premature Mounds bars, podcast hijacking, tub talk, and a video of me sitting in a chair (Patreon)

Hello all!

Looking at my America's Greatest 24-Hour Pharmacies Page-a-Day calendar, I see that Halloween is going to be here before we know it. It brings up an important issue, especially in the wake of something I read on the internet while I was doomscrolling in my underwear the other night—that Starbucks is bringing back the pumpkin latte later this month. 

Every year, I see people jumpstarting autumn, and then Halloween, earlier and earlier, and I want you all to make a SACRED PROMISE that you will not begin celebrating Halloween (whatever that’ll look like in this weird, dark time) any earlier than, say, October 26th. Just please swear to me that you won’t put on a witch’s hat during a Zoom call on October 9, or give “Monster Mash” a spin on the 15th, or binge on the “Final Destination” series on the 20th.  The U.S. has been insidiously stretching Halloween season so much that at this rate, we’ll all wake up one day to the sight of a child dressed as Count Dooku at our door just as we’re recovering from the hangover we inflicted upon ourselves on July 4th. And dammit, I didn’t fight for my country in the Ontario-Lake Michigan War of 1996 to endure that.

Oh, I’m not saying you can’t have a little Halloween fun the week before the 31st—but at the same time, THAT IS TOTALLY WHAT I’M SAYING. 

And if, by chance, you should get word of ANYONE attending a haunted house or hayride on November 1 or 2, they need to be reported to the Halloween Police immediately. Halloween ends the moment the final terms and conditions of your living room floor candy swap have been finalized to the satisfaction of all parties, and NOT A MOMENT LATER. (That’s right—the ensuing ingestion of a pound and a half of Twizzlers, Snickers, and Red Hots is, according to the law, a post-Halloween activity. Look it up! (The State of Illinois vs. Michael Myers, 7th Circuit Court, 1978)

P.S. I think I may have a very spooky idea for a Halloween story, so I’ll get to work on that soon so I can meet that deadline. Thanks as always for your comments on “excursion” and all the other stories—I always feel better when I post them here first so I can get feedback from people who know the work well and listen to it on a different level. ("Excursion" will go up on iTunes, etc. tomorrow.)

Meanwhile, I was asked by the people at the “Pseudopod” podcast to guest-host their August 14 episode. Basically I just yak a bit before and after a story they’ve selected for one of their readers (a very interesting one by a writer I hadn’t heard of before), with the usual option to sing anything I want from the “Jesus Christ Superstar” soundtrack. I went ahead and declined that particular aspect of the gig. So give a listen over there to discover a podcast that's been going on for years with a freakishly varied selection of horror stories.

And finally, five and a half more minutes of your life await going up in smoke with a mere click on the video link below, which reveals yet another four square feet of my apartment—if you’ve been a Patreonker for a while, you’ve now seen everything except the bathtub. Maybe I’ll take a picture of it and post it at Christmas?

https://youtu.be/9OrsqzErMHY 

Oh, and you can't have a pumpkin latte until September 15! There, I said it!