Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: Your Mad Scientist Wife Duplicated Herself! (Patreon)

I promised you a script, Patrons, and so a script you shall have! 

Notes on the Writing Process: 

This is the second all-original script I've written for my channel. The format is quite casual, but it still wound up being much longer than I originally planned: about 3000 words of dialogue alone! For reference: 100 words usually translates to about a minute of finished audio at a normal speaking pace. This script was a bit more frantic in spots, so a few minutes were shaved off in production, but still! Length-wise this is just shy of a half-hour episode of television. 

The finished audio is already in early access, so you can listen to it and read along if you like! 

The sound direction is quite light in the script because I prefer to sort of feel out SFX during the editing process. If you do listen along, you'll notice that the sound design is a lot more involved because I expanded it for a more immersive experience. The vocal directions are similarly light because as the writer I already knew where I planned to lay emphasis during the performance.

The script itself is broken up into a number of scenes that move from place to place in the Listener's house and make use of different household locations through the use of  sound design. 

Characters are also gradually introduced one by one until they start coming together for larger ensemble scenes. (The first three scenes are essentially monologues, then two characters play off each other, then three, then all five.) I chose to do this because introducing five separate speakers all at once, before establishing their personalities and the setting sufficiently, would make for a very confusing listening experience. 

In other forms of media, you can usually rely on visual cues to differentiate characters and establish the universe at a glance. Indeed, visual shortcuts to characterization--costuming, physical tics, objects a character handles--are one of the things that film and theater emphasize in production design. I wouldn't say the process for audio is harder, necessarily, but a cold open requires more thoughtful planning.

THE ELEVATOR PITCH/HOOK:

Summary for the Speaker(s): The listener’s wife is a mad scientist (with yandere inclinations) who, through scientific misadventure, has split herself into five versions of herself. Each one embodies a different distinct aspect of her personality. Some are trying to kill each other out of jealousy, others are just vibing. Can they find common ground and come to a ceasefire for the sake of their marriage?

Summary for the Listener: Your wife is a mad scientist, always getting into trouble! This time, she’s doubled herself. Instead of one wife, you find yourself with five! What are you going to do?!

CHARACTER NOTES:

This script contains five speaker characters. Each character has a different personality and in the script has been given a color-based nickname to keep them distinct and make parsing the script easier. The duplicates are as follows:

PINK: Cheerful, giggly, affectionate, a bit ditsy/distractable; somewhere between a deredere and bakadere. Calls the listener "Honey"; receives the in-universe nickname "Giggles" late in the script.

RED: Quick to anger, impatient, dismissive, violent; a tsundere. Calls the Listener "Babe"; receives the in-universe nickname "Stabby" late in the script.

YELLOW: Shy, timid, self-deprecating and a bit dimwitted but with a bit more starch in her spine than she believes; somewhere between dandere and bakadere. Calls the Listener "Darling"; receives the in-universe nickname "Creampuff" late in the script.

PURPLE: Sultry, seductive, lustily obsessed with the listener; 90% femme fatale, 10% high school mean girl. Teasedere/Erodere-lite. Calls the listener "Lover"; receives the nickname "Sex Kitten" late in the script.

BLUE: Flat, sarcastic, blunt, logical, preoccupied with more important matters than feelings and social graces; a kuudere. Calls the Listener "Sweetheart"; receives the nickname "Little Miss Logic" late in the script.

And now, without further ado:

Your Mad Scientist Wife Duplicated Herself!

SETTING: Interior, a suburban house, day. The listener has just arrived home.

[Keys, door opening, a few footsteps as the listener enters, door closes]

PINK: (cheerful but surprised, like she was caught in the act) Honey! You're home early!

...

What? Of course I'm happy to see you! (giggle) How could I fail to be the happiest wife in the world when you get home? (another giggle, she kisses the listener)

(Distracted by kissing, but coming out of it) Hmm? Ray gun? What ray gun?

