Dr. Jonathan Crane, MD - Entry 037 (Patreon)

CRANE: Excuse me, excuse me. Oh for Chrissake, YOU.

HENCHMAN: What?

CRANE: Joker. Where is he?

HENCHMAN: Who's askin'?

CRANE: Your worst nightmare.

HENCHMAN: (laughs) Push off, toothpick.

CRANE: (laughs, then grabs him)

HENCHMAN: Hey!

CRANE: Listen here, and listen good. I don't have time for pleasantries so I'll be frank. Tell me where the Joker is, or I will literally scare you to death.

JOKER: (over loudspeaker) Now now now, Jonboy! Don't break the help. Stairs to your left, then first door to the right.

CRANE: It's always stairs. (drops the HENCHMAN)

HENCHMAN: Fuckin’ weirdo.

(CRANE reaches the door and knocks) 

JOKER: What's the password? ... Oh, just come in then! Jonathan Crane, Gotham City's Primary Scaregiver.

CRANE: Quite a crowd out there.

JOKER: Well, when the Joker throws a party, he goes BIG.

CRANE: What's the occasion?

JOKER: Why, the Superban of course!

CRANE: You don't think this will make things a little... chaotic?

JOKER: Chaos is kinda my thing, Jonno. But there's more to this than just a shindig - it's a message, nay, a REMINDER of who's who in this town. Showing the rogues abroad that they'd have to be CRAZY to move in on my turf.

CRANE: Our turf.

JOKER: Ooh, willing to join the cause?

CRANE: Anything's possible.

JOKER: Noted. Now, I'm sure you had a reason for the visit. As much as I love a chinwag, I'm a busy man. So what can the Joker do for you?

CRANE: Actually, I need to speak to Dr. Qunzel.

JOKER: Oh. Well THAT'S no fun.

CRANE: I rarely am.

JOKER: Isn't THAT the truth? Alright. (clicks a button) Paging Dr. Quinzel. Paging Dr. Quinzel.

HARLEY: (over intercome) Eeeee!

JOKER: This wouldn’t have anything to do with that devilish swine you’ve befriended, would it?

CRANE: I’ve no idea what you mean.

JOKER: Well, the gazette says differently, unless they listed the OTHER Jonathan Crane as a suspect in murder most foul!

CRANE: What?

HARLEY: Alright Puddin’, show the doctor where it hurts! AHH!

CRANE: Oh dear!

JOKER: HAHAHAHA! OOPS!

HARLEY: Puddin’!!

JOKER: Sorry wuggums, today it’s the real deal, but maybe later we can get to the BOTTOM of this! (grabs her behind)

HARLEY: Take it off, or I break it off.

JOKER: OOP! Well, she’s all warmed up for you, Crane Ol’ Boy. I’d better go… see to things... out there. NO! NO NO NO! The gas goes in the CLOWN float!

(explosion)

JOKER: OH FOR PETE’S SAKE!

HARLEY: So what do ya want? I’m not gonna get blown up again, am I?

CRANE: No… well, not by me. I need your medical opinion.

HARLEY: Regressive Personality Disorder, exacerbated by severe substance abuse.

CRANE: You haven’t even seen the patient.

HARLEY: I wasn’t talking about the patient.

CRANE: Well, we are proud of that little diagnosis aren’t we?

HARLEY: It got you out of Arkham.

CRANE: It got you a Doctoral Thesis. I got me out of Arkham.

HARLEY: Not my diagnosis. *sigh* Give it. *opens file* This is Fanaticism… Messiah Complex.

CRANE: God Complexes aren’t acknowledged in the DSM. Wouldn’t hold up in a court.

HARLEY: Delusions of Grandeur, Megalomania, call it what you want. He says he “fixes” people, Jonny. That means, in his head, he’s got it all figured out.

CRANE: Do you think he’s a threat?

HARLEY: Absolutely. Wait a minute… Valentino. Professor Valentino?

CRANE: Ring a bell?

HARLEY: We used to be on the same lecture circuit… years ago now. Yeah, I remember… bit of a Nebbish, but kept to himself. Always talking to that girl…

CRANE: Anya?

HARLEY: Anya! That’s the one. Poor thing…

CRANE: What, for falling for a man like that?

HARLEY: No, well, yeah, but… she died. I read about it a year or so ago. House fire, I think. 

CRANE: Then I guess I don’t have much choice but to pay him a visit. Thank you, Doctor – your help has… always been appreciated.

HARLEY: Any time, Doctor. Oh and Jonny?

CRANE: Hmm?

HARLEY: Be careful. If he does think he’s a god, he’s got nothin’ to fear from a man.

(CRANE opens the door)

CRANE: Oh, before I go – any practitioner of medicine would wear more than a stethoscope and a lab coat when treating a patient…

HARLEY: OUT!

CRANE: Alright, I’m goin’… (closes the door behind him)