Do You Fancy Your Emotional Support Hufflepuff, Or Is It Just Indigestion? (Patreon)

A Slytherin's Sardonic Guide to the (Un)Expected Feelings

Dear bewildered and possibly infatuated Slytherin,

The age-old question: are you in the throes of a tragic crush or merely suffering from that second helping of treacle tart? This leaflet is your (un)sympathetic guide to figuring it all out.

The (Not So) Definitive Checklist:

1. Heart Palpitations: Is your heart racing when your Hufflepuff walks by, or is it merely the fear of another pop quiz in Defence Against the Dark Arts?
2. Persistent Daydreaming: Do you find yourself doodling their name or imagining long walks by the Black Lake? Or maybe it’s just your impending OWLs giving you delirious nightmares.
3. Overprotectiveness: Are you ready to duel anyone who dares to insult them, or is it just your Slytherin pride acting up?
4. Green with Envy: Feeling a bit nauseous when they chat with someone else? It's either jealousy or that questionable stew from last night.
5. Constant Blushing: Is your face turning the shade of Professor Umbridge’s hideous pink outfits every time they speak to you? Or did you mess up another potion?
6. Increased Annoyance: Do you feel a need to correct everything they say, or are you just being...well, you?
7. Sleeplessness: Lying awake at night replaying conversations? Probably just the howling ghosts... right?

Symptom Breakdown:

• 3 or less checked: It’s probably just a minor ailment or enchantment. Have you tried a Pepper-Up potion?
• 4 to 6 checked: You're treading on thin ice. Could be a simple cold or the beginnings of an infatuation (or worse, genuine affection).
• All 7 checked: Oh, dear. It's much worse than we thought.

Conclusion:

If you’ve checked off more than a handful of the above, we regret to inform you that you may indeed have a full-blown crush on your Emotional Support Hufflepuff. Try not to panic (too much).

We suggest immediate remedial actions such as deep breaths, cold showers, and potentially avoiding reflective surfaces for the sheer shame of it. Please consult the companion leaflet "Falling for Your Hufflepuff: A Slytherin's Guide to the Inevitable" for further advice.

In the end, if you find yourself exchanging daisy chains with your Hufflepuff or sharing Bertie Bott’s beans (and not just the gross flavours), accept your fate. The dungeons are cold; maybe a sunny Hufflepuff is what you needed all along.

P.S. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Best of luck, you're going to need it!