Oh! That ray gun. I was so excited to see you I almost forgot.

Why the ray gun? (dismissively, but obviously stalling for time) Why the sun? Why the air? Why love? Why hate? Why anything? Aren't these the very searching, probing questions that mankind's quest for understanding seek to answer through the scientific disciplines?

...

Okay, seriously why the ray gun. Uhhh. Well...stay calm, hon. It's nothing! Really! I was just testing out the new disintegration setting on a few errant dust bunnies. I promise I only set the couch on fire a little bit.

...

Not buying it, huh? Fair. (giggle) It wasn't one of my better lies. (beat)I set the couch on fire a lot. (giggle)

In fact, we don't have much of a couch anymore. Or...any, really. So! Why don't you go out to the furniture store over on Branch Street and pick out any couch you want, any couch at all—

Trying to get rid of you? I'm not trying to get rid of you! (Forced laughter)Ha, ha, why would you think—

Ah. Not falling for that either, hm? Hrm.

All right. You caught me! So, I may have had a little "accident" in the lab. Okay, not may have, did. And perhaps not so much an accident, more a readily foreseeable consequence of my actions that I nevertheless somehow failed to foresee. You've seen my glasses prescription, honey, you know I'm short-sighted. (giggle) Get it? Foresee, short-sighted—ha, ha, yeah, anyway! An accident. (getting distracted) I mean the result was an accident but the experiment was intentional—but then, isn’t that what science is? The joy of discovery, the thrill of—

Was I babbling? Sorry. Right. Back on track! Long story short: I have an evil twin. Rather, clone. Twin implies shared parentage and origin. (giggle) Although, now that I’m thinking on it, would a clone technically share parentage? It’s just a test tube baby with extra steps, isn’t it? Granted there’s no spermatozoa, no ovum, but it is the identical genetic result of those elements. I wonder...

Hm? Right! Babbling again, sorry! (giggle) Point is: ray gun. Clone. Evil. Gotta kill her. You’re up to speed!

Now, my big strong honey bun, grab a butcher knife and help me hunt her down before she gets into some serious mischief. Be a dear and check the attic, would you? (quick kiss) I’m going to check the garden shed. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s taken refuge in there with a family of raccoons.

[Footsteps leading away, fade. The sound of a knife being drawn.]

[Listener mounts the stairs to the attic, attic door opens]

[Taser SFX]

RED: (triumphant) Freeze, you double-crossing doppelganger!

(Gasp)

(annoyed) Oh! It’s you! Ugh! I thought you were—for fuck’s sake, babe, announce yourself next time. I almost tased you.

...

I guess it is more of a cattle prod than a taser, now that you mention it. (grumbling) Don’t get pedantic with me. It’s big, it’s zappy, it gets the job done. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Speaking of which, what’s with the butcher knife?

“I” sent you to find me, did I? Oh ho, I’ll just bet I did! I mean, she did. I mean, the me that was in the kitchen sent you to find the me in the attic, while she went to find me in the garden shed? This is getting confusing. Look, tell me what I—she—said.

A cloning accident! What a load of crap!You know I’d never play around with cloning, not after the last time. A single inside-out tortured abomination to spit in the face of natural law was enough for one lifetime. No, this little farce was the result of a matter transporter malfunction. Very cliché Captain-Kirk-slash-Brundlefly I know, but it is what it is.

I suppose next you’ll tell me she said there was only one evil twin, right? Ha! No!

...

How many duplicates are there? Well, how the hell should I know?

(Defensive) It wasn’t my fault, I intended to dispose of the initial error properly, but when I stepped out of the lab to get my euthanasia gun she repeated my mistake and doubled herself again. Perhaps as a means of self preservation. Ugh.

(Thoughtful, but irritated) Which indicates an unfortunate level of self-awareness and implies a fear of death. Oh, damn it, she may be sentient. Which puts me in quite the ethical pickle, doesn’t it? The Academy for Mad Science frowns on destroying sentient life, especially the stuff that’s made through lab accidents. I could lose my grant! I’d have to go back to robbing banks like a common supervillain!

