After AnimeCon: Show on the Road pt 2 (Patreon)

    Christine gathered up towels and the large comforter in an armful, looking around the dingy shack that had been her prison for the past month. She found herself very reluctant to leave this familiar environment—it seemed as though there was just no possible way for her to ever belong with the group out there. They cared about each other, they loved each other, and even the confident, sexy, and independent-seeming Kelly was willing to participate in what amounted to impromptu couples therapy with Emily.

    I don’t have a place there, Christine told herself. Even if they DID go out on a limb and try to connect with me out of pity, or out of sympathy—what is there to connect to?

    She wasn’t sure who she was anymore.

    Everything about herself she thought she knew, all of the built-up identity to become self-aware of felt like it was wiped clean, leaving an empty mirror surface behind. The person she had grown into when becoming an adult was Chloe, except rather than growing as a person, progressing into a mature and well-balanced grown up, she had grown like a malignant tumor. The tumor was excised now, and Christine wasn’t sure what was left.

    Am I just… CHRISTINE? Christine wondered with a bleak smile. Whoever THAT even is? Did—did whatever happened there when Brian kissed me, when I drank that jar of… STUFF, did that just roll my personality back three or four years? To back who I was then, back when I was a gangly awkward TEENAGER? I barely even remember who that was, now.

    Whatever the case was, she felt sure there were no reasons to care about her, and nothing about her to love. Deciding she couldn’t carry anything else without the risk of dropping things, Christine awkwardly sidled back out through the cabin door with her armload of covers, and then nudged the door mostly-closed again with her foot. The obnoxious thing wouldn’t open or close the whole way without taking it by the handle and wrenching it forcefully, but this would be fine enough while she was making trips back and forth.

    When she looked up, Stephanie was still sitting at the firepit, but the girl had turned in her seat to face the woods—because there in the distance Rebecca and Brian were tromping towards them through the brush. Christine froze as they spotted her, and several urges she couldn’t begin to understand flashed through her. The temptation to turn around and go right back into the cabin to hide. The urge to hide her face and hurry down the path towards the road as if fleeing the scene. Anything but to bear their attention and possible scrutiny.

    Why am I like this?

    Lowering her eyes, Christine instead hunched her shoulders and carefully, calmly walked around the spread-out tent canvas and down the slope. She could hear Stephanie say something as Brian and Rebecca walked out of the woods, and then in front of her Kelly and Emily were exchanging words in hushed tones as they headed back up the path Christine was stepping her way down.

    Both of those girls stopped talking the moment they noticed her.

    Are they talking about me? Christine tried not to make eye contact. Can’t even blame them if they are, can I?

    “You got all that?” Kelly asked her.

    “Uh?” Christine tensed up, startled.

    “Like, you need a hand?” Kelly gestured towards the big bundle of blankets in Christine’s arms.

    “Oh,” Christine blurted out. “No—no, thank you.”

    “‘Kay,” Kelly said.

    Then, Kelly and Emily continued on up past her as they made their way back towards the camp. Christine didn’t know what to think—she felt like she was watching her own feet shuffle forward in a total stupor. She wasn’t sure who she was, or what was left of her. She didn’t know where her life was going, or what she was going to do. Christine wasn’t sure what she wanted, but she knew that things were awkward and surely impossible with this group. 

    Certainly after everything I’ve done to them.

    The rear hatch of Rebecca’s Suvaru wasn’t locked, and she was able to fumble the blanket and towels under one arm enough to get a hand free to grab the latch. With a slight tug the tailgate came up, and then there was the peculiar sound of pressure changing within the pair of piston-like lift support struts. Christine put the towel inside first, and then she held up the quilted blanket and smoothed out the wrinkles so that it would fold more neatly.

    This comforter here probably saved my life, Christine thought in a daze. This one I’ve been sleeping in was the one she wrapped me up in for the ride down here. Back when NATURAL SUNLIGHT was enough to burn me to a crisp.

