The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0166 (Patreon)

OSWALD: Pamela, you go with Edward. Harvey, you stay here with me.

HARVEY: Fair enough, but we think you’re making a mistake. At least we play fair – this bitch won’t even pick a side. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

PAMELA: And my plants! But you still lost; losers.

OSWALD: You’ll stay here with me, Harvey. We’ll be something of a command station down here.

EDWARD: What’s the plan then? 

OSWALD: You need to find a way to end this.

EDWARD: (dubious) Any way at all?

OSWALD: The way you think is best. Perhaps you’ll find others along the way as you search for Crane; we could use some assistance.

EDWARD: Safety in numbers, yes. So, it’s straight into the lion’s mouth. (sighs) I was supposed to get out today. THIS is my reward for ‘good behaviour’? Huh. You can keep it.

OSWALD: We must see this through, Edward. Reach some sort of – armistice. For everyone’s sake.

EDWARD: We’d better get moving; we’re wasting time. Come on, Pamela.

PAMELA: After you.

(walking)

PAMELA: Where’re we going anyway?

EDWARD: I’m not sure yet. The main guard station is on the top floor – I imagine that’s where Bolton’s holed himself up. Now, provided we can get there first, maybe we could… wait – what’s that noise?

(incomprehensible muttering)

PAMELA: Who IS that?

JERVIS: You promised! You promised you’d bring her back to me!

EDWARD: Oh, it’s just Jervis, prattling on about Alice again. Broken bloody record.

JERVIS: (spooked) AH! Edward. Where is he?

EDWARD: We’re trying to find that out, Jervis. I was going to ask you if you’d seen him.

JERVIS: No. No. I haven’t seen him. Not yet. Hiding. Hiding from the gaze.

EDWARD: Been soiling yourself in a corner, have you?

JERVIS: Not the whole time.

EDWARD: (sigh) Marvellous. Well, since you’re here – got any cogent ideas on how we can defuse this explosive situation?

JERVIS: Mmmm… nothing in my brain of brains… think, Jervis. Think. Thinking. Thought! We – we could try controlling him. Tick tock. Clockwork Scarecrow. Tick tock.

EDWARD: Mind Control. You really are an open book, aren’t you?

PAMELA: It’s an idea.

EDWARD: Do YOU want to get close enough to Jon to slip a hat on him? *sighs* We can option, I suppose; even Jervis has to have one use.

JERVIS: Too kind, Edward. 

EDWARD: Yes, I am. Shhh – I hear something. There’s someone in the pharmacy. Wait here, Jervis.

JERVIS: I’ll be waiting. Don’t be late. Tick tock.

EDWARD: Oh no you don’t… you’re coming with us.

JERVIS groans.

JERVIS: Out in the open I go. Into the gaze of waiting eyes, and my spirit marches evermore…

EDWARD: God I wish you had a mute button.

PAMELA: Who could it be in there?

EDWARD: Search me.

PAM: Orderlies?

EDWARD: They cleared out after lockdown. Okay, on three we throw in Jervis.

JERVIS: Are you insane?

EDWARD: Asked the pot of the kettle. Fine, on three I go. One.

PAM: Two…

JERVIS: THREE!

EDWARD crashed through the door. Harley screams.

EDWARD: Jesus, Harley!

HARLEY: Eddie! You damn near gave me a heart attack!

EDWARD: That’d probably be favourable given the situation. What are you doing in here?

HARLEY: You know what I’m doin’, Eddie.

EDWARD: Looking for a quick pick-me-up?

HARLEY: Don’t be a dick. Jonny needs his meds.

EDWARD: You know it’s how I cope under stress.

(rattling of pill bottles)

HARLEY: I know, honey – it’s how you do. 

PAMELA: How long have you been in here?

HARLEY: Since that message over the P.A. I heard that voice and took off. Why, what happened?

PAMELA: Lockdown.

HARLEY: No kiddin’? Shit. Explains all the pretty lights.

EDWARD: Found anything?

HARLEY: Not enough. He needs somethin’ stronger than these… 

PAMELA: Why d’you even care?

HARLEY: Jonny’s still my patient.

PAMELA: You’re not a doctor anymore, Harley.

HARLEY: Oh, fer pity’s sake, Red! Was I supposed to just forget everythin’ I learned? I didn’t give up on Jonny then, and I ain’t doin’ it now. AHA! Here it is. Right where I left it, too!