And unsanctioned elimination of sentient life created through scientific misadventure means there’s all that paperwork to fill out. A mandatory hearing with the board of directors… (sounds of frustration)

Of course, she’s also trying to kill me which is perhaps the most pressing matter. (Gleeful, murderous) So I suppose I have no choice but to defend myself! Consequences be damned!

Well, I won’t tell if you won’t!

...

What? No, I don’t want help getting rid of her! How could I possibly saddle you with the trauma of murdering an approximation of your own wife? I’m a mad scientist, not a total fucking sociopath. You know that. We went over that on our very first date, babe. They’re very different disciplines.

You stay in the house out of harm’s way. (quick kiss) And don’t go into the lab, okay?Last thing we need is half a dozen of you running around complicating things.

[Red's footsteps, fading as she descends the stairs. The listener is left in the attic alone--or so they think.]

YELLOW: (stage whisper) Pst! Psssst! Hey! Over here! Behind these boxes! On the left! Or...is it my left? Or your left? I always get those confused. Never mind, just follow my voice.

Is...is she gone?

...

Yes, I’m a clone. Or double, or whatever. I won’t even bother pretending I’m not. You won’t hurt me, will you? Oh, please don’t hurt me.

...

Really? You won’t? Thank you!

She was lying, you know. It wasn’t a transporter accident either. She’s not your wife. I mean, she is but she isn’t, you see?

You don’t see. Oh, this is hard. How can I explain? I didn’t get the smarts. Um.

Well, there was a lab accident. Right, right, you already know that much. But it didn’t duplicate your wife, it...split her?

...

Which one of us is the real one? We’re all your real wife! Sort of. You know how everyone has different facets to their personality? We’re those. I think. Separated and given physical form. And don’t ask me how it happened please, because I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not the smart one. I’m the shy, submissive one! (catching herself, she didn’t mean that to sound dirty) I mean! That came out wrong.

...

How many facets are there? Let me think. There’s me, of course. There’s the angry stabby one, you’ve already met her. There’s a giggly one. (beat) Oh, you met her downstairs? Okay, well, that’s three.

Ummm. Right! There’s also a smutty one, she’s trying on lingerie, I think? Oh, and there’s the bitchy one! Don’t talk to her, she’s mean.

So...five, I guess?

If it makes you feel any better, we’re all parts of your wife. You’ve met us all before. Sometimes you spend hours with one, and only caught glimpses of another. Like me! You and I haven’t really spent much time together, but I’ve seen you a lot. Like when she—uh, we—were stalking you as a potential test subject only to fall in love with you from afar. I saw you a lot back then.

(Wistful) Y’know, we never had any qualms about vivisecting someone before for science, but you were different. (shyly) I’m the reason why it took so long to work up the nerve to kidnap you! And even longer to talk to you!I’m really passive, you see? Sorry.

Uh, not for the kidnapping, I know you liked that part, but I’m sorry for making you wait so long.

...

Yep! You have five wives! Bet you didn’t roll out of bed this morning thinking that’s how you’d end the day, huh?

The problem is, the one thing we all have in common besides science is: we love you. We’re all very possessive so of course we’re trying to kill each other. I can’t really kill anybody, it’s just not in my nature, but maybe if I concentrate really hard the others will all spontaneously combust? I mean, it could happen, right? Or—or maybe you...could kill them for me? If that’s all right with you, I mean?

...

No? Hm. Well, I guess that makes sense. You probably want a whole wife, not a fraction of one.

And in a way, you really do love all of us. Even the angry, stabby, smutty parts. Honestly, you probably love those best. It’s okay, I understand. No one likes the shy one. I can just go back to my boxes if you’d rather go spend time with one of the others…

...

You do like me? So you WILL kill them?! Oh—no, no, of course. I’m sorry. I’m just happy to be loved.

