Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: Living With Your Own Damsel in Distress (Patreon)

Me: I’m finally going to write Part 2 of the clone wife series!

My brain: Hm. Interesting. Fuck you.

So anyway, here’s part two to the Dragon’s Damsel in Distress series apparently???

3600 words, probably around 25-35 minutes of audio.  Did I mean to make it that long? Nope! Did I mean to add three new characters? Also nope! Did I mean for it to have an open ending? lol

Am I in control of my brain? I think we all know the answer.

(There may also be a few lines I have to cut for youtube, there's a lot of saucy innuendo in this one, but hopefully it won't come to that!)

Living With Your Damsel in Distress

THE ELEVATOR PITCH/HOOK:

Summary for the Speaker(s): You defied the tropes and survived being sacrificed to a monster by the peasantry! And all it cost you is a little indentured servitude to a Dragon with a super attractive human form. There are worse fates. While living together, you want to keep your relationship professional, but you keep developing all these inconvenient feelings and having these moments that are positively disgustingly charged with sexual tension. But don’t worry, complications will arise to stop those nasty problems in their tracks! ...right?

Summary for the Listener: The peasants sacrificed a maiden to you, the fearsome local dragon! But you two struck a deal: she’ll serve as your housekeeper and companion in exchange for her life and a few trifles. Even living in close quarters: you can keep things strictly professional between you, can’t you?

MAIN CHARACTERS:

FAYE: Reluctant thief, primarily an alchemist and magic user who fell on hard times and turned to adventuring to pay the bills. Agreed to become our Dragon listener’s housekeeper and companion in exchange for all the resources her magical research requires.

THE LISTENER: A dragon (referred to only as Dragon) whose true form is incredibly attractive.

FAYE’S PARTY: Who have come looking for her, after a fashion!

GERDA GLITTERSMITH: Noble dwarf paladin, Scottish accent, tough as nails in a crisis but cries at the drop of a hat in emotional situations.

LARKSPUR: Roguish wood elf and archer, raised by city Goblins with the typical attitude/accent to match. Probably won’t sell your grandmother’s kneecaps, but it can’t be ruled out.

ZUG: Orc Barbarian. Zug woman of few words. Talk like Cookie Monster.

SCRIPT BEGIN

[Interior, the dragon's cave with many branching corridors; cave and fireplace ambiance, perhaps an echo]

FAYE: So, this is your place, huh? It’s...nice. Big. As you’d expect for a dragon, I guess. Less furniture than I hoped. Not sure I'm super excited about sitting on rocks and piles of treasure all the time but I'll adjust. (under breath) And so will my sacroiliac. I hope.

Um. Look, I’ve been a lot of things since the whole...alchemy...thing went belly up, but I've never been a maid before. I’m not sure what it entails, y’know? What are the expectations?

[Cloth sound]

What's this? A uniform? Ah—not that I’m not appreciative of something to replace this flouncy gown that I keep tripping all over, but um. Isn’t that a little scanty? Look at this scrap of fabric, that can’t possibly be a blouse. And...how many straps are there on this corset? I'm used to laces, not buckles.

(beat) Are these metal loops? And a chain? Are you sure this isn't some weird kind of racy harness? (under breath) What exactly did I get into here?

…

It’s part of the bargain, okay. Sure. I guess I can’t really complain, at least you’re not going to eat me. Which I admit is a great deal better than how I thought this day was gonna go.

What are my duties? Other than making gold, of course. I’ll need a lab for that, by the way. And a library if you have one? At least until I can send for my things back at the guild.

…

Oh, uh, yes. I’m part of a guild. Sort of. Well, I mean, they take guild dues, but I do the adventuring thing solo part of the year to save a bit on those. Easier to travel that way during summer anyway.

I don’t always do the adventurer thing alone, y'know. Just sometimes. That’s kinda what got me in trouble back there in that village.

Anyway! My duties? I remember you said cleaning, cooking, ummmm (awkward cough) cuddling. We’ll need to lay some ground rules for that, I think. But I’m sure that can wait, it’s not like we’re gonna cuddle right off the bat, right? (nervous laughter)

...

Oh. There’s only one bed? Are you serious? (deflating) Okay. Sure. Why not? We’ll be sharing a bed. (false cheer) I’m totally fine with it, not uptight at all, I’m real easy going, that’s me!

(beat)

Is...is it a big bed?

...

Oh! (relieved) Good, good. A dragon sized bed. Great. I can work with that. You stay on your side, I’ll stay on my side, and never the twain shall meet. (beat, to herself more than the dragon) Twixt? Twain? Whatever.

