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AHE: Exterior Day (Patreon)

Published:
2018-12-14 04:38:32
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Content

5 background illustrations, 3 background crowds.

9/11/2022 Convention crosswalk. 10/13/2022 Additional traffic:

09/20/2022 plaza update. 10/27/2022 crowd update:

12/03/2022 Convention Plaza 3. 01/15/2023 People added to plaza:

06/16/2022 Convention Plaza 2. 07/012022 Plaza crowd:

06/22/2021 Crowd of attendees:

( Westerlin Hotel Day | AnimeCon Harem Eroge | Rivera Residence )

Comments

Malcolm Tent

The official name for this chapter is Battle of the Queen Annes Revenge

Jedi Khan

Not bad at all. A little editing for grammar here and there, but otherwise a decent start to the next chapter.

Jedi Khan
>>18001487

If you're looking for more visuals, then how about these? The look in Stephanie's eyes as she watches Kelly, a look that Kelly notices. Could tie into Kelly noticing Steph isn't stuttering. Flickers of red sparking in Kelly's mind as her hand plays across Brian's chest, growing in intensity as her hand slips lower, but stops short of a full on blaze when her hand stops. Brian's gaze getting a faraway look as he turns introspective to answer Kelly's question, then when he turns his gaze upon her, she finds herself drawn in by the warmth - a fire almost - she sees in his eyes, a warmth meant for her.

Timtom12
>>18001487

You could always throw in more foot fetish if you want visuals. I don't want it, but you started that topic anyways.

Timtom12

I like the chapter, looks like things are heating up.

FortySixtyFour
>>18001487

Haha, I don't know if I want to go any more into feet, but I think there's a place in the story JUST after this portion that'll be perfect for very detailed descriptions of Kelly and Stephanie's current state. My struggle now being, which character POV would it read best from.

FortySixtyFour
>>18002671

Thank you! I can't decide if I should have the next section reveal the effect on Kelly (and her hair) or if I should focus on Gamer Girls.

Jedi Khan
>>18001487

Why not write from both (or all three, if Brian is included) perspectives first then choose? Or maybe not choose at all? It would be interesting to see how each character's perspective differs when talking about the same thing. I can see Kelly viewing what's going on with some trepidation, as she continues to reconcile her commitment issues with what appears to be a very happy future being offered to her, while Steph is not sure what's going on, but eagerly jumps in regardless like a newborn bird learning to fly.

FortySixtyFour
>>18001487

Haha... hah. I've done that before, and it usually turns into a clusterfuck where I have too much content that ruins the pacing and a hard time letting go of any of it/trimming it down.

Roethan
>>18001487

I'd say once they decide who gets the massage first have it switch to their perspective. Then most of the way through switch to the other one. Then girl two can comment on what she saw before getting her own. Close up with Brian's PoV towards the end and he can comment on the way girl two looks/sounds/feels before comparing them. End foot massage section. I'd see that working pretty smooth without being too hard to follow. It would also let everyone have a "voice."

Roethan
>>18002671

I was wondering about it through the entire kiss. I'm wondering how much of her hair is going to change, cuz it looks like there was far more passion in that kiss than in the hesitant ones with Steph.

Roethan
>>18001487

That stuff WORKS! There is a lot of potential for emotions there. I'm not big into feet, but I AM big into emotions.

Jedi Khan
>>18001487

Well, it's not so much that *I* wanted to read about a foot massage, as I was sorta expecting it to happen. Isn't a massage a common segue to intimacy? Besides, I can't imagine any woman really being able enjoy a tango while her feet hurt.

FortySixtyFour
>>18002671

Haha, now I'll also have to worry that the hotel room scenes will feel like the actual story, while all of the convention itself will be considered pointless filler...

Jedi Khan
>>18001487

Besides, didn't Kelly get a taste of Brian's magic hands during the Truth-or-Dare game? Why would she pass up the opportunity to feel that again? Plus, if she was indeed worried about her feet being dirty, she could probably convince Brian to wash her feet first, which could turn into a truly pampered feeling that will make her never want to leave Brian all by itself. And of course Steph would get the same treatment, just so she's not left out, further cementing that Brian is committed to the both of them.

B S
>>18002671

maybe just a streak of Red ?? It would look sexy as hell

Kimu Taka

I have also noticed that the chaos, confusion, and conflicts all seem to happen in the convention. The intimacy and emotions happen in the hotel. Or at least to some degree; there's Venn diagram with the two overlapping, I'm sure. Also more red hair for Kelly and I wonder how this might get weird if Emily just pops into the room (or would that just add to another conflict to keep things going, I mean it's only Saturday afternoon right?)

ZeroCross
>>18001487

On the subject on visuals, I'm often one to read visuals diagonallyé Usually, they put more pressure on me having a fixed idea in my head while at the same time lacking clarity. Not with you. Your visuals feel *active*, enhancing the action rather than take away from it. You're so good at it that it's humbling. So, you can probably get away with more in this part, too. That being said, the focus is less on visuals and more so on Kelly's thoughts here. It feels right that, from Kelly's perspective, there's less focus on the physical and more on her thoughts and emotions. That's where HER focus is at.

ZeroCross
>>18001487

On the subject of feet, you're good at not making it about feet. While I think it'd feel out of place here, and I think all three of them might want to wait until after a shower, you make it sexy and meaningful without us <i>needing</i> to be into feet.

ZeroCross
>>18002671

That would be true if you didn't make us care about these characters but we do. The hotel scenes are the <b>climax</b> of all the tension you've built up at the convention.

FortySixtyFour
>>18001487

I'm mostly remembering a particular instance after a con where I took off my boots and almost couldn't even stand up anymore (13+ hours on my feet in costume, crappy boots with thin soles, on my feet all day previous day) and I ended up grabbing a pen and using the other side to stab and rake the thing across the bottom of my feet. It sounds awful, but at the time it felt like heaven. I'll do a little bit of light reading on foot fetishism like I did on spanking. It doesn't HAVE to be the focus, but it can't hurt to be more aware of the aspects, I guess. If it's happening at an emotionally charged moment and feels like sex, that's probably how that sort of fetish crops up in the first place.

FortySixtyFour
>>18002671

That's part of why I'm leery of posting up any of this chapter before it's more polished for you guys, ZeroCross... a lot of this is gonna be the culmination of things readers have been looking forward to since they started the story. I want it to be really satisfying to read.

ZeroCross
>>18002671

Oh, and we get that. The issue is, your readers <i>strongly</i> disagree with you over how great your rough drafts are. Is the final product better? Yes, duh. But that doesn't mean your published "drafts" are not outstanding. You're very talented and have high quality standards. It's up to you, but don't underestimate yourself.

Scruffleupagas

My concern with Emily popping ina at an inopportune time is that I HATE long drawn out conflict that could be solved with basic communication. That stuff totally happens in real life, but it feels like a waste of time when I have to read it.

HornsOfTheseus
>>18025750

I feel like it isn’t going to be super drawn out since Kelly clearly has a plan from her interaction with Emily last chapter. Plus Emily knows Stephanie and all three of them are affected by the charm.

HornsOfTheseus
>>18025750

Also Emily seems to have all kinds of anime themed kinks so she may be more amenable to sharing.

Scruffleupagas
>>18025750

I'm honestly not super concerned about it based on how things have gone so far. It's just the only concern because authors have surprised me before xD