RE: Trailer Trash 59, 59 pt 3 (Patreon)

    Tabitha woke up still tired.

    Her eyes felt sore as they stared up at the ceiling of her bedroom, and for a long time she didn’t have the energy to actually get up. Faint morning light seeping out insidiously from behind the curtain told her in rough terms what time it was, as much as she didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t even recall having any difficulty falling asleep last night—it felt wrong and unfair that she had been diligent and put in all of the hours to sleep, yet somehow her body had not done its job and rested.

   It was inordinately difficult to get herself moving for the day. 

   When she did rise it was with great reluctance, and with a stone-faced look of irritation Tabitha left behind the comfort and warmth of the covers and ambled down the hallway on heavy legs. The bathroom light was bright enough to turn her look of irritation into a squinty-eyed scowl, and then after sitting down there and doing her business she found it difficult to get back up. Normally by now her mind would be awash with thoughts about this and that, she would be thinking about her day or sinking into introspection—this was not one of those days.

    This was the kind of day where she stared at a random spot on the floor without thinking as seconds stretched on into minutes.

    By the time she got over to the mirror she saw a teenage girl angrily brushing her teeth there, and Tabitha glared at that reflection as she worked the toothbrush back and forth. She wasn’t really even upset at anything in particular. She just didn’t feel like doing this today, with ‘this’ being a broad, sweeping generalization referring to anything and everything. Tabitha wasn’t looking forward to anything at school, nor did she even want to try to go back to bed.

    It feels like that ship has sailed.

    Her Gameboy Color was retrieved from the stand beside her bed and placed into her bookbag. While she was there, she pulled out yesterday’s homework and scanned through it with listless eyes, not even sure what she was looking for—the worksheet was filled out, but she didn’t have the processing power right now to recheck the answers she had penciled in. Then, she zipped everything back up and walked out to the kitchen without even getting dressed. Normally Tabitha would have been a little spooked venturing out into the common areas of the house while still in her undies, but today she didn’t even care.

    She told herself that it was because she felt more at home and comfortable here, but that felt like a lie.

    Hannah’s lunchbox was wiped out and filled with the usual suspects, and then propped open in the fridge. The cut-off crusts from the sandwich were put on a napkin for Tabitha to eat for breakfast maybe, whenever her appetite materialized. She wasn’t feeling anything that took more effort than that, not even dropping something in the toaster.

    Tabitha returned to the bathroom and forced herself to pay enough attention for minimal makeup—today, that meant again dabbing cold color correction just beneath her eyes. Her orangish-red hair was flat and a little mussed, so she took a brush to it. Today felt less like a style her hair day and more like a let’s just wear a hat day, and likewise it didn’t seem like carefully picking an outfit that would be hidden under a hoodie or jacket all day was going to impress anyone.

    So, today she opted for the outfit that was next in line, the prom dress to faux vest one that she had donned months ago back when she had brought Elena to play tag with her cousins. It didn’t seem like it would matter what she wore. Nothing at all in the world mattered. Dark and dramatic teenage ennui had manifested by virtue of she was real fucking tired and Tabitha saw no reason to care about anything, anymore.

    She put on her shoes with annoyed, lethargic motions and climbed into the borrowed hoodie, and then slipped her bag over one shoulder. Tabitha couldn’t be bothered with the big coat today, she didn’t want to deal with lugging it around. Her hat, a beanie she discovered in the ‘birthday bucket’ from her mother, would maybe contribute enough warmth to make up the difference. Tabitha’s last glance around before leaving reminded her that she’d left bread crusts on the kitchen counter, and she made a face at them but eventually folded the napkin over and just put it into her pocket.

    She couldn’t throw them away—growing up as a poor trailer park kid ingrained a deep sense of duty within her. Wasting food was one of the cardinal sins. Putting the bread crust cutoffs in the fridge for later felt like it would invite questions or comments or conversation about it from the Macintires she didn’t want to put up with. Maybe she would snack on the crusts a bit later when she was hungry.

    It seemed more likely she would smuggle them out of the house and disregard them into the trash somewhere, which felt like a serious crime.

    No one would care, Tabitha told herself with a scowl as she finally stormed out the door. Nothing TO care about. Just me being my stupid self, thinking stupid things in my stupid mind that doesn’t even matter.

    * * *

    What the fuck, Tabitha glared hatefully out at the quiet suburban streets surrounding the bus stop. It’s fucking freezing.

    She’d left the house earlier than usual, because back there she’d been filled with the let’s just get on with it sentiment and wanted to just hurry up and leave. The bulky hunting jacket had been left behind because she was an idiot who didn’t think things through, and now she was hugging both arms tightly about herself—which was still awkward because of the cast, which was also cold, she could feel it—because the air outside was frigid.

    Tabitha felt too stubborn to go back for the coat, though.

