The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0167 (Patreon)

OSWALD: Jervis stays with Joker; Harley will travel with you and Pamela, Edward – Harley’s plan sounds the more feasible. Do what you can for Joker.

EDWARD: Right. (clicks) Joker – a word, if you will.

JOKER: Harley my dear – would you be so kind as to give my newfound caregiver the 101 of proper Joker Maintenance? Maybe set him up with a band-aid or two?

HARLEY: Sure thing, Puddin’. (departs)

JOKER: What’s in your noggin, Riddles?

EDWARD: Tetch.

JOKER: He’s certainly small enough to fit.

EDWARD: I don’t trust him. He’s up to something, but I don’t know what yet.

JOKER: You want me to keep an eye on him while he keeps an eye on me?

EDWARD: … yes?

JOKER: Oh, why not? Sounds like fun. We can have an adventure in babysitting! First one to flee gets a shard of glass through each foot.

(TETCH squeaks)

EDWARD: Thank you.

JOKER: One thing in return, Old Sport.

EDWARD: You’re not getting any pies out of me, Joker.

JOKER: Way to break a man’s heart, Eddie. No – I need you to keep Harley out of trouble.

EDWARD: We both know she can take care of herself.

JOKER: Not that, Riddles, she’s got this… terrible habit of, ugh, helping people. Puts her in… compromising positions, if you follow.

EDWARD: I don’t.

JOKER: Brains for days, this one. Just keep Ahab away from white whales.

HARLEY: Prepped and ready! You take good care of Mister J now – no half-assin’ it, you hear?

TETCH: Yes, ma’am. No, ma’am!

PAMELA: We should get going.

HARLEY: Right. Let’s go. See ya soon, puddin’. (blows a kiss to The Joker)

JOKER: Happy trails, campers. (grabs TETCH, who squeaks) Now you come sit with me, youngin. Tell Papa Jokes a story while you patch his wounds.

TETCH: Well, uh… once-once upon a time…

 EDWARD: (chuckles) I almost feel bad for the little fool.

HARLEY: So where to, Eddie?

EDWARD: We should keep going up and try to find Bolton. He at least seems to be in possession of his faculties – more or less.

PAMELA: Then what?

EDWARD: Damned if I know; I’m just improvising here.

(PAUSE AS THEY WALK)

(LOW HUM OF SINGING)

EDWARD: Wait. Stop. Shh!

(CRANE singing “O Death” down the halls)

HARLEY: There’s a lot of blood up here…

EDWARD: SHH!

(singing stops)

PAMELA: Fuck.

EDWARD: (softly shushing them)

(pause – silence)

HARLEY: Is he gone?

EDWARD: I think so.

(slam of scythe on the wall)

SCARECROW: Boo.

(they run)

(SCARECROW laughs)

HARLEY: We’re just giving him what he wants.

PAMELA: What?

HARLEY: Fear. Violence. They make him… happy.

EDWARD: White whales… Harley - I don’t think this is the time for counsell-

HARLEY: Hold my gun.

EDWARD: Harley, no.

HARLEY: I’ll hold out my hands; show him they’re empty. So he can trust me not to double-cross.

PAMELA: Harley, no.

HARLEY: (sigh) Harley, yes. This is something I can do.

EDWARD: If you die…

HARLEY: Puddin’ll kill ya? If I die, worry about Jonny.

EDWARD: Don’t do this. Please.

HARLEY: Sorry, Eddie. (steps out) Jonny?

SCARECROW: Ahh… I remember you… little lamb. I broke your clown. Did you cry?

HARLEY: I’m so sorry about Ikky.

SCARECROW: No guards to save you this time.

HARLEY: Jonny – I know you’re in pain.

SCARECROW: Shut your mouth.

HARLEY: I got no weapon - come out so we can talk. Just you and me.

(pause)

CRANE: Harley.

HARLEY: It’s not your fault.

CRANE: I –

SCARECROW: NO! (grabs her neck) YOU WILL NOT TAKE HIM FROM ME AGAIN! ALL SHALL BE PUNISHED!