Okay. So! Cleaning and cooking. I assume that means there’s a kitchen? Great. You can give me the tour.

...

No, this...uh, this is fine! I promise. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right? It’s not like we’re gonna come to blows or (nervous laughter) god forbid fall in love or anything stupid like that, this is strictly a cool, detached, professional arrangement!

And if there's one thing I am, it's a cool, detached professional!

[Time Skip]

[Dragon snoring]

(sleepy) Hey. Heeeeeey. (poke) You’re snoring. Again.

…

No, no, my hair’s not on fire this time. But could you turn over? I don’t wanna get roasted in my sleep.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll be the big spoon. Just don’t roll over on me.

(drifting off, muttering) I can’t believe I’m actually starting not to mind the spines on your back so much…it’s only been a week… (yawn, snore)

[Time Skip]

[Cooking SFX, dishes]

I tried to tell you, I’m not a good cook! I know alchemy is kind of like cooking and I’m good at that, picking and measuring ingredients, stirring them, sticking them over a fire, hoping something good happens as a result!

But I’m way out of my depth here! I always eat in taverns on the road, or maybe roast a rabbit over a fire when I’m desperate. And when I don’t travel alone, someone else does the cooking.

[Knife sound]

(exasperated) Show me? You mean you can cook? You’ve been able to cook this entire time?!

…

Why even make it one of my duties if you’re a better cook than I am? Why have we been eating the gray slop I’ve been making for the past two weeks?! I’ve lost six pounds and my sense of taste!

(beat) I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not quite filling out this uniform as well as I used to! Especially up top!

...

Not that you're supposed to notice. Oh, forget I said anything!

[Drawer opening, book being flipped through]

Wait—what’s that? A cookbook?! Gimme that! How long has this been here? [Pages flipping] I’ve just been guessing at measurements for weeks!

(beat)

(reading) “Roast Lamb with Savory Herbs?” Huh. "Dash of salt." I was way off.

“Stuffed Chicken” Dried breadcrumbs! And in a dead chicken! Oh! Now, see, that makes much more sense. I just fed a whole loaf to the thing and hoped for the best.

(getting excited, this really is like alchemy!) Oooh, and there’s an entire section on culinary chemistry. Hm! Neat! “En Flambe.” Sounds sexy! And dangerous! In a fun way!

So! What do you want for dinner? Anything you like! Well, anything that's in this cookbook, anyway.

...

Great! [Page flips] That looks easy enough. Maybe this time it won't turn into a charcoal briquette.

...

Hm? No. I don’t need help. Not now that I have this! I can follow instructions. It’s one of the few things I excel at.

But...you can chop vegetables, maybe? If you like? It would take a load off me, if you could. You may not eat quite as much as a dragon does, but you still eat an awful lot in human form.

I appreciate you not whipping that thing out all the time, by the way. I mean, that sounded wrong. What I mean is, I'm glad you only do it at the dinner table? I'm still not used to living with someone who's so...um. So. Y'know.

(beat)

And...er...thanks. For the...offer, I mean. I appreciate it. And for the book. I like the book. I like all books. (More to herself than the listener) But especially books with chemistry in them.

[Time Skip]

Hey, could you—

[Flames]

Thanks. I've been pumping these bellows all day but I can’t seem to keep this cauldron at a consistent temperature!

Are you sure it’s solid iron? I’ve been having a devil of a time.

(Thoughtful) Y'know, I have a silver cauldron—or well, I did, at the academy. That’s really best for this particular transmutation, it heats much more evenly with these particular reagents, but—

…

Of course, I remember when you went into town. I spent three days polishing gold coins while you were gone.

Hilarious, by the way, that they think you’re just a hermit and not the dragon they regularly sacrifice their daughters to. Peasants, am I right?

Why do you ask?

…

A present?

For me?

[Monster footsteps leaving, returning]

[Metal clanging]

(gasp, excitement) Nesting cauldrons! Oh, and they’re in different metals! Brass, steel, silver! (even bigger gasp) And books?! You got me books! Oh, this is wonderful!

[She hugs the dragon]

(catching herself) Oh. Uh, whoops. (nervous laughter) We’re not really at the hugging stage of this arrangement, are we? Not that we ever will be. I mean, we’ve been sleeping together for over a month, but that’s...out of necessity. Because this cave is cold and autumn is coming. But during the day, we’re—uhhhhh—whatever we are. Ahem.

Y’know what? Just forget I did that. I was just really excited. (thrilled, science nerd) About my new cauldrons! And books! Thank you. I’ll get to work on a fresh batch of gold right away!