    After all, she was already here and had been standing for a while. For all she knew the bus might come by the stop while she was returning back to the house for a jacket. So, instead she grit her teeth and shivered in misery, taking grim satisfaction at least in having something substantial to be pissy about. The other kids arrived late, bundled up in their winter clothing, but no one commented on Tabitha being underdressed. They probably didn’t notice or didn’t care—no one at this bus stop was particularly close, and they milled about at the corner there as strangers like always.

    The bus arrived, and Tabitha hurried to be the first to board. It was warm inside, but Tabitha was too preoccupied with presenting a grouchy appearance to enjoy it. Today she needed everyone to understand that she wasn’t feeling friendly or talkative, and that they should leave her alone. Gary seemed to intuit this on his own and let her off the hook on greetings or formalities today, simply giving her a solemn nod. She nodded back as she tromped down the aisle, then she dropped into a seat and huddled up against the window, which was also cold.

    Because of course it was.

    Arms crossed, Tabitha glared out the window as the bus rolled on, but she wasn’t watching the scenery passing by and she wasn’t really thinking about anything in particular, either. She was just staring, feeling irritated at everything and not even caring enough to determine why.

* * *

    “Tabitha. Where’s your jacket?” Alicia growled, storming over to where Tabitha was hunched up at their usual outside table in the quad. “It’s thirty-something degrees, you’re freezing.”

    “Didn’t bring it,” Tabitha hunched her shoulders up in a cranky shrug.

    “Wear my jacket,” Alicia said, dropping her backpack onto the table and starting to unzip her outerwear.

    “No—” Tabitha shook her head. “Then you’ll be cold.”

    “I’m already warm from wearing it,” Alicia said. “I’m all toasty. What’s wrong?”

    “Nothing,” Tabitha said. “Seriously, stop. I don’t want your jacket.”

    “Well, I don’t want you to be cold,” Alicia huffed. “You okay?”

    “Yeah,” Tabitha all but pouted. “Just having a crappy morning. Didn’t sleep well.”

    “Put this on,” Alicia insisted, whirling her jacket out and dropping it down onto Tabitha’s shoulders. “Here.”

    “I don’t want your jacket,” Tabitha repeated. “See? Now you’re cold.”

    “I am cold, now,” Alicia swore. “The hell. Why didn’t you bring your jacket?”

    “I just didn’t,” Tabitha didn’t know what else to say. “I have a hoodie.”

    “Okay. Whatever, shut up,” Alicia shook her head in dismay, dropping onto the seat next to her and huddling up against her for warmth. “Just, shut up.”

    “Take your jacket back.”

    “No. Shut up.”

    “Take it—”

    “Shut up. I am so serious.”

    Alicia’s jacket was warm, but wearing it only made Tabitha feel guilty. Today she was being childish and petulant, and there was a distant sense of dread in realizing she was sure to fail each and every little social hurdle and interpersonal obstacle today throughout her classes and then have to deal with the aftermath of that later on. The two sat in stiff silence, waiting for Elena to show up, but for whatever reason their third amigo was delayed today and failed to appear.

    “Bobby. Thank God,” Alicia rose up from the table the moment she instead spotted Bobby. “Give Tabitha your coat. I’m taking mine back. She’s in a mood, don’t ask.”

    “I didn’t say I was in a mood,” Tabitha grumbled.

    “Yeah, well,” Alicia shrugged.

    “Oh—kay?” Bobby looked from one girl to the other. “Yeah, here.”

    Alicia reclaimed her jacket that had been draped about Tabitha’s shoulders, and watched with a stern eye as Bobby quickly shucked off his coat and then helped Tabitha into it. It was a sporty winter one that she imagined a late nineties kid might wear snowboarding or such—she remembered him wearing it back during her birthday party, because they had shared a hug. It felt strange that that memory stood out, because surely Bobby had worn this same jacket to school the past several days, but that was just the way Tabitha’s mind was working this morning.

    “There we are, good to go,” Bobby rubbed his hands along his bare arms as he stepped back. “WheeeEWW, y-you know—it’s not even that cold out? It’s j-just a uh, it’s just a bit brisk. That’s all. Holy shitballs.”

    “Ugh,” Alicia grunted, rolling her eyes.

    Unlike Tabitha who had at least been wearing a hoodie—Bobby just had a t-shirt on beneath his coat, and his attempt at bravado fell flat when he immediately curled in on himself against the biting cold and began to shiver. Alicia stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him in a bear hug, and the two stood there in front of Tabitha, looking towards her as if for an explanation.

    “I don’t know!” Tabitha had the good decency now to blush. “Sorry. I just. I didn’t get any sleep, having a rough day. Didn’t grab my coat. By the time I really realized how cold it was, I didn’t want to try to go back for it.”

    It was mortifying watching a minor mistake from this morning snowball into a big ordeal here with her friends, and Tabitha didn’t even feel like she could face them right now. She didn’t want to deal with anything today, and so naturally it would be her own negligence—hubris—whatever, she couldn’t even decide on the right words—that ensured today she would have to put up with a whole bunch of headache. Due to her own carelessness.

