Curse of The Retron 5 (Patreon)

Well, my mind is officially broken and my body no longer understands how to sleep for more than an hour. It's pointless to fight it so i'm back, with one more video today. The kind of video so dumb it could only be placed here at the caboose. End of the line. End of my rope. End of the month. End of all hope.

This video has been warming the bench for months waiting for it's chance to come out and miss one last minute free throw. This is special content, and i mean short bus special. This hour of abject madness is comprised of 35 minutes of agitated frustration over non-functioning hardware, and finally blossoms into a surprise second half of Looney Tune stupidity on a level that can only be achieved once one has suffered for it.

The first half of this video is essentially a podcast setting up the dumbest thing to ever happen. Most probably won't make it that far and i don't blame em, but i cut it down as much as i could. The asinine tedium of trying to find a game that actually works on this hunk of junk is necessary to share so that you appreciate the full absurdity of it all. If i just mentioned this in passing no one would believe it, the context must be seen by those brave enough to keep gazing at a red menu of Hell with me for half the video.

I actually thought the Retron was really cool when i first bought it years ago, probably because it actually worked back then. I don't know what happened, if it just has a shelf life or a screw loose, or if some purple-masked prankster who famously does machines snuck in here and surgically took all the games out of my games except for 1, knowing sooner or later in my desperation i would turn to it. A game only fit to be played at the frayed ends of sanity.

To quote myself, there's a ghost in the machine and it's sucking it's own dick. That blurb belongs on every box of this thing ever sold from now on. Anything else is false advertising. The people need to be warned.

That's what this video is, a warning. This corrupted console promises a world of gaming but it delivers only curses. It is a cursed item, and it will cost you everything. Trying to play a game on the Retron 5 is what i imagine the world would have been like if Y2K had been real.