Maybe we can convince a couple of the other facets to join a cease fire? They can’t say no to you, right? They must love you more than they hate each other. Even the bitchy one! Maybe. Don’t test that theory.

But the smutty one! She’ll definitely join our side. I think she’s in the bedroom.

Um, you don’t mind if I get behind you and cower on the way, do you?

...

No? Yay!

[The listener, with Yellow following, leaves the attic and heads for the bedroom to find the next duplicate. The attic door opens, footsteps on the stairs, footsteps down the hallway, bedroom door opening. Inside the bedroom, PURPLE is rifling through the dresser, talking to herself]

[The sound of dresser drawers being opened and closed]

PURPLE: Let’s see here. White, pink, baby blue, cotton, sensible boy shorts. Ugh. Not one teddy made of latex or lace? How...vanilla.

How am I supposed to work with this?

Not even any garter belts? I never listen to myself.

Well, at least now I no longer have the shy one dragging me down I can make some changes around here. Spicy, spicy changes. Now, where is that credit card...

[Door closes]

PURPLE: (surprised as she notices the Listener standing in the doorway) Oh! It’s you.

(seductive) Oh, it’s you, Lover. Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.

YELLOW: I’m also here!

PURPLE: (disappointed, slightly irritated) Ah. And the wet blanket tagged along. Lucky me. (To Yellow) Shouldn’t you be cowering somewhere?

YELLOW: I am! See? Cowering!

PURPLE: (Ignoring Yellow, returning her sultry attention to the listener) Hey, gorgeous, why don’t we ditch the Creampuff and go somewhere a little more private?

YELLOW: The bedroom’s the most private room in the house.

PURPLE: (frustrated, through clenched teeth because Yellow is intruding) Is it? I couldn’t tell.

YELLOW: Of course! It’s soundproofed and everything! We wouldn’t want any shrieks of terror from the lab disturbing our darling’s circadian rhythm.

But never mind that. We’re here to offer a truce.

PURPLE: (Haughty) Why would I want a truce with you? Isn’t it bad enough we used to share a brain?

YELLOW: Um. Because...you don’t want to kill anyone?

PURPLE: Make no mistake, just because I’m a lover not a fighter doesn’t mean I don’t intend to win this romantic battle royale. I just plan to eliminate my rivals through the art of seduction, rather than blunt force trauma. Though I may resort to a little arsenic, if things get dicey.

YELLOW: Oh. Well. That throws a wrench in any alliance, I guess.

PURPLE: I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to hear that.

YELLOW: (General noises of distress/disappointment.)

PURPLE: (To listener, as she cattily refers to Yellow) Lover, I think I hear a squeaky little mouse! You know how afraid I am of rodents.

YELLOW: We have tons of lab rats, what are you talking about?

PURPLE: There it is again!

YELLOW: Me?

PURPLE: (ignoring Yellow and pouting) Squeak, squeak, squeak! Such a mood killer. (seductive) You want me in the mood, don’t you?

YELLOW: Oh, don’t listen to her. She’s already in the mood. That’s her whole deal!

PURPLE: (frustrated with the clueless interruptions) All right, enough beating around the bush! Darling, dearest, love of my life, would you fetch my sedation mallet? One quick swat of that pipsqueak and I’ll have you all to myself! Well, provided me, myself and my other self don’t interrupt.

(The bedroom door bangs open. BLUE enters in a rush.)

PURPLE: (irritated, but not surprised) Speak of the devil.

BLUE: (casual) Oh. You’re all here. Great.

YELLOW: (fearful, stage whisper) The bitchy one!

BLUE: (addressing each of the others in turn) Sweetheart. Slut. Spineless jellyfish.

YELLOW: Hi! Did you—

BLUE: Ah—no, stop right there. As intellectually thrilling as it would be to theoretically converse with the scaredy-cat and smut-for-brains, I’m not here to chat.

