Give In (Patreon)

A few years ago I felt a calling to study ancient religions and how their allegory can be both weapon and medicine. Being raised catholic, I hadn’t realized how damaging the lack of strong female characters in biblical lore had been to my subconscious. The stories I was raised with were made to keep people with natural intuition in a cage, barred by guilt, shame, and sin. Even in Greek mythology, women bear the guilt of unleashing all evils on earth. I learned a good woman is nice, jovial, demure, quiet, and without curiosity. Curiosity and the pursuit of knowledge are what unleashed suffering upon the earth after all. I was struggling to break free of the stories that held me back from achieving my fullest potential. The stories I was raised with did not serve me, so I abandoned them.

When I started writing my graphic novel, I ordered a box of tarot cards as part of my research. When they arrived, I was flipping through the cards and came across the Devil card, I felt fear wash over me. My instinct was to put the card away and never look at it again. I was raised to fear the Devil above all things. It made me uneasy to have that card in my possession.

I worried that by exploring other religious histories, I would be punished. But, my curiosity was too strong. I ordered a load of books on the wild woman and goddess religions and dove in. I began with Ann Moura’s “Origins of Modern Witchcraft” and read that the idea of good and evil, of salvation and hell, of a benevolent god and the devil, is all allegory, created by men to ensure dependency on, and obedience to the gatekeepers of heaven; the papacy. Mortal men had invented these ideas to serve their own agenda. It had never occurred to me to question the realness of the devil. If I did, I was afraid God would punish me or my family in some cruel way. In studying the history of storytelling, I realized these literary metaphors have kept people in cages made of illusory fear for centuries. The devil is the metaphorical personification of your own internal fears. This realization gave me the control I was searching for and gave me power over my own inhibitions.

Every new moon when I do my cleansing rituals, I lay the Devil card out on my altar. I sit with it and tear my fears, my shame, and my guilt apart piece by piece. They are no longer mine to carry. Now, I have no fears holding me back. I am free to operate at my fullest potential. The only laws that govern my subconscious are that of nature, love, and my own imagination.

I started this NSFW project as a way to continue to dismantle the negativity ingrained in me and allow myself, for the first time, to draw what I feel without fear. This particular piece, I feel like, sums up the entire project. Exploring my artistic creativity in a historical and imaginative context has given me the freedom to be empowered in my professional, social and sexual life. I used to feel so much shame around sex, so much guilt around self-pleasure. Now, the devil and I are close friends and when we fuck, I always make sure I’m on top.