Mania Madness 2018 (Patreon)

Hi friends, who wants to hear me talk about wrestling for 3 hours? Judging from the hundreds of subscribers i immediately lost, absolutely no one! Well too bad! Here's my 6-part review/recap/notreview/analysis/tortured screams of Wrestlemania 34! It's my favorite prolonged night-terror of the year!

I actually recorded this spiraling, rambling nightmare for a full 5 hours, but i left a lot of it on the cutting room floor. Stuff that was cut includes a lot of long, pointless tangents about things that don't matter, complaining about the Braun Strowman match a lot more, and raging about The Nia Jax storyline. 

I'll put up the cut material as an exclusive post for you 3 dollar and up bois and girls, since it wasn't bad, just too long. These tangents and tirades were like audio tampons, i felt they would pad out the videos, and break up the flow of an already overwhelming series, so i stuck em in the Women's Battle Royal trophy where they belong and called it a day. 

Every year i do some kind of video about Wrestlemania, and every year i regret it. I'm still searching for the right format for these. I've done it as vlogs (which i hate and will never do again) and now as a big long podcast broken up into parts (which i'm still unsure about). Maybe next year I'll just write something shorter and more concise. In any case these wrestling videos always bleed subs and are watched by basically no one, so for all the wrestling fans in my audience who constantly request that i talk about wrestling more, this is for you. 

This year marks my first ever blatant theft/appropriation of Dave Meltzer's patented 5-star rating system. I did it this way because everyone reviews wrestling but no one reviews it the same way and that annoys me. Brian Zane uses a 4-star system which is stupid and makes no sense. Some people use 10 scales, or letter grades. It's all dumb. Personally I think since Meltzer is the only wrestling reviewer whose scores anyone actually takes seriously, we should all just use his so it's easier for people to compare. 

"Meltzer gave this match 4 stars and Jess gave it 5 stars"

...is a lot easier to follow than

"Meltzer gave this match 4 stars out of 5 but Zane gave it 4 stars out of 4 and wrestle-fuck.net gave it a B- but my uncle Luigi over here gave it a 51 out of 79 with a Toilet Tuesday seal of Turd-proval."

Enough. Pick a scoring system and agree on it. Wrestling fans always complain about Meltzer's being the only voice and his scores being taken as gospel. Well if you want a variety of opinions, then maybe everyone should stop trying to get creative with *how* they score, and just conform to the 5 star system so we can compare them all easier. 

Besides, even Meltzer himself fucked up the 5 star system when he started giving Kenny Omega matches 6 stars, and 6 and a half stars. What the hell? What does the 5 star system even mean anymore? Has the whole world gone crazy? Am i the only one who around here who gives a shit about the rules?

That's why I'm officially taking the Reigns as the new Dave Meltzer. He's betrayed us all. He is a heretic who has sacrificed the integrity of his own scoring system and plunged the entire wrestling fan community into leaderless chaos. With MY 5 star scoring system i am bringing integrity, intensity, and intelligence back to wrestling journalism once and for all. Only to once more abandon it because after 5 straight hours of podcasting i never want to talk about wrestling again. 

Anyways here's my stupid crap. 

First up my review of the superb NXT takeover event from the Saturday before Mania. This one, short event contained 2 matches that earned my rare and illustrious 5 star rating. A better all around show than Wrestlemania itself and about 17 hours shorter. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5bBnRAOqnU

After that, Wrestlemania begins.... just kidding! You poor fool. You thought it was that easy? You thought you could just watch Wrestlemania, be sports-entertained, and have it take less than half your natural lifespan? Naive child. Brave, but naive. You don't even GET to watch Wrestlemania... until you watch the Wrestlemania KICKOFF SHOW. HA. If only i could "KICK" my ADEEKSHUN to pro wrestling and get "OFF" the drug known as "watching wrestling all the time". 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXFAlrxLLts&t=1117s

Are you still alive? Do you still crave more? Glutton for punishment are you? Wrestlemania hasn't even BEGUN yet, and already you've seen TWO 5 star matches, TWO terrible battle royals, 197 scary Paige commercials, and a trophy you could grow a baby in. Well strap yourself in, because only NOW are you ready for THE ULTIMATE THRILL RIDE(tm). A journey beyond reason and rationality, past the Outer Limits and through the Scary Door to Parts Unknown. Beneath the Curtain of Kayfabe, behind the veil of reality and beyond the beyond, at the intersection of Hulkamania and Macho Madness where Sanity is lost and PAIN is a book written by two guys named after the Ooze mutants in Ninja Turtles 2. 

QUIET ON THE SET! WINTER IS HERE! THE BALOR CLUB IS FOR EVERYBODY BUT NOBODY IS READY FOR THE EMPRESS OF TOMORROW! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WRESSSSTLINNNGGGG!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PorB3Ni7TLs

AHAHAHAHA THE SHOW'S NOT OVER YET! NOT EVEN CLOSE!

Foolish mortal. You wished for sports entertainment, now watch as the monkey's paw curls it's second to last finger to mock you with a middle finger wish you dare not risk taking. This divine comedy is only just getting started and you've still got about 93,000 layers of Wrestling Hell to descend. You're already strapped in, well now you're about to get LOCKED UP. 

Hopes and dreams? LOCKED UP.

Delusions of grandeur? LOCKED UP. 

Peace of mind and freedom of will? LOCKED UP. 

Your very soul? 

LOCKED. UP. In the USO PENITENTIARY. You'll rot in your tiny cell here for countless eons, with each NEW DAY heralding the return of your only visitors, 2 bad BROTHERS who like BLUDGEON punks like you who thought you could get away with enjoying WRESTLING. 

