The dark side of dependency (Patreon)

I've always struggled to be alone, in dire need of someone by my side. Which is actually very ironic considering I would fantasise about being alone as a child. I would daydream about waking up, and my mother would be gone, and I would be free.

But somewhere along the way that desperation for freedom turned into unhealthy dependence.

From the moment I was on my own at the ripe age of 16, I went from one relationship to the next scaling from platonic to love-bomb romantic, holding onto their hand so tight terrified that they would leave me.

But that's the funny thing about dependency, you become so desperate to be loved that you forget to love them back... or maybe I just didn't know how?

My relationships become severely unhealthy, sending my mental health spiralling into a vortex of darkness and pain. But as long as I had somebody by my side, I thought I was going to be okay.

It wasn't until I began dating Anna (who we all currently know and love). Our relationship started in the most unhealthy way possible, on the grounds of infidelity and desperation. I should have said goodbye, I should have let her go, but instead, I did the most selfish thing possible... I held on even tighter, dragging her through yet another cycle of the same, sad story.

Just like clockwork, I felt trapped, yet I couldn't let go. It was as though my life was tied to hers, and I would die without her.

But when you're the narrirator of your own story, you have a choice. You can continue to repeat history, OR you can decide to change.

I opted for choice number 2.

They say love will make you do crazy things, and it made me crazy enough to attempt to change almost 30 years of embedded neural pathways. To face my darkest demons and question every thought I've ever had.

But here I am attempting to sever the cycle that has been my life and become not only a better human for Anna, but most importantly for me.

Isn't love crazy.