Robots in Disguise, Love Not Advised (Patreon)

She argues with Hot Rod in the garage, his engine roaring over her rants about 'emotional availability.' "You have a spark, use it!" she yells. He revs dismissively, exhaust fumes her only reply. Tomorrow, they're off to couples therapy with a mechanic.

---

Client Names: Wayward (Human, Former Goth, Tea Enthusiast) and Hot Rod (Autobot, Alleged Romantic Partner)

Date: 06/05/2024

Session Number: Too Many

Psychologist: Dr. Helen Burnout, PhD, Currently Questioning Career Choices

CONFIDENTIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION

Chief Complaint:

Wayward, a self-professed tea-addicted ex-goth from England, and Hot Rod, a transforming Autobot whose relationship dynamic is the equivalent of a Shakespearean tragedy played out in a sci-fi convention car park, have sought couples counselling. Primary issues appear to be emotional unavailability, high maintenance behaviours, and the occasional interference by Optimus Prime, who has appointed himself as the unofficial ship captain of this romantic disaster.

Background Information:

Ms. Wayward has a history of embracing dark aesthetics and an equally dark sense of humour, mixed with an insatiable need for Earl Grey tea. She finds herself romantically entangled with Hot Rod, a giant red and orange robot who can transition from a sports car to a humanoid form faster than you can say "More than meets the eye." Apparently, his ability to transform isn’t confined to his physical appearance, as it also extends to transforming any emotional availability into the equivalent of a black hole.

Mr. Hot Rod, on the other hand, reports no previous therapy experience, presumably because mental health support for intergalactic robots is rather scarce on this planet. He does, however, express frustration over what he describes as “high-maintenance” demands by Wayward, such as requesting emotional support that does not compute in his robotic brain.

Session Observations:

• Emotional Unavailability: Hot Rod’s propensity for transforming at will can indeed be seen as a metaphor for emotional withdrawal. Just as one begins to feel close to him, he shifts shape, both literally and metaphorically. One minute you're having tea with your robot boyfriend, and the next, he’s a sports car speeding off to who-knows-where. "Roll out" indeed.

• High Maintenance: Being a robot, Hot Rod requires constant upkeep, not least because rust is a more persistent threat than one might expect. Wayward, however, has expressed that she did not sign up for what essentially amounts to a part-time gig at a mechanic shop.

• Interference by Optimus Prime: The involvement of Optimus Prime, who seems to have a rather peculiar fascination with this relationship, only complicates matters. His relentless support and enthusiasm for the relationship have only served to put additional pressure on Wayward, who finds the leader of the Autobots' interest both flattering and deeply disturbing.

Sexual Dynamics:

This is a territory where, frankly, curiosity kills not just the cat but possibly several psychologists in the process. While their physical intimacy remains a mystery (and trust me, everyone’s imagination is working overtime on this), it seems to be the only aspect of their relationship without significant issues. No, I don’t want to know how it works. Yes, I really, really do. But professional ethics and a fear of visual imagery that cannot be unseen prevent further inquiry.

Recommendations:

Given the complexities of their issues, which honestly sound like the plot of a particularly avant-garde fan fiction, it is recommended that:

• Hot Rod attends a workshop on emotional availability for non-humans, ideally one that does not transform into a weapons training session.

• Wayward might explore hobbies beyond her relationship, such as resurrecting her goth blog or perhaps a podcast about tea and interdimensional love dilemmas.

• Both should consider whether they are truly compatible or if they are merely caught up in a narrative too bizarre to abandon.

In summary, while the heart wants what it wants — even if that heart is mechanically enhanced and prone to overheating — it is crucial for both parties to consider the sustainability of a relationship where one partner is prone to literal and figurative transforming. This therapy continues to challenge my professional boundaries and my grip on reality.

Closing Notes:

Optimus Prime’s unsolicited shipping of this couple may need to be addressed in future sessions, possibly with a cease-and-desist.

As always, I remain professionally dedicated, albeit slightly unhinged,

Dr. Helen Burnout, PhD

“'Til All Are One or Until I Lose My Sanity, Whichever Comes First.”