ROGUES: Best Served Cold - Episode 11 (Patreon)

NORA'S HEALTH: 100%

[SCRIPT]

EDWARD: (on the phone) No - he didn’t say if there was a way to stop. Quite the opposite, actually. Well, I don’t know - he laughed, he gurgled, he did - what more do you - yes, I know people are dying. No I don’t think you’re having a ‘good time’ with this. … Well, he’s probably in Metropolis, trying to keep things from … of course I have him tagged. In this temperature? I’d be lucky if I got a signa- oh. It’s working. No… that’s not right. If this is showing what it’s supposed to be showing, he’d be…

EDWARD collides with BATMAN; he hangs up.

EDWARD: Batman! My long time friend and trusted compatriot. Brother in arms. Is that a new suit? Very… black.

BATMAN: What are you doing here?

EDWARD: My laundry. Landlord said mine could be out of commission for a week! It’s like we’re in living the Dark A-

BATMAN grabs EDWARD.

BATMAN: I - do not have time for this.

EDWARD: Fine. Captain Cold escaped from prison and came to Gotham City in order to exact revenge on Victor Fries for his role in Cold’s fiancee dying years ago. He’s opened a massive portal with no OFF switch and now Gotham is plunging into the next Ice Age unless we can find a way to stop it.

BATMAN: Where’s Victor?

EDWARD: No idea - and I’m not being funny. He and Coleridge were duking it out at City Hall, but then he went silent after… killing Coleridge.

BATMAN: (to himself) Why wouldn’t Barry step in…?

EDWARD: The Flash? He’s been helping the zoos from Metropolis and Central   City get their animals back. The nature of the tech and the MO had us thinking it was…

BATMAN: Grodd.

EDWARD: (tsk at being interrupted) Unfortunately, software is my métier, not hardware. So, I don’t know how much use I could be.

BATMAN: Then why are you here?

EDWARD: Moral support?

BATMAN: (guttural grunt)

EDWARD: Right, I forgot you’re allergic to humour. Moments before Coleridge announced his plans to Victor, Victor had managed to cure Nora. He had begun the thawing process when -

BATMAN: He cured Nora?

EDWARD: You know, interrupting people is a terrible habit. You should set a better example for your legion of children.

BATMAN: (snarl)

EDWARD: Regardless of your rudeness, it appears that he finally succeeded: her vitals are holding. Victor put out a call on the ol’ hotline and I was the closest, most valuable, and most brilliant, so… here I am. Pressing buttons and saving lives. Well, a life.

BRAINIAC: ONE HOUR ELAPSED. WHAT IS YOUR - NEW LIFEFORM DETECTED.

EDWARD: Shit.

BRAINIAC: SCANNING.

EDWARD: Nope! No one else here! You must be malfunctioning.

BATMAN: What are you doing?

EDWARD: Ever see Jurassic Park? Inaccuracies aside - don’t move.

BRAINIAC: ERROR. SCAN INCOMPLETE.

EDWARD: It could have been a bat - we have a lot of those in Gotham.

BATMAN: Edward, what -

EDWARD: (hissing) Please, shut up!

BRAINIAC: … YOUR ANSWER.

EDWARD: Vessel, of course.

BRAINIAC: … CORRECT.

EDWARD: Is that it, then? I win? You disappear and I try to contain my massive, swollen ego like a roguish hot air balloon?

BRAINIAC: WE HAVE DECIDED… NOT TO HONOUR THE AGREEMENT.

EDWARD: What?! But that’s not fair!

BRAINIAC: FAIRNESS IS NON-CORPOREAL. WE HAVE NO USE FOR IT. NANOSPHERES WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 5… 4…

EDWARD: You son of a bitch.

BRAINIAC: ANOMALY DETECTED. SCANNING.

EDWARD: What anomaly?

BRAINIAC: THE AGREEMENT WILL STAND. DISCONNECTING.

EDWARD: What… is that it, then? Hello? Kelvin?

KELVIN: CORRUPTED FILES UNINSTALLED. PROCEEDING WITH THAWING PROCESS. ENTER FINAL CODE.

EDWARD: Uh… Fries Tau 1-9-8-9.

KELVIN: CODE ACCEPTED. REANIMATION PHASE COMMENCING. STAND BY.

BATMAN: What was that, Edward? What did you do?

EDWARD: I didn’t do anything! Do you remember, years ago? Before Eliot broke out? Just before Lex Luthor went missing?

BATMAN: Yes.

EDWARD: Well, Luthor put something in my head - nanotechnology. His plan was to learn how to disable a brain with these nano-tumours and he made yours truly the subject. He said it was to help the fight against someone called Brainiac.

BATMAN: Brainiac? Are you sure that was the name?

EDWARD: Of course I’m sure, and that’s who I just blocked from scanning you. So, you’re welcome.

BATMAN: Why is Brainiac here?

EDWARD: The tech that was in my head, I gave to Fries in return for taking them out. He used them to essentially reconstruct the broken pieces in Nora’s head. No one ever thought Brainiac himself would come looking for them.

BATMAN: So why shield me?

EDWARD: Since I’m just your friendly neighbourhood Edward Nygma, I figured it wouldn’t matter if my name gets out, but maybe there’d be a problem if a malevolent digital supergod knew your identity. Call me crazy, (chuckles) but I thought you might not want him knowing where to come knocking to find you and yours.

BATMAN: This is bad.

EDWARD: It is, and before you say, “No I mean really bad”, I’ll just say “I know”. But first -

BATMAN: We need to shut that portal down.

EDWARD: (huffs) Hopeless. Yes. Ideas?

BATMAN: I have no experience with Grodd tech.

EDWARD: Alas, nor do I… (starts to laugh) … but I know someone who does.

BOTH: Jervis Tetch.

BATMAN swoops out.

EDWARD: See? Talking in unison is fine. But interrupting? (huffs) Give me strength. (phone dialling beeps, chuckling) Ohh, I almost feel bad for Jervis. Almost. Oswald? Put on your galoshes, you and Harvey won’t want to miss this.