WHAM!!   SLAP!   KER-SPLAT!

That's the noise your body, bones, organs, and testicles make every day, chained to a wall in the DUNGEON OF DOOM. Where the water is NOT HOT but the smoke from your ball sack IS, as KANE and THE SHOCKMASTER take turns on you with the JUMPER CABLES. By the time they're done with you, you'll be BEGGING to go back to the BLUDGEONING. 

But even that mercy will not be granted, for your torture is only just beginning. For i have seen the sin of your hubris. You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? But wrestling was watching. Wrestling was listening. Wrestling is always watching and listening for WEAK mortals who like to run their mouths on TERRIBLE PODCASTS. 

Oh yes. I can see your eyes widening as you remember the sin that earned you this next punishment. You may have MOCKED puny Ronda Rousey, the fake UFC fighter, but you will soon MARVEL at the MIGHT of ROWDY RONDA ROUSEY, THE REAL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! 

COWER! GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES LIKE THE WORM-WITH-KNEES YOU ARE, AND BEG FOR MERCY. But you will receive none, though you weep with remorse... those tears are deemed to be nothing more than CROCODILE TEARS OOOH YEAH!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5mfFlXMGUE&t=860s

Oh you little fuck. You stupid little bastard. You've done it now. You've gone and made a big mistake. I can't allow you to think you can just walk away. So turn around, and face the piper, you're gonna pay. THE END IS NOW, and this is gonna be your JUDGEMENT DAY. 

A cheap shot. That's the way that you play the game. I was blindsided. Things will never, ever be the same. Nice guys? It's said they always finish last. But badasses... ALWAYS KICKING ASSHOLE'S ASS!

YOU'RE GONNA PAY! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

THERE'S NO FORGIVENESS THIS TIME!

YOU'RE GONNA PAY! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

IT'S MY BUSINESS! YOU'RE MINE!

YOU'RE GONNA PAY! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

I'M BURNING THESE ONES TO THE GROUND!

YOU'RE GONNA PAY! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!

I'M GONNA BRING YOU DOWN. 

That's right. Dead man walking.  Prepare to be BURIED alive, STRUCK by lightning, KILLED by DEATH, SHOT by THE LAST OUTLAW, FUCKED by the PHENOM, BEATEN by THE BIG EVIL, MASSACRED by MEAN MARC, BLOODIED by BOOGER RED, ASS-KICKED by the AMERICAN BADASS, DOOMED by the DONG of DESTRUCTION, and TOMBSTONED all the way to HELL by Paul Bearer's CREEPY COMPANION. 

If you don't get the picture by now, let me spell it out for you. Playa, you bout to go ONE on ONE with DA UNDERTAKER!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SWwMlXggrw&t=133s

Sportsmanship is lame and stupid

So you get a punch below the belt

Here comes Nakamura

to batter your balls like fried tempura

Here in level 12 of Wrestling Hell

Ha. He he heee. Haa hahah HEEE hOoO hUE hUE HAHa heH. 

yOuR ToRTURE StILL iSNT COmPLETE. 

I... have saved. the best.... the worst. the most EVIL TORTURE for last. 

I know your spirit is already BROKEN. and yoUR BODY is MANGLED. I know yoUR Very MIND has already bEEN TORN ASUNDER. 

But itss.... ssssttttilll not enough. You must suffer MORE. YOU MUST. SUFFER. MORE. 

wHAT woudl YOU Do, if i you haD to SuffER The ULTIMATE PAIN. NOt once. NOt Twice. but THREEEEEEEEEEEEE  TIMES. 

Thats THREE TIMES. 

THREE TIMES. 

THREEE TIEMS. 

hohohohohohaohahahaoahahahheheiheiheihihaoahaoahoahaohaohahaaho

You'vE SEEN what happens when an UNSTOPPABLE force meets an IMMOVABLE obJECT

You've SEEn ICONS battle LEGENDS. 

YOU'VE sEEN a SUPER MAN fight a PHENOM

YOuVE SEEn The BEST in THE WOrld vs. THe BEST THERE IS. 

WARRIORS AND HULKS. KINGS AND QUEENS. YouVE sEen REPO Men and BOOGIE MeN, and VOODOO PRiesTs and IRS. 

buT ALL of tHAT is but a mere PRELUDE to thE ECSTASY OF PAIN when you must beAR WITNESS over and over and over again... to what happens... when thE BIG DOG meets THE BEAST. 

YESSS! I DANCE tO THE tUNE of YoUR SCrEAMS. YoU'RE GOinG to DIE HeRe ALONE. 

alONE... watching...

B R O C K  L E S N A R 

VS. 

R O M A N  REEEIIIIIIGGGNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSS

FOR THE 3rd YEAr IN  A  ROW!!!!!!! !*@^*(^&*#%%@^%&%

AHAHA HAHA shhJShkHgjkaga AhU EUY huHWUIGUIGGEGUG

A hHEHEHE EHEHE HEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHIE

yes.... SCrEAM for mE. wEEEP for youR mAsTEr. I am yoUR WRESTLING SATAN. tHE KING of youR TORMENT. I aLONE hAVE suffERED in the daRK of this PiT. I haVE BLED for WresTLINg... and NOW  yoU WiLL know my AGONY, and my PAIN, and my TORTURE..... for a THOUSAND LIFETIMES. 

....Oh and by the way. I was wrong...

IT'S ACTUALLY THE 4TH TIME IN A ROW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql6GJAQtsiI&t=1082s

hehehhehhehehe

now.

now you know. 

now you know the truth of the aaaaaaah Wresltlinggg.

WrEStLINg. 

WREStLING.

WRRrrRREEZZTLiNNGGGGGGG.