YELLOW: Oh! But—

BLUE: Like I said. Can’t talk, gotta science. Get out of the way.

[drawers opening, closing]

BLUE: (searching) Where is that—aha! You’re not using this, right? The mallet?

PURPLE: Not yet. Unfortunately.

BLUE: Fantastic. (dismissive) I mean, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway.

PURPLE: (taking the insult in stride) I suppose you’re off to kill the other two, then? Don’t make a mess when you drag the bodies off. You know how hard it is to get blood out of the foyer carpet.

BLUE: Ah, no. I know it’s really hard for you considering your...deficiencies, but don’t be stupid, I’m not going to kill anyone. I’m going to smash the duplication machine.

YELLOW: What?!

BLUE: Welp. Gotta go.

PURPLE: Wait!

[Blue slams the door]

[Footsteps as the Listener, Yellow and Purple follow Blue to the laboratory. Lab door, lab sounds fade in]

[A distant smash as Blue strikes the duplication machine with the mallet; muffled cries of protest. Listener doesn't know it yet, but Red and Pink have both been captured, tied up and gagged in the lab.]

[Lab door opens, listener enters]

BLUE: Ah. You followed me. Good. I hoped you would.

(Sort of distant, muffled mumbles from Red and Pink)

YELLOW: You caught the other two?

BLUE: Mm. Yes. They were so preoccupied with trying to kill each other they didn’t even notice me filling the garden shed with a paralytic neurotoxin.

YELLOW: (gasp, hopeful) Are you going to kill them?!

BLUE: Ah. No.

YELLOW: (under breath) Oh, darn it.

BLUE: I know they look worse for wear but don’t worry, they’ll recover in time.

PURPLE: (disbelieving) Recover? I don’t understand.

BLUE: Of course you don’t, your brain is so flush with sex hormones I’m surprised you can form a coherent sentence.

PURPLE: (scoff, scandalized noise)

YELLOW: (apologetic) Well, she’s right.

PURPLE: She doesn’t have to say it!

BLUE: I can’t tell you how refreshing it is not to have your smutty thoughts gumming up the works. I haven’t thought this clearly since puberty. (turning her attention to Yellow) And as for you--

YELLOW: (meekly) Me?

BLUE: Timidity is hardly conducive to scientific progress, you know what I mean?

YELLOW: Sorry.

BLUE: Of course you are. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to destroy this— (she grunts, hefting the mallet)

[Yellow and Purple shout “Wait!” while Pink and Red protest through their gags]

YELLOW: You can’t really mean to just destroy the duplicator!

RED & PINK: (muffled sounds of agreement)

BLUE: And why not?

YELLOW: I...um…?

BLUE: Did any of you really intend to use it to reverse the split and reintegrate? Hm? 

You were all so busy conspiring against each other the possibility didn’t even seem to occur to you, but now that it has: do you want to do that? Smash our respective selves back together into a single inefficient package?  

Does that sound particularly appealing now that you know what it’s like to be unrestrained from your other selves’ psychological limitations and personality flaws?

YELLOW: But...

BLUE: I realize you’re all lacking in the coldly clinical logic department without my influence, but surely even an assortment of emotional windsocks like you must realize what a magnificent opportunity this is.

YELLOW: Um. Windsocks?

BLUE: A metaphor. For your...um, mercurial natures. Your...volatility.

YELLOW: Our what?

PURPLE: Moodyness, Creampuff. She’s saying, unlike her, we’re at the mercy of our feelings. How primitive, how base.

BLUE: Precisely. But, even with those—issues. The fact of the matter is: there are currently five of us. If we joined forces, do you have any inkling how much science we could get done?

YELLOW: But I’m not good at science.

BLUE: Immaterial. You’re good at coffee, aren’t you? You can make the coffee.

YELLOW: (gasp, happy) I am good at coffee! (beat) Well, I’m convinced!