    “Bobby, where’s your jacket,” Elena finally arrived. “Are you fucking stupid?”

    “I—I uhhhh,” Bobby laughed. “I forgot it?”

    “You—oh,” Elena seemed to realize the situation as she stepped closer and looked over each of them. “Okay. I take it back, kind of cool of you, Bobby. Tabitha?”

    “I didn’t bring my jacket,” Tabitha admitted with sullen defeat.

    “Think aunt Flo is visiting,” Alicia mouthed in a too-loud whisper, putting a grin on for Bobby.

   “Oh?” Bobby blinked in surprise. “Ohhh.”

    “I’m not on my period,” Tabitha huffed. “I didn’t get good sleep. That’s all. Not having a good day. That’s it. I’m sorry.”

    “Okay,” Elena shrugged. “But, yeah—Bobby’s turning blue, so maybe we should all just head inside?”

    “Hey—no worries!” Bobby’s teeth chattered—Tabitha suspected he was doing it on purpose, playing up the cold for laughs. “Hakuna Matata, it means no worries! My next period’s outside anyways, we got Personal Fitness. I’ll run it off. This ain’t nothin’, my bedroom’s colder’n this at night. Keep my fan goin’ no matter what. No biggie. Well, I mean it’s kind of a big deal, most other guys wouldn’t even be able to handle it? They’re not me, though.”

    “Tabs,” Alicia teased, patting Bobby’s back. “Bobby’s all cold over here—you take this side, yeah?”

    “I’m so cold,” Bobby pleaded, doing an immediate one-eighty on his stoicism from moments ago. “So cold—!”

    “Thank you for the jacket, Bobby,” Tabitha said grudgingly.

    She rose up out of her seat and joined Alicia in hugging Bobby, so that the pathetic shivering he was exaggerating was sandwiched between two girls wearing coats. Alicia gave Tabitha a rather judging look over Bobby’s back that slowly turned into an exasperated smile, and Elena slipped into the spot at the table Tabitha had just vacated.

    “Th-this is, th-this is so much better,” Bobby continued to shake and tremble. “You know what? This is the best day of my life. We should just do this every day?”

    “So,” Elena cleared her throat. “Tabitha? What’s going on? Spill.”

    “Nothing,” Tabitha grumbled. “I…”

    All of a sudden her denial felt like a lie, and Tabitha seriously worried that she was just acting out because she had wanted attention. That wasn’t normally the way she thought of herself, she didn’t like it, and embarrassment and shame throbbed through her as she tried to focus on why this morning everything felt so off. If only to have something to excuse her situation.

    “Tabs?” Alicia prodded. “C’mon, for real.”

    “I just… didn’t sleep, I guess,” Tabitha stared down at the Bobby’s shoulder, unable to even enjoy the big hug they were all sharing.

    “Honestly… my life is okay, right now. I mean, I’m dealing with stuff, but it’s just—it’s just the same stuff I’ve been dealing with, the same stuff I always deal with. I’m okay. I just woke up wrong, or on the wrong side of the bed, and—yeah. Thinking back… I must have had hundreds of mornings like this. Maybe thousands. Days where it’s hard to get up, days where I’m just feeling kind of down. Where you’re not exactly thrilled to go in for work, or school, or—whatever, but yeah you have to do it anyways.

    “Sometimes, I feel like maybe I’ve had more of those kind of days than ‘normal’ ones. Just, looking back on it all, those are the days you won’t remember. There’s nothing to remember. Sometimes you’re just… on autopilot. Going through the motions. Because you have to. Some days are just like this?”

    “Tabitha—I completely know what you mean,” Bobby said. “‘Cause, yeah. Some days just drag. Really drag.”

    “Yeah,” Tabitha said. “Sorry, guys. Didn’t mean to, uh.”

    “Didn’t mean to have all of us thinking this must be a cry for help?” Elena scoffed. “Didn’t mean to forget your coat, when it’s thirty degrees out? Literally freezing?”

    “I don’t know,” Tabitha gave her a helpless shrug. “Sorry. It’s—and it’s only mid-thirties. It’ll be mid-forties by this afternoon!”

    “Yeah, in Canada they’d be wearing flip-flops and shorts in this weather!” Alicia remarked. “Be time for them to break out the bikinis. Hell, there’s a guy in my one class who’s still wearing shorts. There’s always that one guy.”

    “We’ve been running the past couple days in this,” Bobby shrugged. “It’s, uh. It’s only super freezing right when you start, then you kinda warm yourself up as you go? S’like doing polar bear. Jumpin’ in a pool in winter, you know.”

    “Tabitha—are you going to be running early in the morning?” Elena asked. “I wanted us to run together. Especially if you’re still serious about trying for cheer with me.”

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/// Man, I want to say I hope you guys can relate, but also I hope you don't?