New Explanations & Apologies (Patreon)

(This was posted on Discord this afternoon. There's no new info here.)

TL;DR: I'm sorry. Stress from both writing and personal stuff happened. I'm fine now. Non-released chapters will not be released. I'm sorry.

Hello people,

So, I want to start apologizing for disappearing. I will explain what happened and why it happened if you're interested, but it's in no way an excuse. I'm guilty of overestimating myself and letting things reach the point they did; I'm not trying to get a free pass to be irresponsible.

I am, however, pouring my heart here, so I ask you not to be a dick about it.

This episode of (a very quick) burnout was long in the making. It starts with my novel on hiatus, Asturian Warbringer.

I planned for it to be a journey about a teenage boy with self-worth issues going through self-discovery and self-acceptance in a fantasy setting. It primarily failed because I didn't set expectations right in the summary and first chapter. It had a lot of very vocal negative feedback.

In my angst for acceptance from random people on the internet and in my search for self-worth (how ironic), I wrote something faster-paced to please the masses and prove I could do it, Modern Awakening.

Modern Awakening, however, also was (and is) not perfect. It had and still has issues that made people dislike some of the things in it. So, as anyone who seeks self-validation through external opinions, I crumbled. Not all of you here were there to see it happen, but I was one click away from deleting my RoyalRoad account and dropping both novels forever. It wasn't beautiful. A lot of crying was involved.

Fortunately, as much as RoyalRoad has people who aren't kind with their feedback, it has an even more significant amount of awesome people. I got overwhelming support despite not asking for it. I was in a dark place, and people recognized it and did their best to comfort me. I tear up a little just remembering it. It was awesome.

So I returned to writing Modern Awakening. I wanted it to also be a way to pay the bills, so I pushed for ten chapters a week on Patreon. It wasn't easy, but I did it. It was amazing to accomplish the goal.

On the way, I learned when to read comments and reviews and when to let go of them for my sanity. I wrote a "script" to hide most data about my novel, including rating, to not get slapped in the face with it every time I opened my RoyalRoad author dashboard. It was a journey of self-discovery, of understanding where my limits lay, of accepting my imperfections.

Alas, one of my imperfections was not to want to take a break. At the end of the Tutorial Arc, I was really tired and stressed. I needed a break, but there are so many people on Patreon paying to read something I release for free! They like my work so much they give me money to keep working! Do you have any idea how awesome that is? I didn't want to let them down.

So I pushed forward.

That, in itself, wasn't such a big deal. I was tired, but I was also going back to one chapter a day. I could do it.

Until I couldn't.

The issue came from "real life." Personal issues piled on top of each other. Some of them were critical and very personal, but others were silly. An example of a silly thing: I'm an introvert, and I had to go to social gatherings almost every day for two weeks straight—including the trip to the countryside. It took away all my energy. Some of the gatherings affected my work. The stress increased.

Things big and small piled with my already existing tiredness, and shit happened. On March 2nd or 3rd (the last time I said anything), I had a bout of energy to finish a chapter and write two new ones in a day, and I thought everything was fine.

It wasn't. 

The day after, I managed to write a little, but I hated everything about it, from opening the file to looking at each word to writing every letter. It felt unnatural and suffocating. I didn't release a chapter that day and thought I would do so the next day. When the next day came, I couldn't even make myself open the files. That's when I realized I had burned out.

Now, do you remember that talk about understanding my limits and imperfections? I know that the quickest way to find balance when I'm overwhelmed is to pull back. I find a safe place and stay in it no matter what or who it might hurt. It's not the best way to deal with things, as it makes many people confused and hurt. I don't recommend it. Alas, I was in severe need of a "reset."

That's what I did. I shut down all external communication and socializing, except to see a beloved cousin who visited my town after a long time (and it tired me again because there were so many people there). I bought a game I thought might entertain me (Assassin's Creed Valhalla) and just let things pass by me.

The process was made harder and longer for being married, and the tiny bit of sanity still remaining in me made me not push my own wife back. I'm a blessed man, and she was understanding, but she also went through a few days of issues of her own. The days weren't easy, but in the end, after many days of doing nothing but gaming, eating, and sleeping, my mind finally relaxed.

I was okay-ish yesterday. I feel great today. I slept at night (I wasn't doing that), woke up, took a cup of coffee, and I'm ready to go.

Now, one of the things I didn't want to do but find myself realizing I should, is giving up on the chapters I didn't release. Pushing to write them might make bring new issues. I'll just take the fresh mind I have and take things slower for a few weeks to see how it goes.

I can promise you I'm ready to release five chapters a week again (only one this week, today). B-Ranks on Patreon will not have any extra sixth chapters in the foreseeable future. Although I feel fine, I don't feel confident in writing six chapters a week, and that is an essential factor for my mental health at this point in time.

As I said before, I don't write this to get a free pass on doing what I did.

I messed up.

I'm very, very, terribly sorry for that.

On the bright side, the trip taught me how to plan for trips while writing a web novel. This episode taught me to identify issues and plan for them too.

These were bad days for all of us. I also dislike when authors don't release chapters of stuff I enjoy, especially when they say nothing about it. And, again, I'm sorry for that. Really, really sorry. I can't stress it enough.

For my Patreons, I'm totally okay if you want a refund this month since you just lost around 5~7 chapters of a total of 23 advanced chapters for the month. Really, I will not feel bad if you want a refund. I might even feel less guilty about everything if you do. No questions asked, no hard feelings. Just send me a PM, and I'll do it.

Finally, I want to thank all readers for staying with me and believing in me. I want to thank you for your understanding and support. I know there are better stories with better authors out there, but I'm sure there are no better readers anywhere.

Sorry, and thank you.

-- a messed up Pen.