HARLEY: (choking) He’s… not your friend…

SCARECROW: You were so much prettier when you begged for his life.

(EDWARD hits SCARECROW with his cane, knocking HARLEY loose)

HARLEY: (gasping) No!

(SCARECROW swings his scythe at EDWARD and slices his cane in half; pieces fall to the floor)

EDWARD: My cane!

HARLEY: Why did you do that?

EDWARD: Oh, there’s gratitude for you – what are you, a hero?

HARLEY: DUCK!

(SCARECROW swings, and hits the sword of CAVALIER.)

CAVALIER: Ha HA! Back you fiend, you have been thwarted by the CAVALIER!

EDWARD: Mortimer! – how did you…

CAVALIER: There’s no time for conversation, my dear Edward! Make good your escape, I shall hold him here!

PAMELA: Come on, this way!

(They run. Sounds of battle in the hall recede as they move)

EDWARD: That was too close.

HARLEY: I almost had ‘im.

PAMELA: No Harley. You almost died.

EDWARD: Shit - there’s no way out of here.

HARLEY: Same as last time! You gotta give Jonny a reason to break through!

EDWARD: I fear he may be too far gone for the soft touch. Now.. where can we go..

(Vent pops out of the wall and clatters to the ground)

SELENA: Get in, quickly.

EDWARD: Selena?

PAMELA: What –

HARLEY: The heck?

SELENA: NOW!

(they go through the vent and drop down onto the floor on the other side.)

EDWARD: Now I’ve seen everything. What are you doing here?

SELENA: …I have my reasons.

EDWARD: A certain black-cloaked Big Brother wanted eyes on the ground?

SELENA: … Maybe.

EDWARD: But we weren’t expecting a lockdown though, were we?

SELENA: Nope.

HARLEY: (grinning) Stuck in the bin with the looneys, huh Kitty?

SELENA: (sighs) Yep.

EDWARD: This place is as tight as a snare drum on lockdown – only time that it is, mind you.

(thumping noise)

PAMELA: Now what?

EDWARD: There’s no way Jon could get here that quickly.

HARLEY: No, it’s coming from the gym.

EDWARD: Alright, let’s all go together, yes?

(they agree and take a look)

EDWARD: It’s… Bane, isn’t it?

BANE: And who are you, green man?

EDWARD: (flourish) Edward Nygma, at your service.

(the girls snicker)

BANE: The… Riddler. I have heard of your reputation.

EDWARD: (puffing up) Of course you have.

BANE: You have made many enemies in Mexico, Mr. Riddler. I could bring back your head and live like a king. But not today.

HARLEY: Whatcha doin’, Mr. Bane?

BANE: This place is… evil. I could not find my way out, so I have decided to make one.

PAMELA: By punching the wall.

SELENA: Effective.

EDWARD: It does seem to be working.

BANE: Why then, do you interrupt me?

EDWARD: We’re looking to stop this whole mess. We need to get Bolton to lift this damn lockdown.

BANE: Bolton.

BANE spits.

EDWARD: Ah, I see you’ve met him.

BANE: I should have broken him when I had the chance. I do not enjoy this place, but if you require my help, it is yours.

EDWARD: (sighs) This is becoming a pattern. Selena – you want to help, too?

SELENA: “Want” is a strong word, but going with you is better than going solo.

EDWARD: Just remember – we’re trying to help Jonathan. If we don’t have to kill him, we won’t.

SELENA: Fair enough.

BANE: Who is this… Jonathan?

EDWARD: Short answer? The reason for the lockdown.

BANE: Then he had better stay out of my way.

EDWARD: I’ll be sure to let him know. Oswald – come in.

OSWALD: Oswald here. How is it going?

EDWARD: We’ve found Bane, and Selena is here too.

OSWALD: Selena Kyle? This is most unusual.

EDWARD: Yeah, eyes for the Bat, evidently.

OSWALD: I see – so what’s the problem?

EDWARD: Jon’s closing in on us, and we’ll attract too much attention as a big group. Any ideas on who we should take?