So, You Have an Emotional Support Hufflepuff... (Patreon)

The Absolutely Essential Guide for the Highly Reluctant Slytherin Recipient

Introduction:
Firstly, hearty congratulations! Through no choice of your own, you're now the proud "beneficiary" of a shining, ever-cheery Emotional Support Hufflepuff. Fret not, dear Slytherin; this pamphlet is here to guide you through your newfound... fortune. Lucky you.

Why This Nonsense, Anyway?
Well, when the world’s biggest wanker (no, not your Housemate, but He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named) is being a total creepy bastard, we thought to counteract his gloomy recruitment drive with an onslaught of relentless positivity. And who better to provide that than Hufflepuffs?

Escape Routes:
Thought about escaping? We’re sure you did. But here's a little tip: Hufflepuffs might be sunny, but they're also uncannily persistent. They'll find you. They always find you. Remember that game of Hide-and-Seek during your First Year? Took three days to shake them off, didn't it?

The Bright (Yellow) Side:
Look at it this way: if you ever need someone to fetch your books, carry your potions, or just take the blame for that prank you pulled on Peeves, your Emotional Support Hufflepuff is right there!

Understanding 'Huffle-Talk':

• "That's okay!": Translation - "I've noted your sarcastic remark and raised it with some sunshine."
• "Want a cookie?": Translation - "You look like you could use some bribery... I mean, comfort."
• "I'm here for you!": Translation - "Whether you like it or not."

Protips for Coping (Read: Barely Managing):

• Just Nod: It saves energy, trust us.
• Earplugs: For when their “words of comfort” become your version of the Imperius Curse.
• Grin and Bear: At least, until they're distracted by a Niffler or shiny object.
• Beware of the Hug: They’re dangerously comforting. One embrace and you might just find yourself... enjoying it?

Some "Heartfelt" Testimonials:

• “They grow on you... like a fungus.” - Draco M., Year 6
• “Turns out, having an emotional crutch isn’t all bad. Just mostly.” - Pansy P., Year 5
• “I only tried to escape thrice this week!” - Blaise Z., Year 4

Concluding Remarks:
By now, you're probably plotting your escape, drafting an angry letter to the school board, or contemplating a life in the Forbidden Forest. Don't. Embrace the sunbeam that's about to enter your life. Or at least pretend to.

Oh, and on a parting note: they are aware of the under-the-bed hiding spot. Try the Room of Requirement instead (but good luck keeping them out of there, too).

Wishing You an "Enlightening" Experience!
Hogwarts' Unapologetically Patronising Counselling Committee
"For when life gives you Hufflepuffs, make... well, we're not quite sure what, but make something!"