I want to share one of my darkest secrets (Patreon)

I had a dream that I was proposed to by my ex partner. In my dream, we were dating. They also looked like a yeti, but that part is besides the point. They asked me to marry them, and within seconds, I felt my heart leap into my throat, and I couldn't breathe. I felt embarrassment, fear, disgust, and guilt all thrown into a blender and handed to me in a smoothie.

I woke up with feelings of discomfort and instantly turned to Anna and said, "You're not planning on purposing, are you? Please tell me you're not!!" (The answer was no)

I always knew I had some unresolved issues on the subject of marriage, but I didn't realise the extent of my avoidance.

Like, if I was asked if I would rather be mauled by a toothless bear or commit to marriage... I'd choose the bear.

The thought of being proposed to and committing to someone makes my skin crawl, and my stomach turn.

But why? Please would someone just give me the answer!

I had kept this fear to myself for a very long time. None of my previous partners knew because I had never planned to marry them.

No matter what relationship I was in, casual or serious, I always had one foot out the door and my bags packed, ready to go.

But I knew Anna was different. I couldn't hide this secret from her... so I told her. I told her that the idea of marrying her scares me. And I know that its easy to say 'well don't get married' but it's not the marriage that's the problem, it's what it symbolises.

Commitment.

I told her that the thought of being with her for the rest of my life scares the absolute shit out of me, and all I want to do is run away.

I told her I wanted to leave her.

But you know what she did? She held me as tight as she could, and she said... we will get through this together.

And being honest with her about one of my darkest secrets that I've never told anybody else may have been the best decision I've made.