You want coins? Bars? Chains? Ask and ye shall receive, my friend! Er--boss? Contract holder? (beat, nervous) Owner? Let's just go with boss.

Ahem! Ask and ye shall receive, boss!

...

You got it!

[Time Skip]

[Clanking, cleaning noises, grunts, washcloth in bucket]

Hey! Hey, Dragon? Where are--

Ack! Don’t sneak up on me like that. I know the giant stomps made me squeak in terror the first week I was here, but I think I preferred that. At least when you were shaking the walls down with every step, I could hear you coming.

Would—would you mind, umm?

[Magic sound]

Whew. Thank you. You’re rather...um, distracting in your human form. Not that I’m looking! Because I’m not. Because I shouldn’t be. You’re my boss. But, um, anyway! It’s a lot easier to be professional when I’m not scraping my jaw off the floor, you know? I’m not crazy about having the whammy put on me with literal otherworldly beauty.

(Thoughtful, shifting into Magic Nerd mode for a second) Is it a glamour? Maybe some beautifying potions you use to get your hair to do that thing? With the little swoop up and the--

Huh? What’d I want. Oh! Right. What I wanted! I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Yes, another one. You’ve got no right to complain about my complaining. I’m a captive, remember? Griping about it is my prerogative. Now, as I was saying?

Did your last ~housekeeper~ do anything in this place? It feels like I’ve been scrubbing these chambers from top to bottom for months and haven’t made a dent. Do you know, when I went to clean the cobwebs in the pantry, a dog-sized spider jumped out from between sacks of flour and tried to eat me?!

(aside) At least, I think he was trying to eat me. Though he did have a particularly lecherous gleam in at least six of his eyes, now that I’m thinking on it. Do spiders have the same lecherous predilections for maidens that some dragons have? Yeach.

…

Of course I’m fine, I caved his head in with a mop! But that made another mess I had to clean up. Spiders are icky enough at regulation size, much less jumbo.

…

Oh. Well, thank you for offering to clear out the nest. At least I won’t have to do it. I'm sure fire is a much better spider deterrent than household cleaning implements.

And by the way, could you do me a big favor and stop huffing and puffing all the time? I swear I get one patch of ceiling done and by morning it’s covered in soot all over again. If you expect me to keep this place tidy the least you could do is smoke outside.

You probably should anyway; smoke isn’t good for humans, you know. Unless you want me to end up with the black lung? (theatrical coughing)

...

Thank you, I appreciate that concession. I don’t want to be a nag, goodness knows I never planned on playing housewife—er(catching herself)—housekeeper to a dragon, but we should work together to keep this place nice. That way we can both, well…

Enjoy it.

...

Hm? Nah, the uniform is holding up fine. And I don’t mind it, exactly. Though I may need something heftier when winter arrives. It’s not my thieving leathers and it took a bit of getting used to, but that’s alright. No matter what, it’s loads better than that stupid dress the village chief wrangled me into. I hope you burned that.

Even with all the doodads and whatsits, this is a vast improvement over that thing. Sturdy, easy to clean, the corset keeps my back from aching when I’m scrubbing the flagstones…

...

Oh, I do? Um. Thank you. I...didn’t think anyone would ever find me in an apron cute, but…

(Nervous) It’s not too revealing, is it? I’m not used to all...this...being out so much.

And everything—(reluctantly flirty, trying to pretend she isn’t) jiggles—when I’m on my hands and knees, scrubbing. Not that you’d have noticed, of course, you’re too...professional for that. Coolly detached, like a good boss-slash-captor should be. Right?

(beat)

“Just revealing enough,” is it? Oh, I’ll bet! (shy giggle)

(audibly blushing) Er. Ahem. Yes, we can cuddle a bit tonight. Especially if you’ll reheat that stew from last night so I don’t have to look at that damn kitchen again today. If I see one more dirty pot, I may scream. I’m trying to figure out a soap that will make scrubbing grease easier, but I’m not having much success with my experiments.

Besides, the less tired I am from chores, the more I like to cuddle, you know? Not that I mind flopping on you and passing out from exhaustion, you’re surprisingly comfy for a dragon, but I can’t exactly read alchemical texts in my sleep. I’d like some me time too, occasionally.

Hm? Oh. There’s a batch of gold set to brew at the moment. It won’t be ready for a day or five. Right now, I’m trying to crack a different formula: spinning straw into gold! It can be done, there’s at least one historical account, but nobody’s figured out how to replicate it yet. Of course, I’ll have to learn how to spin wool first, and the result will really only be useful in textiles, but I find the puzzle of it fascinating—

[A distant voice rings out through the cave and echoes]

GERDA GLITTERSMITH: Dragon!

