RE: Trailer Trash 52 pt 5 (Patreon)

The Sandboro mall was just as Tabitha remembered it from last month when she’d gone shopping with Alicia and Elena—the broad space was still just as lively and crowded, the seasonal decorations were all still up, and the sheer atmosphere still tugged at the heart of her inner child. Some of the novelty was gone now that they were visiting again so soon, and it was a strange feeling.

It’s—I don’t know, Tabitha wore a small smile as she walked down the concourse with Elena, taking in the sights. It feels strange. Like I was JUST HERE with them, not long ago. It felt like an EVENT, like a BIG OCCASION. But then, we’re just here again, and it’s still like this—people everywhere, sense of excitement in the air. Weird for me to grasp that it can just be like this here all the time, that it can feel like there’s always this something going on. I can see why Elena keeps getting pulled back here.

Tabitha thought herself used to large, open social spaces like this, but the act of actually frequenting them felt new. In her past life, she’d been conditioned by growing up in poverty, and had long adopted the mindset to avoid going out like this when she didn’t feel like she had spending money to spare. It made her wonder how long that ingrained sense of inferiority, of being trailer trash would stick with her.

Hanging out at the mall is a COMPLETELY NORMAL TEENAGE GIRL thing to do, Tabitha told herself. It’s hardly BOURGEOISIE. Elena’s comfortable here, she feels like she belongs. I can, too. Just need to stamp down that incredulous, giddy feeling and play it cool. Act normal.

“Are you mad at me?” Elena asked.

“What?” Tabitha snapped out of her thoughts. “No, no.”

They walked on together past several more storefronts without making eye contact with another or saying a word. Tabitha felt like she was hurrying to shove out her meandering mess of errant thoughts and focus on Elena so that she could pick up on whatever social cue she’d missed, there. She hadn’t meant to seem quiet, or angry, or standoffish, and now she felt guilty her thoughts had wandered. Paying attention now to her friend, really paying attention, Tabitha still found Elena difficult to read.

“I was upset for a bit,” Tabitha admitted. “When I found out you told people about Julie. But—realizing why you did that, knowing you were just, uh, worried about me, worried for me. I do appreciate that. I think… I think just, so much of that stems from this big, stupid misunderstanding.”

“Misunderstanding?” Elena asked, still not glancing her way.

“Yeah,” Tabitha said. “I shouldn’t have dropped the future stuff on you. I didn’t want to—well, okay, naturally I kind of wanted to—but, I mean. It wasn’t smart. Not yet. Makes complete sense that you don’t buy into any of it, and I totally do understand that. But, then at the same time, it’s… it’s complicated.”

“I really don’t believe the future stuff,” Elena gave her an awkward shrug. “I wanted to. I just… don’t. I’m sorry.”

“No no no, you don’t have anything to be sorry for!” Tabitha assured her, slowing her steps and taking Elena’s shoulder to get her attention. “I’m serious. What happened, my story—it’s unbelievable. Literally; no one would believe it. Why would they? Elena, trust me. It’s completely okay.”

“Then—” Elena’s eyes finally flicked up to meet her. “Why go around talking about it? I—I just, I seriously don’t get it. If you were really from the future, you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Well,” Tabitha couldn’t help but wince. “No. If you were from the future, you wouldn’t tell anyone. Because, that’s common sense. Because—why out yourself as crazy? When no one would believe you. Why potentially sacrifice your advantages? It’s just… with me, it doesn’t even get as far as that.”

“Then…?” Elena gave her a searching look.

“I’m weak,” Tabitha said.

That admission wasn’t difficult, or complicated. When she said it out loud, it just seemed like a very matter-of-fact thing to say. Like it was something both of them should have already known, some general thing that everyone accepted as the truth.

“I couldn’t do this on my own,” Tabitha explained. “I’m not strong enough. I am not the kind of person who goes back in time and knows what to do. I never had drive like you do. My goals were always—were—you know. Nebulous, vague. The things I wanted, or thought I wanted, I didn’t understand them really, or ever even tried to work through all the hows and whys. Because, why torture myself like that, everything I desired was way beyond my reach, anyways. Right?”

Tabitha swallowed.

“Uh, and,” Tabitha felt that this part was a lot more difficult to say out loud. “And, having you and Alicia, making friends, real friends as a teenager, I really just. Hate the idea of keeping the truth from you. Keeping big secrets. It made our friendship feel—well, not fake, but um. Like I was just pretending to be a real teenager, and keeping what—or uh, who? Whatever it is that I really am from you, and that that would, uhh. I don’t know. Poison the relationships? When you guys did inevitably find out and learn the truth and everything. Like, maybe you would hate me for, or, well maybe not hate, but—resent me? For keeping it from you for so long?”