EDWARD: What is it?

HARLEY: Sleepy Bo-Peep – my old Tranq gun. Awww… 

EDWARD: Looks like a regular pistol.

HARLEY: Sure does, but this little girl can pack a hell of a whallop. Now, I can add a little of this to a lot of that… and presto! Not even Scarecrow could walk this off.

(PAUSE)

HARLEY: (quiet) Did you see him, Eddie?

EDWARD: Saw, spoke with – ran away from. He was going to kill me.

HARLEY: (sadly) Oh Johnny... What woulda set him off so bad?

EDWARD: (hollow) Ichabod is dead.

JERVIS: Snicker-snack…

HARLEY: (gasp) No! Ikky was the only thing keepin’ Johnny, well… Johnny.

EDWARD: Apparently someone else knew… wait a minute… what did you just say?

JERVIS: Nothing of consequence.

EDWARD: You said that before… snicker-snack will go the… bones. Oh my god… you knew. You KNEW this was going to happen.

HARLEY: Eddie, don’t.

EDWARD: You INFURIATING LITTLE MAN. You knew this whole time and did NOTHING!

JERVIS: No!

EDWARD: I should snicker-snack your bones!

JERVIS: Pieces on the board have been moved. Plays revealed. Castling. The pawns. The pawns will save the King.

PAMELA: Enough, Edward! This is getting us nowhere.

HARLEY: Red’s right, Eddie. We can’t start turning on each other.

EDWARD lets go of JERVIS

EDWARD: *breathes* You’re right. We have to help Jon.

HARLEY: You remember what happened the last time he was this bad.

EDWARD: Level 4 – I remember. You sure you want to get back into a room with him?

HARLEY: Eh, what’s a few near-death experiences between friends?

PAMELA: You’re not scared?

HARLEY: (laughs) He din’t scare me then, he don’t scare me now. The worst he’ll do is ACTUALLY kill me this time. And then my puddin’ll kill him. But I don’t want that to happen.

(crash as window breaks and JOKER crashes to earth from the floor above)

HARLEY: PUDDIN’!

(JOKER groans; HARLEY runs to him)

HARLEY: What happened?

JOKER: What can I say – Jon-boy never could take a joke.

PAMELA: He attacked you?

JOKER: I might have deserved it… no. Yes. Wait. No. This time, I didn’t.

EDWARD: He’s a mess.

JOKER: Speak for yourself, you dandy lion.

EDWARD: He’s fine.

HARLEY: Oh puddin’. Are you okay?

JOKER: Peachy keen, jellybean. Apart from the… you know. All this. I might be in a small need of a pick-me-up, though.

HARLEY: Tell you what. When we get outta this place – (voice drop) I’ll make ya a banana cream pie. 

JOKER: (laughs) Oooh, it hurts to laugh. Do it again.

(HARLEY gives JOKER a kiss)

PAMELA: Oh, for pity’s sake. He’s clearly useless, so let’s move on without him.

HARLEY: RED!

(JOKER chuckles)

EDWARD: Empathetic as ever, I see. Joker – where did you meet Jon?

JOKER: Somewhere up there; swinging that scythe like he’s bringing in the harvest.

EDWARD: Oh, great – he has his scythe. We must keep moving and try to find Jon before Bolton does.

HARLEY: But we can’t just leave Mr. J.

PAMELA: Sure we can.

EDWARD: (ignoring her) Harley’s right. We can’t let Joker just bleed out like this. Either you or Jervis should stay with him. (button press) Oswald – Oswald, come in. 

OSWALD: (over walkie-talkie) Oswald here. What’s going on?

EDWARD: We’ve found Harley and Jervis. Joker, too – but Jon found him first.

OSWALD: Is he alive?

JOKER: And kicking, Mayor Popper!

OSWALD: Sounds fine to me. What’s the problem?

EDWARD: He sounds fine, but he’s hurt. Bad. We have a lot of blood here and if someone doesn’t stay… (EDWARD quiets his voice) it’ll be curtains for Joker.

OSWALD: Does that really matter?

EDWARD: Any other day, I’d say no, but A. We need allies, and B. If we don’t help Joker, we can kiss Harley’s help goodbye. Either Harley stays and we try Jervis’ plan, or Jervis stays and we go with Harley’s plan. It’s your call.

OSWALD: Give me a moment to consider this.