Tutorial Rewrite 29 (Patreon)

Normally, when you kill something in a game, it drops what it owns. But if I did that now, it might not drop its stuff. Let’s see here… A set of clothes that are too big, a small pouch of colourful rocks that seem to be painted, a letter written in a language I can’t read, a crudely carved wooden animal, a small ring, and similar. I grab all of it and put it in my inventory. Hm, now that I think about it, in games, goblin-ears and goblin-fingers and goblin-noses and goblin-eyes can sometimes be used for alchemy or similar. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but it’s a waste not to grab what I can, right?

I remove my knife from my inventory and grab what I can.

<You have learned:

Butcher Lv.1>

<You have learned:

Butcher Lv.2>

<You have learned:

Butcher Lv.3>

2 Goblin ears, 10 Goblin fingers, 1 Goblin nose, 2 Goblin eyes, 32 Goblin teeth, 1 Goblin tongue, 10 Goblin toes, 20 Goblin nails, 2 Goblin lungs, 1 Goblin heart, 2 Goblin kidneys, 1 Goblin spleen, 1 Goblin pancreas, 1 Goblin brain, 1 Goblin skull, 1 Goblin stomach, 1 Goblin appendage, 138 Goblin bones, 1 Goblin liver, about 30 kilos of Goblin meat, 1 Goblin hide, and 1 Goblin tumour I found in his neck. Into my inventory it goes! See, if I’d just poked it until it poofed, it would probably only have left like a goblin hide and a piece or two of goblin meat, which would have been a huge waste.

…Oh, I forgot completely about the small goblins! Well, it didn’t take too long to completely loot the goblin, so they can’t have gotten too far. Hopefully.

Standing up, I take a deep breath through my nose.

I was sort of worried that the enchanting smell of the forest would get in the way, but nope, I can smell them just fine. Going by the intensity of the smell, I can even tell sort of where they went. Most went towards the hypothetical East, but a few lost their way. They smell more when together. The scent is a lot like this one sweet I used to eat as a kid that was discontinued before I could fully appreciate it. It’s making me drool pretty badly. I wonder what goblin meat tastes like? Sure, I’m trying to level up my starvation resistance so it can reach the Protection level, but there has to be some sort of exception, right? Right. Perfect.

Smiling, I set out.

Obviously, my first objective is to get to the biggest group that are moving with the most confidence towards the hypothetical East. I don’t know how fast they are going, but considering that the smell of them is getting stronger, I’m just a bit faster. Good.

<You have learned:

Sprint Lv.1>

<You have learned:

Sprint Lv.2>

Sprint is technically an active skill that uses up your stamina like a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat buffet, but since I have exhaustion resistance, I can keep running anyways. It actually makes for a pretty nice synergy, as while I’m sprinting, my resistance is increasing, too.

<You have learned:

Exhaustion Resistance Lv.4>

<You have learned:

Sprint Lv.3>

<You have learned:

Sprint Lv.4>

<You have learned:

Exhaustion Resistance Lv.5>

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Veery good.

Ah, the smell is becoming overwhelming. They’re so close. I can practically taste them. If this was a cartoon, this is the point where I’d lift from the ground and start to float towards them. Ahh, I’m so excited. I’m so excited.

<The God of Hunting

shakes His head.>

Are you envious? Is that it?

Ahh, it smells so good.

It’s so close. I can tell.

Right in there, just inside a little hut made of sticks. I see what they did. They took sticks, and they leaned them against the tree and then wound them with ropes. But the sticks are too heavy for the small goblins to carry, and put way too high up, and I don’t think they could make such ornate knots. They must have gotten help from bigger goblins. Interesting.

But there’s only one entrance to it. Isn’t that just silly?

Smiling, I pop inside the small wooden hut.

It’s dark in here, but I can see them with perfect clarity. There are four of them. Huddled together. At seeing me, one of them jumps in front of the others, stick raised.

<Gobling (Lv.2)>

Oh no, a level 2! Whatever will I do?