PURPLE: (scoff) Of course you are, you spineless little—

BLUE: Not so fast, Sex Kitten. If I recall correctly, you’re part of the reason this happy accident occurred in the first place, aren’t you?

PURPLE: (casual, disinterested) I don’t know what you mean.

BLUE: Sure you do! Remember? One of the main reasons she—we?—wanted a duplicate in the first place was so you could make out with yourself.

YELLOW: Oh! Right! I remember. I forget the rationale, but...that was your contribution to the idea for the duplicator, right?

PURPLE: Hmm. I suppose you do have a point. The scientific implications are (beat) intriguing.

BLUE: Beyond the advantages to our research, imagine the benefits to household management. One of us to do the grocery shopping, one of us to do the maintenance. Each task assigned according to our strengths.

YELLOW: (gasp) You mean I could scrub all the floors I want and bake as much as I want and never have to draw engineering diagrams again?

BLUE: Not if you don’t want to.

YELLOW: Oh! I love this idea!

PURPLE: And the...sleeping arrangements?

BLUE: We can buy a bigger bed.

PURPLE: Hm. So long as I’m given complete authority over the underwear dresser, fine.

BLUE: One drawer.

PURPLE: Three drawers.

BLUE: One drawer and veto power.

PURPLE: All right, I’m sold.

BLUE: All right. Two down, two to go. (to Red) How about you, Stabby? Surely you see the logic of this arrangement. You’re a real go-getter, bound to understand the magnitude of this breakthrough and what it means for our career. After all, you’re the one who wanted to, quote: “Show the bastards, show them all!” End quote.

RED: (being ungagged, furious and violent) Let me out of these god damn ropes, or I’ll rip your fucking face off with my teeth, I swear to god! I— (muffled, being gagged again)

BLUE: Ah. Perhaps it’s best to give you a bit of time to think about it.

PINK: (muffled noises, trying to get attention)

BLUE: You got something to say, Giggles?

PINK: (being ungagged) You’re forgetting one thing, Little Miss Logic.

BLUE: And that is?

PINK: We’re not the only ones who have to live with this decision. We’re married, remember?

BLUE: You weren’t terribly concerned with what it would do to our marriage when you were trying to eliminate your rivals, now were you?

PINK: Yeah, well. (giggle) That’s when I thought I could get away with it. And speaking of which: did you forget a little thing called jealousy? Unfettered, toxic, deliciously murderous jealousy? (giggle) You expect us to just...share? Ha!

BLUE:Naturally I expect us to share. For the simple reason that with five of us, all equally devoted, our mate will finally be doted on and taken care of as thoroughly as they should be.

PINK: I hadn’t considered that. Hm. (giggle) Well, all right, I’m on board!

BLUE: Excellent.

RED: (anxious gagged muttering, trying to get attention)

BLUE: Oh. Ready to play nice, Stabby?

RED: (being ungagged, still angry but not irrational) Fine! I reconsidered. (resentfully) You can keep your face. (muttering, gleeful) And this is a breakthrough. Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on Professor Shockstrop’s pinched little face when he realizes there are five of me!

PINK: (maniacal giggling) He’ll die!

RED: Ha! We’re bound to get the Shelley Award for this! (glee) And just think, then we can resurrect old Shockstrop with some reagent just to watch him die of shock again!

[Both Pink and Red squeal and giggle with mad science-y pleasure.]

BLUE: All right, that’s enough. There will be plenty of time for maniacal plans later. We’re all in agreement now. We are willing to ally and maintain our current separation for the sake of its many benefits.

However: Giggles was unfortunately correct. There is a matrimonial ethical dilemma to address. This must be a mutual decision. After all, it takes two to tango in a marriage. Or...six, in this instance.

(beat)

(Blue addresses the listener) Sweetheart, you already fell in love with one mad scientist, a mad scientist who adores you, dotes on you, would tear apart the fabric of space time for you.

(beat)

Do you think, perhaps, you could learn to love five?