Playing God. (Patreon)

Oh yeah baby, this is the shit i love, the shit i live for, this is the POWER floating through the VEINS of the WARRIOR! 

Since i assembled my first actual "computer" machine in 2015 one of the purest and last joys in my life has been going back and experiencing the decades-spanning library of acclaimed and beloved PC games that never graced my precious Poopstation 0. 

In a just and fair world i'd have had my baby-brain blown by these assorted masterworks in their heyday, but the cruel and capricious Poindexters in charge of these things just weren't cool enough to put their games on consoles where they fucking belong. 

Yes it's true, still to this day I've never played the first Half Life, or System Shock, or Marathon, or all the other cool shooters that lifelong PC chads like The Examined Life of Gaming are always going on about. But hey, at least i played 107 versions of Doom, that was on everything. Plus we console kids had Turok and Goldeneye so blow me, that was the real shit, or as we said back in the day, The BOMB. 

(And no, Having fan-made emulations and steam remasters now doesn't count, you had to be there at the time. Dorks.) 

What the hell was my point? Oh yeah, don't worry i had plenty of cool shooters, and eventually i'll get to the ones i missed out on too. But you wanna talk about something PC gamers had that i've always been deeply envious of? Hows about a whole stinking genre!

This Sid Meier shit? Civilization 3? I never got to play anything like this growing up. Oh sure there were plenty of Sim Cities and Sim Theme Parks that got ported to consoles, but nothing on this scale. I don't even know what you call a game like this, God Games? Culture Farms? Illuminati Simulators? 

Apparently there are 6 of these, so i assume they get even more advanced, but 3 was the one i happened to have installed for some reason (no one knows where steam games come from, you just pick them up over the years like new joints in your body that start popping as you get older).

Frankly my dear, i don't even think i wanna know how much more advanced this series gets. I don't know for sure if my console baby ant-brain can handle it. This 3rd one here is already blowing my fuckin wig back with it's quantum-mechanics level of... mechanics. The depth, the complexity, the options! 60 years of Goomba stomping didn't prepare me for this galaxy-brained shit. 

Point being, this game is awesome even though i suck at it, and i'm glad i finally played it. Now, onwards to every other cool and classic game i've never played! Pretty soon i'll have played every rad game ever created! That's my quest, my sworn duty as the living nexus of all gaming wisdom and knowledge, and i won't rest until that knowledge is complete.

Or maybe I'll just keep smoking cigars and getting laid. Hell yeah. On second thought fuck playing games i ain't got time for that geek shit. Smell ya later, nerds.

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...OH CRAP IT'S MY JOB!