    It was strange and surreal to remember all of that. Although her confrontation with the Masters, her impossible speed and power and supernatural strength should have been the first thing she thought of when looking back on her brief time as a near-vampire… all Christine could recall with much clarity was the thirst. The thirst blotted out everything else. Horrific, mind-crumbling and unquenchable thirst, that feeling of being incomplete down to her cellular level—of needing to steal life from others at any cost, just to continue persisting. Everything else from that time was colored by that insane thirst, all of the other details in memory were inconsequential by comparison, the fever dream side note to an all-consuming thirst that she was never able to slake.

    Was THAT me? Was that the previous time I was who I am now? Christine wondered, carefully placing the blanket in the rear of Rebecca’s car with reverence. I feel like as a vampire I was less of a monster than I was when I turned back into Chloe. Chloe was just an abomination. Isn’t that sad?

    There was room and she was already here with the hatch open, so Christine crouched down and then hefted up the big cooler that Kelly and Emily had hauled down here. After a little bit of wiggling it back and forth, she was able to fit it inside on a box just beside the blanket, and then Christine swung the tailgate down again. It was good finding things to do, because when she found ways to fill her hands with work she could just focus on that. Those were moments at least when she could mechanically do things without all of the unwelcome thoughts—the self-reflection—to creep in and poison her everything with silver.

    No. No, that is fair, Christine told herself as she started the climb back up towards camp. I deserve it. I deserve everything that’s happened to me.

    “Emily—no, hold your end there,” Rebecca instructed. “We’re gonna fold it along that line right there, so. Put your foot on it, or—”

    “I was!” Emily protested with a laugh. “Brian ‘bout yanked me off my feet. Take it easy there, champ. Geez.”

    “I barely even pulled,” Brian scoffed. “S’not my fault you weigh like eighty pounds.”

    “Okay. Guys,” Rebecca giggled. “If Emily’s holding her spot, then Kelly, Brian—you two take your ends and walk them over towards me. Try to keep the tension—tighter, pull it tighter—so that we don’t get wrinkles!”

    The broad shape of the spread out canvas now occupied less than half the area of clearing it had when Christine walked by it before, because everyone was working together to fold it under Rebecca’s supervision. Or rather, almost everyone—Christine tried not to let her dismay show as she saw Stephanie approach her. It would be a useless endeavor, because from Stephanie’s expression Christine knew that all of her inner worries and fears were being read.

    “Christine?” Stephanie asked—and from her helpless look it was as if the girl didn’t know how to broach Christine’s problems.

     “I’m fine,” Christine forced a small smile. “It’s okay. I’m fine, so long as I keep busy.”

    “No,” Stephanie flat out refused to go along with it. “You’re not fine. You’re—I can feel what you’re feeling, but it isn’t even just that. I can sense your silver. Your… I guess your magic. It’s like it’s making you gloomier and gloomier. Like it’s emptying you out of everything.”

    “I—” Christine raised her shoulders as if to shrug, but she didn’t even know how to respond to that. “It’s okay.”

    “No, I don’t think it’s okay,” Stephanie shook her head. “You’re—”

    “You can’t magically fix the way I feel,” Christine rebutted with a helpless shrug. “I’m sorry. You just can’t. My situation isn’t like their situation was. There’s nothing anyone can do about this. There’s no way to fix this. I am sorry if you’re also caught up in what I feel. I don’t mean for anyone else to get dragged into my mess, anymore. I’m sorry.”

    “Okay,” Stephanie’s voice showed that she was relenting—but the set of her jaw and her stubborn stare told Christine the opposite. “I can’t fix things alone. But, I’m not alone. There’s all of us—with all of us, we can figure something out.”

    “Sure,” Christine gave her a helpless shrug of defeat.

    She simply didn’t want to argue anymore.

    * * *

    After helping them with the larger tent canvas, Brian and Rebecca had helped dust each other off, and then as the one who had been playing hands-on in the dirt more, he returned to the campfire area to clean off a bit more. One of the towels from last night was used to help wring stubborn dirt from his hands. Brian would probably still have dark lines of dirt beneath his fingernails until he could get a proper shower—some small curious part of him wondered if the magic refresh they seemed to experience whenever they slept could take care of it instead.

