Buttchugger Blog: Sick Flicks (Patreon)

Buttchug Brothers and beyond, here's your bonus blog for the month. A cool chronicle of my many days and many ways. I bet you're wondering how i spent my first month of 2023. The answer is mostly coofing. 

Since no new year can ever start off normal, I spent the whole month sick as fucking shit. It was brutal. I had a wretched cough, i had a wicked ear infection, i had a sore throat, congestion, fatigue, cold shivers and hot flashes, every symptom known to man and more. I was basically dead for like 3 weeks.

In this state of waking death i passed the hours in my darkened tomb with movies and games and audio books. There were no days and nights, just a timeless tunnel of terror where my nurse was nyquil and my doctor the tv.

Much of what i consumed is a blur. But now that my consciousness is returning and i’m once again coherent enough to express myself with words instead of inarticulate sneezes and wheezes, here’s a collection of short reviews of some of the movies i watched and games i played, at least the ones i remember. These are the scattered recollections of a dying man. 

MOVIES

Ip Man

This one’s been in my watch later list for about 10 years, and it took being sick and seeing the reaper to wanna grab life by the butt and finally watch it. It’s a rad Martial Arts Movie about a real life Wing Chun legend who trained Bruce Lee. I don’t know how much of the movie is what actually happened, but if even 1 percent of it is accurate to this dude’s life then his face ought be on candles like Jesus.

It takes place during the occupation of China by Japan in WW2. Ip Man happens to be a Chinaman so that’s a problem for him. He starts out just hanging out with his hot wife kicking anyone’s ass who comes into his house, but when the Japanese take over he becomes poor as shit and has to work shoveling gravel like a broke bitch.

Then his buddy gets beat up to death by this King Shit Japan Man, so Ip Man finally decides fuck this i’m kicking everybody’s ass until you fuccboi soldiers clear the fuck out of my country. He then proceeds to lay the smackdown on everyone who doesn’t know the difference between Sweet n Sour Chicken and General Tso’s Chicken. Suffice to say, it’s cool as fuck.

Drunken Master

Legend of Drunken Master is one of my favorite movies ever but it’s technically the 2nd one. This is the first one, which i never saw. This one shows how Jackie became the drunken master in the first place. It’s not the quite a masterpiece on the level of Legend, but it’s highly entertaining nonetheless.

The best part of the movie is the Old Master who teaches Jackie. He’s awesome, and not in the 2nd one cause he had probably croaked by then, or he was just passed out drunk in his shack the whole time.

There’s a great training montage where Jackie is trying to slack off the whole time. There’s a ton of very funny scenes like that but the best scene in the movie isn’t a funny one at all. It’s just a long scene of Jackie outside doing all the different drunken styles in order to show that he learned them. It’s literally just a scene of a guy by himself moving around and looking cool, and it kicks ass.

Life

This very sad but also hilarious period piece stars Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy as two 1930s guys who hate each other but get framed for a murder and have to live together in prison for the next 40 years. Bernie Mac plays a guy called Jangly Legs and if that doesn’t convince you to watch this, you’re obviously a troglodyte.

Bushwick

Cool Batista movie from a few years ago that i've never heard anyone talk about. They should because it's unique and quite good. Batista plays... get this.. a tough but vulnerable quiet guy. What's next, is Keanu gonna say woah while owen Wilson says wow? Is Maggie Gylenhall gonna be a shy sex pervert? I hope so because that's exactly what i want. Typecasting is a good thing sometimes.

The plot of the film is Batista and this girl running around trying to survive as civil war breaks out in the US. That's all. It's just an hour and a half of getting through the city trying not to get shot. The interesting thing is it's one of those "one take" movies, at least stylistically. There are a couple obvious cuts and it doesn't hide them. But most of the shots are long, low to the ground, and follow the characters like a video game, it works for this kind of movie where you're supposed to feel like you're in the shit. It's good. 

TV SHOWS

Doom Patrol S4

Still my favorite superhero show going currently but sadly this season does that stupid mid season break shit that i hate, so there’s only like 6 episodes that end on an indefinite cliffhanger. HBO? More like HBOh Hell No.

The Last of Us

Faithful adaptation of the game that actually adds to the source material in decent ways by fleshing out the world. The only thing i don’t like about it is Pedro Pascals wispy peach fuzz excuse for a beard. I can’t wait to see Neil Druckman ruin this all over again in season 2 by stubbornly sticking to the same retarded story that murdered the second game.

GAMES

Lost Odyssey

In my long life i have many regrets, one of which is never playing this game. It came out on the 360 in 2007, and is basically if Highlander were made by a bunch of ex-Squaresoft guys from back when Squaresoft was cool, which no one will remember but me because i’ve been around for eons.

Does it kick ass? Well the first half hour does, but that’s as far as i got. Further play time is required before i can truly tell what must be told.

Axiom Verge 2

The first Axiom Verge was easily my favorite of the 500 metroid style games that get released every year. I'm only a little ways into the sequel but it's got some hella pretty environments and great music. Also you play as a chick this time. Chicks have tits. So that's cool. 

Dante's Inferno

God of War clone from the ps3 era that reimagines the 14th century epic poem into a gory story about an edgelord crusader who sews the bloody diaper of Jesus into his chest and has to rescue his hot naked girlfriend from Satan on account of all those wartime atrocities he did.

Great art design in this one. They didn’t hold back at all in their depiction of Hell. It’s as hardcore as a Cannibal Corpse album cover with all kinds of screaming dead people, mutilated monsters, and big giant titties of history’s greatest whores. 

If this game were made now it would be a walking simulator, and even that would still be cool just because of the source material. But since it was the mid 2000s they decided to make it an ultra violent hack n slash instead, which is easily in the top 5 smartest decisions ever made by anyone.

Oddworld Abes Oddsyeye 

I haven't played this since i was 9. It's as good as i remember, but about a million times harder than i remember. I just wanna get to the part with the scrabs cause i love those guys but i totally suck now. I gotta do a training montage to remember how to play this game, and also to remember how to spell Oddsey. 

What a stupid word. I regret playing two games with Odseyesey in the title. Spell check is doing that thing where it keeps telling me i'm wrong but doesn't have any solutions to offer and i'm fresh out of patience so i ain't correcting shit. Oddsey. Odsyey. Odessee. Whatever, it's all Greek to me. 

THE END

Okay that's all for now. Stay tuned and keep giving me money for another exciting Buttchugger Blog next month. What adventures will i get up to now that i can leave the house again? You'll just have to wait and see... my buttchug odyssey. Oh hey, that looks right.