GOTHAM CITY PD: CLASSIFIED 012 (Patreon)

(Sound of squelching footsteps through the mud)

JASON: Fuck, it stinks like shit here.

BATMAN: It's a pig farm, Jason.

JASON: Duh, Bruce. So where's the big porker hiding?

BATMAN: Heat signature says he's hiding in the barn.

JASON: Right. (cracks knuckles) I'll take him down. You sit here and watch the professional at work.

BATMAN: You want to do this alone?

JASON: It's a dude dressed as a pig, Bruce. I got this.

BATMAN: You're the boss.

JASON: Damn straight I am - I'mma wrangle this hog.

(JASON runs to the barn, and slips in the door)

JASON: Shit!

(There is a massive roar. With a crash and splintering of wood, JASON is thrown through the air)

JASON: SHIIIIIIIIT!

(He lands at BATMAN's feet with a grunt)

BATMAN: How'd it go?

JASON: (wheezing) Tagging you in, old man.

(BATMAN runs off. He is forcibly ejected from the premises in the same manner and lands beside JASON with a crash)

BATMAN: ... Ow.

JASON: Right? That's some fuckin' pig. The shit are we gonna do now?

(Footsteps through the brush)

JASON: Who the fuck is that? I got a handful of pig shit here, I ain't afraid to choke someone with it.

DICK: Well hello, you two. Having fun?

JASON: Oh you know us - we love munching on dirt and wallowing in shit.

(JASON and BATMAN get to their feet)

JASON: Think fast!

(JASON ttsses the pig shit at DICK, who makes a "whoop" as he dodges it)

DICK: Aw Jase, I'm touched.

JASON: What?

DICK: (smirking) You missed me.

JASON: Not twice, I don't.

BATMAN: (warning tone) Knock it off. Dick, I thought you were still in Bludhaven.

DICK: Oh, um. I was just passing through, popped in for a visit. Alfred said you were out on patrol, so - I figured you were looking to catch a certain greased hog that slipped through the GCPD's grasp. Cavalry's here, lads.

JASON: (terrible Brit accent) Stuff a scone in it, Dick.

BATMAN: Be quiet, Jason. We could use your help. Valentino isn't just strong - he's big. It's difficult to get close to him, let alone subdue him. We have to catch him tonight - he's too dangerous to leave loose.

DICK: I may have just the ticket for that, but you'll need to lure him out here.

JASON: That'll be my job, then - bait is my middle name.

DICK: I thought it was Peter.

JASON: Quit cramping my style, Dickless. Watch the master work.

DICK: (smirking) I'm not sure I want to watch while the master baits.

JASON: Oh, you know you do. Now shut up and get to where you need to be and I'll drag him out of there in no time. Bruce, you run defense - in case Dicky Doo-dah over there whiffs it.

BATMAN: Are you sure?

JASON: Am I ever?

BATMAN: (sighs) Right.

(Movement through the grass as they take up positions)

JASON: (under his breath) Here goes nothin'. (hollering) Hey, little piggy-piggy-piggy - come on out and play! I'm gonna make you squeeeeal!

(Roar as LUCENZO comes out of the barn, enraged)

LUCENZO: Ti ammazzo, stronzo!

(LUCENZO moves towards JASON, and he lashes out and hits him; there's a massive fight)

JASON: Hit! Him!

DICK: I AM hitting him!

JASON: Well fuckin' hit him harder!

DICK: FUCK IT!

(DICK charges his taser and hits LUCENZO. Given his size, it takes some time for LUCENZO to fall. After LUCENZO hits the ground with a grunt, there is a pause)

JASON: Nice timing. And here I had forgotten that I was the human punching bag for about five minutes.

DICK: Says the master baiter. He only hit you in the head; no sense, no feeling, right?

JASON: Boy Wonder, my perky ass. Man, the big fella went down hard. Is he dead?

DICK: Nah, he's just a little crispy. Roast pork, anyone?

JASON: Dibs on the ribs!

BATMAN: Settle down, boys - but good work. Let's get him down to Blackgate. We have to make sure the GCPD don't get to him first.

JASON: Oh yeah - he's the cop killer. Hah - vigilantes protecting criminals from the police. We're keeping a pig, safe from the pigs. (snorts) That's funny.

BATMAN: Jason. That's not funny.

DICK: (deadpan) Bruce is right, Jason. That's not funny.

JASON: Come on, it's pretty funny.

DICK: (trying not to laugh) You dick.

JASON: YOU Dick. Me Jason.

(DICK and JASON laugh)

BATMAN: Boys, that's enough.

(BATMAN cuffs them both on the back of the head)

DICK AND JASON: OW! Dick.