    How does that even work? Brian frowned down at his hands. Like, say if we spent all day mucking about in a mud pit, and then we all just… dropped into bed together, in a huge filthy mess, would we wake up clean?

    Would the whole bed be magically laundered? Where would the mud go? Is there a threshold for how much mess it can take care of? Would MOST of the mud still be on the bed, and we’d wake up individually spotless, but leave behind snow angels of clean on the sheets from where we got up? Would NONE of it get cleaned up, does it only work for like, sweat and oily hair and our own bodily fluids? Honestly… kind of want to test all that out, somehow.

    Before he could invest much more thought into it, Brian saw Stephanie approaching. Unlike a few minutes ago, where she had been wearing a dreamy smile as if buoyed by his and Rebecca’s good mood, Stephanie now wore a shy, hesitant expression. She stepped up close until she was right in front of him, but she was having trouble meeting his gaze.

    “Brian?” Stephanie asked. “I’m… I think I’m not riding back with you guys.”

    “What?” Brian froze. Not riding back with us?

    “I mean—I’d like to ride back with Rebecca,” Stephanie clarified with a guilty wince. “So that it’s just her and I. I… I need a break. From everyone’s feelings.”

    “Okay,” Brian said, slowly taking her by the shoulders and then pulling her into a tight hug. “I’m sorry.”

    “Don’t be! I, I just—it’s too much, everyone’s feelings are too, too different,” Stephanie tried to explain. “Kelly and Emily have this, this mischievous camaraderie, mixed in with guilt, and worry, and annoyance—at me, Christine feels depressed, or-or-or defeated, she’s sinking into this total nihilism, you just feel happy, and—”

    “Whoa whoa,” Brian gave her back a pat, refusing to release her. “I said okay. You don’t have to explain, you don’t owe us any explanations. I know your charm thing just kind of throws you into the deep end. If you need space, we’ll give you space.”

    “I’m sorry,” Stephanie apologized anyways. “It’s. It’s silly, but after these past weeks away from you all, I was… craving it. I was so ready, so excited to tap into all of this again. To reconnect and feel whole. An-and then, once I do—I can’t even handle it. When someone’s feelings are really strong like last night, they just completely take over. When people are having feelings that bother me, I try to, to boss them around, force my fixes on them. Dictate how they should feel.”

    “I’m very very glad you were here with us,” Brian murmured. “But, at the same time—yeah, this was also a bad time to have you soaking up everything everyone’s feeling about it. You deserve a break, absolutely.”

    “I don’t want a break, or space from you guys,” Stephanie complained in a small voice. “I want to spend time with you. All of you. I just—I can’t turn it off. I can’t keep all of the feelings from getting to me.”

    “I know,” Brian gave her a squeeze. “I know, I know. But, like. Things are getting better. They are, they’re looking up. We saved Christine, we’re going to give her a better life and make sure she’s happy and looked after and loved. Last night was… difficult, for all of us, but from now on things should be easier and easier for you to handle. We’ll have lots of good times and lots of great times for you. Where you can just soak up all of everyone’s positive feelings.”

    “Mmmm,” Stephanie nuzzled her face against Brian’s chest. “I, I was hoping Christine’s mirror would be back in place. So that I could, um. Just step over near her when I needed a breather from everything for a bit. That’s how it worked for a little while, way back on the last day of the convention. The hospital. When… when everyone’s tensions were very very high, and they were making me have a breakdown.”

    “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” Brian said. “I wish that… well. I wish that things had been different.”

    “I love you,” Stephanie said. “All of that… it brought us here. Where we’re together. With each other. So, it’s all worth it.”

    “I love you so much,” Brian kissed the top of her head.

    “But, that said...” Stephanie murmured in a timid voice. “I do have… a selfish request.”

    “Anything,” Brian promised.