FAYE: What—

GERDA: Come ye out, ye yellow bellied beastie! Taste my steel!

FAYE: Oh. Oh my god. It can’t be.

ZUG: FACE ZUG, DRAGON. ZUG BET YOU UGLY.

[big steppy]

FAYE: No! No, don’t go out there! (stuttering, stalling) It’s just a band of adventurers. Idiot adventurers! Who don’t know what they’re up against. You—you don’t have to answer the insult! There’s not worth the trouble! I mean, what, you go out there, boom, blast of fire, they’re instantly ash, is there even a point?

You can just...stay here, and pretend you didn’t hear anything. Same difference! They’ll get bored and wander off, I’m sure!

[big steppy]

FAYE: No, PLEASE! Hey, look, there’s lots more interesting stuff in here than there is out there! Like, uh...oh! I found a nest of magpies in achimney today! They were filching—um—jewels! From the hoard!

LARKSPUR: Yeah, Dragon! Face us! Yer mother was an alligator purse! And yer father was a pair of penny loafers!

FAYE: Listen, if you stay and pretend you never heard them, I’ll—I’ll take my top off! That’s distracting, right? I have—um—jewelry on, under here! Very racy jewelry!

(beat)

It’s gold!

(beat)

Oh, damn it, I can’t strip out of this thing in a hurry without help—I mean, uhhh, heeey hot stuff! Wanna help me shimmy out of this corset and into something more—WAIT!

[big steppy, outdoor ambiance]

[Blast of fire, dragon roar]

GERDA: All right! Now we’ll get down to it!

ZUG: ZUG WANT BLOOD!

LARKSPUR: REVEEEEENGE!

(more fire)

FAYE: STOP! Don’t roast them!

(dragon huff)

FAYE: (to the dragon) I know, I know I said they’re just a band of idiots but—but they’re my band of idiots!

LARKSPUR: Faye?

GERDA: (sword clatter) FAYE! (armor clanging)

FAYE: (strangled) Stop—hugging—your platemail is—crushing—me—

GERDA: Sorry!

FAYE: I appreciate the rescue mission, but you’re about three months too late!

ZUG: Not rescue.

FAYE: What?

LARKSPUR: Yeah! We was here for vengeance!

GERDA: (wail) We thought you were dead!

LARKSPUR: Last we heard you was sacrificed to a dragon!

FAYE: Well, I’m not dead! (beat) Gerda, will you please stop crying!

(Gerda gets control of her sniffles)

LARKSPUR: If ya ain’t been dead, then where ya been, huh?

FAYE: Stop poking me, Larkspur! And I could ask you the same thing! Where were any of you when I got tossed in the clink?

(Simultaneous)

LARKSPUR: Drunk.

GERDA: Busy.

ZUG: Zug get brain screwed out.

FAYE: Zug!

ZUG: What? It good mating season for Zug. (beat) Impregnate many.

FAYE: Ugh, typical. You were supposed to come looking for me if I didn’t show at the Flask and Casque by Summer’s End. We always travel together during Leafall, you know that.

LARKSPUR: Well, better late than never, right?

FAYE: (sigh) I suppose.

(beat) I guess I should introduce you. Dragon, my band of idiots. Band of idiots, Dragon.

LARKSPUR: Hey!

ZUG: Faye right, though.

[armor clanks]

GERDA: Gerda Glittersmith at your service, best smith and paladin this side of anywhere!

LARKSPUR: Larkspur, archer, elvish foundling, raised by goblins, there, yer caught up.

ZUG: Zug. (beat) Just Zug. Zug hit things good.

FAYE: (beat) Is it too much to hope for that you brought my stuff?

LARKSPUR: (stalling) Stuff. Stuff. Your stuff.

FAYE: Yes, Lark, my stuff. The stuff that is mine.

LARKSPUR: Doesn't ring a bell.

FAYE: (angry huff) The stuff I always leave behind at the guild when I go out on my own. Do you have it?

LARKSPUR: Ehhhh...not on me.

FAYE: Do you know where it is?

LARKSPUR: I got a general idea, yeah.

FAYE: (sigh) Is it in a pawn shop?

LARKSPUR: Not…exactly.

FAYE: (accusing) You sold it!

LARKSPUR: (sheepish) Yeah, I sold it. But in my defense, we thought you was dead.

FAYE: LARK!

LARKSPUR: Hey, it’s no big deal, right? We were gonna avenge you, remember? Besides, you come with us, we can always track it down. You got the woo-woo and the abracadabra, I'm sure you can put a magical trace on 'em, right? A buncha musty old books ain’t gonna go far. Who wants alchemy books anyway, huh? Nerds, that’s who. We can find a bunch of nerds with one eye tied behind our backs.

