I Am Zoom. (Patreon)

Did somebody say insane video game podcasts? Well here's another one, recorded on a whim for no reason that i can think of. 

No wait, i'm remembering. Give me a second here. Let me access the vaulted depths of my mystical mind and travel back in time to a week and a half ago... to align my focus and recall my motives when i recorded this.... okay got it. 

The origin of this retardation starts about 3 or maybe 4 weeks ago. I was stuck in a hotel room (as i tend to be these days) with nothing to do, but then i remembered i had a SNES classic in my car that i bought forever ago and never opened. 

Weighing the value of possessing an unopened one vs. the agony of being bored for even one tenth of a second in my life, i ultimately decided it was worth it to plug the little guy in and play some good old Super Nintendo. 

If you want my review of the snes classic. it's pretty sick. A good deal for any oldschool fools out there who want a convenient collection of classic games, but aren't enough of a fucking loser to understand emulation. 

"b-b-b-ut it's so easy to emulate, (breathing heavily) i have the entire Nintendo library on a raspberry pie installed into my 150 pound dual monitor PC rig, and all i have to do is carry it around on my back  and reassemble it everywhere i go, and then configure the controllers and troubleshoot the hexadecimal matrix while moving my ancillary files to the retro_apps.42X folder with the tuning fork in Flapjaw Space. it's super convenient and sooo simple. You're just a console baby"

Yeah, i'm a console baby, and you're a virgin. 

It took me all of 2 minutes to plug this adorable little baby-snes into the TV and swan-dive into a respectable selection of the greatest games ever made. Super Metroid, Hell Yeah. Final Fantasy 3 (or VI if you're a pedantic asswipe), Hell Yeah. Earthbound, Hell Yeah. Donkey Kong Country, Hell Yeah. Kirby Super Star, hell yeah. Super Mario RPG, Hell Yeah. Super Mario World, Hell Yeah. Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, Hell Yeah. Etcetera. Etcetera. Hell Yeahs all around. 

Anyways i spent a week or so swimming the warm waters of sins of the flesh, which is what i call the act of enjoying video games, and somewhere in there i managed to complete a full play through of The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past. Groovy. 

So far this has absolutely nothing to do with the podcast you're about to listen to but just hold on to your fairy bottles, i'm getting to that. While I was making my way through Zelda i had my laptop playing a bunch of I Am Games videos in the background, and i totally fell in love with the whole channel and it's concept. 

The tone of the channel is refreshingly conversational, and often feels unscripted, even when it isn't. It never comes off aggressive or cynical, only existing to celebrate games that are good, and even the more critical videos feel steeped in appreciation. It's dope. I love it. So in reflecting on Zelda: A Link To The Past, upon finally completing it (pretty much the last Zelda game i had previously let go unconquered all these years), i thought about writing something for it in the style and general tone of I Am Games, possibly even releasing it on the channel and being Games myself. 

I allowed myself to get pretty excited at the idea of making this video, while forgetting to actually make it. A week later, having written nothing whatsoever about Zelda, i suddenly awoke in the night, remembering all at once my burning desire to do an I Am Games something or other. 

Propelled by only faint recollections of what even a video game is, i plugged in this crap-ass amateur-hour Blue Yeti microphone and started ranting about the first games that came to my mind, none of which were Zelda, or had anything whatsoever to do with the SNES Classic. 

So here's my attempt at randomly improvising an I Am Games video about a bunch of weird games from my childhood that no one's ever heard of, and also Battletoads. As far as capturing the tone and feel of the I Am Games channel i think it's safe to say that i failed spectacularly... but so what, my thing is way cooler anyways. 

Here is some footage of the games discussed in this rambling tirade, just in case you want to watch along and see for yourself what i'm talking about. If i had my editing station with me i would just make it a video and drop some footage in myself. But desperate times call for multiple tabs. 

1. Battletoads and Double Dragon: The Ultimate Team

One of my favorite games ever, that i've talked about a million times before. This is another one of those supposedly "really hard" oldschool games that everyone waxes and wanes about how "impossible" it was to beat, but that i conquered when i was fucking 5, because i am the lord and master of all games and everyone on earth is a weakling and a coward compared to me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pMHiMT0HNk

2. James Pond 2: Operation RoboCod

This was one of the more memorably insane games from my childhood. You play as a cybernetic... secret agent... tadpole... thing on a mission to save The North Pole from rogue Christmas toys. All the music is made of farts and every environment resembles a nightmare. 

Somehow this weird little clusterfuck of a game got ported to every console ever made. Amiga, Mega Drive, Genesis, Game Gear, SNES, Game Boy Advance, and yes... even the fucking Switch. I don't know how it keeps coming back. I've never met another human who's played it but somehow it just won't die. It's actually kind of inspiring. After all this time i still don't know for sure if this game is good or not, but i know that i love it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW4xL2Pwrqw

3. ZOOM!

I've never met anyone who's even heard of this game so part of me still thinks i just made it up and Mandella Effected it into existence. But thanks to the internet i can see that apparently there are others out there like me who know the glory of Zoom! Zoomers, we call ourselves. No... wait... don't call me that.

This game is Hell. But like... a good Hell. A hell you're okay with being in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvKNPFPCwIQ

These assorted night-terrors and childhood visions are but a small smattering of the infinite, ancient gaming knowledge and secrets i have floating around in my all-knowing noggin. Stick with me, kids... and you'll learn of lost relics and buried treasures untold in your wildest dreams. Because I was Games before Games were Games and I've forgotten more Games than you'll ever Game. 

Come on, Boy!