    “It’s selfish and hypocritical,” Stephanie sighed. “Because. I’m asking for space, but. I know that you also need time and space from Christine—well, from Chloe—that you also need some time on your own to work out how you feel about her. But. Right now, she needs you. She’s. Shriveled up. Compressed deep down inside herself. She’s like a sponge that’s been smashed down so far that it can’t even absorb water anymore. Not on her own. She needs a lot of love right now. People to care.”

    “No, you’re right,” Brian sighed. “You’re keeping me… accountable. I did just promise to Chloe’s grave that I would take care of Christine. But even then, I was gonna kind of… yeah, have us give each other some breathing room for a bit, while we figured things out. So, thank you. I’ll sit right next to her on the ride back—I’ll pester her and annoy her ‘til she’s sick of me, I promise.”

    “Hm-hmmm,” Stephanie smooshed one cheek and then the other against Brian’s chest as if to mark him with her scent. “Thank you. And. I’m sorry for asking you that. When I’m being hypocritical. The way she feels right now—the way she makes me feel. I can’t stand it. Right now in our group she feels less like a mirror, and more like a hole.”

    “We’ll work on it,” Brian promised. “And, I can talk to Kelly and Emmie about stuff too, if you want.”

    “Nnh-nhhh,” Stephanie shook her head from within his embrace. “I was worried at first, but. I think they’re planning to get back at me. I think I maybe did overreact and go too far, so. Things will be fine.”

    “None of us can hide anything from you, can we?” Brian said with a chuckle.

   To his surprise, at that sentiment Stephanie squirmed in his arms until she could look up at him. Her expression was so bittersweet that it made his heart ache—she looked absolutely exhausted by feeling everything. He kissed her forehead again, and then reached up to adjust her glasses back in place for her, because they had been slipping down the bridge of her nose.

    “Thank you,” Stephanie said with a little giggle. “You’re so. Ugh! I love you so much. All of you. It’s all worth it! I love you.”

    “Love you,” Brian responded. “How about, the next time you come by, we plan things out ahead of time. So that we can have a date night. Date… nights? Plural? Just you getting one on one time with me, or with Kelly. Emily. Feel things out one at a time, instead of… us all just clobbering you with different things, all at once.”

    “I. Would really love that,” Stephanie exhaled in relief. “Please. That sounds wonderful. I would love that so much. I’m. I’m going to go talk to Kelly and Emily, see if I can… bait out whatever they’re cooking up. Ask them to give special attention to Christine too, maybe. I love you.”

    “Love you,” Brian said again. “You have your phone?”

    “My phone?” Stephanie asked. “Yeah.”

    “Then, for however long our batteries hold, we can have you with us on video call,” Brian suggested. “So that you can be with us, even if you’re not with us. Emotions don’t transmit through cell phone towers, right?”

    “They don’t, hah,” Stephanie smiled. “Maybe for a little bit we can do that. I really just want to be with you guys. Turn my powers off. For a while.”

    “We’ll help Christine figure it out,” Brian said. “Her mirror thing.”

    “She’s going to need lots of love, then,” Stephanie darted in to give him a kiss on the lips. “Lots and lots of love.”

    * * *

    “Emily; shovel,” Rebecca passed the tool to her friend. “It goes back down to the car.”

    “S’all dirty, does it get washed off first?” Emily asked, waggling it. “Before we put it away?”

    “It’s fine, just—watch where you pack it in, don’t have it resting right up on any of the fabrics, or anything.”

    “Yessir. Ma’am. Sir,” Emily pantomimed tipping an invisible fedora in Rebecca’s direction. “M’lady.”

    “What about the bedpan?” Christine asked, hefting it up.

    “Let’s leave that here,” Rebecca decided. “Pour water in it, and leave it off to the side of the cabin. No one is going to steal a strange bedpan from out in the middle of nowhere.”

    “What else?” Kelly asked.

    “I think that’s everything,” Rebecca said, taking the time to survey the camp area once again. “Even if we forgot something—I’ll be back out this way again before winter, so. No big deal.”

