’s intentions. His sense of child-like wonder about the world around him didn’t reassure her about whatever dubious plan he was concocting. However, the growling in the mists was becoming louder, and it was only a matter of time before even more dangerous things than demons came sniffing around.

“Ah, fuck it,” she told Death. Despite her thoughts to the contrary, he had been right every step of the way so far. It would probably save them time if she just went against her better judgment and rolled with whatever crazy ass idea he had. “I’m in.”

---

Be good to each other, and I'll see you next time!