Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 09 (Patreon)

EPISODE NINE: NINTH CIRCLE (TREACHERY)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

EDWARD: I think I have to kill Jon. (shrugs)

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

EDWARD: Alright, you ready? Door’s probably going to open any minute.

JON: Ready to face freedom together?

EDWARD: Good lord, yes.

JON: Lay on, MacDuff.

EDWARD: I shall.

EDWARD and JONATHAN walk to the door.

EDWARD: You know, I guess if I’ve learned anything over this whole thing, it’s who I can safely turn my back on. I have to admit, I didn’t think it was going to be you.

JON: The feeling’s mutual.

EDWARD: Two friends, or some close approximation, ready to bathe in the golden light of freedom, and have about the worst gastric experience one can have for 4.99.

JON: Sounds like paradise. It’s just a shame that… you won’t be able to see it -

JON pulls a knife. EDWARD has already pulled one, dodges, and stabs JON.

EDWARD laughs.

EDWARD: Oh Jon... all these years as a villain, and you still tried to monologue. Such a pity.

JON falls dead.

EDWARD: And pulling a knife. On me! I can’t believe you would try something so incredibly underhanded! The AUDACITY!

A pause.

EDWARD: (laughs) Oh... I’m going to miss that. Anyway. Somebody going to help with this damn door?

FIRE: CAIN and ABEL appear.

CAIN: It would seem congratulations are in order.

ABEL: Clearly we were mistaken in our declaration.

CAIN: And one of us will pay dearly for it.

ABEL gulps.

CAIN: I’ve prepared a short speech, and a delightful gift basket as a reward, Mr. Nygma.

CAIN clears his throat.

CAIN: It was on the seventh day, when the lord said --

EDWARD: Great speech. Loved it. The middle part? What a twist. Door. Open. Now.

CAIN snaps his fingers; the door opens.

EDWARD: I’ll take that basket, fuck you… and just… out of my way, fuck you very much…

EDWARD walks out.

EDWARD: (laughs) So long, losers! You have to get up WAY earlier than this to beat EDWARD NYGM--

EDWARD is hit by a double decker bus.

CAIN: Hmm.

ABEL: For the best, I think.

CAIN: Breakfast?

ABEL: Cracking.