    “What about all this water?” Kelly pointed towards the remaining gallon jugs by the fire pit. “Back in the shed?”

    “Oh! When they’re empty, yes,” Rebecca nodded. “My uncle or I can fill them up fresh whenever we’re back here again. For now, pour them all into the firepit, please. I know the fire’s basically out, but—safety first! Better to leave behind a pit full of water, than one full of hot coals that could spark up again.”

    “Sure, yeah,” Kelly said. “Christine—here, you take one first. For soaking the bedpan or whatever.”

    “Thank you,” Christine said, stooping down to grab one. “Should I… should we have you two wash your hands again, first? Rebecca and Brian.”

    “Yes, please!” Stephanie tugged Brian over. “He’s, he’s just leaving big dirty pawprints all over me!”

    “I—I was not!” Brian protested with a laugh, actually checking her over. “I wiped my hands clean some, already. You’re fine!”

    “You! Wash again,” Stephanie insisted with a cute pout. “Thank you, Christine. Emily? Kelly? I’m… sorry. I maybe went too far, and I understand why you’re cross at me. I, I had good intentions, but then also I realize how it must seem to you. It, um. It feels like your private feelings are getting thrown at me, but—that isn’t either of your fault, and. And, I should have treated your privacy with more respect. Kelly? Can I speak with you alone, for a moment?”

    “Yeah,” Kelly nodded.

    Together with Stephanie she sauntered over to the far side of the clearing, trying to suppress the earlier annoyance and bash and cram any of those kind of feelings down into a formless paste of general frustration. Kelly did not like the idea of Stephanie being able to sense when she was miffed with her, and not being able to hide that nearly pulled Kelly into a spiral of panic.

    Because, Steph? I love you. I LOVE YOU. I don’t want you to ever, EVER doubt that, or be in a position to question it, or have that feeling of love clouded over or obscured by other things.

    “I’m… I’ll be riding back with Rebecca instead of you guys,” Stephanie explained in a low voice.

    “No!” Kelly flinched back as if she’d been struck. “Steph, I’m not super upset. You don’t—”

    “Not just because of that,” Stephanie assured her. “Although, yes, I do also deserve a bit of a time out from that. That, and, and everything else, though? It’s all just been… building up, and I’m not processing it all, and it has me… super out of sorts. I need a break from everyone’s feelings. It makes me feel very very weird when I’m suddenly just happy because Brian’s happy, but I’m also feeling—whatever it is you and Emily are feeling, and then at the very bottom Christine is just at the same time quietly this black hole of despair.”

    “Okay,” Kelly said, crossing her arms.

    She wanted to pace back and forth now as she listened, but instead she forced her feet to remain planted and still.

    “Then, on top of that—or, um, maybe not on top, but somewhere mixed in through all of that; my own feelings,” Stephanie said with a small laugh. “Which are—I don’t even know. I haven’t had time to even realize. But, I need to take that time. I need to breathe.”

    “Okay,” Kelly said again, this time with a subdued sigh of acceptance. “...Fine.”

    “Now, I just also asked Brian this, but,” Stephanie paused and even fidgeted. “Can you please look after Christine? A bit? She’s—she’s very very low, right now. Rock bottom, actually. I, um. I don’t have the gall to ask Emily to go out of her way to be extra nice, since… since they were on very very bad terms, before. But, can you please, as a special favor to me, please give her a little bit of extra care? She needs that.”

    “Fine,” Kelly said. “But, it is a special favor, and I’m gonna be callin’ that in. And sooner than you think.”

    “Thank you,” Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s fine. Kelly? I love you.”

    “Argghh~!” Kelly cried, finally losing control and reaching in to pinch Stephanie’s cheeks. “You make it so difficult to be mad at you. You’re so gettin’ what’s coming to you, though! Just you fuckin’ wait.”

( Previous, Show on the Road pt 1 | After AnimeCon | Next, Kelly and Christine )

/// Taking tomorrow off, and then I will be switching back over to work on RE:TT for a week or two.