I pull out the sword I stole from the bigger goblin and stab the smaller one through the chest.

<Gobling (Lv.2) Defeated.>

<The God of Combat

is enraged.>

<The Goddess of Innocence

looks away.>

<The God of Adventure

winces.>

Who the heck are all of these? Bunch of weird—

One of the goblins notices my distraction and runs for the exit.

Ah, nope, not letting you do that!

I slash at its bald head but the sword kinda bounces off, gouging a huge flap of flesh out of her skull without actually piercing through the skull itself. Man, I’m bad with this thing. Not that I’m good with the spear, either. Or the axe. Or the dagger. Or my own two hands. Maybe I’m just not suited for combat at all? It wouldn’t be too strange, I am a modern human being, after all. I’d like to take my time defeating them, but now the little goblin at my feet has started rolling around and emitting the most ungodly wail, so I don’t really have a choice other than to put this animal out of its misery. I step on its neck.

<You have learned:

Choke Lv.3>

Actually, I think there might be a more humane way to do this.

With a twist of the heel, I instantly break its neck, quickly and painlessly. See? Easy.

<Goblin (Lv.1) Defeated.>

<The God of Hunting

covers the eyes of Someone.>

<The Goddess of Children

is blinded.>

This time, I consciously keep myself from looking at whatever these weird gods and goddesses are trying to do. Instead, I look at the two remaining goblins. It’s hard to believe someone would call these things children. Sure, they’re small and kinda pathetic-looking, but they’re obviously monsters. Enemies. I mean, I get experience from defeating them, right? Isn’t that proof enough? You don’t get experience for defeating non-enemies.

Since these gods are so adamant about all of this, I decide to put the two last goblins down in a more… humane way. I discover here and now that my hands are just the right size to perfectly slip around their necks, to the point where I can actually hold them both at once with no problem. And although I’m far from strong, I can actually lift both of them at once! Man, this feels so cool. Should I do a Three Stooges bit and bonk their heads together? Haha, that’d be hilarious! But, if I do that, it won’t be humane and the gods might get upset again. Psh. I thought divine beings weren’t supposed to care about mere mortals? Well, whatever.

I clench my hands as hard as I can, but it’s not quite hard enough to instantly break their necks. But almost. I can feel their spines creak a little in my grip as they struggle and flail wildly. Just… a… little… more…!

<You have learned:

Choke Lv.4>

<You have learned:

Clutch Lv.1>

Kra—ack!

And with just that, the both of them go limp. One of them is kicking a little, but after a few seconds, it stops.

<Goblin (Lv.1) Defeated.>

<Goblin (Lv.1) Defeated.>

—And no reprimanding words from any of the gods and goddesses! Humane killing: successful.

<The God of Cruelty

is amused.>

…Oh, come on!

<The God of Cruelty

has taken an interest in you.>

Hey, quit that! I didn’t do anything wrong! All I did was defeat a few bipedal animals in a super-humane way! If this was the meat industry, I’d be able to slap on a Cruelty-Free label no problem!

This is ridiculous. Every time I do something right, these guys go and spin it in the exact opposite way.

<The Goddess of Want

praises you.>

…I want to be happy, but for some reason, I don’t want to thank her, specifically. This feels kind of like getting a pat on the back from a bear.

<The God of Cowardice

tries to muster a compliment

for you but fails.>

Gee, thanks, Coward. That means a lot. You too.

These gods really are an eyesore. I wonder if there’s some way I can find the settings and turn off pop-ups? That would be swell.

Anyway, before I do anything else, I quickly poke my head out of the little hut and take a great big sniff. The other three have gathered, but they aren’t heading anywhere from what I can tell, so I have time to look at these four first.

I pull out my knife but change my mind.

There’s a skill for everything. Maybe there’s a skill that lets you grow claws or something? That’d be sweet. My nails are pretty long as is, so I might as well give it a try, right? Right.

I get to it.