ROGUES: Best Served Cold - Episode 12 (Patreon)

[SCRIPT] 

OSWALD: Won’t want to miss this… what’s there to miss? Sub-zero temperatures I can handle, but I’ve got my bollocks in a snowbank and I can feel my heirs slipping away. (chortles) I’ve lost all the heirs from my balls and no one’s around to appreciate my joke.

HARVEY: I found Coleridge.

OSWALD: Is he dead?

HARVEY: Icicle that big in his chest, in the long run he’s better off.

OSWALD: Was this what Edward said we wouldn’t want to miss?

HARVEY: Had this on him. Some sort of remote.

OSWALD: Well, how does it work?

HARVEY: Hell do I know? This is nerd stuff.

OSWALD: Well, where are we going to find one of those out here?

BATMAN: Maybe he can help.

OSWALD: Eh? Yes - you’re the one who knows these things. Fix it.

JERVIS: Fix what?

OSWALD: The giant portal in the middle of my bloody city!

JERVIS: It looks like it’s working fine to me.

OSWALD: I want it. SHUT. DOWN.

JERVIS: Oh yes? Shall I snap my fingers? Perchance a dance shall soothe it to sleep! With what miracle shall I perform this glorious feat?

HARVEY: Coleridge had this.

JERVIS: Grodd Tech… I’m afraid you’re out of luck, friends. Grodd rarely includes an off switch in his work. Shame - this was a lovely city, time to be on my way.

HARVEY: One more step and I make a snow angel outta you.

JERVIS: I’ve had a thought. How about I help you? Good idea, Jervis. Yes, well done. Though I would need my tool vest to even have a chance and it’s not here. Oh, woe.

BATMAN: Here.

JERVIS: Oh. How can I ever repay you.

BATMAN: You can close the portal.

JERVIS: Can I? Can he? They seem so sure of us, but they don’t know. A weeping wound into another land - at best another galaxy, at worst another dimension. Snap the jaws shut but who will swallow who? Close it. Close it. So simple. Save the day only to survive another.

HARVEY: What are those things up in the air - drones? Why don’t we just destroy them?

HARVEY cocks his gun.

JERVIS: No! Those must never go away! They are the lips that hold the mouth. If one is felled, the mouth may very well open infinitely. Their demise will come, but first the mouth must be made to begin to close.

HARVEY: Just lemme know when to shoot.

JERVIS: No no! They must be closed at the exact same time. You have two faces, but do you have three hands?

OSWALD: (chortles) Well, if the rumours are to be believed -

HARVEY: Then we need to rig ‘em to blow. Got anything of use in that belt, batboy?

BATMAN: I’m on it. Don’t let this one out of your sight.

HARVEY: I got both eyes on him.

JERVIS: (squeak)

ELSEWHERE…

EDWARD: Anomaly detected. Anomaly detected? What was he on about with anomaly detected? … Kelvin.

KELVIN: Sir.

EDWARD: Scan for anomalies, either in your system or in Nora Fries.

KELVIN: Scanning. No anomalies detected.

EDWARD: Hrm. Well, that’s disconcerting. Oswald! How’re things looking down there.

OSWALD: Why am I giving you updates, Edward? Why am I the one outside whilst you have your feet up with another man’s wife?

EDWARD: If you’d like to swap, I’d be more than happy to oblige - then Victor can kill you instead of me should everything go completely tits up.

OSWALD: Regretfully, I must decline.

EDWARD: I thought as much. Have you found Victor yet?

OSWALD: Haven’t found him. Found Coleridge… well, most of him. We’ve got the little fellow working on ending this whole bloody mess.

EDWARD: Tetch? Haha, brilliant. Be sure to tell him that I still hate him.

OSWALD: Of course.

ELSEWHERE…

OSWALD: Once this is all behind us, we can - what on Earth is that?

HARVEY: What did you do?

JERVIS: N-nothing! I’ve not pressed a thing!

BRAINIAC: I AM BRAINIAC. BRAINIAC HAS COME.

EDWARD: Brainiac?! Oh, shit. The anomaly was the portal! Oswald! Get Jervis moving NOW.

OSWALD: Whatever you have planned, Mr. Tetch, I suggest you hurry.

JERVIS: (frustrated noises)

BRAINIAC: YOU WILL BE DISMANTLED AND CHRONICLED. PREPARE TO JOIN THE COLLECTIVE.

CLICK.

JERVIS: Ah! Got it!

HARVEY: He’s gonna close it! You ready, Bats? (READY)

JERVIS: And… now!

CLICK. SHUT DOWN.

HARVEY: Blow ‘em!

CLICK; THREE EXPLOSIONS; LARGE METAL GROANING; PORTAL CLOSES; RINGING SILENCE.

OSWALD: Well. That’s that, then. Well done, all.

JERVIS: I’ll just be on my way, then…

HARVEY cocks his gun again.

OSWALD: I wouldn’t press my luck, young man. You’re going back to where you belong.

BATMAN: I’ll take him from here.

OSWALD: As you wish. Harvey, the car. Oh, I almost forgot. Mr. Tetch?

JERVIS: Hmm?

OSWALD: Edward says he still hates you.

JERVIS: Righto.

CAR DOOR SLAMS; THE BENTLEY DRIVES OFF.

BATMAN: You saved a lot of people today. I’ll make sure it’s added to your report.

JERVIS: For all the good it will do me.

BATMAN: There’s more to doing good than potential reward.

JERVIS: Spoken like a hero.

BATMAN: Anyone can be a hero. Anyone.

JERVIS: … Thank you.

BATMOBILE PULLS UP AND ESCORTS JERVIS AND BATMAN AWAY.