She felt that she was blushing furiously, and Tabitha wished a sinkhole would open up in the ground beneath her and swallow her whole. Anything to save her from this embarrassing situation.

“So, I—yeah, I just jumped on the first opportunity to spill everything out,” Tabitha summed up. “Both times, basically. To spill the beans. Even when it wasn’t smart, or sensible. Even when yeah, obviously neither of you have any reason to believe me. Because, all of that sorta made me realize that I don’t care about using future knowledge to my advantage, for wealth or fame or anything like that. I don’t have a cool revenge story or anything like that. No great ambition that I was just waiting to have the chance to spring.

“What I want is to have real friends, to grow up with real friends,” Tabitha finished. “Even if that’s, uh, stupid or trivial compared to what I probably should be doing with a second chance at life. Just, I didn’t get to have friends like this last time through, and that, uh. I feel like that haunted me, my entire life.”

Elena regarded her with a look for a long, tense moment without saying anything. Tabitha couldn’t decipher what her friend was thinking, or what that look was supposed to mean, and as the seconds ticked by Tabitha couldn’t help but find herself fidgeting. Regretting that she’d said anything on this topic at all.

“It’s really annoying,” Elena sighed, shaking her head. “Because, I can tell you really, actually believe all this. This would be so much easier if you faking it for attention. I could understand if you were making it all up for attention. But, I don’t think you are. I really don’t think you are. And yet, I still don’t believe you’re really from the future.”

“Yeah,” Tabitha pulled her lips back in a grimace. “So…?”

“So, you’re crazy,” Elena summed it up. “But, I guess we’re still friends. Right?”

“Yeah?” Tabitha felt an embarrassing surge of hope.

“I can have weird friends,” Elena gave her another expressive shrug. “It’s whatever. Alicia’s already weird. Ziggy is—well. Yeah. I guess what I’m saying, then is… sorry for telling them about the Julie thing. I seriously thought that you were uh, well. That it was that sort of coded Uncle Vampire kind of thing, and I freaked out and just—went over your head. Because, I thought you were… unable to actually communicate to people that something really bad was going on.”

“I do appreciate your intentions there,” Tabitha nodded. “I, I understand.”

“So—to be one hundred percent clear,” Elena held up her hands. “You’re not… dealing with any of that? That sort of stuff? Not getting touched? Or, molested? None of that kind of thing is happening?”

“None of that, I promise,” Tabitha assured her. “I promise.”

“Okay,” Elena let her hands drop. “Then… yeah. You’re just crazy, and I’ll… figure out how to deal with that? I guess?”

“Cool,” Tabitha broke into a smile.

“Cool,” Elena eyed Tabitha carefully and gave her a nod. “So—sing me another song from the future?”

“Another one?” Tabitha all but bounced in place as they started forward across the mall again. “Sure, yeah. Awesome. Uhh—what kind of song? It’s okay? For me to get into that stuff, when you don’t believe I’m really from the future?”

“The last one you came up with was good,” Elena reasoned. “I’ve asked Ziggy, she never heard of any of those lyrics. My parents hadn’t, either. Even typed them into that Google web page you love you so much, didn’t get a thing back, just nonsense. So, either it’s this super obscure song that I just haven’t come across yet, or… you have an actual pretty amazing talent for writing songs. Which would also make sense, because you’re a writer, or whatever.”

“Right, right,” Tabitha nodded along. “That’s reasonable enough. Good alibi? Just, to be clear, between you and me—I did not write these songs, and do not take credit away from Amy Lee for any of this. I love her and she deserves all that respect, not me. Okay? Like, I need you to acknowledge that for me, even if you don’t really believe me about things.”

“...Sure?” Elena gave her a quizzical look, and for once the ghost of a smile appeared.

“And also—” Tabitha glanced around the other shoppers walking this way and that around them. “Sorry if it winds up making a scene?”

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/// Short bit today, still distracted with maybe moving soon. Went and toured the place, put in an offer with the realtor. Seller hasn't responded to the offer yet. Even though I've already refreshed my inbox a bunch. Just in case.

Poll: Which song lyrics jar Ziggy from out of her doldrum Hot Topic work shift, heralding the arrival of Elena and That Weird Suspicious Girl.