FAYE: I can’t come with you. I may not be dead, but I was sacrificed. My host here and I struck a bargain. Fair and square. I’m a servant now, and will be for the foreseeable future; don’t worry, I’ll work off my debt eventually. (under breath) Maybe.

GERDA: (gasp) No. Not indentured servitude!

FAYE: It’s not so bad! I swear! The dragon isn’t even really a dragon, I just prefer them in this form for...reasons.

LARKSPUR: Heh. Kinky.

FAYE: Lark!

LARKSPUR: What, I’m just sayin’! No judgment here. You a scalie now? (snicker) Ya turn pink for skink? Eh, eh?

FAYE: (to Larkspur) Stop wiggling your eyebrows at me! (to dragon) Oh for—look, Dragon, would you show them, please?

[Transformation sound]

ZUG: UGH. ZUG BLIND FROM BEAUTY.

GERDA: Oh, my...

LARKSPUR: Hubba hubba is the word yer lookin’ fer, I think. Yow-za.

FAYE: There are a lot of perks to this job; all the alchemy supplies I could want, a laboratory of my own--

ZUG: (speculative) Faye get brain screwed out.

FAYE: Not yet! I mean—NO!

GERDA: (sword drawn) Dragon!

FAYE: (long suffering, with little hope the plea will accomplish anything) Gerda, don’t do anything dumb.

LARKSPUR: (under breath) You know she will.

GERDA: Dragon! Or...very beautiful...whatever you are!

FAYE: Gerda, don’t ruin this for me!

LARKSPUR: (casually) You know she’ll do that, too. It’s what paladins is best at.

GERDA: What will it take to free Faye from this bondage?!

FAYE: Could we not use words like bondage, please?

GERDA: What is required to break the chains that collar her?!

FAYE: (through gritted teeth) That isn’t better.

GERDA: Name your price, dragon! We will pay it!

FAYE: It’s fine, Gerda, really! I’ll work off my debt--

(thoughtful silence, beat)

FAYE: What? What do you mean you want the Mist Crystals in the Crypt of Confusion?!

What happened to “I’m never letting you go?!” And “You’re my favorite housekeeper!”—and, and all those other things you said when we were—um, sitting together. Very close. With our arms...around each other.

LARKSPUR: (teasing) Oooh, sweet nothings.

FAYE: Cram it, Lark! It’s not—not that I care! Because I don’t! But I thought we had a deal. My service—

ZUG: Heh. ~Service.~

FAYE: —for access to alchemical supplies and a place to conduct my research! (getting emotional, trying to hide it; she’s definitely developed a thing for the Listener) Never mind that the last three months apparently mean nothing—to you—am I the only one in this damn valley who makes good on bargains as the terms are laid out?!

(beat)

FAYE: Excuse me? (hurt, sarcastic) Well, how thoughtful of you. I get run of the lair, and you’ll ditch me for god knows how long. What a treat!

GERDA: Uh oh.

ZUG: (quietly, sadly) Lover’s spat.

FAYE: Well, if you think that's how it's going down you’ve got another thing coming, buddy! You think you’re going to leave me and go on an adventure with my party? Not today!

LARKSPUR: (under breath) Oh, she’s got it bad.

(beat)

FAYE: Would you three! Shut! Up! I don’t “got” anything! Except certain ideas about contracts—and hard work—and—and—contracts!

(beat)

FAYE: What am I doing? What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m taking off this apron! You want to go off gallivanting with my best friends--

LARKSPUR: Ehhh. To be fair, we're really more "work friends."

FAYE: --and all to retrieve the price of my freedom? Well, you’re not leaving me behind!

(getting control of her temper) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pack. Don't you DARE leave without me or I'll hex each and every one of you with boils in the most inconvenient places!

[angry stomping away]

(beat)

LARKSPUR: Can she do that?

GERDA: Best not risk it.

(beat)

ZUG: Hm. Zug never see Faye like...that.

LARKSPUR: Oh, yeah. She’s real bent outta shape. (awkward laughter)  Remember the potter's kid she had a thing for? This is much worse than that.

GERDA: So. (clearing her throat) Dragon. What are your intentions toward our friend?

LARKSPUR: Work friend.

GERDA: Right. Work friend. What are your intentions toward our...work friend?

…

GERDA: Oh?

ZUG: Hm.

LARKSPUR: (thoughtful chuckle) Well! I bet this’ll be entertaining!